fourteen - self-evaluate THIS!
((ooc: This would have been on Rube's post, but guess who exceeded the character limit. Besides, Bernard never intended to hand it in, just to fill it in with utter ridiculousness and post it publicly to take the piss. So enjoy. He's even attached a picture for everyone's amusement.))
Name: Manny Bianco.
Inmate’s Name: His beard.
1. How long have you been here? About one meter 90.
2. What skills do you bring to your organization? The ability to perfectly administer a stream of abuse and disdain, you pencil-pushing, psycho-analysing omnishambles.
3. If you were a color, what color would you be, and why? Black! Like my poor, tortured heart and soul! Watch me cry tears of blood into my pint and wallow in my suffering until someone looks like they might give a damn.
4. How many inmates have you had? More than you can keep track of, love.
5. Describe your average day aboard the Barge. Well. You wake up in the morning and aliens have invaded the ship. Then there’s usually a brief interlude where an inmate tries to murder someone. Then, after lunch, there’s another brilliant opportunity for the gits with organisational sticks stuck so far up their arse, even the contents of their stomach are filed, to demonstrate their skills at being bossy arse holes because OH NO, WE NOW LIVE IN A HORROR FILM. This increases the body count by about six and we might as well be living in a serial killer’s wet dream at this point. Except the suffering doesn’t end there, because by dinnertime, everyone’s back alive and bitching about how much dying sucks, and half of the barge is either dead or in zero. Down a bottle of vodka. Sleep. Repeat.
6. How many of your inmates have graduated? I’d be surprised if they even let him in university. In the vague vicinity of a university. I’m sure every institute of education has a restraining order on the man.
7. Do you believe in the existence of a deity? Explain. Yep. The Oh God of hangovers. me? Stealing jokes from literature? I never.
8. How many of your inmates have disappeared without graduating? Many of them. I keep them under my bed in bite sized chunks.
9. What was your initial reaction upon reading your inmate’s file? That moustache is terrible.
10. What are your hobbies? Insulting you. Deriding you. Grinding you down into a fine powder of pathetic, and then blowing all the pieces across the universe in a fine dust which may, one day, form a planet of complete and utter uselessness. Treating you with the utmost disdain. Taking the piss with the sort of vicious force only normally considered safe to use on elephants.
11. In one word, how would you describe your inmate? Wanker.
12. What is the most important rule to follow, as a warden? You do not talk about being a warden. This whole form is, essentially, unconstitutional.
13. What is your ideal holiday destination? Somewhere a long, long way from here.
14. What is the worst moment you’ve experienced aboard the Barge? THIS FORM.
15. What is the best moment you’ve experienced aboard the Barge? Open bar.
16. Do you achieve a sense of satisfaction from this job? DO I EVER? If by ‘this job’, you mean sitting with my feet up in the vague hope my inmate doesn’t sneak off in the dark and slit someone’s throat? And then getting to kick their arse in the most vindictive and drawn out ways I can possibly think of? Then yes.
17. How many times have you died? Thirty-seven. You just missed them all whilst busy complaining about each other.
18. If you were an animal, what animal would you be, and why? A dodo. Because I’ve always wanted to see what it was like to be extinct.
19. Do you feel that you know your fellow wardens well? Well enough to know they’re, in the main, an incredibly BORING bunch and need to quickly buy themselves either a sense of humour or a bungee cord for throwing themselves off the side of the Barge, but so they can come back so I can laugh in their faces. Which they won’t get, because they didn’t purchase that sense of humour ten minutes ago. THEY’RE GOING CHEAP AND ARE BETTER THAN SUICIDE, GUYS. Don’t miss this offer! Also better than the Black Death. Certified and guaranteed not to kill you.
20. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? My hair. It sucks. I’d like to look like a spider plant this month. I think that’d suit me. It’d go incredibly well with the cigarette smoke.
21. If you could change one thing about your inmate, what would it be? It doesn’t just need a trim, but it needs shaving off, cremating and the ashes need to be squashed into a tiny little urn which me and a fellow warden can compete over in a game based solely around ridiculous rules every year. We shall call it The Ashes (of pointless goatees) and the national media shall make a GREAT and epic fuss.
22. How do you feel? Like this was a complete waste of time. I could have been sitting.
Multiple Choice Questions:
1. Your inmate has created a weapon. Do you:
a. Allow them to keep it. Just. To. See. What. Would. Happen.
b. Confiscate the weapon without comment.
c. Confiscate the weapon and assign punishment.
2. Of the choices, which would you prefer for your employment?
a. Lifeguard
b. Law enforcement
c. Computer Technician
d. Sanitation Worker - most jobs are shit, guys. At least this one doesn’t pretend.
3. If you could have one of the following historical figures for an inmate, which would you choose, based on their likelihood for redemption? Please research your answer.
a. John Wilkes Booth
b. Rasputin - Mainly so I can sing silly Eighties songs at him and see how difficult he really was to kill.
c. Jeffrey Dahmer
d. Judas
Rate the following on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being “Poor” and 10 being “Excellent”.
1. Your inmate’s behavior. 1. That beard is an unruly thing.
2. Your effectiveness as a warden. 10! I have perfect and wonderful strategies every time.
3. Your inmate’s hygiene and cleanliness. 1. It’s a dirty thing too. Tut tut, beard.
4. Your hygiene and cleanliness. 10! Well, with the exception of the hair, which really does need the spider plant effect.
5. The quality of the food. Oh, food is provided? And there was me living off that pizza-with-the-wasps. 6, then.
6. Your communication with your fellow wardens. I’m communicating right now, aren’t I? 10!
7. Your communication with your inmate. I thought he could mind read. Well, this explains a lot...
8. Your inmate’s ability to communicate. See above. Minor dilemma.
Why are you here?
