Sensible Heart_Part 4.1
Title: Sensible Heart
Chapter: 4.1/4.2
Pairing: Tora x Shou, implied Tora x Saga
Rating: R to NC-17, for this one, NC-17
Genre: AU sorta, angst
Warnings: male x male, gore, sorta AU, foul language, sex, angst, character death.
Summary: What happens after all that you've ever known is gone? You try to move on, with every fibre of your being.
Comments: And here is the first part of the final chapter…I know, still isn't vital signs, but with a little luck, I may, maybe, post some of that tomorrow, if RL isn't a stupid c*nt. And I hate livejournal for making me break this in two because it's too big. Really? Post too large? F*ck you LJ, you're breaking the flow of my story! Without further ado, enjoy part 4.1...
***
The storm outside was raging, the wind angry and cold, lifting thick flurries of snow that made it hard to see more than a few feet ahead. It suited Tora's own angry mood just fine as he zipped his coat, lifting the deep hood over his head as he ventured in the small wooded area across from his cabin. The thick pine trees cut off most of the wind as he walked, and walked, full of rage, deeper in the forest, until he got to the small clearing he liked to go to when he he needed to think, brushing the snow from an old stump, sitting down.
He shoved his hands in his pockets angrily, trying to make sense of his jumbled thoughts, sorting through the mess of his mind.
He was enraged at Shou for the flippant remark, how he had carelessly suggested that he move on with his life.
As if he could. How could he possibly move on after having to kill his own lover, seeing his chest explode with blood as he shot him right through the heart.
How could someone with a sane mind even think of moving on?
He was ruminating those dark thoughts when a hint of a voice deep inside him murmured what he hadn't wanted to hear.
Moving on doesn't mean forgetting. It doesn't mean betrayal. Saga would be happy for you…
He tried his best to shut those ideas, because he was afraid. So afraid that by being with Shou he wouldn't do the sweet, gentle, former vocalist justice, his heart forever taken with the memory of his former lover.
But Shou isn't Saga, its different…
But what if it wasn't? What if in the throes of passion he utters his name? How could Shou even bear to live with only half of a lover, he deserved better.
Against his will he started thinking of the five months that Shou had been there with him.
How he secretly liked having his meticulous routine disrupted by the sometimes harebrained antics of the slender man. How overjoyed he had been at helping him finding something that he was passionate about apart from music, sneakily observing with a smile on his face when Shou lovingly tended to his cuttings and potted specimens. He thought of Shou's endearing attempts at pronouncing the russian words that the sailors tried to teach him, his eagerness at learning everything that he could about them, their families, their culture, making each and everyone feel less lonely. His selfless generosity, with everything that he owned, even if it wasn't much. The way he made Shizuka laugh with his joking and his silly faces, and his excited giggling whenever she pressed his hand to her belly to make him feel her baby kicking and fluttering.
His thoughts drifted to the warmth of his smile, that still-boyish figure that could be so graceful yet so clumsy at once, those liquid-chocolate eyes, glittering in the dim light. They had sparkled like gems in the pale setting of his face when their eyes had met in that smoky kitchen on new year's eve…
Those steady breaths against his shoulder at night a reassuring presence.
The slender outline of that tall figure, detaching itself on the semi-transparent partition between the bedroom and the office, as he undressed to bathe, oblivious to the fact that Tora was consuming himself with lust on the other side, as his eyes hungrily followed every graceful movement of that beautiful silhouette.
Gods, he was beautiful.
He was beautiful, and sweet, and good natured, and patient. And Tora loved him.
He loved him.
It hit him like a crashing wave, the realization filling him with confusion, fear, eagerness, desire, warmth. So much warmth it overwhelmed everything else.
He loved him, and it terrified him to feel so strongly about someone when he had taught his heart to be cold. Love could be lost, so easily, he knew that better than anyone else.
So why waste time? Why waste so much time, out in a storm, angry at himself, when there was a warm body, a gorgeous smile, the most expressive brown eyes, to love and cherish with his heart. To worship with his body, just a few meters away, waiting for him and his silly, fearful heart.
He was up in a flash, no longer brooding, walking back to the cabin with determined steps.
He wasn't gonna lose Shou. Not today. Not ever if he could help it.
***
Shou felt like his heart had been ripped out of his chest. Too shocked for tears even.
