A surprising journey.
I've been given quite a bit to think about in the past few days, especially concerning things, people, and ideals close to me. I can't thank Jaime enough for helping to bring these things to light, and offer me such support and guidance. While I'm sure he'll opt to be modest and say he's only opened a door or two, it feels like much more than that. I've come to realize that I don't really need my friends like I used to think I did. Even so, I'm blessed and happy to have them, but I can make it on my own. I can see the irony of having realized this through the aide of a friend, but a lesson learned is a lesson learned, no matter how you learned it.
I've known for a long time that I prefer to dodge out of the way of things, instead of standing and dealing with them. I'm not used to these things actually hitting me, and what few things have hit me hard in the past have been bleeding all this time, because even then I found a way to pass it by.. even if only for a little while. I've got to change that, but to do so I'll have to be selfish, and not care so much about other people.. while still caring for them just as much at the same time. It makes sense, trust me. What sucks is that I've cared about people to such an extreme that it's come to the point where to get past it and think about myself, I've got to do something drastic just to shake myself out of it. I've helped and healed so many people in the past.. and those that I failed on, I still tried my best. Some people might doubt that I've done this, or that I didn't *really* help quite so many.. but I have. Most of them came and went, and just played a passing role in my life, I honestly can't remember many names. A lot of them never really appreciated it, and several more just picked up my friendship when they needed that reliable part of me, since help and advice were what I had to offer. So, when they didn't need that.. I wasn't so much a part of their life. I felt used. I was used. I never even got a fond farewell.. or any kind of farewell. I did love those people as friends, and now I've come to resent them, and throw them all into a stereotypical group. Great way for things to have turned out, yeah? I understand that this can happen, and it's something I should learn to cope with if I'm going to make it with my chin up. But I can't, it's just something I *can't* do. Why would they do that? How's that even possible? Am I really so loyal that I'm being treated like some dog that will come back and always love you no matter what you've done? That's something else I can't do, gullible as I am. If this is really how things are for these people, they sicken me.. and that's saying something. I'd love to be that person that stays the same, and that people can always turn to and find comfort in. Well, actually, I wouldn't.. things aren't the way I thought they were. I thought this sort of position would be held in high esteem and not taken for granted. I guess, in a way, this shows how far I wasn't willing to go for them.. and in a way I do feel sorry, and I do feel bad. Kind of pathetic, how I'm still thinking of them after being used.
I also think I know why I've had the same nightmares over and over again when I'm in my room and *only* when I'm in my room. It's probably the same reason why I didn't sleep in my bed for such a long time. I can't tell you why, because I'm going to be nice again. But I do have a plan to try and fix that... and because of those nightmares I've never really had any *rest*. I've had sleep, I've even had *great* sleep, but no real rest. Not for my mind, and not for my heart. I was afraid of the place where I was supposed to be safe, the only place that was really supposed to be *mine*.
I've hated change for so long, and with such an adamant feeling. I have a hard time coping with it, because I don't want to lose what I've come to love so much. I know a lot of you are probably thinking "Hey, I have to deal with it too, and I'm okay." you're not me.. I don't think you understand *how much* I want to keep those things in my life. It seems like I care about these things so much more than some/so many others, and I probably do. It's not like I look down on them for this, and I don't want them to get that idea. This is probably why I had such a hard time changing for whatever reason, or for why I was loathe to get a job, or why I've had trouble over not even hearing from friends very much.
On to better and brighter things! Finally got to play D&D again, and it looks like I've got a fantastic crew to work with! I'm DMing for a little while, and the first session went swimmingly. Even ended up laughing until I fucking *wept*, was great. Lined up to play again this Saturday, and we're going to barbeque things to eat. All in all, I've been exceedingly well these past few days, and things seem like they'll get better.
I'm learning how to cope, and a few other very important things as well. But, of course, just because I'm coping doesn't mean I'm okay with what was bothering me.. it just means I'm learning to deal with it's effect on me, and control that.
Thanks again, Jaime, I really appreciate everything you've done for me.
As for the journey bit.. I've come a long way from how I used to be, and in some ways I've taken a step back. Prompted by Jaime doing the same thing, I decided to check my old journal entries and see just how much has changed. A lot has changed. But here are just a few tidbits.
Old journal post segments:
"I admit that I don't talk with some of my friends half as much as I should like, or they deserve. I'm lucky to be around them as often as I am because I know a certain few who have rare opporunities to be with their friends."
>>That's changed. I am, by my standards then, one of those people. By my standards today.. I get to see them or talk with them fairly often. By them I mean Jaime.<<
"It seems as of late that everyone's got their problems, but unfortunately they've been holding things back, or inside. I don't blame them, because I tend to do the same and deal with it... or shrug it off.. or just forget about it. It isn't so good to do that because it really does tend to bite and eat away at you a bit."
>>Proof of something that I've been doing for ages and still will do for some unknown amount of time in the future: I don't listen to my own advice. I crank some good stuff out there, and while I understand it, I don't apply it.<<
"I used to be a major advocate of firm morals, and it used to be that just doing good in someone's life really was enough, even if they didn't acknowledge what I'd done in the least. Not so much anymore.."
