Lost and Found
I don't think I've ever felt so good after feeling so thoroughly and constantly rejected.
As I watched Edison(whether Edison Apple is his real name or a stage one I prefer not to know) climb into that other boy's truck, Stephen's words rang in my ears.
"He who hesitates is lost."
This simple, well-worn phrase had profound meaning for me that not. Having let indecision, fear and doubt paralyze me for so long I could almost feel the shackles clatter to the floor. After waiting for a sign, any sign, for so long the realization that there is no sign nor will there ever be one was a relief.
I've had this crazy notion that the right choice would reveal itself in time, I just had to wait for it. Silly isn't it? To think that there's some master plan that will solve all your problems and make everything okay took more hubris than even I thought I was capable. Yet I managed it. Except last night made me realize there is no right course of action. There is only what you do and don't do, if you make no choice then the choice is taken from you.
Of course all of this came to me four beers, two cranberry vodkas and a kamikaze later but hey it still rings true in the harsh reality of sobriety. So I think I'm going to stop letting my insecurities keep me frozen in fear. To be certain they will continue to influence actions but I think that as long as I'm doing something I'll be okay. I've told myself time and again that I've been stuck for far too long, that it's time to move on, experience new things and so on. Yet there was always that tsunami of doubt that came in such thought's wake, crushing me under its weight.
What if? What if? What if? What if?
Dozens, hundreds, thousands of hypothetical scenarios that I would use to convince myself that such pioneering would in fact lead me away from what I want. Yet I think I needed to be reminded that I'm really looking for is the forest and not the trees. So I say fuck it. I've waited and hesitated and hemmed and hawed while the cows have came and left and came home again. I've put my life on hold hoping that someone would come along and press the play button again but no one has and at this point I doubt anyone will. So it's time to get moving again, I had a false start in spring but the itching put an end to that, time to learn how this game really works and maybe put a few stories under my belt in the process.
Speaking of stories. On Friday a rather attractive guy walked right up to me at the bar and proceeded to ask me if I wanted to go back with him and his friend to their other friend's place. I couldn't think of any real reason why not so I agreed. While the shock that I was being propositioned for an orgy didn't really wear off until we were all well into it, I also didn't feel the apprehension that I typically associate with such encounters. Which is odd cause you'd think group sex would be more imposing yet the fact that I was only responsible for my own pleasure removed a lot of the pressure and I had a rather enjoyable experience.
Also on a somewhat tangential note: I hung out with a guy last night(after the whole Edison leaving with Truckee incident, mind you) and through the course of our conversation it turned out that he's HIV+(or Poz in gay slang). Normally I take these things in stride: most positive people either are rather unlucky and happened to have been with the wrong person in the wrong place at the wrong time or knew quite well the risks they were taking and took them anyway. Either way they it's never bother me despite the rather impressive social stigma it tends to carry. Except I'm attracted to this one in a way that's similar to how I was attracted to Paden, which is to say I want to fuck him a dozen ways til Sunday. So this information gave me pause(that pun only really works when spoken, and it's not really funny anyway but it's the best I can do right now). I'm not sure yet how I'm going to approach this and it's quite possible that it's just a non-issue as he broke up with his boyfriend of a year and a half less than a week ago. Irregardless, some input or insight on this issue would be much appreciated.
As I watched Edison(whether Edison Apple is his real name or a stage one I prefer not to know) climb into that other boy's truck, Stephen's words rang in my ears.
"He who hesitates is lost."
This simple, well-worn phrase had profound meaning for me that not. Having let indecision, fear and doubt paralyze me for so long I could almost feel the shackles clatter to the floor. After waiting for a sign, any sign, for so long the realization that there is no sign nor will there ever be one was a relief.
I've had this crazy notion that the right choice would reveal itself in time, I just had to wait for it. Silly isn't it? To think that there's some master plan that will solve all your problems and make everything okay took more hubris than even I thought I was capable. Yet I managed it. Except last night made me realize there is no right course of action. There is only what you do and don't do, if you make no choice then the choice is taken from you.
Of course all of this came to me four beers, two cranberry vodkas and a kamikaze later but hey it still rings true in the harsh reality of sobriety. So I think I'm going to stop letting my insecurities keep me frozen in fear. To be certain they will continue to influence actions but I think that as long as I'm doing something I'll be okay. I've told myself time and again that I've been stuck for far too long, that it's time to move on, experience new things and so on. Yet there was always that tsunami of doubt that came in such thought's wake, crushing me under its weight.
What if? What if? What if? What if?
Dozens, hundreds, thousands of hypothetical scenarios that I would use to convince myself that such pioneering would in fact lead me away from what I want. Yet I think I needed to be reminded that I'm really looking for is the forest and not the trees. So I say fuck it. I've waited and hesitated and hemmed and hawed while the cows have came and left and came home again. I've put my life on hold hoping that someone would come along and press the play button again but no one has and at this point I doubt anyone will. So it's time to get moving again, I had a false start in spring but the itching put an end to that, time to learn how this game really works and maybe put a few stories under my belt in the process.
Speaking of stories. On Friday a rather attractive guy walked right up to me at the bar and proceeded to ask me if I wanted to go back with him and his friend to their other friend's place. I couldn't think of any real reason why not so I agreed. While the shock that I was being propositioned for an orgy didn't really wear off until we were all well into it, I also didn't feel the apprehension that I typically associate with such encounters. Which is odd cause you'd think group sex would be more imposing yet the fact that I was only responsible for my own pleasure removed a lot of the pressure and I had a rather enjoyable experience.
Also on a somewhat tangential note: I hung out with a guy last night(after the whole Edison leaving with Truckee incident, mind you) and through the course of our conversation it turned out that he's HIV+(or Poz in gay slang). Normally I take these things in stride: most positive people either are rather unlucky and happened to have been with the wrong person in the wrong place at the wrong time or knew quite well the risks they were taking and took them anyway. Either way they it's never bother me despite the rather impressive social stigma it tends to carry. Except I'm attracted to this one in a way that's similar to how I was attracted to Paden, which is to say I want to fuck him a dozen ways til Sunday. So this information gave me pause(that pun only really works when spoken, and it's not really funny anyway but it's the best I can do right now). I'm not sure yet how I'm going to approach this and it's quite possible that it's just a non-issue as he broke up with his boyfriend of a year and a half less than a week ago. Irregardless, some input or insight on this issue would be much appreciated.