He stood there, hunched over, fingers still clenched on the table for god knows how long, just trying to get his breathing under control.
He started weighing the options in his mind.
Maybe he could head to the neighbouring village on foot, ask nicely for some shelter until the storm cleared and then make his way back down the island? Or maybe he could keep going north. He knew enough russian to get by, and he had made plenty of friends that probably wouldn't mind ferrying him over. It was a thought.
One thing was sure, he couldn't stay. He just couldn't, not after seeing that there was no hope for him to ever get a place in Tora's heart, as a lover or otherwise. Not like they could remain being friends after this. And besides, he couldn't possibly satisfy himself with friendship alone, not anymore, not with his heart aching for him with such desperation.
The static of the radio interrupted his thoughts.
He sighed, walking over to the transmitter in the office, picking up the mike dejectedly.
"Tora-san?"
It was Shizuka's voice. But she sounded distraught, out of breath.
"Shizu-chan? Its Shou, what's wrong?"
"Oh god…I'm so happy to hear your voice…I…I…"
She was panting, making Shou worry.
"Breathe good god…Calm down…"
"I…I think my water broke…"
Shou very nearly dropped the mike.
"Where is Takuya? And your father?"
"They went…to the neighbouring town to trade…and I suppose that they wont be back…until tomorrow at the least…"
"Oh lord…okay…okay…"
Shou was completely bewildered, trying to remember what Tora had briefly taught him about labour and childbirth, just in case. Where was the man when you needed him?
"Shizuka, I need you to listen to me okay…you're gonna lie down, and try to relax okay…slow, even breaths. Have you timed your contractions, like Tora showed you?"
"Only twice in the last hour I'd say…I'm scared Shou-kun…"
"Its gonna be okay, don't worry, I'm on my way…"
There was a pause at the other end of the line.
"Shou-kun…where IS Tora-san?"
He felt oddly embarrassed, his romantic issues seeming trivial in comparison to what she was going through.
"We…well, hum…we had a little…disagreement I guess…" he said lamely.
She groaned at the other end.
"Good lord…can you two stop playing fucking cat and mouse with each other? Love is right there, bright as goddamn day between you two for everyone to see but you guys. Its tiring, fucking give in already!"
"But…but Tora, with Saga…you know…"
"He's afraid he won't be able to love you the same way…and he won't, because you're not Saga. But what could possibly stop him to love you for you?"
She had a goddamn good point.
"Just talk to him…tell him how you feel. Tell him that you're ready to accept him, baggage and all, and I can bet you he won't push you away…But make it quick ne? I don't want to give birth by myself…over."
She had already cut off the communication, leaving Shou completely bewildered for a few instants, until he filled himself with resolve. Shizuka was right, running away in the night was not a way to solve things. He would tell Tora his feelings, no matter the response he got, and then, he would go and deliver that baby, doctor or not.
He walked back into the kitchen area, looking around for his coat when the door slammed open, with Tora, completely wet and white with snow, breaking the distance between them with three long strides, grabbing Shou's face in his cold hands.
Before Shou could even articulate anything, Tora had covered his mouth with his own, drowning him in a searing kiss that melted everything else from his brain, bending him back against the table.
Their lips clashed and fought, tongues entangling, the pent up passion between them igniting like a thousand fireworks, gorgeously bright. Tora's hands slid down Shou's face, down his neck and back, along the length of his spine, both groaning with need when Tora's hands splayed on his lower back, pressing their groins together tightly, the two of them painfully hard. Their mouths parted, Tora pressing his cool, wet forehead to Shou's warm one.
"Shou…Shou I'm so sorry…gods…I.." he panted, mouth finding his own again, demanding and eager, Shou's hands fisting in that long hair, only half heartedly pulling him back, remembering that there was a woman giving birth that needed them.
"Tora, gods I wish we could keep doing this but Shizuka's water broke…" he managed, panting hard, almost laughing when Tora's eyes widened so much he looked like an owl.
"Like, right now?"
"Right now. Two contractions in the last hour."
Tora took a deep breath and backed off, rolling his eyes, as he grabbed hold of Shou's hand, firmly, fingers entwining as he dragged him to the office, the confident contact making Shou giddy.
"Of course, it had to be today…let's get the kit and go. We'll talk later."