I don’t know. Why are you here?
Name: Manny Bianco.
Inmate’s Name: His beard.
1. How long have you been here? About one meter 90.
2. What skills do you bring to your organization? The ability to perfectly administer a stream of abuse and disdain, you pencil-pushing, psycho-analysing omnishambles.
3. If you were a color, what color would you be, and why? Black! Like my poor, tortured heart and soul! Watch me cry tears of blood into my pint and wallow in my suffering until someone looks like they might give a damn.
4. How many inmates have you had? More than you can keep track of, love.
5. Describe your average day aboard the Barge. Well. You wake up in the morning and aliens have invaded the ship. Then there’s usually a brief interlude where an inmate tries to murder someone. Then, after lunch, there’s another brilliant opportunity for the gits with organisational sticks stuck so far up their arse, even the contents of their stomach are filed, to demonstrate their skills at being bossy arse holes because OH NO, WE NOW LIVE IN A HORROR FILM. This increases the body count by about six and we might as well be living in a serial killer’s wet dream at this point. Except the suffering doesn’t end there, because by dinnertime, everyone’s back alive and bitching about how much dying sucks, and half of the barge is either dead or in zero. Down a bottle of vodka. Sleep. Repeat.
6. How many of your inmates have graduated? I’d be surprised if they even let him in university. In the vague vicinity of a university. I’m sure every institute of education has a restraining order on the man.
7. Do you believe in the existence of a deity? Explain. Yep. The Oh God of hangovers. me? Stealing jokes from literature? I never.
8. How many of your inmates have disappeared without graduating? Many of them. I keep them under my bed in bite sized chunks.
9. What was your initial reaction upon reading your inmate’s file? That moustache is terrible.
10. What are your hobbies? Insulting you. Deriding you. Grinding you down into a fine powder of pathetic, and then blowing all the pieces across the universe in a fine dust which may, one day, form a planet of complete and utter uselessness. Treating you with the utmost disdain. Taking the piss with the sort of vicious force only normally considered safe to use on elephants.
11. In one word, how would you describe your inmate? Wanker.
12. What is the most important rule to follow, as a warden? You do not talk about being a warden. This whole form is, essentially, unconstitutional.
13. What is your ideal holiday destination? Somewhere a long, long way from here.
14. What is the worst moment you’ve experienced aboard the Barge? THIS FORM.
15. What is the best moment you’ve experienced aboard the Barge? Open bar.
16. Do you achieve a sense of satisfaction from this job? DO I EVER? If by ‘this job’, you mean sitting with my feet up in the vague hope my inmate doesn’t sneak off in the dark and slit someone’s throat? And then getting to kick their arse in the most vindictive and drawn out ways I can possibly think of? Then yes.
17. How many times have you died? Thirty-seven. You just missed them all whilst busy complaining about each other.
18. If you were an animal, what animal would you be, and why? A dodo. Because I’ve always wanted to see what it was like to be extinct.
19. Do you feel that you know your fellow wardens well? Well enough to know they’re, in the main, an incredibly BORING bunch and need to quickly buy themselves either a sense of humour or a bungee cord for throwing themselves off the side of the Barge, but so they can come back so I can laugh in their faces. Which they won’t get, because they didn’t purchase that sense of humour ten minutes ago. THEY’RE GOING CHEAP AND ARE BETTER THAN SUICIDE, GUYS. Don’t miss this offer! Also better than the Black Death. Certified and guaranteed not to kill you.
20. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? My hair. It sucks. I’d like to look like a spider plant this month. I think that’d suit me. It’d go incredibly well with the cigarette smoke.
21. If you could change one thing about your inmate, what would it be? It doesn’t just need a trim, but it needs shaving off, cremating and the ashes need to be squashed into a tiny little urn which me and a fellow warden can compete over in a game based solely around ridiculous rules every year. We shall call it The Ashes (of pointless goatees) and the national media shall make a GREAT and epic fuss.
22. How do you feel? Like this was a complete waste of time. I could have been sitting.
Multiple Choice Questions:
1. Your inmate has created a weapon. Do you:
a. Allow them to keep it. Just. To. See. What. Would. Happen.
b. Confiscate the weapon without comment.
c. Confiscate the weapon and assign punishment.
2. Of the choices, which would you prefer for your employment?
a. Lifeguard
b. Law enforcement
c. Computer Technician
d. Sanitation Worker - most jobs are shit, guys. At least this one doesn’t pretend.
3. If you could have one of the following historical figures for an inmate, which would you choose, based on their likelihood for redemption? Please research your answer.
a. John Wilkes Booth
b. Rasputin - Mainly so I can sing silly Eighties songs at him and see how difficult he really was to kill.
c. Jeffrey Dahmer
d. Judas
Rate the following on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being “Poor” and 10 being “Excellent”.
1. Your inmate’s behavior. 1. That beard is an unruly thing.
2. Your effectiveness as a warden. 10! I have perfect and wonderful strategies every time.
3. Your inmate’s hygiene and cleanliness. 1. It’s a dirty thing too. Tut tut, beard.
4. Your hygiene and cleanliness. 10! Well, with the exception of the hair, which really does need the spider plant effect.
5. The quality of the food. Oh, food is provided? And there was me living off that pizza-with-the-wasps. 6, then.
6. Your communication with your fellow wardens. I’m communicating right now, aren’t I? 10!
7. Your communication with your inmate. I thought he could mind read. Well, this explains a lot...
8. Your inmate’s ability to communicate. See above. Minor dilemma.
Why are you here?
I don’t know. Why are you here?