Big Mouth Strikes Again
Recently I have managed to have several online and real-life associations implode. I could sit here and blame it on Mercury in Retrograde or something else but I really can only blame myself for some of my recent interpersonal relationship FAIL. Although, I regret that things came to such an emotional explosive head I find myself almost thankful because it made me realize something I hadn't really noticed until now. I've been spending far too much time being envious and upset about the things I see others have that I have lost all sense of perspective on the things I do have. As I said to someone today, I need to start focusing on the things I do have rather than the things I don’t and focus on the things I can control rather than obsessing over the things I cannot control.
When I was in therapy this issue of emotional jealousy never really arose. My frustrations about my romantic relationships and at times my interpersonal relationships with others came up. I have come to realize that since my marriage ended I have been especially sensitive to rejection. I have had a very negative attitude when it comes to finding affection, dating relationships, and love. I have felt as though I am being punished for my negative behavior and hurt I caused my ex-spouse. I have stated repeatedly that I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life that I will never find love again or have a relationship (almost like a mantra). I have no optimism because how things have been since the marriage ended. Add in my relationship with my father (i.e. daddy issues) and it is a nasty mix of constant rejection, feeling unloved, and just flat out not good enough for anyone. I have felt as though my negative view points have been reinforced. I have been waiting for a positive experience to give me a glimmer of hope but I’m still constantly disappointed. *sigh* I have gotten myself so wrapped up in how crappy this makes me feel that I have started to find myself intolerant of others who certain things in their lives while I don’t.
It doesn’t make sense, it isn’t logically, and it certainly isn’t fair to those who have done nothing to me to deserve my verbal and emotional lashings.
So yeah, I opened my big mouth and said things while in the corner licking my emotional wounds that were not deserved. I want to piss, whine, and moan and throw a pity party but then when someone does show some empathy I treated them like shit. I don’t think it starts out to be a personal attack but more of me just hurting and lashing out at whomever just happens to catch me while having a “moment.” Generally speaking, I don’t think I’m a bad person nor do I don’t think I treat my friends like shit.
The whole experience has made me realize I have a lot more to work on and I have to figure out how to not let things to get me so bad. Am I sending hate mail to Bill Gates because he has billions of dollars-no. Am I walking up to random strangers all happy in love in public and throwing poo at them-no. Then I shouldn’t be treating the people who I’m suppose to actually care about like shit just because they are happy or have things I wish I had. Envy really is a powerful and harmful emotion.
So yeah, I suppose I deserve to be a social pariah right now. And for what little it might be worth, I do regret lashing out at certain people. It just goes to show that I have more work to do and things to figure out about myself and how to deal with those things better.