***
They found Shizuka on the floor of the living room, her back propped against the foot of a heavy chair, both hands clutched on her belly, trying her best to breathe slowly. She gave them a little pained grin as they burst in, covered with snow, hair sticking to their damp, cold reddened faces. She looked so fragile, frail but for her stomach, her long brown hair tied back in a loose braid, her pale face clammy with sweat.
"Well well…how nice of you two to visit! I would offer you some tea, but I'm afraid I have a little situation here…" She teased, the two men bursting out laughing as they shrugged out of their coats and hats and scarves, dumping it all on the hooks drilled in the walls of the entrance.
"Looks like we can trust you to be sarcastic even while bringing new life into the world…" Shou teased right back, plopping down on the floor beside her, brushing sweat damp strands from her forehead.
Tora appreciated that Shou lightheartedly teased back, knowing that Shizuka was being sarcastic only because she was full of fear. Giving birth could be risky if it wasn't done right, and she was the first to get to term since the two other women had died, most of the women too scared to attempt it without a doctor. But Tora was confident. He'd studied the literature inside and out, and he knew the risks. Plenty of women had given birth on their own, in worst conditions, and survived. He would make sure that Shizuka would be one of them too.
He took out his medical kit and walked the short distance over to the kitchen, seeing that she had set out a considerable amount of water to boil. He turned around with a grin.
"You even set out water for my equipment? Wow, you're the best patient really…Are you really quite sure you need us, because Shou and I have things to discuss." He teased, putting down clamps and shears in the boiling pot to sterilize them, giving a sideways glance at Shou who blushed a pretty shade of pink.
Shizuka made a mock-shocked face.
"Did I interrupt your make-up sex? If so…" she turned to Shou with a wicked smile, "I want to know all the details!"
"You didn't! Didn't interrupt anything!" Shou blurted, flustered, "We were just having a…a good chat…"
She quirked an eyebrow at him.
"Were you really? I will get to the bottom of this…"
She stopped, hissing, hands clutching in the dark blue cotton of her yukata. Shou reached for one of her hands, his fingers entwining with hers, reassuringly.
"Contraction?" Shou asked.
She nodded in reply, breathing slowly through her mouth.
"They're getting closer together, maybe ten minutes apart…"
Tora nearly dropped his stethoscope.
"Ten minutes apart! Yikes…we don't have much time. Shou, you're gonna go in the linen closet and get me some sheets and towels, were gonna make her more comfortable."
"I'm gonna give birth here? On the living room floor? Why not in bed?" Shizuka asked, letting go of Shou's hand reluctantly.
"I don't think you're gonna want to get up tomorrow and wash your futon out in the snow, because its gonna need washing…"
She looked thoughtful, looking over at the puddle on the floor from when her water broke. It was a big puddle.
"I guess you have a point…Ok then, lets do this!"
***
"I really…didn't think… it would hurt this…fucking…much!" she wheezed between contractions, laid out on a pile of sheets between Shou's bent legs, her back resting against his chest as he held on to her shoulders.
"Your contractions are three minutes apart, and you're fully dilated, it shouldn't take much longer…" Tora reassured, kneeling between her thighs, his sterilized tools laid out on a clean tray within easy reach.
He hoped he wouldn't have to use them, they were for an emergency c-section in case things turned sour. He hoped with all his heart that it would only be a matter of guiding her through it, and not cutting her open without anaesthesia. So far so good. She was hurting, but that couldn't be avoided.
"I feel a big one coming…" she breathed, her body tensing with pain, knuckles going white as her hands clenched on Shou's thighs.
He rubbed her arms softly.
"You'll be fine…you can do this…" he encouraged.
He felt her entire body shake against his with a repressed sob of pain, her big brown eyes filling with tears.
"This is so hard…good god…I wish I still had my mommy…" she huffed with her pained voice, reminding them both that she was little more than a child herself.
Her mother had died in the first wave of infection, one of the lucky ones that just died and didn't come back. She had been 14 at the time, a rough time for a teenaged girl to lose her mother. She had just turned 16 when Tora arrived, harbouring some kind of a teenage crush on the tall man, until he had painfully awkwardly told her that he was into guys. And that she was half his age. And now she was there, 19 years old, barely a woman, struggling to bring new life into the world, without her father and her boyfriend, with them two for company. It could've been worse, but it could've been better too.
