The Wrong Feels Right [S/A]
Title: The Wrong Feels Right
Author: alexgokart
Pairing: Jack Barakat/Alex Gaskarth
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Abuse; Alex Gaskarth detests the fucking word.
A/N: So my lovely better half valeohyeah requested an abuse fic, and then this happened. I don't really like it all that much but..whatcha gonna do? The title and entire story is based off the song Love The Way You Lie by A Skylit Drive (or, you know, Eminem if we're getting technical)
’I deserved it.’
It’s the cliché phrase every domestic violence victim is lead to believe.
‘They hurt me because they love me.’
Abuse; Alex Gaskarth detests the fucking word.
When the average mind thinks of the term abuse, it conjures up the image of an innocent, defenceless figure cowering beneath the blows of their superior, silently praying for everything to just stop without the will or ability to defend themselves. But the human mind could be all too black and white, and that was certainly not Alex’s situation, so don’t you dare try and brand his forehead with big red letters that screamed abuse victim.
His relationship was far more complicated than one little word could sum up, and he’d heard it all before, ‘there is more than one type of abuser, Alex’. But did it really count if the so-called victim fought back? Did his lover classify as the abuser just because he was stronger, because his hands held more threat than Alex’s? No, this was a two way fucking street, so don’t try and pin this all on his boyfriend.
Alex preferred not to label his relationship with Jack Barakat at all, but if any word came to mind, it’d be dysfunctional.
Despite what it seemed from his exterior, Alex wasn’t some poor, innocent boy who’d unknowingly fallen into the wrong hands. He didn’t have the usual sob story of the perfect Prince Charming who began to pick up too many bottles of whiskey. He didn’t marry a man who turned out to be a snarling beast. He was well aware of what he was getting into when he first met Jack; anyone could tell that man was far from stable. With a long list of potential disorders and a tattooed tick beside bi-polar, the manic depressive was nothing short of a basket case.
And perhaps Alex’s brain wasn’t quite chemically balanced either, because he fell in love with him.
It’s the ultimate example of a love-hate relationship. A fatal mix of bites and kisses, slaps and caresses, yelling and panting, I fucking hate you and I could never live without you. That’s what happens when a tornado meets a volcano. Alex can’t breathe; it chokes him like a steel knife in his windpipe, but dying has never felt so good.
There’s no stopping the fights, the loss of blood and tears, because it is encrypted deep into their relationship. But Alex wouldn’t ever dare try and change that. He wouldn’t change the man he loved, no matter the amount of broken bones and noise complaint letters. Despite how many people begged him to get away from that psychopath, because they didn’t understand. He barely understood himself, but they’d never see that he was just as insane as Jack. That he was sick, twisted and sadistic enough to love to hate his partner. That he’d always go back, no matter how often he threatened to leave. Because he loved Jack, but he was damned if he was going to lie back and take the beatings.
He’d kick and scream and bite and claw and tear him apart until the day he died.
ҳҳҳ
It’s the average weekday night in Jack and Alex’s house, and neither of them are quite sure how the fight started this time, all they know is they’d have some apologising to do to the neighbours the next morning. They had children trying to sleep, for Christs’ sake, but that didn’t stop Jack’s booming voice from tearing through the thin walls.
“Don’t you fucking walk away from me!” he bellowed, following Alex as the blond stormed down the main hallway towards the lounge room, photo frames crashing down to the floor behind him in Jack’s rage, shattering glass across the floorboards.
“Oh, just fuck off!” Alex screamed over his shoulder, slim fingers tugging on his knotted hair in anguish as he threw open the door to the warmly lit room with a crack “I’m sick of hearing your fucking voice!”
Alex had barely stepped into the lounge before strong hands were shoving him harshly into the opposite wall, his body colliding with a dull thud. The shorter boy yelped in surprise, but was quick to find his footing, whipping around to face the livid brunet man who was advancing on him.
“Don’t you fucking talk to me like that, I’m the one who has to put up your bullshit! You’re so fucking useless to me!”
Alex’s shoulders squared up at the demeaning words, teeth gritting in anger as he pushed himself away from the wall. With hands balled in tight fists, he stepped forward to make the smartest move he’d made all night.
He shoved Jack roughly out of the way, thundering past him towards the front door.
“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?!” Jack hollered after him, heavy footsteps hot on his heels.
“Leaving you!” Alex shot back, reaching for the gold doorhandle without looking back.
“No you’re not, get the fuck back here!”
A painfully tight grasp curled around Alex’s wrist before he had a chance to turn the doorknob, brutally yanking him away from his escape and crushing his skinny body back up against the wall, another shower of photo frames shuddering and falling down beside him. Alex gasped out in pain as his wrist was twisted around, arm bent at an awkward angle as Jack pushed his own body firmly against Alex’s, pinning him to the plaster behind them.
“You listen to me.” Jack warned, voice a low and dangerous growl as his burning eyes glared deep into Alex’s, the elders sparking with pain as he bent his arm further back.
“Get off me!” Alex shrieked, sharp whimpers of pain falling from his lips as he felt the bone in his arm reach its limit, threatening to break, as he thrashed hopelessly to try and shake the stronger male off him.
“Stay still!” Jack hissed, adding just the smallest amount more of pressure that had Alex crying out again, his body finally reducing in its helpless struggle.
“Get the fuck off me.” Alex gasped shakily, tears prickling at the corners of his eyes, breath huffing in whines as white hot needles shot up and down his arm.
“Why do you even come back here, huh? It’s not like I need you, fuck you, I hate you so fucking much.” Jack spat the words in Alex’s face, drinking in the way the blond’s eyes scrunched up in agony, his fingernails digging deep into the pale skin of Alex’s wrist.
“Because I fucking love you, you asshole!” Alex shot back, eyelids snapping back open to glare at Jack with glossy irises, feeling the threatening pressure on his arm instantly subside, aching bones giving a thankful sigh of relief.
Jack was still reeling, teeth grit tight and breathing heavy. His fiery eyes bore deep into Alex, darting swiftly between the elders’ sincere pupils and parted, panting lips, the air thick and silent between them.
“…I love you, too.” He finally growled out, before crashing their lips together forcefully.
It was like the world had done a complete 180, a dramatic climate shift sending frantic hands everywhere, grasping with desperation to just hold the other closer. Harsh intentions were long forgotten as Jack gripped onto Alex’s hips, feeling the shorter boy slip his arms around his neck as they kissed heavily. Jack’s tongue delved deep into Alex’s mouth, enticing a soft whimper, so unlike the ones only moments before, to pass between their open mouths as the blond melted willingly into Jack’s embrace.
Those same strong hands that had him writhing in pain were now gripping Alex’s thighs, hoisting him up off the ground and supporting him against the wall in a fit of passion. Alex’s long, slender legs wrapped around Jack’s narrow waist as warm fingers slipped up under the elders’ shirt, dull nails digging needily into flush skin, but this time it had Alex moaning softly for more.
