How do you walk away from the last year and a half of your life
I guess maybe it's just more of i'm tired of waiting around for something that's never going to happen. Maybe it's just not meant to be and no matter how hard we try to fight it's still doomed anyways. Because no matter how hard we try we'll never be happy. He'll be out, and i'll be here, and yet neither one of us will understand the other. He'll never understand how much it hurts, and i'll never understand his space. He'll never understand this constant being placed second, and i'll never understand his love for other things. Maybe in trying not to change each other we're trying to change ourselves and it's not working, and since ourselves will never be enough, this will never be enough. And for once all the thoughts in my head make sense. He still wants to fly so he does, I still want to fly, but I can't. Just like the sun is forever chasing the moon, I will forever be chasing him, and it can't work that way. I keep going back and forth, because I love him, but maybe just maybe it's not enough, and maybe if you truly love someone you do have to let them go. Maybe i'm just meant to always let them go. Maybe i'm just a stepping stone. Maybe i'll wake up in the morning and feel diferently, but I can garantee you that in a couple weeks i'll feel the same all over again, and because it's not going away, maybe i'm meant to go away. I've gotten use to it, gotten good at it actually. I've always enjoyed running away, maybe that's why I run to clear my head, maybe I just need to keep running away until i've fully cleared my head. If I do this then maybe i'll take some time off and go away from here for a little bit. Maybe I need that. Maybe I need time. I love him, but just not enough to make it work. Because he doesn't deserve this, if he wants to go snowboarding with his friends it shouldn't be a big deal. It's beside the point that I decided not to go in and work some extra hours tomorrow hoping I would get some alone time with him. It's beside the point that over and over again i've asked him to take me and teach me. It's beside the point that when he comes home, the dog is the first one who gets attention. It's the fact that no matter how understanding I try to be, it kills me inside, and it becomes a big deal, and it's just simply going snowboarding, and it shouldn't be this big deal. Maybe, just maybe the deal is I have no friends to go snowboarding with, I have no friends to ditch him with. No in fact I ditch the one friend I have to spend time with him. I have no other life, but he shouldn't be punished for that. He's young, he's suppose to be out having fun. I'm broken, i'm suppose to feel this way. I hate this, I hate knowing what I need to do, and knowing that it's going to kill me, yet still knowing it needs to be done because we'll never be happy. I can all ready feel the pain, it's consuming me. This hole is going to be a hard one to climb out of, and it's going to take a very long time.