(no subject)
ive been wanting to be here for some time
i dont know why exactly
i guess its just alot of things
things that i miss
things that i need
i realise that i need this
this place
to be honest, its the only place where i can really be myself
say the things that i believe, feel, want
not the things that are the forced words i find myself saying.
words to make the awkwardness go away
words to make knowledge on my place in the scene.
its a facade, a blocked essence of who i am.
but in here.
i am me
and everything i say and everything that i feel makes sense.
its the feeling that without this place,
i can grasp my own thoughts.
i can sense them, but they are undistinguishable.
when i wake up in the morning, i feel good
i feel good to know that theres someone that loves me.
i feel good to know that everything im doing, im doing to the best of my ability.
and i sit in a rockingchair, listening to the sounds of my dads old cd collection.
and as im rocking im thinking about nothing at all. and am just a peace with myself.
and it is that moment of the day that i love the best.
something throughout the day changes however.
and whatever contentment i have becomes reinforced with the outside world.
the things i have are no longer the things i want.
im painting myself a picture of my life on a canvas
but the colours aren't fitting right.
it feels like im being trapt of what i expect of my own life
as to what i want of it.
and it does take its toll.
and i see it
and people close to me see it
but im afraid to admit it.
admit that there will always be a want in me for the things i can control.
to look in the mirror and grip at my every flaw.
i stare and i don't see what people tell me i am.
and i hate that.
and my fate is that.
to control it.
and i wonder how it got to be this way.
i wonder what are the motives behind the reasons.
i wonder is everyone just not happy with there lives.
or am i just one of the fucked up ones.
but to sit there and say im truly unhappy would be a lie.
because there are things i love.
its as if im at sea. going in and out of the eye of the storm.
"you are the only one who can make yourself happy.
you are the only one who can allow yourself to be.
if you want it, then take it.
theres nothing stopping you."
theres only one person who can make me want it.
to be better
to be happy with myself
becasue they deserve someone who causes them the utmost glee.
andso i strive for them.
and i continue to battle within myself
and they may not see it.
but i know they know it.
because thats what love does to you.
its that ultimate sacrifice.
i dont know why exactly
i guess its just alot of things
things that i miss
things that i need
i realise that i need this
this place
to be honest, its the only place where i can really be myself
say the things that i believe, feel, want
not the things that are the forced words i find myself saying.
words to make the awkwardness go away
words to make knowledge on my place in the scene.
its a facade, a blocked essence of who i am.
but in here.
i am me
and everything i say and everything that i feel makes sense.
its the feeling that without this place,
i can grasp my own thoughts.
i can sense them, but they are undistinguishable.
when i wake up in the morning, i feel good
i feel good to know that theres someone that loves me.
i feel good to know that everything im doing, im doing to the best of my ability.
and i sit in a rockingchair, listening to the sounds of my dads old cd collection.
and as im rocking im thinking about nothing at all. and am just a peace with myself.
and it is that moment of the day that i love the best.
something throughout the day changes however.
and whatever contentment i have becomes reinforced with the outside world.
the things i have are no longer the things i want.
im painting myself a picture of my life on a canvas
but the colours aren't fitting right.
it feels like im being trapt of what i expect of my own life
as to what i want of it.
and it does take its toll.
and i see it
and people close to me see it
but im afraid to admit it.
admit that there will always be a want in me for the things i can control.
to look in the mirror and grip at my every flaw.
i stare and i don't see what people tell me i am.
and i hate that.
and my fate is that.
to control it.
and i wonder how it got to be this way.
i wonder what are the motives behind the reasons.
i wonder is everyone just not happy with there lives.
or am i just one of the fucked up ones.
but to sit there and say im truly unhappy would be a lie.
because there are things i love.
its as if im at sea. going in and out of the eye of the storm.
"you are the only one who can make yourself happy.
you are the only one who can allow yourself to be.
if you want it, then take it.
theres nothing stopping you."
theres only one person who can make me want it.
to be better
to be happy with myself
becasue they deserve someone who causes them the utmost glee.
andso i strive for them.
and i continue to battle within myself
and they may not see it.
but i know they know it.
because thats what love does to you.
its that ultimate sacrifice.