Bad Night
So I´m sitting in the library in Oviedo. It´s around 11am and my sister and her kids are not up yet so I ventured out alone. Wanted to write a little bit because I had a really bad time last night and I need some prayers.
Everything was fine until I put my head on the pillow and tried to go to sleep. Big anxiety came up for me about this trip, staying with my nephews, what would we do? would it be OK? will I spend too much money? should I have come on this trip? will I be isolated along with the boys? will I meet anyone really or just stay on the outside of everything? how will I eat in a way that nourishes me? If I can´t regulate myself how can I possibly manage to regulate the boys? blah, blah, blah...
So those were the thoughts, but the anxiety surrounding them was some of the most extreme I´ve felt in many, many years. I almost started crying and only held back because I would wake the boys and freak them out. Some how I managed to finally get to sleep but upon awakening I could feel the anxeity in the back of my consciousness. Even navigating this morning has stimulated it some more. How can I get what I need to hold myself together in this place and situation? No place to meditate. No place to be held or hold myself. No place to eat something green. No routines to soothe me.
I don´t want to feel disconnected and out of control. I don´t want to be a tourist and see things from the outside. I don´t want to fall apart. I don´t want others depending upon me when I can´t even manage to take care fo myself.
Wish you all were here. I need a hug.
Everything was fine until I put my head on the pillow and tried to go to sleep. Big anxiety came up for me about this trip, staying with my nephews, what would we do? would it be OK? will I spend too much money? should I have come on this trip? will I be isolated along with the boys? will I meet anyone really or just stay on the outside of everything? how will I eat in a way that nourishes me? If I can´t regulate myself how can I possibly manage to regulate the boys? blah, blah, blah...
So those were the thoughts, but the anxiety surrounding them was some of the most extreme I´ve felt in many, many years. I almost started crying and only held back because I would wake the boys and freak them out. Some how I managed to finally get to sleep but upon awakening I could feel the anxeity in the back of my consciousness. Even navigating this morning has stimulated it some more. How can I get what I need to hold myself together in this place and situation? No place to meditate. No place to be held or hold myself. No place to eat something green. No routines to soothe me.
I don´t want to feel disconnected and out of control. I don´t want to be a tourist and see things from the outside. I don´t want to fall apart. I don´t want others depending upon me when I can´t even manage to take care fo myself.
Wish you all were here. I need a hug.