stuff
this is basically to get things out, to try and let go.
Jerid and I have sad such a tight grip on eachother for so long. we both give eachother plenty of space, but we are the type that doesnt like the idea of the other person finding someone new and all that comes along with that. I told him its time to move on last wednesday so its been a week now. I really wish it would work but it just doesnt right now. i am not a big priority and he doesn't want to change that. he deosnt want to put effort into our relationship, i know this because he is the type of person to do anything to get what he wants. he will work hard as hell to get anything or anyone in his favor. thats how he is, he wants to be the top dog. so i know if he wanted us to be together he would try some. he doesnt try much. the last time we hung out i set up the tent in the back yard with candles so we could sleep in privacy (my bed is in the same room as my moms and i know he doesnt like that). i gave him a great back massage, we had fun sex like always (our sex is never anything to complain about, its the only thing we both do really well for eachother :P ) I was trying really hard to make him comfortable and still do things in a way i enjoyed them. so its not like i didnt give it one more try before i took any action. le sigh.
the break up was easy enough, we both agreed it was a proper idea, and of course i cried and he didnt, but thats not unusual. the day after that was even more awesome...
i asked my mom if i could give her some cash and she write me a check, somehow this escaladed to me "not being any kind of a daughter" because I don't pay any rent. She said I needed to pay or leave SO the last two days, all together about 12 hours of searching new albany, clarksville, and louisville, only to end up nowhere. It's a waste of money to pay rent here when i dont even have my own room or space to breathe in. I just cant find somewhere that is cheap enough for me to live in by myself. I cant find a room mate so easily because I'm not going to live with people who will frustrate me through their choice of lifestyle. At least I am being honest. but i want to look forward to coming home and all that jazz. to put a cherry on top, jerid happens to be moving out right when i have to. But he is more successful than I am. He has already moved into a huge 3 bedroom house on gutford lane (which is like the knobs on in clarksville), pretty much sitting up super high surrounded by nature in all directions. Why does he get to live in the woods, and ill prob. be stuck in the city? that is opposite of our personas. he doesnt liek to woods and nature, he says its not diverse. He's living with both his best friends and some random dude. So their thousand dollar house is definatly paid each month considering 3 of them work at spinellis and they make good good money there.
So this is when I realised that if you really do conform to "the man's" ideas about working hard and that bullshit, you get to have a really great place to live. if you like the bum life then you get stuck, looking for a 400 dollars a month crap hold. I wont lie, I am envious but I know that I can be happy somewhere small. I just happen to love trees more than him so i dont understand why god has made the situation into what it is. or why i have made it this way. bleh. reguardless of why it is the way it is, I just want to remember jerid doesnt really love ME anymore, he loves who i used to be and i wont ever be that person again. I thought about it though... I thought about being just plain old vegan again, getting back into the normal state of conciousness is easy. youjust ignore your instincts and do what all the outside influences say. its not hard in fact its so easy i could probably even make myself enjoy emo rock and driving around in a car again. to bad i know its not worth it. oh well. so im sad right now but things always get better. i guess its harder when you have nothing to distract you from dwelling. most all of anyone i talk to are happily in a relationship so they dont really care about what im saying. they listen but they dont hear me. but i guess at least i can say im not in that trance state either. i just want balance. i want love, and i want someone i can rely on now and again. Im glad that i dont listen to janis joplins song "a woman left lonely" and think of myself anymore. blah. i just have to remember that its only gets better everytime because it always has. it really has. and i even cheered up just then as i realised that it really does get better. its just up to me to decide when it will be better. okay, ive complained enough and i would like to end on the good note im ending on :)
Jerid and I have sad such a tight grip on eachother for so long. we both give eachother plenty of space, but we are the type that doesnt like the idea of the other person finding someone new and all that comes along with that. I told him its time to move on last wednesday so its been a week now. I really wish it would work but it just doesnt right now. i am not a big priority and he doesn't want to change that. he deosnt want to put effort into our relationship, i know this because he is the type of person to do anything to get what he wants. he will work hard as hell to get anything or anyone in his favor. thats how he is, he wants to be the top dog. so i know if he wanted us to be together he would try some. he doesnt try much. the last time we hung out i set up the tent in the back yard with candles so we could sleep in privacy (my bed is in the same room as my moms and i know he doesnt like that). i gave him a great back massage, we had fun sex like always (our sex is never anything to complain about, its the only thing we both do really well for eachother :P ) I was trying really hard to make him comfortable and still do things in a way i enjoyed them. so its not like i didnt give it one more try before i took any action. le sigh.
the break up was easy enough, we both agreed it was a proper idea, and of course i cried and he didnt, but thats not unusual. the day after that was even more awesome...
i asked my mom if i could give her some cash and she write me a check, somehow this escaladed to me "not being any kind of a daughter" because I don't pay any rent. She said I needed to pay or leave SO the last two days, all together about 12 hours of searching new albany, clarksville, and louisville, only to end up nowhere. It's a waste of money to pay rent here when i dont even have my own room or space to breathe in. I just cant find somewhere that is cheap enough for me to live in by myself. I cant find a room mate so easily because I'm not going to live with people who will frustrate me through their choice of lifestyle. At least I am being honest. but i want to look forward to coming home and all that jazz. to put a cherry on top, jerid happens to be moving out right when i have to. But he is more successful than I am. He has already moved into a huge 3 bedroom house on gutford lane (which is like the knobs on in clarksville), pretty much sitting up super high surrounded by nature in all directions. Why does he get to live in the woods, and ill prob. be stuck in the city? that is opposite of our personas. he doesnt liek to woods and nature, he says its not diverse. He's living with both his best friends and some random dude. So their thousand dollar house is definatly paid each month considering 3 of them work at spinellis and they make good good money there.
So this is when I realised that if you really do conform to "the man's" ideas about working hard and that bullshit, you get to have a really great place to live. if you like the bum life then you get stuck, looking for a 400 dollars a month crap hold. I wont lie, I am envious but I know that I can be happy somewhere small. I just happen to love trees more than him so i dont understand why god has made the situation into what it is. or why i have made it this way. bleh. reguardless of why it is the way it is, I just want to remember jerid doesnt really love ME anymore, he loves who i used to be and i wont ever be that person again. I thought about it though... I thought about being just plain old vegan again, getting back into the normal state of conciousness is easy. youjust ignore your instincts and do what all the outside influences say. its not hard in fact its so easy i could probably even make myself enjoy emo rock and driving around in a car again. to bad i know its not worth it. oh well. so im sad right now but things always get better. i guess its harder when you have nothing to distract you from dwelling. most all of anyone i talk to are happily in a relationship so they dont really care about what im saying. they listen but they dont hear me. but i guess at least i can say im not in that trance state either. i just want balance. i want love, and i want someone i can rely on now and again. Im glad that i dont listen to janis joplins song "a woman left lonely" and think of myself anymore. blah. i just have to remember that its only gets better everytime because it always has. it really has. and i even cheered up just then as i realised that it really does get better. its just up to me to decide when it will be better. okay, ive complained enough and i would like to end on the good note im ending on :)