Friendships
So... Bel emailed me the other day.
For those of you who knew me as Alariya, this may have been as surprising to you as it was to me. Welcome. But surprising. So we are going to get together sometime this millennia (probably) for coffee, (in my case) cigarettes, and a chat. I'm looking forward to that. The end of our friendship was horrifically messy; so maybe, you know, it will at the very least get cleaned up... and at the best? We might find we still like each other enough to want to keep up some form of friendshippyness.
We'll see.
~~~~~~~
It's almost been one full year since I broke up with Kevin, my former (and second) fiancé. I find that... weird, you know? I didn't realize, for one thing, that it had been almost a year. I don't regret breaking up with him... I don't really regret having the relationship, because I learned some things, but for goodness sakes, I could totally use learning things in a less traumatizing way for once.
Though, you know, I'm doubting the stick-a-bility of things learned the "easy" way.
The Mike and Lily portion of my love life has been over since March... And I have been off my psych meds for about two... three? months now. I'm doing okay. You do remember, those of you who would, that I didn't actually need the psych meds that badly until I started dating the both of them? So I'd like to place the majority of the blame on Mike for that, as there are at least two instances I can easily and readily bring to mind of him pushing me purposefully off my balance, but things with Lily weren't that healthy either. And though I still miss her, and him every now and again too when I'm feeling especially lonely, I think those are two people that I really should remember what I learned from them and leave a deadened relationship at that. In the grave. After all, necrophilia is considered rather gauche these days, is it not?
~~~~~~~
I am currently working a third shift position (which I love) at a job 36 miles (ew) away from my house in Athens. I haven't decided if I like Athens yet, but then, in a paradox those close to me just can't seem to understand, while I am perfectly happy walking up to random strangers and complimenting them on their eyes/hair/outfit/younameit, being brave enough to go to a completely new bar where I will be surrounded by completely new people and actually striking up a conversation in the hopes of making a friend/friendly acquaintance is not really my forte. So I have been sitting at home reading/sleeping a lot lately... and I am bored.
Really, I should get to know the city a little better before I decide that I don't like it... and I did not like Kennesaw (blame the college for that. And don't go to KSU - it sucks - not in the happy sexual way either) I at least knew where everything was. My friends are all down there (obviously - when you move, you can't just up and pack your friends into your suitcases. Some nonsense about the need for fresh air and them having their own life or some such blather...). And I'm being a wus about going out and making my own friends here. Gar.
~~~~~~~
I am still in the midst of an existential crises... since my parents decided to stop talking to me (I expressed to them my memories concerning one known instance of sexual abuse and a few suspicions of both grandfathers; both known and suspected instances of any sort of sexual abuse by either of foresaid gentlemen being vehemently denied by both mother and father after they confronted the grandfathers concerning instances ending in both mother and father refusing to have any more than written contact with me unless I said I was lying. Which, as far as I know, I am not and thus cannot say.) I find myself refusing to believe in the God that my father believes in. Mainly 'cause I think that God is a jerk.
So I find myself searching to find my definition of God, or what I define as God... or simply what I can, in good conscious, believe in. If I have children, I will raise them to believe in the Creator, because there is more magic in that universe than in the universe of science, and I want to give them and their (hereto nonexistent) selves every advantage in believing and faith as possible while they are still young enough to appreciate it... but myself, while I believe in the Creator (or A Creator, singular), I don't know that I believe in the Judeo-Christian God... for a child that was raised in a Judeo-Christian home and taught in that mode for the entirety of 18 years, it is a bold thing to say you don't believe in God, in THE God.
You know though? My theory is, if I am wrong, and the Judeo-Christian God is the ONLY God, and he is exactly like what my father has taught me God is like, I am truly lost - but I can't, at this point, find it in me to worship that God anyway. If I am wrong, and the Judeo-Christian God is the ONLY God, and he is kinda like what I thought he might have been like before my faith was shaken, then he's the sort of Father that takes back errant children. So I won't have the biggest suite in heaven - I'm not angling for that anyway - but I will still be there. If I am right, and the sort of God that church teaches you about it just the parts of him they want to use to make you feel badly enough to manipulate you into certain behaviors, then that means that the real God (yes, I am assuming there is one) can be found. And trusted. That part's important.
Still, it's weird for me to find myself actually questioning/thinking about things.
~~~~~~~
I would like to officially apologize for letting my friendships with you all lapse while I was in hiatus from LJ. Hopefully, we can pick things up again and remain chummy. I have missed you.