Everything had become a blur of colours and clothes, lips sucking skin sensually as shaking fingers fumbled to unbuckle belts. It was a mess of moans and gasps of the others name, hair pulling and lip biting, bare backs slamming against plaster, and then suddenly Alex found himself being rocked against that fucking wall, Jack buried deep inside him and his head thrown back in ecstasy.
“Jack!” he purred, the younger man’s fingertips bruising on his thighs and face buried in his lovers neck, grunting against his perspiring skin.
Jack thrust into him harder with that itching desperation to just take Alex somewhere else, somewhere out of this world where they could stay like this forever. All he could feel was Alex around him, Alex suffocating him. His sharp rocks of the hips were forceful enough to hurt, but he could feel Alex shuddering against him, his toes curling and voice staining. And then Jack was coming hard inside him, moaning his name as he felt Alex release on his chest.
The comedown was slow, taking every ounce of energy and anger from their bodies with it. Both boys were breathing heavily, neither daring to move from their position wrapped in the other. These moments were too precious to shatter, like the glass surrounding their feet.
Alex swallowed thickly as Jack lifted his face from his slick neck, tired eyes peeling open as another sweaty forehead pressed against his own.
Alex’s red, swollen lips pulled up into a relaxed smile, mimicking the one on Jack’s calmed face, before pressing their lips together in a soft, loving kiss.
Jack eventually pulled away, chest still heaving for deep breathes of oxygen as he stared at the glistening boy before him, bathing in the afterglow and supporting his dead weight.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered against Alex’s lips, and those two words mean so much more than anyone would ever know. He was sorry, for everything.
“It’s okay.” Alex mumbled back, and he meant it. Because, in that moment, everything was honestly okay.
“Please don’t leave me.” Jack begged, his voice still a hushed murmur “I need you so much.”
Alex’s lips curved up again, because he knew. Despite what they say, Jack needs him just as much as Alex needs the younger.
“I never could.” Alex admits, forehead dropping to rest on Jack’s shoulder “I promise you that.”
ҳҳҳ
It’s ridiculous, really, how much one human can depend on another, and only that other.
From the first moment they meet, they both feel the connection; the spark. Whenever the other is around they can’t breathe, they can’t think straight. They can’t tell what the fuck just hit them, because they’ve never had these chills before. Suddenly everything they ever wanted, everything they ever dreamed, was standing right in front of them in the form of a person.
But that spark soon turns to fire, and neither of them has the heart to put it out, so they let it burn. It doesn’t even matter that it hurts, because it hurts so fucking good. And that once fuzzy feeling, those ruthless butterflies? They’re long gone, and by now they’re fucking sick of looking at each other, but the only thing worse would be looking at another. They’re like a drug to each other; so addictive and impossible to kick the habit. They take them places they’ve never been before, hoist them up to touch the stars, before reality seeps back and they’re being slammed down onto the dirty pavement. It hurts them, tears them apart each and every time, but it’s all so worth it, they crave the rollercoaster ride.
They’re slowly killing each other, holding their heads beneath the water, and at the very last moment they resuscitate them. They save their life.
It’s together or nothing from now on, because they built this fire together, and if one goes down in flames, they’re taking the other with them. The more they suffer, the more they love each other.
Alex supposes this is what they call soul mates, and as deranged as that may be, nobody ever said love was easy.
ҳҳҳ
In all honesty, it frightened both of them how quick moods could change. Things could be so calm and collected between the two, and within a split second everything would escalate to disaster. One moment they’re painting the picture perfect scene, casting doubt that there could ever be a single disagreement between the two. They’d been sat harmlessly on the floor, leant up against their shared bed as they played video games together; a control in each of their hands, a smile on their faces, and no telescope could have ever spotted the storm brewing on the horizon.
All it had taken was for Alex to open his smart mouth and utter something provoking, as per usual. He was just so good at getting Jack riled up, and the brunet man should have known by now that Alex was just a sarcastic prick with a sharp tongue; that’s just who he was, that’s the man he loved. But Alex also knew of Jack’s temper, he’d learnt by now the things that induced it. He shouldn’t have been surprised when Jack slapped him clean across the face, and honestly, he wasn’t.
The fight hadn’t been bad, basically over as soon as it started and neither of them had even raised their voice once. Jack had just intended a simple slap to vent his anger, but things had gotten messy when his ring caught Alex’s skin.
“Alex?”
The blond looked up from his place leant over the bathroom sink, hand shaking with leftover adrenaline as he pressed the damp, once white cloth against his bleeding cheek.
Jack had called from the doorway, teeth worrying at his bottom lip as he stared remorsefully at his boyfriend, whose eyes were avoiding him at all costs, fixated on his own reflection in the mirror. Jack felt his heart tug in his chest as Alex refused to look at him. He hadn’t meant for this, he didn’t want Alex to be miserable all the time; it was all just so out of control.
“Alex, baby is…is it still bleeding?”
And it’s rather ironic that Alex felt a pang of guilt at his boyfriend’s worried words, finally looking up at the brunet as Jack moved carefully to stand beside him, his large hand resting on the small of Alex’s back. Jack shouldn’t be worried over an empty slap and a small cut, but Alex was prepared for the endless apologies that were going to follow. Only for it to happen all again soon enough.
“It’s fine.” Alex replied softly, taking the cloth away from his face to prove the damage was only minor - the amount of blood had just been telltale. He faked a smile as reassurance, body going weak as he felt Jack tug him into his arms.
“I’m sorry for hitting you.” He whispered into the shorter boys hair, plucking it with a kiss “You just…you know how I get. The rage, it just…it takes over.”
Alex had heard the explanation thousands of times, and though he doesn’t quite understand, he still understood better than anybody else could. And he was probably the only person on Earth who would even try.
“It won’t happen again. I won’t hurt you again.” Jack mumbled, but neither of them believed a single word from his mouth.
ҳҳҳ
Alex had learnt to deal with an abundant amount of things whilst being with Jack. The blond had changed significantly since meeting him - and he wasn’t quite sure whether it was for better or worse. His skin had toughened up to leather, his punches more defined. He could take the verbal abuse and spit it right back without a second thought, not to mention all the dirty tricks he’d learnt in the bedroom. But there was one thing he still to this day could not handle, and that was Jack’s drinking.
The brunet didn’t do it very often, and when he did it was usually just a few swigs of whiskey to keep his motor running, but when he drowned himself in alcohol and burst into an intoxicated rage - Alex couldn’t think of anything more terrifying.
Sober, they were as bad as each other Sober, Jack had initiative. Sober, Alex had a chance.
But now, cowered in a corner on the bathroom floor, door locked and body trembling in terror, Alex was at his lowest.
