Heart
I really must have a super guard up. I have realized that I always "disappear" for awhile, from everyone. Friends will wonder where I have gone, I contact no one. Or, if I meet new people, and they want to hang out more and get to know me, I find excuses to not hang out, then stop contacting them. I am always pushing people away. Of course the one person I let in (my ex Justin) ends up hurting me more than I could have ever imagined. The last time I have cried like this, was over my moms death. The kind of cry where you just drop to your knees, your weak and shaking, and your stomach aches, and all you can do is just expel this pain through tears and silent screams.
I swear, when this pain comes around, and my heart starts to slowly beat out of my chest, that in those beats, it sends out a call. A call for love, a call for help. Now if only the right person would answer these calls, I wouldn't be here writing about the heart I gave, and how it was handed back to me in pieces.
I don't want to push people away anymore. I don't do it on purpose. I get scared. I find it easier to be with myself, then to let people in, and chance getting hurt. I've been used and abused. It shows.
Anytime I get any sort of feelings towards someone, friendship, relationship, I just get rid of them because to me it probably isn't worth feeling them. Having feelings has only got me hurt. I feel that I have been the only genuine, honest person, in most of my relationships.
I swear, when this pain comes around, and my heart starts to slowly beat out of my chest, that in those beats, it sends out a call. A call for love, a call for help. Now if only the right person would answer these calls, I wouldn't be here writing about the heart I gave, and how it was handed back to me in pieces.
I don't want to push people away anymore. I don't do it on purpose. I get scared. I find it easier to be with myself, then to let people in, and chance getting hurt. I've been used and abused. It shows.
Anytime I get any sort of feelings towards someone, friendship, relationship, I just get rid of them because to me it probably isn't worth feeling them. Having feelings has only got me hurt. I feel that I have been the only genuine, honest person, in most of my relationships.