fourteen - self-evaluate THIS!

[alcoholit]

((ooc: This would have been on Rube's post, but guess who exceeded the character limit. Besides, Bernard never intended to hand it in, just to fill it in with utter ridiculousness and post it publicly to take the piss. So enjoy. He's even attached a picture for everyone's amusement.))

Comments

posted underneath Bernard's evaluation

[truevulgarian]

Inmate Self-Evaluation Form

Name: Otto West
Warden’s Name: Bernie 'Fightin' Irish' Black

1. How long have you been here? Like a month and a half or something. Doesn't matter because I'm really somewhere ROTTING IN THE GROUND.
2. Do you believe you belong here? Probably. You've seen my iron fists of fury.
3. If you were a color, what color would you be, and why? I'm getting total blue balls here, so that.
4. How many wardens have you had? Just this one Irish fucker.
5. Describe your average day aboard the Barge.
6. What job has your warden assigned to you? They assigned me to cook the food here. I take this job very seriously, as I believe a balanced diet is an essential part of overall health.
But mostly I just cook chips.
7. What was your initial reaction upon meeting your warden? He's a dick. Dick dick dick ohwaitmaybenota-nope, dick.
8. What are your hobbies? Trying to one-up Mr. Irish O'Drinky in our dickery contest.
9. In one word, how would you describe your warden? fuckfaceassholedickhead
10. What is the most important rule to follow, as an inmate? BE YOURSELF
11. What is your ideal holiday destination? Living
12. What is the worst moment you’ve experienced aboard the Barge? NONE, THEY'VE ALL BEEN SWELL
13. What is the best moment you’ve experienced aboard the Barge? NONE, THEY'VE ALL BEEN HELL
14. Do you feel you have improved since arriving here? I am truly a better person for having stabbed Bernard Black.
15. How many times have you died? ----
16. If you were an animal, what animal would you be, and why? A majestic eagle.
17. Do you feel that you know your fellow inmates well? I know them well, but I feel like they won't let me in. Open your hearts, ladies and gentlemen!
18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? I could be less handsome. I know it's tough being around me because I'm just such a fantastic specimen of a real man.
19. If you could change one thing about your warden, what would it be? His hair. You're right, Bernie, it sucks.
20. Do you want to graduate? High school? College? Already did that, chaps.
21. How do you feel? Like a fresh spring day.

Multiple Choice Questions:

1. You discover one warden is a criminal and ought to be an inmate. Do you:
a. Ignore the situation.
b. Report the situation to the Admiral.
c. Plan a riot.
d. HE IS A CRIMINAL, SOMEBODY HELP ME

2. Of the choices, which would you prefer for your employment?
a. Lifeguard
b. Law enforcement - I've done this one. It was lots and lots of wholesome fun.
c. Computer Technician
d. Sanitation Worker

3. If you could have one of the following historical figures for a warden, which would you choose, based on their ability to do the job capably and fairly? Please research your answer.
a. Abraham Lincoln - Because he's much better looking than my warden now.
b. Socrates
c. Wyatt Earp
d. Che Guevera

Rate the following on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being “Poor” and 10 being “Excellent”.

1. Your warden’s behavior. 10. He makes me want to better myself.
2. Your warden’s effectiveness. 10. He effectively makes me want to strangle only him.
3. Your behavior. 10. I am a model citizen.
4. Your warden’s hygiene and cleanliness. -3 Have you seen his suit?
5. Your hygiene and cleanliness. 10. GORGEOUS.
6. The quality of the food. 10. I make art with those potatoes!
7. Your communication with the wardens in general. 10. Ask that crazy skirt who beat me down.
8. Your communication with your warden. 10. We have long talks as we stroll in the pale moonlight.
9. Your warden’s ability to communicate. 4 I don't speak his brand of "English".
10. The likelihood that you will graduate within the next six months. 10. I see a bright future for all!

Why are you here?
Because some fuck ran me down with a steam roller.

[alcoholit]

Oh, you're still alive?

ugh.

[truevulgarian]

Not only could I ask the same of you, but I could take care of that for ya if you want.

[alcoholit]

What, by killing yourself? Be my guest. Be my guest.

[truevulgarian]

Yeah, clearly I meant killing myself.

[alcoholit]

Clearly! So obvious! I know for a fact you've never heard of sarcasm, as your brain couldn't take it, so obviously, yes, this must be it!

[truevulgarian]

HEY! I CAN DO SARCASM.

[alcoholit]

Not nearly elegantly enough! SIGH.

[truevulgarian]

HEY. Don't you write down SIGH with me, pal! I can be fuckin' elegant!

[alcoholit]

C'mon then, chop chop, let's see some. Because all I'm getting right now are fucks and caps lock.

...which is an interesting image.

OOC: AHAHAHAHAHA

[mrs_persson]