“Open the fucking door you little shit!” Jack roared, fists banging ruthlessly on the thick plank of wood keeping him from his boyfriend.
Alex struggled to regulate his breathing, shoulders hunched, knees curled into his chest and head clutched in his hands. He could feel the skin around his left eye bruising already from the sharp blow of a clenched fist and his eyeballs stinging with the promise of tears.
“I said open the fucking door!”
There was a loud bang as Jack threw his body against it, old hinges creaking and groaning beneath his weight, mere seconds from giving up their fight. Alex clutched a palm tightly over his quivering mouth to withhold the sobs, his entire body shaking as hot tears spilled over his cheeks, free hand fumbling to tug his mobile phone from the constricted pocket of his jeans.
Alex hated to drag others into their complex relationship, especially since they couldn’t fathom his intentions, but right now he needed to find help in any form possible. He knew all too well that Jack’s intentions were much more severe than usual; he knew he wouldn’t make it through the night if he stayed. He had been lucky to survive Jack’s last drunken rage, and Alex had promised his best friend if he ever found himself in that situation again, that he’d suck up his pride and call for help.
“Rian?” he choked down the line the moment the dial tone cut out, breath hitching as he heard another crash against the bathroom door “Rian, are you there?”
“Alex?” Rian’s groggy voice soothed, laced with confusion “Is everything alright? You sound like you’re-“
“Rian you have to help me!” Alex sobbed, curling further in on himself as the bashing on the door continued, the terrifying drunk threats from his boyfriend following suit “I need you to pick me up. Jack’s - he’s drunk, he’s really drunk.”
Rian was and always had been Alex’s best friend, and he was the only of his friends who seemed to want anything to do with Alex after Jack had come into the picture. He knew all too well about what went on, but nothing he said could draw Alex away from the situation.
“Fuck, I’ll be there in five minutes, okay? Be careful, and don’t-“
Alex cut Rian’s fussing off with a strangled scream as the bathroom door finally burst open, the shattered lock skidding across the tiled floor in pieces and the phone slipping through his fingers as he jolted in fright. Jack was hastily stumbling over the threshold, his face red with anger and eyes hazed over with intoxication.
“Get over here, you little fucker!”
Alex scurried himself further away from the towering man with his socked heels, back pushed flush against the wall, eyes glancing desperately to the abandoned phone that was now too far out of his reach to grab.
Jack’s blazing gaze followed Alex’s horrified line of sight, giving the crying boy an incriminating sneer before snatching the black Nexus up off the tiled floor, glaring at the screen.
“Rian?” he questioned, voice unnervingly calm “Who’s he?”
“He,” Alex gulped, shoulders shuddering “he’s my friend.”
Jack stared at the lifeless phone for a painful moment, Alex breathing heavily in anticipation, but he couldn’t suppress the frightened yelp as Jack propelled it at the wall, the device shattering into separate pieces.
“Are you fucking him?!” Jack bellowed, Converse clad feet slapping against the floor as he advanced on Alex “You little slut, you are, aren’t you? You’re fucking cheating on me!”
“I’m not fucking cheating!” Alex screamed in defence, feeling a rush of confident anger surge through his entire being, and it made him absolutely livid that Jack would accuse him of that.
Rough hands immediately fisted into the front of his shirt, yanking Alex aggressively to his feet and slamming him against the wall, the back of his head colliding with a sickening crack.
“Then why the fuck are you calling him, huh?” Jack spat.
“Jack, it’s Rian!” Alex begged for Jack’s drunken mind to comprehend “You know him, and you know I’d never cheat on you!”
“I bet he only wants you because sucking cock is all you’re good at, you unfaithful little whore.” Jack hissed, his hand gripping Alex’s shoulder painfully “Because I swear to God, that’s all you are to me.”
“Fine,” Alex snarled, eyes a slithered glare “I guess your cock can suck itself from now on, because I’m fucking leaving!”
With sudden impulse and adrenaline, Alex kicked out, knee ramming into Jack’s crotch with all the force he could muster. The moment the younger had collapsed to a heap on the floor, Alex was making a desperate dash for the splintered door and sprinting from the room.
He could hear Jack screaming his name behind him as he darted towards their shared bedroom two doors down, loud sobs wracking his body once more as he slammed the door closed behind him. He flicked the lock, resting his pounding head against the wood and closing his eyes, only jumping back with a startled cry as the younger’s body thudded against the other side.
With unsteady feet Alex stumbled away from the doorway, rushing over to their closet and grabbing the first bag he could find, throwing it onto the bed. With blurry vision and erratic breathing, he tossed in anything his hands could find, closing the zip and picking up the bulging bag when he’d packed it to its limit.
Jack was still screaming his name as Alex made his way to their bedroom window that faced the street, sliding it open with shaking hands and tossing his bag out onto the nearby sidewalk. It was dark outside, nearing the early hours of the morning, and the blond could just decipher the dull glow of car headlights rapidly approaching down the court.
With one last helpless glance at the bedroom door and cheeks stained with tears, Alex was hoisting himself out the bedroom window, disappearing into the night the moment his feet touched ground.
Much like the bathroom, the bedroom door finally gave way, another cheap lock rendered useless as Jack burst through the door, drunken and injured body staggering over to the open window. His eyes scanned the deserted street outside, giving a seething cry as his furious fist found the drywall beside the glass panes.
“Alex!” He screamed “You promised, you fucking promised you wouldn’t leave!”
ҳҳҳ
It’s all just a never-ending pattern; the same routine on repeat. Alex’s life is just the same record playing over and over; nothing changes, and he was powerless to flipping it onto its B-side. He was stuck with this scratched album, stuck with the screeching way it skipped, but it was worth it for the snippets of his favourite song he could just make out beneath the flaws.
He couldn’t even feign surprise when Rian let himself into the spare room Alex had occupied overnight, gingerly taking a seat on the edge of the bed where the elder lay on his side, white iPhone clutched in his hand.
“Jack’s on the phone.” Rian mumbled quietly, and it was obvious he wasn’t happy about willingly giving the call to Alex, but he knew he had to bite his tongue. Alex had made it perfectly clear the night before that there was no changing his mind; he was going to go back to the mess they called a home, whether it be in a day or a year. He could never truly leave Jack.
Alex couldn’t count the number of times Rian had begged him to get away; he just didn’t know why Alex did this to himself, to the both of them. Jack and Alex, they weren’t good for each other in his eyes, their love was toxic. But no matter the pain the two inflicted on one another, nothing would ever hurt as much as being apart, and Alex thought that maybe Rian was beginning to understand that.
“Thanks.” The blond said with a soft smile, the purple bruise around his eye sticking out amongst his pale skin. He took the phone from Rian’s tense hand, waiting for the owner of the house to leave the room again before pressing it up to his ear.
