Black Moment
Work has been crazy. They keep on sticking me at the midnight shift because im the only one available that can stand Kim. She's my front end manager. I guess...we just didnt click when we first met. She bothers me. Her husband that comes in does too. As a matter of fact, that whole store just isnt right--being all old and, well, quite frankly, near run down looking. Oh, c'mon, dont tell me you dont think about it when you walk in there? The day started out pretty smooth--but then it got beaten, tied to a chariot, and then drug for miles like that dude in Troy (which I havent seen yet). I swear, the last 3 hours are the SLOWEST. Every night I want to shoot myself for how painfully boring it is. And then...when it comes to that, I literally feel like dying. Im sutch an ass. People tell me not to think to much or else it could lead to terrorable things, but I stupidly do so anyways. I fall into the little pit of myself that feels near impossible to fathom how deep and hurtful it goes, but I stupidly jump in because im curoius...f**k!!
And I got my paycheck...it was pretty fat too, about a $175. Thats the best ive ever made in a job ever. But I felt bad because I didnt feel better because of it. Then I knew the sayings we're right. Money doesnt bring happiness. So here I am, with a nice amount of money, still feeling like complete shit. Walking in the isles of the store doing go-backs for 3 hours made me think about alot of things (again, I knew it wasnt a good idea). Its the same feeling I feel when I look up at the starry night. Its so fucking huge...and scary (this is because I have a fear of open spaces. go figure.) There are so many things to this world, most of which are hurtful, and too dark to imagine...but all of us are curious about them. We are hurt by them, yet we want more. This is the game we play to try and overcome to achieve our own sense of happiness. We endure the torture to overcome....--kinda like all the shit we do in life, whether it be relationships, or work--like ive said before. What if life was a game that we didnt want to play anymore...we couldnt just reset it, as some are led to believe. You never know how small and fragile you are until you look up into that endless night. You never know until your practically imprisioned in your own house for years...you never know until your led to reconstruct the broken parts in your own mind...alone. I have been through all of these. Growing up with a father who had a mutated sense of logic really made my mind snap in spots...somehow I came across that subject today, hurt by all that I continue to think about, and I was on the verge of tears as i drew a picture back at home. How can I continue my cycle of days, living where i live now, without any more strength. I had strength, but she's simply gone now, and I dont think ill ever get her back. Time is a burden that it cannot self repair...
...with every groove I find and loose again.
.......
...life sucks.
Written on the 1/2 hour lunch break at about 10:00pm. My shift was from 3:30pm till 12:00am. You can see where my mind was.