Savage Garden - Hold me [Tonks]
So tell me isn't happiness
Worth more than a gold diamond ring
I'm willing to do anything
To calm the storm in my heart
Again and again they'd talked, and again and again she ended up feeling worse after it.
He never ever dared claiming he did not love. If he would do that, she'd finally give up and leave him alone. But she knew it wasn't that.
It was his damned determination that he wasn't worthy of her. And that stood between them, around her, like a wall of ice, inside of which her heart seethed and churned and flamed, and never managed to reach him.
True, he was a werewolf. But that did. Not. Matter to her. Never would she change her view of that; she'd known he was a werewolf for such a long time that for her it was an integral part of him. It was an unchangeable fact, like the colour of his eyes that she never got enough of looking into, when he'd let her; or the shape of his hands. And how could she claim she loved him if she could exclude a part of him?
And he was indeed older than her. But - wizards lived longer lives than muggles. They could both reach an age where the difference in age would be totally negligible. Of course, if they both survived the war, but that was a danger for everybody, even Bill and Fleur (Hah! They weren't quite the same age either!). Age was, and ever had been, in her opinion, not to be a problem for a couple. Well, especially if it was in the favour of the girl. Guys with more experience were more likely to be reliable. And to appreciate a good laugh.
And wealth, or lack of it, and unemployment. Now this rankled.
For, with all things taken into consideration, Tonks was kind of spoiled. She'd never wanted for anything, neither as items or opportunities. She was good at what she was doing; but she was sure Remus was just as good. (Better, see thoughts about experience.) And, added to the fact that she was unafraid of work, and the rarity of her inborn talent... She got distracted by pulling a lock of her lanky hair before her eyes and trying to change it again. No. She sighed.
But she'd never had any trouble getting the position she wanted, and she was rather determined she wanted to be an Auror, always had been.
Remus, on the other hand, had always had trouble finding work, finding a place to fit, because he was a werewolf. Ridiculous; Remus Lupin, with the exception of his stubbornness in recognising that she meant it when she said there was no other man for her, was the best man and wizard one could have around. Intelligent, clever, attentive, with a subdued, but undeniable sense of humour, a load of compassion, and immeasurable amounts of knowledge. She thought that with all the reading he was doing, he was ahead of anybody his age; a chance remark by Dumbledore kinda confirmed that. Why would anybody refuse that man working for them, because of ONE night a month, she could not fathom.
But she could not deny it either.
And, gallant as he was, he felt that being with him would deprive her of stuff she was used to.
Well, possibly. She'd not be given trinkets that she might wish; she'd might even have trouble at work. Well if she did, she would find something else to do; she'd not be thrown out of the Order because of Remus, and that was enough for her. She'd joined the Aurors to have a say if there was another war; she'd have that as a Phoenix.
And happiness, being with Remus, meant to her so much MORE than any kind of present she might wish, and he might not be able to give her! The times before he'd pulled away, for HER sake... those touches, the minutes in his arms, the gentle spark in his eyes...
Nothing could compare with that. No gold or diamonds or ... anything. Nothing could be as perfect.
Remembering though had been a mistake. Tonks sobbed in the silence of her cottage, then sat up in bed and bent her knees and hugged them tightly to her.
It hurt so much.
It felt like a tempest in her heart. With thunders and flashes that rent it apart.
She.
Wanted.
Him.
So.
And what made things worse was that she knew he wanted her too. But he'd grown so used to not having good things in his life for long that he would deny himself as well as her until his words felt like shards of ice on her skin.
She'd honestly do anything to ease the pain, to calm. To warm. As his arms around her, as his gaze on hers could warm her.
Anything.
Except forget him.
Because he had another good thing... an honest heart and real love in his reach.
Her heart and mind agreed on this. She could not pull back her offerred love. Not for her own sake; not when it would scar him even deeper, too.
She could just hope that she'd reach through to him and make him let her love him as she could.
And she would love him better than anyone else had loved him. This she promised herself. She would!
Muse: Tonks
Famdom: Harry Potter ( Affirmation claim)
Word count: 882