Last night
No specifics, but I was under the influence last night and was very aware of the battle that constantly goes on in my head between two different girls. This may sound sliiiightly weird, but a friend of mine told me that once he found journal entries in his room, his own handwriting, but signed with a different name. He has blackouts, and it was pretty clear that the other side of him writing in the journals was dominant during that time. My friend is David, but his alter-ego I guess you could call it, is Max.
That made a lot of sense to me..and I came up with using this name before I really thought about it applying to whoever was my "alter-ego" or whatever; it was for a short story or something, I was trying to project myself, or what I wanted to be, all onto this character of Molly. That's the only name that I think fits with how that other side of me feels... she seems like a Molly. But not in a sweet way.. think manipulative, troubled, and very very driven. And of course, kind of mean.
So this battle is between me and Molly. I was eating something, I think it was some dry cereal? I was just eating little spoonfuls, but I just wasn't stopping. That was the real me, the one who is kind of hungry after a long day of Molly running the show. The real me is soft and loving and carefree--it's Molly who counts the calories.
So, me. Eating. Not stopping. In that state, I sort of gave Molly a voice, just thinking out loud. She was saying stupid things like "ooh you're going to get fat if you do that--you're going to look like her, and her, and you don't want that!" but I wasn't slowing down or listening. Just raiding the fridge (which, thankfully, is stocked exclusively with healthy things).
Then Molly said "think about the next time you sleep with him".
Oh shit.
"Do you want to look like that..?"
No...
"All of this is hard right now, but when you're finally back with him, you'll see EVERYTHING was worth it."
And I stopped eating.
It's easier to ignore her when I'm high, but not so much when I'm alone.
That made a lot of sense to me..and I came up with using this name before I really thought about it applying to whoever was my "alter-ego" or whatever; it was for a short story or something, I was trying to project myself, or what I wanted to be, all onto this character of Molly. That's the only name that I think fits with how that other side of me feels... she seems like a Molly. But not in a sweet way.. think manipulative, troubled, and very very driven. And of course, kind of mean.
So this battle is between me and Molly. I was eating something, I think it was some dry cereal? I was just eating little spoonfuls, but I just wasn't stopping. That was the real me, the one who is kind of hungry after a long day of Molly running the show. The real me is soft and loving and carefree--it's Molly who counts the calories.
So, me. Eating. Not stopping. In that state, I sort of gave Molly a voice, just thinking out loud. She was saying stupid things like "ooh you're going to get fat if you do that--you're going to look like her, and her, and you don't want that!" but I wasn't slowing down or listening. Just raiding the fridge (which, thankfully, is stocked exclusively with healthy things).
Then Molly said "think about the next time you sleep with him".
Oh shit.
"Do you want to look like that..?"
No...
"All of this is hard right now, but when you're finally back with him, you'll see EVERYTHING was worth it."
And I stopped eating.
It's easier to ignore her when I'm high, but not so much when I'm alone.