"Its okay Shizu-chan…I know this is hard…but I need you to try okay…"
She growled as another contraction tore through her.
"Shizu-chan, you're crowning, you're gonna have to start pushing at the peak of the contractions…" Tora instructed, bracing himself.
She fell back exhaustedly against Shou's chest, panting, eyes full of tears.
"But I'm so tired…It hurts…"
Tora looked up as he put on a fresh pair of gloves.
"Shizu-chan…look at me…" he asked, hand reaching for that pale, sweat-matted face, cupping her cheek in his warm hand, "look at me…"
Her eyes met his, wet and full of fear. His own amber ones soft, and caring, and reassuring, so much so that Shou himself felt at ease losing himself into them.
"You're doing so good already, don't give up…I can almost see the head, just a few pushes and you'll have your baby…you're so strong…you can do this…" he reassured, with that soft velvet of a voice, caressing her cheek with his gloved fingers. She leaned in the caress, sighing.
"Okay…okay I can do this…"
"That's my girl…lets get this baby out. Shou, I want you to wrap your arms around her just above her stomach, keep her still okay?"
Shou proceeded, wrapping both arms tight around her, bracing her against him, just in time for her to tense again.
"Oh gods…here's another…"
"Push at the crest okay, a good solid push…"
She cried out in pain as she pushed, her blunt nails digging hard in Shou's thigh, falling back against him.
"That was good! Really good! I can see the head…be strong!"
She let out an incoherent groan as she pushed again, her body arching.
"You can do this…" Shou encouraged as she fell back again, quickly brushing the hair out of her eyes as she panted and huffed.
"I hope so…" she moaned in reply, exhausted.
"You can…don't worry its almost over…" Shou reassured, quickly looking up to see that Tora was looking at him with a smile, eyes so full of love that Shou's heart swelled in his chest.
But they were interrupted by Shizuka, who was having another contraction, clawing at Shou's thighs
"Okay push, push…the head is out! Keep it up Shizuka! Another one come on!" Tora cheered, happy that the cord wasn't wrapped around the baby's neck.
She let out another pained cry as she gave another push, breathing hard through her nose. The baby came out in a gush of bloody amniotic fluid, wrinkled and shiny, and looking quite healthy as it immediately started squirming in Tora's gloved hands. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, his throat tightening, eyes filling with tears as he reached over to hand the child to Shizuka's waiting arms.
"Its a girl!"
***
Shou had helped her clean herself up while Tora examined the newborn baby girl, who had quickly expressed her discontent at being uncovered with loud, healthy wails. She had a personality alright. She breathed, squirmed, had all ten toes and fingers, and already had a liking for Shou, quieting as soon as Tora put her down in his arms, making Tora and Shizuka roll their eyes.
"There you go, already a fangirl…" Tora teased under his breath, making Shou blush and giggle as he went over to the kitchen counter with the baby to get her dressed, while Tora bodily picked up Shizuka to take her to bed.
She had been exhausted, but hadn't wanted to pass out yet, not without thanking Tora first, in a tired voice as she lay on her side, grabbing on to his hand with her small one as he tucked her in.
"I wouldn't have done it without you…"
Tora shrugged with a little smile.
"You did all the work, I only helped a little."
"Oh lord…stop being so fucking modest already…You're a good doctor, degree or not, trust me on that."
He sat on the edge on the futon, caressing her arm gently, soothingly.
"I probably wouldn't be anything if I hadn't ended up here three years ago. You, and your father, and everyone here in this village has given me a reason to live. It should be me thanking you, for everything. For saving me."
"Don't thank me…really. You had it in you, it was only waiting for a reason to come out."
He grinned, squeezing her shoulder affectionately.
"Well, thanks for showing me that I had it in me then…"
They were quiet for a second, the silence broken by Shou's hushed voice in the other room, as he cooed at the baby with his low, gorgeous voice. Shizuka eyed Tora with a little smile on her heart-shaped mouth.
"Have you two confessed to each other?"
Tora sighed, nodding.
"Not yet."
"You want to?"
"Yes, very much so. But I need to apologize first."
She rolled her eyes.
"What have you done?"