For those of you who knew me as Alariya, this may have been as surprising to you as it was to me. Welcome. But surprising. So we are going to get together sometime this millennia (probably) for coffee, (in my case) cigarettes, and a chat. I'm looking forward to that. The end of our friendship was horrifically messy; so maybe, you know, it will at the very least get cleaned up... and at the best? We might find we still like each other enough to want to keep up some form of friendshippyness.
We'll see.
~~~~~~~
It's almost been one full year since I broke up with Kevin, my former (and second) fiancé. I find that... weird, you know? I didn't realize, for one thing, that it had been almost a year. I don't regret breaking up with him... I don't really regret having the relationship, because I learned some things, but for goodness sakes, I could totally use learning things in a less traumatizing way for once.
Though, you know, I'm doubting the stick-a-bility of things learned the "easy" way.
The Mike and Lily portion of my love life has been over since March... And I have been off my psych meds for about two... three? months now. I'm doing okay. You do remember, those of you who would, that I didn't actually need the psych meds that badly until I started dating the both of them? So I'd like to place the majority of the blame on Mike for that, as there are at least two instances I can easily and readily bring to mind of him pushing me purposefully off my balance, but things with Lily weren't that healthy either. And though I still miss her, and him every now and again too when I'm feeling especially lonely, I think those are two people that I really should remember what I learned from them and leave a deadened relationship at that. In the grave. After all, necrophilia is considered rather gauche these days, is it not?
~~~~~~~
I am currently working a third shift position (which I love) at a job 36 miles (ew) away from my house in Athens. I haven't decided if I like Athens yet, but then, in a paradox those close to me just can't seem to understand, while I am perfectly happy walking up to random strangers and complimenting them on their eyes/hair/outfit/younameit, being brave enough to go to a completely new bar where I will be surrounded by completely new people and actually striking up a conversation in the hopes of making a friend/friendly acquaintance is not really my forte. So I have been sitting at home reading/sleeping a lot lately... and I am bored.
Really, I should get to know the city a little better before I decide that I don't like it... and I did not like Kennesaw (blame the college for that. And don't go to KSU - it sucks - not in the happy sexual way either) I at least knew where everything was. My friends are all down there (obviously - when you move, you can't just up and pack your friends into your suitcases. Some nonsense about the need for fresh air and them having their own life or some such blather...). And I'm being a wus about going out and making my own friends here. Gar.
~~~~~~~
I am still in the midst of an existential crises... since my parents decided to stop talking to me (I expressed to them my memories concerning one known instance of sexual abuse and a few suspicions of both grandfathers; both known and suspected instances of any sort of sexual abuse by either of foresaid gentlemen being vehemently denied by both mother and father after they confronted the grandfathers concerning instances ending in both mother and father refusing to have any more than written contact with me unless I said I was lying. Which, as far as I know, I am not and thus cannot say.) I find myself refusing to believe in the God that my father believes in. Mainly 'cause I think that God is a jerk.
So I find myself searching to find my definition of God, or what I define as God... or simply what I can, in good conscious, believe in. If I have children, I will raise them to believe in the Creator, because there is more magic in that universe than in the universe of science, and I want to give them and their (hereto nonexistent) selves every advantage in believing and faith as possible while they are still young enough to appreciate it... but myself, while I believe in the Creator (or A Creator, singular), I don't know that I believe in the Judeo-Christian God... for a child that was raised in a Judeo-Christian home and taught in that mode for the entirety of 18 years, it is a bold thing to say you don't believe in God, in THE God.
You know though? My theory is, if I am wrong, and the Judeo-Christian God is the ONLY God, and he is exactly like what my father has taught me God is like, I am truly lost - but I can't, at this point, find it in me to worship that God anyway. If I am wrong, and the Judeo-Christian God is the ONLY God, and he is kinda like what I thought he might have been like before my faith was shaken, then he's the sort of Father that takes back errant children. So I won't have the biggest suite in heaven - I'm not angling for that anyway - but I will still be there. If I am right, and the sort of God that church teaches you about it just the parts of him they want to use to make you feel badly enough to manipulate you into certain behaviors, then that means that the real God (yes, I am assuming there is one) can be found. And trusted. That part's important.
Still, it's weird for me to find myself actually questioning/thinking about things.
~~~~~~~
I would like to officially apologize for letting my friendships with you all lapse while I was in hiatus from LJ. Hopefully, we can pick things up again and remain chummy. I have missed you.