hey sent 1:13am
The ambiguity of a "hey" sent in the wee hours of the morning.
Sometime last fall kc messaged me about a concert in Chicago on July 1st asking me if I wanted to go with him. It was two bands I like and that kc and I had bonded over. I said sure I'll go, but not really thinking it would ever happen, because why would it he never picks me for anything. At the time I imagined what the weekend would look like, traveling down to the city, meeting up with one of his friend's that lives in Chicago, going to the concert, staying in a hotel. It might be awkward, but maybe it would be like old times again, and chanel wouldn't be there, right? That would make everything so much better. Until he spent all his time on his phone probably messaging with her. Like he used to do when we did stuff together.
As time went on I thought that this weekend would never happen. kc and I barely talked, and when we did it wasn't anything other than acquaintance level stuff and the one time I was high and sent him the video of me telling him he was so good at being an asshole to me in response to him inadvertantly being an asshole.
Yesterday afternoon he messaged me asking what the plan would be for the end of the month. I told him I never expected him to actually follow through with this. I also told him it wouldn't be a good choice for me to go with him to this concert. Because it wouldn't be. It was never going to be the way I wanted it to be or the way I pictured it in my head. I know this for sure now. He never chose me for anything and the reason he was now was out of convenience because he wanted to use me for a ride, resources etc.
He said "ok I understand" I'm not confident he actually understands or realizes how he hurt me but whatever. Then at 1:13am he sends "hey"
I'm asleep so I didn't get the message until 6:30 when I got up. I didn't respond and I don't plan to. If whatever he was wanting to say was important he will message me again. There's no way to know what he wanted to say, I've been thinking about it all fucking day. Something I know for sure is it will never be anything I want to hear. I deserve to be treated better than he ever did. I just don't know what he thinks he is doing still messaging me. Is this him not realizing that I'm not his friend because of how he treated me? I'm not the best at telling people how I feel, but I have told him on multiple occasions when he said something hurtful to me. The apologies I got were more of the I'm sorry you're upset and not the I'm sorry what I said/did hurt you, it was wrong to do, I will try to be better.
I know I'm obsessing over this and I am making it more than it should be. I want to let it go, I am doing well about moving on. I am doing things with friends, I am taking care of things that need to be taken care of. I can let this mean nothing to me.