"We…we've been, tense I guess? Since new years eve. Earlier tonight, I was really irritated, because of the tension, and the storm, and the fact that I just cant handle my own emotions like a sane person. I snapped at him. Compared him to Saga."
She hissed.
"That's rather harsh."
"It was. Harsh, and unfair, and way out of line."
"Have you accepted that he's not him? That he'll never replace him?"
Tora smiled then, fondly, patting Shizuka's back gently.
"I have. He doesn't need to replace Saga, because he's made his own place in my heart. That space that will only ever belong to him…"
***
Shou had fallen asleep on the sofa when dawn came, Tora unable to get any rest, still up on the adrenalin rush. He'd cleaned up the living room, packed away his equipment, and was sitting down in the rocking chair with Yukiko in his arms.
It was a fitting name that Shizuka had chosen. Snow-child.
The baby was sleeping peacefully too, her little face pink and wrinkled. She was so small. He estimated her weight at six pounds, her length at 17 inches. He still couldn't believe that those hands of his had delivered that baby a few hours ago. They'd had good conditions, as Shizuka was young and healthy, but it gave him the confidence to repeat the whole experience.
He was rocking the chair back and forth gently, making the floor creak, when Shou opened his brown eyes, greeting him with a sleepy smile.
"Is she still sleeping?" Shou asked, pushing himself to a sitting position, yawning.
"Yeah…she's so…" he gently brushed his fingertips down the slope of her small nose, the bow of her upper lip, "small…and fragile…and so goddamn adorable…" Tora murmured, fondly, his soft smile making all his perfect features shine beautifully.
Shou chuckled.
"That little girl is gonna be so spoiled…I can tell from your lovestruck face."
She stirred, her grey-blue eyes opening slowly, with a few flutters of long lashes. She looked up to Tora, her little eyes unfocused, her little mouth opening and closing. He stood up, smiling at the baby in his arms.
"I bet you're hungry Yuki-chan, lets take you to mommy, ne?"
She let out a sleepy whine in response, making him chuckle, and Shou's stomach explode with butterflies and warmth. The whole night had only strengthened his resolve. Seeing Tora, the man he had met as a shy, modest, unassuming teenager, being so in control and sure of himself, dedicated and confident as he delivered that baby had melted his heart. He wanted to be with him, so goddamn much…
He stood up and walked over to the kitchen, tossing more wood onto the cooking fire before setting a pot of water on the hook over it. They all needed a cup of tea after such a night.
He was looking for the green tea in the cupboards when Hiroshi and Takuya arrived, the both of them covered head to toe in white powdery snow. They shut the door behind them and started brushing snow everywhere as they removed hats and scarves and coats, finally noticing that Shou was there to greet them with a smile.
"Shou-kun? I'm happy to see you but what the hell are you doing here?" Hiroshi asked, stepping out of his boots, "And is that Tora's coat?"
Shou nodded with a smile.
"Yeah were both here. Take off your boots, I'll show you why…"
He grabbed Takuya by the arm, the young man giving him a puzzled smile as Shou guided him to the bedroom, trying to contain his excitement. He opened the door gently and smiled, pushing the young man inside.
Shizuka was sitting up in bed, reclining on the pillows, breastfeeding the baby while Tora sat on the edge of the futon. They both looked up when a puzzled Takuya was pushed in by Shou, smiling brightly when the young man just paused in the doorway, eyes wide, mouth falling open. Tora stood to greet him, chuckling when instead of taking his offered hand the young man just hugged him tight with a thankful sigh. Tora patted him on the back affectionately before parting, touched when he saw that Takuya's eyes had filled with joyful tears. He pulled him towards the bed.
"Come, come meet your daughter…"
There were lots of tears of joy, congratulations, shots of celebratory sake. And lots of thanks given to Shou and Tora, which they brushed off, blushing, claiming that they'd done their duty. When Hiroshi took out the village registrar, where all the birth and deaths were recorded, he felt so emotional at finally entering a birth that his hand shook too much, and he asked Takuya to enter it for him. The young man bent to the task, printing neatly in his small handwriting.
Sasaki Yukiko (f), born 06-02-2016 to Sasaki Shizuka (f), Sasaki Takuya (m).
But he added a note after the line, that made Hiroshi smile.
Delivered by Tora and Shou.
***
End of part one.