“Alex.” Jack gushed, the moment Alex made it known that he was listening “I-I, I’m so sorry.”
Alex sighed, pushing himself up to sit on the edge of the bed, running his hand through his hair without saying a word. Here come the apologies that would have him running back, head first into the frontline.
“I didn’t mean to accuse you of those things; I didn’t mean what I said. It was the alcohol. It wasn’t you, baby, it was me. Please come home.” Jack pleaded.
Alex let out another rush of stale air from his lungs, tipping his head back to crack his still neck, tracing his injured eye with a careful finger.
“You promised you wouldn’t drink like that again, Jack. After…after last time.”
Alex didn’t even know why he was still pushing this; he’d already forgiven him. Hell, he hadn’t been mad to begin with. He just knew his place by now, he knew when defending himself crossed the line between stupidity and fatality.
“I know, but you promised you wouldn’t leave, so please come back. I can’t live without you.”
Alex felt a small smile tug at his lips, trying to keep it out of his voice as he replied.
“I…okay.”
ҳҳҳ
Alex could feel Rian’s eyes boring into the back of his head as he stared out the passenger seat window; up at the place he called his home. It really was laughable, how innocent the one story, picket fence, picture fucking perfect house looked. Nobody would have known the truth, looking from the outside. And both Alex and Jack used to be the same, but their effects on each other were starting to show through.
“He’s going to kill you one day.”
The silence had only been filled with the soft rumbling of Rian’s car until the younger male spoke, eyes still trained on his best friend; the boy he feared for each and every day of his life.
“Not if I kill him first.”
There was a smirk in Alex’s words that shouldn’t have been there - the situation wasn’t funny in the slightest, but maybe his once light humour had morphed into something dirty and dry. And the irony was that he was already dead; Jack had long since killed the Alex he’d been when they’d first met.
Rian didn’t protest when Alex opened the car door, hoisting himself from the metal vehicle and making his way up the pathway, barely recognising the sound of wheels skidding off behind him.
Maybe things would be okay for a while; at least, Alex hoped so. These huge blows their relationship often took were almost like tsunamis - they’d destroy almost everything around them, try and knock them down, but afterwards, all they could do was rebuild. The only way to go from rock bottom was up, right?
Alex wore a small smile as he pushed open the front door to the house, taking a tentative step into the silent walkway.
“Jack?” He called, footsteps echoing up the now bare walls and rounding the corner into the carpeted lounge room. “Baby, I’m ho-“
Suddenly there were strong, familiar arms around him - but they weren’t in the warm, welcoming way he’d expected. They were tight, far too tight as they caught him off guard from behind. Alex let out a cry of surprise, losing his footing beneath him as he fell back into Jack’s chest.
“You said you wouldn’t leave.” The demonic voice growled into Alex’s ear, his brown eyes blowing wide as one hand clasped over his open mouth, the other arm winding around his neck.
Alex tried to scream, but his wails were in vein, muffled against Jack’s palm as he started to drag Alex’s helpless body along the floor. The elder was kicking and thrashing, fingernails clawing at Jack’s skin, pain searing up his spine. But Jack wasn’t letting him go - he was heaving the convulsing body towards the hall.
“You’re not going to fucking leave again, you hear me?!” The brunet bellowed; voice raw and dangerous. That same ruthless growl as the night before.
Alex’s heels skidded down the floorboards of the main hallway, hands swinging out to try and grasp at the walls, fingers hooking hopelessly onto open door frames, only to be yanked away with Jack’s strength. His breath was puffing hard through his nose, unable to take deep breaths with the pressure on his throat, the lack of oxygen and sheer horror making his eyes sting.
It was only when Alex managed to pry his jaws open and clench his teeth down hard onto Jack’s palm that the taller boy halted, crying out as dull teeth tore deep holes into his flesh.
“You little fuck, stay still!” He screeched, and before Alex had a chance to take advantage of Jack’s fallen composure his head was being smashed hard against the wall, the plaster giving way with the force of his skull and forehead splitting in a gash.
Alex felt his consciousness waver, a distant cry escaping his lips as stars blurred his vision and his hearing dipped in octaves. He could feel his body moving again, dragging against the floor, but his head felt as if he were underwater. He couldn’t breathe.
The blond’s hazy eyes cracked open as he felt his back hit something soft, the splitting pain in his head increasing in intensity as his senses began to rush back. He was in their bedroom, his body laid out on the double bed, but he couldn’t move his arms, or his legs - he was tied down.
“Jack?” he croaked, heart thudding in his chest as he took deep breathes, limbs tugging desperately, to no avail “Jack?! Jack, what are you doing?!”
Alex thrashed around the best he could against the tight rope bindings, eyes darting around the room in search of Jack. He found the brunet stood beside the window - the same window he’d left through the night before. His back was turned, head bowed and looking down at something clutched in both hands.
“Jack, please, what are you doing?” Alex choked as the younger drew the thick curtains, before turning to face his restrained boyfriend.
Alex’s body tensed in terror when he saw the can of gasoline.
“Jack!” he screamed, tears brimming in his wide eyes and cutting paths down his bruised cheeks “Jack, don’t!”
Jack paid no attention to Alex’s pained cries as he approached the bed, jaw set and eyes stone as he raised the can. He didn’t want to do this to the man he loved, he honestly didn’t, but how else would he keep Alex from leaving his side? There was no happy ending to this bitter tale, but he’d rather be the one to finally destroy the boy he loved than let him slip away. It was forever or nothing.
Alex threw his head back against the pillows, chest heaving with sobs as he felt the pungent liquid rain down on him, soaking the bed, his clothes, his skin; mixing with the tears on his cheeks until the two were undistinguishable.
“D-don’t, baby, please.” Alex begged through his tears as every inch of his being was doused in gasoline “I l-love you, please. I’m so sorry.”
“You promised me you wouldn’t leave.” Jack hummed softly, unnervingly calm “I told you I can’t live without you, so you won’t live without me.”
“I won’t try and leave again, I promise! I p-promise.”
Jack leant down, admiring the way the droplets of flammable liquid dripped from Alex’s beautiful hair, the way his reflection blurred in his terrified, glossy eyes. He had always thought the blond was breathtaking, but like this - he’d never seen anything like this.
“Please.” Alex whimpered “I love you.”
“I know.” Jack whispered, pressing their lips together in a chaste, bruising kiss, enticing another heaved sob from Alex as he bit his lower lip with vengeance “Don’t worry, baby, I won’t leave your side. I never could.”
Alex clenched his eyes together, brain cells swimming and dying off with the nauseating smell of the gasoline, feeling Jack’s lips ghost his glistening neck.
“They always said we’d go down in flames.” Jack hushed, taking one last look at the quivering boy. One last look at the disaster they’d created together. The fatal mess of love and hate.
