Break Ups and Lawn Mowers
I thought I’d seen it all and heard it all really with the 3 significant relationships I have had in my life to date. The blame culture, the bitterness, the lack of responsibility, abusive behaviour, harassment and intimidation. I’ve even been offered money for sex by an ex.
But what a merry-go-round Evil Twin is having.
There’s a way of behaving if you want to maintain a friendship with an ex. It’s called accepting responsibility, listening to them and appreciating their choice to move on without you, even if it’s ripping your heart and soul out. Because I’ve been there too, with a man I loved more than life itself.
I’ve been on both sides of the equation, the dumper and the dumped.
The current happenings make me feel sad I had to cut my ex husband out of my life, ashamed almost that I could not maintain a friendship.
I had to cut him out, well..... 1) because he offered me money for sex and 2) because he could only see our 16 years together as something that was my fault for not making work.
He had my mother ring me to tell me I had clearly had a breakdown (sound familiar anyone?), and his mother ring me to tell me it was not my role in life to seek happiness for myself, but rather to make my partner happy. That’s nice if they make you happy in return but obviously a crock of shit when they don’t.
My epiphany moment, which I now refer to as the lawn mower moment and use the phrase with abandon when anyone blames me for anything that isn’t my fault.... was the day he rang me at work to tell me what I had done at home. Amazing how you can be in two places at once. It was my fault you see that he had cut through the cable to the lawn mower. While I was at work 80 miles away.....
How did he work that out? Two key faults of mine -
1) My constant nagging that he should lift a finger and share some of the chores, in a moment of madness he had decided he’d mow the lawn - while he was off work “sick” on his fat lazy ass just for a change. And...
2) The way I had coiled the lawn mower cable when I had put it away meant it uncoiled in a particular way so he cut across it as he was mowing. (WTF??).
Shame he didn’t kill himself was my only real thought.
That moment made me suddenly realise with astounding clarity that for 16 years I had been the butt of all evil, responsible for making things happen and for everything that went wrong too. No wonder I was drained, exhausted and stressed. The great thing is of course, if you have a personal culture of never taking responsibility, it’s ALWAYS someone else’s fault.... yay.... but then again.... it also means you can never make things happen for yourself.....
And with that culture going on with him, the only thing I could do was cut him out completely.
I still feel sad, even 12 years later that I had to do that, but then of course know from his second ex wife that he was just the same with her and still calling me everything from a pig to a dog 8 years later.
My next ex, went a bit stalker mad on me, veiled threats and other nonsense, so I had to threaten police, injunctions and harassment charges (hmm sound familiar again???). He disappeared pretty quickly after I mentioned the police, but dipped back into my life a couple of years ago and we are talking and friends again now which is... to use the colloquialism.... sweet. It’s nice to call each other and say hey, I’m down babe, cheer me up. Seems several years later we can support each other again, such a shame he went gay on me.
And my 3rd ex where I was the dumped, I did everything in my power to support his choice and make it easy for him, more fool I maybe, but I loved him so and when you love someone you want the best for them don’t you? Suck the hurt up and try and struggle forward into a new life while being able to talk to them still and in time be able to laugh with them again and have a form of special friendship with a shared history. Just over 5 months later and I’m almost there on that one.
Yes I’ve had my moments my pig and dog calling days admittedly.... but privately, with friends while I bawl my eyes out and they vent their spleen... I don’t believe I have ever tried to make things difficult for him?
Break ups are so hard, pain and tension, self questioning, wondering what you could have done to make things different, to achieve a different, better end result even if that still meant splitting up. It must be nice to have that culture where you believe it’s all about the other person and none of what has happened is your fault. Perhaps that’s a comfort in itself.
I have a tendency to do the opposite, beat myself up and look at everything I have done and how I could have changed my own behaviour, taking responsibility for everything. Everything is still my fault... I really must stop doing that.....
Break ups are shite however you look at them and whether you are the dumped or the dumper.