I guess friendships really die...
I had lunch with a really old friend of mine.
Back when I first met her, I was caught up in her energy and naively believed she could do no wrong. She lit up a room when she entered it. She was an unbelievably energetic, creative, spontaneous, and loving person. She helped me to become more outgoing. She taught me how to grab attention. I watched and learned. And I fell into it. She used me. And I let her. For a while I didn't realize I was being used. In me, she had a compleatly loyal friend who would always agree with her (at least for the first few years, when I was still under her spell) But once I figured it out, I continued to allow it just for the "pleasure" of her company. Ugh. This was all during a time where I was coming out of my shell more and more. I think she realized that at some point along the path I had started to follow, I would come to realize that my relationship to her was unhealthy. I was dependant upon her for my happyness. That wasn't healthy. And she was more selfish than I had thought possible.
There were (and I'm sure still are) many wonderful qualities in this person, but she has decided that her worth as a person is dependant on the number of guys hanging on her every word. It was sickning to watch. Her self-esteem is so fragile she can not bear any constructive criticism. I am a loyal friend. I do not give up easily. Especially not on someone who was my closest friend at one very pivotal point in my life. This whole process has been unbelievably difficault.
So I finally decided that I was unwilling to be friends with a person who consistantly ignored me when in the presence of males, filled every conversation with not-so-subtle hints for compliments and was so wrapped up in herself she didn't notice when I was in pain and needed help.
So I let her go. gently. I just stopped trying. If she wanted to fight for our friendship, she could. But I was done.
I am very proud of myself for this. However, it has been really hard to make the transition to not-friends (especially without a blow-out fight, or something spectacular like that).
Every time I have seen her since I made this decision, it has been strange. Consistantly, when I would see her in a group, I would be overcome with disgust and remember why I made the decision to stop seeing her. But, when I saw her alone, I would be caught up in waves of nostalgia and remember why I had become friends with her in the first place. Needless to say it was confusing.
I guess things have changed.
I had lunch with her. Just her. And I felt nothing. No disgust. No nostalgia. Nothing.
I just sat there while she chatted on about her love life. Not once did she ask me about what my life has been like recently. And for once, I was not furious at her for that. I find it interesting that I didn't even feel the need to butt in to tell her about the one thing she would have loved to talk about regarding my life. I figured out that she is not a part of my life anymore. I think I have finally distanced myself from her to the point where she doesn't have that hold over me anymore. I wish the best for her. I hope that at some point she will feel secure enough to be able to work out her problems. I hope that at some point she will be able to have a strong, equal friendship with another female. But now, she is a different person, and I am a different person, and I am not willing to be used. The friendship we had is dead.
Back when I first met her, I was caught up in her energy and naively believed she could do no wrong. She lit up a room when she entered it. She was an unbelievably energetic, creative, spontaneous, and loving person. She helped me to become more outgoing. She taught me how to grab attention. I watched and learned. And I fell into it. She used me. And I let her. For a while I didn't realize I was being used. In me, she had a compleatly loyal friend who would always agree with her (at least for the first few years, when I was still under her spell) But once I figured it out, I continued to allow it just for the "pleasure" of her company. Ugh. This was all during a time where I was coming out of my shell more and more. I think she realized that at some point along the path I had started to follow, I would come to realize that my relationship to her was unhealthy. I was dependant upon her for my happyness. That wasn't healthy. And she was more selfish than I had thought possible.
There were (and I'm sure still are) many wonderful qualities in this person, but she has decided that her worth as a person is dependant on the number of guys hanging on her every word. It was sickning to watch. Her self-esteem is so fragile she can not bear any constructive criticism. I am a loyal friend. I do not give up easily. Especially not on someone who was my closest friend at one very pivotal point in my life. This whole process has been unbelievably difficault.
So I finally decided that I was unwilling to be friends with a person who consistantly ignored me when in the presence of males, filled every conversation with not-so-subtle hints for compliments and was so wrapped up in herself she didn't notice when I was in pain and needed help.
So I let her go. gently. I just stopped trying. If she wanted to fight for our friendship, she could. But I was done.
I am very proud of myself for this. However, it has been really hard to make the transition to not-friends (especially without a blow-out fight, or something spectacular like that).
Every time I have seen her since I made this decision, it has been strange. Consistantly, when I would see her in a group, I would be overcome with disgust and remember why I made the decision to stop seeing her. But, when I saw her alone, I would be caught up in waves of nostalgia and remember why I had become friends with her in the first place. Needless to say it was confusing.
I guess things have changed.
I had lunch with her. Just her. And I felt nothing. No disgust. No nostalgia. Nothing.
I just sat there while she chatted on about her love life. Not once did she ask me about what my life has been like recently. And for once, I was not furious at her for that. I find it interesting that I didn't even feel the need to butt in to tell her about the one thing she would have loved to talk about regarding my life. I figured out that she is not a part of my life anymore. I think I have finally distanced myself from her to the point where she doesn't have that hold over me anymore. I wish the best for her. I hope that at some point she will feel secure enough to be able to work out her problems. I hope that at some point she will be able to have a strong, equal friendship with another female. But now, she is a different person, and I am a different person, and I am not willing to be used. The friendship we had is dead.