a practice in genki
Very odd. I can post to LJ from work (on this security-filtered system) but I cannot read my friends page? Friends are spam, but I am not. Heh. And whew, my supervisor has said I can continue doing this as we wait to find out what we do today.
Well, the rest of the week, including today, I go straight from data-entry to deli, and Friday I must attend a farewell party for two coworkers/people-I-must-befriend, and Saturday is my cousin's wedding in Winona, before I return home early Sunday to resume deli work. But next week I'm taking off from the data-entry job (there's not enough work for us to do right now) and just working the deli. So I will try to exist again, for a little while.
Perseverence. Resilience. Persistance. Sheer grit. Sometimes, all I have left that keeps me going is my stubborn streak. It is the core of my personality, all that remains when everything else has burned away. Survival mode. Not living, not really, but surviving. Still, just for a few months. And I practice my genki for Japan. Eventually, somehow, if I wear the mask long enough, lie to myself enough, I will make it my reality. Just the transition is what's painful. Just writing this is a lapse in the facade that I shouldn't allow. But I'm so tired and still yearn to be understood as much as I seek to understand other people. And lying does not offer true understanding. I don't know, there are still parts of myself always striving in contradiction to one another and I cannot decide which I want to be more. I'm so indecisive in life it's really quite sad.
Had an exploratory bike over to my friend's house yesterday. Left straight from work, but made it in only an hour and twenty minutes. Rather proud of myself; took a couple wrong turns, but oriented myself rightly and got there just fine. Made dinner, chatted, watched 28 Days Later, and she gave me two garbage bags full of clothes she didn't want anymore! Ah, and Tuesday was the one day where I had no plans but myself after work, so I actually wrote a page on my story!
Untimely. That word is the other core of my being. I was born two days late, butt-first, and my timing's been off in life ever since. Heh. Maybe that's how I'll tell my story. Or maybe not. Once you decide to organize your life around some principle, it's not hard to find the evidence. I could easily spin it the other way and find just as much that's true.
Okay, work has been found for us. Couple last notes: I have gained the talent of typing with my caps lock always on (like now), but making the text natural. Second, there's this cool website (Cinemix) that plays music from soundtracks. I've heard Lord of the Rings, The Perfect Storm, Shrek, Narnia, Magnificent Seven, Pirates, and more. But they don't say titles or anything, which is annoying. And finally, I've been doing a lot of thinking about things--life, relationships, friendships. But I can never seem to find any answers. Or perhaps they aren't the answers I want.
Well, the rest of the week, including today, I go straight from data-entry to deli, and Friday I must attend a farewell party for two coworkers/people-I-must-befriend, and Saturday is my cousin's wedding in Winona, before I return home early Sunday to resume deli work. But next week I'm taking off from the data-entry job (there's not enough work for us to do right now) and just working the deli. So I will try to exist again, for a little while.
Perseverence. Resilience. Persistance. Sheer grit. Sometimes, all I have left that keeps me going is my stubborn streak. It is the core of my personality, all that remains when everything else has burned away. Survival mode. Not living, not really, but surviving. Still, just for a few months. And I practice my genki for Japan. Eventually, somehow, if I wear the mask long enough, lie to myself enough, I will make it my reality. Just the transition is what's painful. Just writing this is a lapse in the facade that I shouldn't allow. But I'm so tired and still yearn to be understood as much as I seek to understand other people. And lying does not offer true understanding. I don't know, there are still parts of myself always striving in contradiction to one another and I cannot decide which I want to be more. I'm so indecisive in life it's really quite sad.
Had an exploratory bike over to my friend's house yesterday. Left straight from work, but made it in only an hour and twenty minutes. Rather proud of myself; took a couple wrong turns, but oriented myself rightly and got there just fine. Made dinner, chatted, watched 28 Days Later, and she gave me two garbage bags full of clothes she didn't want anymore! Ah, and Tuesday was the one day where I had no plans but myself after work, so I actually wrote a page on my story!
Untimely. That word is the other core of my being. I was born two days late, butt-first, and my timing's been off in life ever since. Heh. Maybe that's how I'll tell my story. Or maybe not. Once you decide to organize your life around some principle, it's not hard to find the evidence. I could easily spin it the other way and find just as much that's true.
Okay, work has been found for us. Couple last notes: I have gained the talent of typing with my caps lock always on (like now), but making the text natural. Second, there's this cool website (Cinemix) that plays music from soundtracks. I've heard Lord of the Rings, The Perfect Storm, Shrek, Narnia, Magnificent Seven, Pirates, and more. But they don't say titles or anything, which is annoying. And finally, I've been doing a lot of thinking about things--life, relationships, friendships. But I can never seem to find any answers. Or perhaps they aren't the answers I want.