And then he stood up straight and struck the match.
Author: alexgokart
Pairing: Jack Barakat/Alex Gaskarth
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Abuse; Alex Gaskarth detests the fucking word.
A/N: So my lovely better half valeohyeah requested an abuse fic, and then this happened. I don't really like it all that much but..whatcha gonna do? The title and entire story is based off the song Love The Way You Lie by A Skylit Drive (or, you know, Eminem if we're getting technical)
’I deserved it.’
It’s the cliché phrase every domestic violence victim is lead to believe.
‘They hurt me because they love me.’
Abuse; Alex Gaskarth detests the fucking word.
When the average mind thinks of the term abuse, it conjures up the image of an innocent, defenceless figure cowering beneath the blows of their superior, silently praying for everything to just stop without the will or ability to defend themselves. But the human mind could be all too black and white, and that was certainly not Alex’s situation, so don’t you dare try and brand his forehead with big red letters that screamed abuse victim.
His relationship was far more complicated than one little word could sum up, and he’d heard it all before, ‘there is more than one type of abuser, Alex’. But did it really count if the so-called victim fought back? Did his lover classify as the abuser just because he was stronger, because his hands held more threat than Alex’s? No, this was a two way fucking street, so don’t try and pin this all on his boyfriend.
Alex preferred not to label his relationship with Jack Barakat at all, but if any word came to mind, it’d be dysfunctional.
Despite what it seemed from his exterior, Alex wasn’t some poor, innocent boy who’d unknowingly fallen into the wrong hands. He didn’t have the usual sob story of the perfect Prince Charming who began to pick up too many bottles of whiskey. He didn’t marry a man who turned out to be a snarling beast. He was well aware of what he was getting into when he first met Jack; anyone could tell that man was far from stable. With a long list of potential disorders and a tattooed tick beside bi-polar, the manic depressive was nothing short of a basket case.
And perhaps Alex’s brain wasn’t quite chemically balanced either, because he fell in love with him.
It’s the ultimate example of a love-hate relationship. A fatal mix of bites and kisses, slaps and caresses, yelling and panting, I fucking hate you and I could never live without you. That’s what happens when a tornado meets a volcano. Alex can’t breathe; it chokes him like a steel knife in his windpipe, but dying has never felt so good.
There’s no stopping the fights, the loss of blood and tears, because it is encrypted deep into their relationship. But Alex wouldn’t ever dare try and change that. He wouldn’t change the man he loved, no matter the amount of broken bones and noise complaint letters. Despite how many people begged him to get away from that psychopath, because they didn’t understand. He barely understood himself, but they’d never see that he was just as insane as Jack. That he was sick, twisted and sadistic enough to love to hate his partner. That he’d always go back, no matter how often he threatened to leave. Because he loved Jack, but he was damned if he was going to lie back and take the beatings.
He’d kick and scream and bite and claw and tear him apart until the day he died.
ҳҳҳ
It’s the average weekday night in Jack and Alex’s house, and neither of them are quite sure how the fight started this time, all they know is they’d have some apologising to do to the neighbours the next morning. They had children trying to sleep, for Christs’ sake, but that didn’t stop Jack’s booming voice from tearing through the thin walls.
“Don’t you fucking walk away from me!” he bellowed, following Alex as the blond stormed down the main hallway towards the lounge room, photo frames crashing down to the floor behind him in Jack’s rage, shattering glass across the floorboards.
“Oh, just fuck off!” Alex screamed over his shoulder, slim fingers tugging on his knotted hair in anguish as he threw open the door to the warmly lit room with a crack “I’m sick of hearing your fucking voice!”
Alex had barely stepped into the lounge before strong hands were shoving him harshly into the opposite wall, his body colliding with a dull thud. The shorter boy yelped in surprise, but was quick to find his footing, whipping around to face the livid brunet man who was advancing on him.
“Don’t you fucking talk to me like that, I’m the one who has to put up your bullshit! You’re so fucking useless to me!”
Alex’s shoulders squared up at the demeaning words, teeth gritting in anger as he pushed himself away from the wall. With hands balled in tight fists, he stepped forward to make the smartest move he’d made all night.
He shoved Jack roughly out of the way, thundering past him towards the front door.
“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?!” Jack hollered after him, heavy footsteps hot on his heels.
“Leaving you!” Alex shot back, reaching for the gold doorhandle without looking back.
“No you’re not, get the fuck back here!”
A painfully tight grasp curled around Alex’s wrist before he had a chance to turn the doorknob, brutally yanking him away from his escape and crushing his skinny body back up against the wall, another shower of photo frames shuddering and falling down beside him. Alex gasped out in pain as his wrist was twisted around, arm bent at an awkward angle as Jack pushed his own body firmly against Alex’s, pinning him to the plaster behind them.
“You listen to me.” Jack warned, voice a low and dangerous growl as his burning eyes glared deep into Alex’s, the elders sparking with pain as he bent his arm further back.
“Get off me!” Alex shrieked, sharp whimpers of pain falling from his lips as he felt the bone in his arm reach its limit, threatening to break, as he thrashed hopelessly to try and shake the stronger male off him.
“Stay still!” Jack hissed, adding just the smallest amount more of pressure that had Alex crying out again, his body finally reducing in its helpless struggle.
“Get the fuck off me.” Alex gasped shakily, tears prickling at the corners of his eyes, breath huffing in whines as white hot needles shot up and down his arm.
“Why do you even come back here, huh? It’s not like I need you, fuck you, I hate you so fucking much.” Jack spat the words in Alex’s face, drinking in the way the blond’s eyes scrunched up in agony, his fingernails digging deep into the pale skin of Alex’s wrist.
“Because I fucking love you, you asshole!” Alex shot back, eyelids snapping back open to glare at Jack with glossy irises, feeling the threatening pressure on his arm instantly subside, aching bones giving a thankful sigh of relief.
Jack was still reeling, teeth grit tight and breathing heavy. His fiery eyes bore deep into Alex, darting swiftly between the elders’ sincere pupils and parted, panting lips, the air thick and silent between them.
“…I love you, too.” He finally growled out, before crashing their lips together forcefully.
It was like the world had done a complete 180, a dramatic climate shift sending frantic hands everywhere, grasping with desperation to just hold the other closer. Harsh intentions were long forgotten as Jack gripped onto Alex’s hips, feeling the shorter boy slip his arms around his neck as they kissed heavily. Jack’s tongue delved deep into Alex’s mouth, enticing a soft whimper, so unlike the ones only moments before, to pass between their open mouths as the blond melted willingly into Jack’s embrace.
Those same strong hands that had him writhing in pain were now gripping Alex’s thighs, hoisting him up off the ground and supporting him against the wall in a fit of passion. Alex’s long, slender legs wrapped around Jack’s narrow waist as warm fingers slipped up under the elders’ shirt, dull nails digging needily into flush skin, but this time it had Alex moaning softly for more.
