(no subject)
If you were to ask me I think it was the move from Kansas. That's what did it to me. All the other ones seemed easier. Maybe because by the time I left all of my friends had just left. Kansas was different though. It physically hurt. I can still remember driving in the car, looking out the window at the stars, and wishing soooo hard that somehow in the night we had turned around and we were heading back. I just kept wondering how Jessica and David were ever going to find me. I remember the place we were staying on base when we first got there, i hated it, I made fun of the mountains. But as I write about this I remember something else. The summer before. My parents shipped my brother and I off to Iowa to stay with my grandparents while they went to Colorado to look at a house. I met this boy there, he stood up for me against the town bully. I had a special spot by this creek that ran through town, where I would go to just think. I would ride my bike around town all day, I got really good and could even ride without hands. I had forgotten about that summer. Raiding my mom's car of all her change to get goodies down at the local gas station. We never got in real trouble for it, but she knew. Ever since then though I noticed I was different. Before I was always happy, people liked me for that. Then suddenly here was Colorado and I was quite and shy, it wasn't my normal self. I was sad, but I couldn't let anyone know how much I ached inside. Slowly though the pain went away, and I became happier and somewhat my old self, but not fully. I never really fully returned, which is why I make the rash decision to leave Colorado. I thought I had lost everyone, but I never really did, they were all there, I just cut myself off. There's too many memories that I look back on now that were so happy for me, but It kills me that I left that all. I never fully recovered from that either. Then it seemed to myself all I would know was pain. And that does seem to be the way my life went for a while. My longest relationship, ended in heartache, but that's normal to go through. That summer was great, but ended in heartache, again normal. But to a person who thinks all they will know is pain, it just makes things worse. While I think going to UAF was my best decision, it was my worst at the same time. It hurt me even more, but gave me a great new friend. The thing was though, I just forced myself through even more pain. Way too much that I finally just broke one night. All of it finally became to much and I knew I had to leave. It's been almost two years since I left, I should be getting my degree this year, yet I still leave with all that pain inside of me. All that pain i've collected is just sitting there. While i'm trying to move away from it, I notice it consumes me more each day.
I had a dream with him in it the other day. I don't want to dream about him anymore. I want to move on, put all the pain aside, and I find a make great strides, then i'm truly reminded of where it really truly all began. With that man. The one who all day today just snapped at me. Who is constantly reminding me of how much he's been doing for me lately, and complaining how he can't wait to get his kids out of the house. Well you know what I think you owe me at least this much. With all the pain you caused me, and forced me to lock up inside, you owe me. I was barely even allowed to cry around him. My final concert in Colorado, afterwards I started to cry, not because I had decided to move yet, but because a lot of my friends were leaving, but I wasn't allowed to cry. I had to stop, because those friends didn't matter it was the ones I was going to make later in life that would matter. So instead of dealing with anymore snapping I came downstairs with my puppy, since he had suddenly started causing so many problems. You know if someone starts to play with him it's their fault. I told him no and he stopped, I didn't need you being an asshole about it. I didn't even get told pie was done. So now I refuse to eat it. And to top it all off it snowed all day, which means i'll be spending yet another night alone. Happy Thanksgiving to me..
I had a dream with him in it the other day. I don't want to dream about him anymore. I want to move on, put all the pain aside, and I find a make great strides, then i'm truly reminded of where it really truly all began. With that man. The one who all day today just snapped at me. Who is constantly reminding me of how much he's been doing for me lately, and complaining how he can't wait to get his kids out of the house. Well you know what I think you owe me at least this much. With all the pain you caused me, and forced me to lock up inside, you owe me. I was barely even allowed to cry around him. My final concert in Colorado, afterwards I started to cry, not because I had decided to move yet, but because a lot of my friends were leaving, but I wasn't allowed to cry. I had to stop, because those friends didn't matter it was the ones I was going to make later in life that would matter. So instead of dealing with anymore snapping I came downstairs with my puppy, since he had suddenly started causing so many problems. You know if someone starts to play with him it's their fault. I told him no and he stopped, I didn't need you being an asshole about it. I didn't even get told pie was done. So now I refuse to eat it. And to top it all off it snowed all day, which means i'll be spending yet another night alone. Happy Thanksgiving to me..