(no subject)
Im at a point with my fibro that, after trying different jobs, I can no longer work. I have a disability claim in the filing. Husband works. I gathered up resources. Went to local medical group that has financial aid- we qualify for 100% discount. Went to a free dispensary, am getting free meds. Went to DSS. We qualify for Medicaid and food stamps. Sadly, 30 days you must wait for DSS to help if there is an income. So we will be tight on food for the next month or so. But with Medicaid we will be able to get dental help (I started getting dentures but need permanent ones, the bottom teeth done, and a cleaning). We will get mental health, which we both need desperately. I will be able to get another cane, a walker, and the other equipment that I need. I had my first call with SSA to start my disability claim, but it takes 3 to 6 months. I have a good feeling about my claim but its still a long time. Things are underway.
All that said. I WANT MY MOMMY! I feel utterly lost. I have worked hard all my life! I earned a college degree. I have had great jobs working with at-risk youth. jobs that I was amazing at and loved. Now it is all for nothing. I have lost my identity. The only thing I never wanted to be, my entire life, is a housewife. Thats all I am now. This is the time a girl wants her mommy. I want mommy to hold me, rock me, tell me it will all be ok, make the monsters go away. mine is not one of those kinds of mother. My mother is an awesome women who love me and my sister very much. She has always provided for us and been there for us. Due to her own "stuff" my mother has never been an emotionally warm person. She has never been the type, when things got bad as adults, that cuddled and rocked and made me feel safe. She is pragmatic. I dont need pragmatism! I need a hug! I need to be told that the world isnt closing in on me.
It isnt just mom, my whole family is this way. We are the epitome of WASP. When mom had cancer, she looked to me for emotional support because daddy couldnt give it. My sister and I are fairly close, but we never talk about big things.
Then there is my wonderful husband. I love him so much. He loves me so much. He loves me too much. He loves me so much that what is happening to me is crippling him. He is withdrawn and agitated and, when he does talk, expresses suicidal/homicidal thoughts (which he would never follow through with! or I would be more worried). My husband has his own mental health issues. He was discharged from the military on a psych discharge. I get that this is hard for him! Its hard to see your spouse in pain, feeling hopeless, knowing there is nothing you can do. But this is the time *I* need support. yes, its happening to us, but its happening to ME! Im the one in pain, Im the one feeling hopeless. The majority of the time I blame myself for the situation we are in; not that I am to blame, I have Fibro, but because its ME that has it, I feel its my fault. Instead of hearing me when I talk about feeling like its my fault, hubby will give me a hard time that its crazy to think that way. BUT I DO!
i just feel like the world is against me. I feel like I have no one to talk to about it. I did get to talk to a friend of mine, whom I have been friends with for 30 years. She asked me for a ride today while I was out running errands. Because my errands were disappointing, I was upset when we met up. I got to vent to her a little. It felt better! But its a poor substitute for an emotionally supportive family or spouse.
All that said. I WANT MY MOMMY! I feel utterly lost. I have worked hard all my life! I earned a college degree. I have had great jobs working with at-risk youth. jobs that I was amazing at and loved. Now it is all for nothing. I have lost my identity. The only thing I never wanted to be, my entire life, is a housewife. Thats all I am now. This is the time a girl wants her mommy. I want mommy to hold me, rock me, tell me it will all be ok, make the monsters go away. mine is not one of those kinds of mother. My mother is an awesome women who love me and my sister very much. She has always provided for us and been there for us. Due to her own "stuff" my mother has never been an emotionally warm person. She has never been the type, when things got bad as adults, that cuddled and rocked and made me feel safe. She is pragmatic. I dont need pragmatism! I need a hug! I need to be told that the world isnt closing in on me.
It isnt just mom, my whole family is this way. We are the epitome of WASP. When mom had cancer, she looked to me for emotional support because daddy couldnt give it. My sister and I are fairly close, but we never talk about big things.
Then there is my wonderful husband. I love him so much. He loves me so much. He loves me too much. He loves me so much that what is happening to me is crippling him. He is withdrawn and agitated and, when he does talk, expresses suicidal/homicidal thoughts (which he would never follow through with! or I would be more worried). My husband has his own mental health issues. He was discharged from the military on a psych discharge. I get that this is hard for him! Its hard to see your spouse in pain, feeling hopeless, knowing there is nothing you can do. But this is the time *I* need support. yes, its happening to us, but its happening to ME! Im the one in pain, Im the one feeling hopeless. The majority of the time I blame myself for the situation we are in; not that I am to blame, I have Fibro, but because its ME that has it, I feel its my fault. Instead of hearing me when I talk about feeling like its my fault, hubby will give me a hard time that its crazy to think that way. BUT I DO!
i just feel like the world is against me. I feel like I have no one to talk to about it. I did get to talk to a friend of mine, whom I have been friends with for 30 years. She asked me for a ride today while I was out running errands. Because my errands were disappointing, I was upset when we met up. I got to vent to her a little. It felt better! But its a poor substitute for an emotionally supportive family or spouse.