Everything had become a blur of colours and clothes, lips sucking skin sensually as shaking fingers fumbled to unbuckle belts. It was a mess of moans and gasps of the others name, hair pulling and lip biting, bare backs slamming against plaster, and then suddenly Alex found himself being rocked against that fucking wall, Jack buried deep inside him and his head thrown back in ecstasy.
“Jack!” he purred, the younger man’s fingertips bruising on his thighs and face buried in his lovers neck, grunting against his perspiring skin.
Jack thrust into him harder with that itching desperation to just take Alex somewhere else, somewhere out of this world where they could stay like this forever. All he could feel was Alex around him, Alex suffocating him. His sharp rocks of the hips were forceful enough to hurt, but he could feel Alex shuddering against him, his toes curling and voice staining. And then Jack was coming hard inside him, moaning his name as he felt Alex release on his chest.
The comedown was slow, taking every ounce of energy and anger from their bodies with it. Both boys were breathing heavily, neither daring to move from their position wrapped in the other. These moments were too precious to shatter, like the glass surrounding their feet.
Alex swallowed thickly as Jack lifted his face from his slick neck, tired eyes peeling open as another sweaty forehead pressed against his own.
Alex’s red, swollen lips pulled up into a relaxed smile, mimicking the one on Jack’s calmed face, before pressing their lips together in a soft, loving kiss.
Jack eventually pulled away, chest still heaving for deep breathes of oxygen as he stared at the glistening boy before him, bathing in the afterglow and supporting his dead weight.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered against Alex’s lips, and those two words mean so much more than anyone would ever know. He was sorry, for everything.
“It’s okay.” Alex mumbled back, and he meant it. Because, in that moment, everything was honestly okay.
“Please don’t leave me.” Jack begged, his voice still a hushed murmur “I need you so much.”
Alex’s lips curved up again, because he knew. Despite what they say, Jack needs him just as much as Alex needs the younger.
“I never could.” Alex admits, forehead dropping to rest on Jack’s shoulder “I promise you that.”
ҳҳҳ
It’s ridiculous, really, how much one human can depend on another, and only that other.
From the first moment they meet, they both feel the connection; the spark. Whenever the other is around they can’t breathe, they can’t think straight. They can’t tell what the fuck just hit them, because they’ve never had these chills before. Suddenly everything they ever wanted, everything they ever dreamed, was standing right in front of them in the form of a person.
But that spark soon turns to fire, and neither of them has the heart to put it out, so they let it burn. It doesn’t even matter that it hurts, because it hurts so fucking good. And that once fuzzy feeling, those ruthless butterflies? They’re long gone, and by now they’re fucking sick of looking at each other, but the only thing worse would be looking at another. They’re like a drug to each other; so addictive and impossible to kick the habit. They take them places they’ve never been before, hoist them up to touch the stars, before reality seeps back and they’re being slammed down onto the dirty pavement. It hurts them, tears them apart each and every time, but it’s all so worth it, they crave the rollercoaster ride.
They’re slowly killing each other, holding their heads beneath the water, and at the very last moment they resuscitate them. They save their life.
It’s together or nothing from now on, because they built this fire together, and if one goes down in flames, they’re taking the other with them. The more they suffer, the more they love each other.
Alex supposes this is what they call soul mates, and as deranged as that may be, nobody ever said love was easy.
ҳҳҳ
In all honesty, it frightened both of them how quick moods could change. Things could be so calm and collected between the two, and within a split second everything would escalate to disaster. One moment they’re painting the picture perfect scene, casting doubt that there could ever be a single disagreement between the two. They’d been sat harmlessly on the floor, leant up against their shared bed as they played video games together; a control in each of their hands, a smile on their faces, and no telescope could have ever spotted the storm brewing on the horizon.
All it had taken was for Alex to open his smart mouth and utter something provoking, as per usual. He was just so good at getting Jack riled up, and the brunet man should have known by now that Alex was just a sarcastic prick with a sharp tongue; that’s just who he was, that’s the man he loved. But Alex also knew of Jack’s temper, he’d learnt by now the things that induced it. He shouldn’t have been surprised when Jack slapped him clean across the face, and honestly, he wasn’t.
The fight hadn’t been bad, basically over as soon as it started and neither of them had even raised their voice once. Jack had just intended a simple slap to vent his anger, but things had gotten messy when his ring caught Alex’s skin.
“Alex?”
The blond looked up from his place leant over the bathroom sink, hand shaking with leftover adrenaline as he pressed the damp, once white cloth against his bleeding cheek.
Jack had called from the doorway, teeth worrying at his bottom lip as he stared remorsefully at his boyfriend, whose eyes were avoiding him at all costs, fixated on his own reflection in the mirror. Jack felt his heart tug in his chest as Alex refused to look at him. He hadn’t meant for this, he didn’t want Alex to be miserable all the time; it was all just so out of control.
“Alex, baby is…is it still bleeding?”
And it’s rather ironic that Alex felt a pang of guilt at his boyfriend’s worried words, finally looking up at the brunet as Jack moved carefully to stand beside him, his large hand resting on the small of Alex’s back. Jack shouldn’t be worried over an empty slap and a small cut, but Alex was prepared for the endless apologies that were going to follow. Only for it to happen all again soon enough.
“It’s fine.” Alex replied softly, taking the cloth away from his face to prove the damage was only minor - the amount of blood had just been telltale. He faked a smile as reassurance, body going weak as he felt Jack tug him into his arms.
“I’m sorry for hitting you.” He whispered into the shorter boys hair, plucking it with a kiss “You just…you know how I get. The rage, it just…it takes over.”
Alex had heard the explanation thousands of times, and though he doesn’t quite understand, he still understood better than anybody else could. And he was probably the only person on Earth who would even try.
“It won’t happen again. I won’t hurt you again.” Jack mumbled, but neither of them believed a single word from his mouth.
ҳҳҳ
Alex had learnt to deal with an abundant amount of things whilst being with Jack. The blond had changed significantly since meeting him - and he wasn’t quite sure whether it was for better or worse. His skin had toughened up to leather, his punches more defined. He could take the verbal abuse and spit it right back without a second thought, not to mention all the dirty tricks he’d learnt in the bedroom. But there was one thing he still to this day could not handle, and that was Jack’s drinking.
The brunet didn’t do it very often, and when he did it was usually just a few swigs of whiskey to keep his motor running, but when he drowned himself in alcohol and burst into an intoxicated rage - Alex couldn’t think of anything more terrifying.
Sober, they were as bad as each other Sober, Jack had initiative. Sober, Alex had a chance.
But now, cowered in a corner on the bathroom floor, door locked and body trembling in terror, Alex was at his lowest.
