Jetlag
Yesterday, when a friend suggested I meet him for lunch in central London, I decided that it would be best if I got out of the house before I fell asleep. The idea being to stay up until nightfall and try to adjust to European time. After lunch, I walked up toward the National Gallery to take in some free museum action. The rain was coming down hard at that point and the streets around there were jammed with pedestrians. I had a moment of panic as a wave of jetlag hit me and I felt completely exhausted and overwhelmed by the scene. Once I made it to the museum, checked my shit and settled into my groove, things seemed better.
But I still wonder at the panic. I think that I'm pretty damned scared of jetlag. Or maybe just of losing my ability to function because of it. Or maybe it isn't even really the functioning that's a stake but my basic ability to "hold myself together". If my energy gets sapped hard enough then my whole ego structure might fall apart. If my efforting little ego fails to keep its shit going, then I'm afraid I'll just die. Period.
Though I tried valiantly to sleep through last night, I found myself waking up repeatedly. With each awakening, I felt a growing sadness and despondency. I felt like a helpless little boy who has run out of tricks for taking care of himself and is now doomed to some imminent and terrifying dissolution.
When the sun came out, the feeling passed and I pulled myself together. Told myself that the rain was over and that today would be easier; well within the capacities of my poor little ego.
Discovered a great spot in the sun room for curling up and snoozing lightly during the morning today. Rather than forcing myself to function ("take advantage of my time in London", etc, etc.), I'm giving myself permission to snooze in the sun as long as I want. It feels good. A gentler way of readjusting my internal clock without having to push myself so hard. Just lay in the sun and let the light do the work. Why hadn't I thought of it before. Maybe it's just another trick but it feels like a surrender of sorts. Letting myself "be" a little rather than "do" so much.
I suspect that I will venture out a bit later to see Hampton Court. The guy who's staying here with me gave me a free pass to the big flower show there. How gay is that? I want see it...