>>I'd say that the fact this is still true would be strange..but everybody has lost their scruples. *Everybody*, save maybe Michael Henderson, but I don't know what's going on with that kid at all. I feel like taking up morals again, but not to the strict extent I applied them before.<<
I've known for a long time that I prefer to dodge out of the way of things, instead of standing and dealing with them. I'm not used to these things actually hitting me, and what few things have hit me hard in the past have been bleeding all this time, because even then I found a way to pass it by.. even if only for a little while. I've got to change that, but to do so I'll have to be selfish, and not care so much about other people.. while still caring for them just as much at the same time. It makes sense, trust me. What sucks is that I've cared about people to such an extreme that it's come to the point where to get past it and think about myself, I've got to do something drastic just to shake myself out of it. I've helped and healed so many people in the past.. and those that I failed on, I still tried my best. Some people might doubt that I've done this, or that I didn't *really* help quite so many.. but I have. Most of them came and went, and just played a passing role in my life, I honestly can't remember many names. A lot of them never really appreciated it, and several more just picked up my friendship when they needed that reliable part of me, since help and advice were what I had to offer. So, when they didn't need that.. I wasn't so much a part of their life. I felt used. I was used. I never even got a fond farewell.. or any kind of farewell. I did love those people as friends, and now I've come to resent them, and throw them all into a stereotypical group. Great way for things to have turned out, yeah? I understand that this can happen, and it's something I should learn to cope with if I'm going to make it with my chin up. But I can't, it's just something I *can't* do. Why would they do that? How's that even possible? Am I really so loyal that I'm being treated like some dog that will come back and always love you no matter what you've done? That's something else I can't do, gullible as I am. If this is really how things are for these people, they sicken me.. and that's saying something. I'd love to be that person that stays the same, and that people can always turn to and find comfort in. Well, actually, I wouldn't.. things aren't the way I thought they were. I thought this sort of position would be held in high esteem and not taken for granted. I guess, in a way, this shows how far I wasn't willing to go for them.. and in a way I do feel sorry, and I do feel bad. Kind of pathetic, how I'm still thinking of them after being used.
I also think I know why I've had the same nightmares over and over again when I'm in my room and *only* when I'm in my room. It's probably the same reason why I didn't sleep in my bed for such a long time. I can't tell you why, because I'm going to be nice again. But I do have a plan to try and fix that... and because of those nightmares I've never really had any *rest*. I've had sleep, I've even had *great* sleep, but no real rest. Not for my mind, and not for my heart. I was afraid of the place where I was supposed to be safe, the only place that was really supposed to be *mine*.
I've hated change for so long, and with such an adamant feeling. I have a hard time coping with it, because I don't want to lose what I've come to love so much. I know a lot of you are probably thinking "Hey, I have to deal with it too, and I'm okay." you're not me.. I don't think you understand *how much* I want to keep those things in my life. It seems like I care about these things so much more than some/so many others, and I probably do. It's not like I look down on them for this, and I don't want them to get that idea. This is probably why I had such a hard time changing for whatever reason, or for why I was loathe to get a job, or why I've had trouble over not even hearing from friends very much.
On to better and brighter things! Finally got to play D&D again, and it looks like I've got a fantastic crew to work with! I'm DMing for a little while, and the first session went swimmingly. Even ended up laughing until I fucking *wept*, was great. Lined up to play again this Saturday, and we're going to barbeque things to eat. All in all, I've been exceedingly well these past few days, and things seem like they'll get better.
I'm learning how to cope, and a few other very important things as well. But, of course, just because I'm coping doesn't mean I'm okay with what was bothering me.. it just means I'm learning to deal with it's effect on me, and control that.
Thanks again, Jaime, I really appreciate everything you've done for me.
As for the journey bit.. I've come a long way from how I used to be, and in some ways I've taken a step back. Prompted by Jaime doing the same thing, I decided to check my old journal entries and see just how much has changed. A lot has changed. But here are just a few tidbits.
Old journal post segments:
"I admit that I don't talk with some of my friends half as much as I should like, or they deserve. I'm lucky to be around them as often as I am because I know a certain few who have rare opporunities to be with their friends."
>>That's changed. I am, by my standards then, one of those people. By my standards today.. I get to see them or talk with them fairly often. By them I mean Jaime.<<
"It seems as of late that everyone's got their problems, but unfortunately they've been holding things back, or inside. I don't blame them, because I tend to do the same and deal with it... or shrug it off.. or just forget about it. It isn't so good to do that because it really does tend to bite and eat away at you a bit."
>>Proof of something that I've been doing for ages and still will do for some unknown amount of time in the future: I don't listen to my own advice. I crank some good stuff out there, and while I understand it, I don't apply it.<<
"I used to be a major advocate of firm morals, and it used to be that just doing good in someone's life really was enough, even if they didn't acknowledge what I'd done in the least. Not so much anymore.."
>>I'd say that the fact this is still true would be strange..but everybody has lost their scruples. *Everybody*, save maybe Michael Henderson, but I don't know what's going on with that kid at all. I feel like taking up morals again, but not to the strict extent I applied them before.<<