“Open the fucking door you little shit!” Jack roared, fists banging ruthlessly on the thick plank of wood keeping him from his boyfriend.
Alex struggled to regulate his breathing, shoulders hunched, knees curled into his chest and head clutched in his hands. He could feel the skin around his left eye bruising already from the sharp blow of a clenched fist and his eyeballs stinging with the promise of tears.
“I said open the fucking door!”
There was a loud bang as Jack threw his body against it, old hinges creaking and groaning beneath his weight, mere seconds from giving up their fight. Alex clutched a palm tightly over his quivering mouth to withhold the sobs, his entire body shaking as hot tears spilled over his cheeks, free hand fumbling to tug his mobile phone from the constricted pocket of his jeans.
Alex hated to drag others into their complex relationship, especially since they couldn’t fathom his intentions, but right now he needed to find help in any form possible. He knew all too well that Jack’s intentions were much more severe than usual; he knew he wouldn’t make it through the night if he stayed. He had been lucky to survive Jack’s last drunken rage, and Alex had promised his best friend if he ever found himself in that situation again, that he’d suck up his pride and call for help.
“Rian?” he choked down the line the moment the dial tone cut out, breath hitching as he heard another crash against the bathroom door “Rian, are you there?”
“Alex?” Rian’s groggy voice soothed, laced with confusion “Is everything alright? You sound like you’re-“
“Rian you have to help me!” Alex sobbed, curling further in on himself as the bashing on the door continued, the terrifying drunk threats from his boyfriend following suit “I need you to pick me up. Jack’s - he’s drunk, he’s really drunk.”
Rian was and always had been Alex’s best friend, and he was the only of his friends who seemed to want anything to do with Alex after Jack had come into the picture. He knew all too well about what went on, but nothing he said could draw Alex away from the situation.
“Fuck, I’ll be there in five minutes, okay? Be careful, and don’t-“
Alex cut Rian’s fussing off with a strangled scream as the bathroom door finally burst open, the shattered lock skidding across the tiled floor in pieces and the phone slipping through his fingers as he jolted in fright. Jack was hastily stumbling over the threshold, his face red with anger and eyes hazed over with intoxication.
“Get over here, you little fucker!”
Alex scurried himself further away from the towering man with his socked heels, back pushed flush against the wall, eyes glancing desperately to the abandoned phone that was now too far out of his reach to grab.
Jack’s blazing gaze followed Alex’s horrified line of sight, giving the crying boy an incriminating sneer before snatching the black Nexus up off the tiled floor, glaring at the screen.
“Rian?” he questioned, voice unnervingly calm “Who’s he?”
“He,” Alex gulped, shoulders shuddering “he’s my friend.”
Jack stared at the lifeless phone for a painful moment, Alex breathing heavily in anticipation, but he couldn’t suppress the frightened yelp as Jack propelled it at the wall, the device shattering into separate pieces.
“Are you fucking him?!” Jack bellowed, Converse clad feet slapping against the floor as he advanced on Alex “You little slut, you are, aren’t you? You’re fucking cheating on me!”
“I’m not fucking cheating!” Alex screamed in defence, feeling a rush of confident anger surge through his entire being, and it made him absolutely livid that Jack would accuse him of that.
Rough hands immediately fisted into the front of his shirt, yanking Alex aggressively to his feet and slamming him against the wall, the back of his head colliding with a sickening crack.
“Then why the fuck are you calling him, huh?” Jack spat.
“Jack, it’s Rian!” Alex begged for Jack’s drunken mind to comprehend “You know him, and you know I’d never cheat on you!”
“I bet he only wants you because sucking cock is all you’re good at, you unfaithful little whore.” Jack hissed, his hand gripping Alex’s shoulder painfully “Because I swear to God, that’s all you are to me.”
“Fine,” Alex snarled, eyes a slithered glare “I guess your cock can suck itself from now on, because I’m fucking leaving!”
With sudden impulse and adrenaline, Alex kicked out, knee ramming into Jack’s crotch with all the force he could muster. The moment the younger had collapsed to a heap on the floor, Alex was making a desperate dash for the splintered door and sprinting from the room.
He could hear Jack screaming his name behind him as he darted towards their shared bedroom two doors down, loud sobs wracking his body once more as he slammed the door closed behind him. He flicked the lock, resting his pounding head against the wood and closing his eyes, only jumping back with a startled cry as the younger’s body thudded against the other side.
With unsteady feet Alex stumbled away from the doorway, rushing over to their closet and grabbing the first bag he could find, throwing it onto the bed. With blurry vision and erratic breathing, he tossed in anything his hands could find, closing the zip and picking up the bulging bag when he’d packed it to its limit.
Jack was still screaming his name as Alex made his way to their bedroom window that faced the street, sliding it open with shaking hands and tossing his bag out onto the nearby sidewalk. It was dark outside, nearing the early hours of the morning, and the blond could just decipher the dull glow of car headlights rapidly approaching down the court.
With one last helpless glance at the bedroom door and cheeks stained with tears, Alex was hoisting himself out the bedroom window, disappearing into the night the moment his feet touched ground.
Much like the bathroom, the bedroom door finally gave way, another cheap lock rendered useless as Jack burst through the door, drunken and injured body staggering over to the open window. His eyes scanned the deserted street outside, giving a seething cry as his furious fist found the drywall beside the glass panes.
“Alex!” He screamed “You promised, you fucking promised you wouldn’t leave!”
ҳҳҳ
It’s all just a never-ending pattern; the same routine on repeat. Alex’s life is just the same record playing over and over; nothing changes, and he was powerless to flipping it onto its B-side. He was stuck with this scratched album, stuck with the screeching way it skipped, but it was worth it for the snippets of his favourite song he could just make out beneath the flaws.
He couldn’t even feign surprise when Rian let himself into the spare room Alex had occupied overnight, gingerly taking a seat on the edge of the bed where the elder lay on his side, white iPhone clutched in his hand.
“Jack’s on the phone.” Rian mumbled quietly, and it was obvious he wasn’t happy about willingly giving the call to Alex, but he knew he had to bite his tongue. Alex had made it perfectly clear the night before that there was no changing his mind; he was going to go back to the mess they called a home, whether it be in a day or a year. He could never truly leave Jack.
Alex couldn’t count the number of times Rian had begged him to get away; he just didn’t know why Alex did this to himself, to the both of them. Jack and Alex, they weren’t good for each other in his eyes, their love was toxic. But no matter the pain the two inflicted on one another, nothing would ever hurt as much as being apart, and Alex thought that maybe Rian was beginning to understand that.
“Thanks.” The blond said with a soft smile, the purple bruise around his eye sticking out amongst his pale skin. He took the phone from Rian’s tense hand, waiting for the owner of the house to leave the room again before pressing it up to his ear.
“Alex.” Jack gushed, the moment Alex made it known that he was listening “I-I, I’m so sorry.”
Alex sighed, pushing himself up to sit on the edge of the bed, running his hand through his hair without saying a word. Here come the apologies that would have him running back, head first into the frontline.
“I didn’t mean to accuse you of those things; I didn’t mean what I said. It was the alcohol. It wasn’t you, baby, it was me. Please come home.” Jack pleaded.
Alex let out another rush of stale air from his lungs, tipping his head back to crack his still neck, tracing his injured eye with a careful finger.
“You promised you wouldn’t drink like that again, Jack. After…after last time.”
Alex didn’t even know why he was still pushing this; he’d already forgiven him. Hell, he hadn’t been mad to begin with. He just knew his place by now, he knew when defending himself crossed the line between stupidity and fatality.
“I know, but you promised you wouldn’t leave, so please come back. I can’t live without you.”
Alex felt a small smile tug at his lips, trying to keep it out of his voice as he replied.
“I…okay.”
ҳҳҳ
Alex could feel Rian’s eyes boring into the back of his head as he stared out the passenger seat window; up at the place he called his home. It really was laughable, how innocent the one story, picket fence, picture fucking perfect house looked. Nobody would have known the truth, looking from the outside. And both Alex and Jack used to be the same, but their effects on each other were starting to show through.
“He’s going to kill you one day.”
The silence had only been filled with the soft rumbling of Rian’s car until the younger male spoke, eyes still trained on his best friend; the boy he feared for each and every day of his life.
“Not if I kill him first.”
There was a smirk in Alex’s words that shouldn’t have been there - the situation wasn’t funny in the slightest, but maybe his once light humour had morphed into something dirty and dry. And the irony was that he was already dead; Jack had long since killed the Alex he’d been when they’d first met.
Rian didn’t protest when Alex opened the car door, hoisting himself from the metal vehicle and making his way up the pathway, barely recognising the sound of wheels skidding off behind him.
Maybe things would be okay for a while; at least, Alex hoped so. These huge blows their relationship often took were almost like tsunamis - they’d destroy almost everything around them, try and knock them down, but afterwards, all they could do was rebuild. The only way to go from rock bottom was up, right?
Alex wore a small smile as he pushed open the front door to the house, taking a tentative step into the silent walkway.
“Jack?” He called, footsteps echoing up the now bare walls and rounding the corner into the carpeted lounge room. “Baby, I’m ho-“
Suddenly there were strong, familiar arms around him - but they weren’t in the warm, welcoming way he’d expected. They were tight, far too tight as they caught him off guard from behind. Alex let out a cry of surprise, losing his footing beneath him as he fell back into Jack’s chest.
“You said you wouldn’t leave.” The demonic voice growled into Alex’s ear, his brown eyes blowing wide as one hand clasped over his open mouth, the other arm winding around his neck.
Alex tried to scream, but his wails were in vein, muffled against Jack’s palm as he started to drag Alex’s helpless body along the floor. The elder was kicking and thrashing, fingernails clawing at Jack’s skin, pain searing up his spine. But Jack wasn’t letting him go - he was heaving the convulsing body towards the hall.
“You’re not going to fucking leave again, you hear me?!” The brunet bellowed; voice raw and dangerous. That same ruthless growl as the night before.
Alex’s heels skidded down the floorboards of the main hallway, hands swinging out to try and grasp at the walls, fingers hooking hopelessly onto open door frames, only to be yanked away with Jack’s strength. His breath was puffing hard through his nose, unable to take deep breaths with the pressure on his throat, the lack of oxygen and sheer horror making his eyes sting.
It was only when Alex managed to pry his jaws open and clench his teeth down hard onto Jack’s palm that the taller boy halted, crying out as dull teeth tore deep holes into his flesh.
“You little fuck, stay still!” He screeched, and before Alex had a chance to take advantage of Jack’s fallen composure his head was being smashed hard against the wall, the plaster giving way with the force of his skull and forehead splitting in a gash.
Alex felt his consciousness waver, a distant cry escaping his lips as stars blurred his vision and his hearing dipped in octaves. He could feel his body moving again, dragging against the floor, but his head felt as if he were underwater. He couldn’t breathe.
The blond’s hazy eyes cracked open as he felt his back hit something soft, the splitting pain in his head increasing in intensity as his senses began to rush back. He was in their bedroom, his body laid out on the double bed, but he couldn’t move his arms, or his legs - he was tied down.
“Jack?” he croaked, heart thudding in his chest as he took deep breathes, limbs tugging desperately, to no avail “Jack?! Jack, what are you doing?!”
Alex thrashed around the best he could against the tight rope bindings, eyes darting around the room in search of Jack. He found the brunet stood beside the window - the same window he’d left through the night before. His back was turned, head bowed and looking down at something clutched in both hands.
“Jack, please, what are you doing?” Alex choked as the younger drew the thick curtains, before turning to face his restrained boyfriend.
Alex’s body tensed in terror when he saw the can of gasoline.
“Jack!” he screamed, tears brimming in his wide eyes and cutting paths down his bruised cheeks “Jack, don’t!”
Jack paid no attention to Alex’s pained cries as he approached the bed, jaw set and eyes stone as he raised the can. He didn’t want to do this to the man he loved, he honestly didn’t, but how else would he keep Alex from leaving his side? There was no happy ending to this bitter tale, but he’d rather be the one to finally destroy the boy he loved than let him slip away. It was forever or nothing.
Alex threw his head back against the pillows, chest heaving with sobs as he felt the pungent liquid rain down on him, soaking the bed, his clothes, his skin; mixing with the tears on his cheeks until the two were undistinguishable.
“D-don’t, baby, please.” Alex begged through his tears as every inch of his being was doused in gasoline “I l-love you, please. I’m so sorry.”
“You promised me you wouldn’t leave.” Jack hummed softly, unnervingly calm “I told you I can’t live without you, so you won’t live without me.”
“I won’t try and leave again, I promise! I p-promise.”
Jack leant down, admiring the way the droplets of flammable liquid dripped from Alex’s beautiful hair, the way his reflection blurred in his terrified, glossy eyes. He had always thought the blond was breathtaking, but like this - he’d never seen anything like this.
“Please.” Alex whimpered “I love you.”
“I know.” Jack whispered, pressing their lips together in a chaste, bruising kiss, enticing another heaved sob from Alex as he bit his lower lip with vengeance “Don’t worry, baby, I won’t leave your side. I never could.”
Alex clenched his eyes together, brain cells swimming and dying off with the nauseating smell of the gasoline, feeling Jack’s lips ghost his glistening neck.
“They always said we’d go down in flames.” Jack hushed, taking one last look at the quivering boy. One last look at the disaster they’d created together. The fatal mess of love and hate.
And then he stood up straight and struck the match.