(no subject)
Hey! Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays everyone. Well, it has been a very long time since I’ve written anything here, I think. I’m Alanna, nice to meet you. So things have been alright I suppose. I don’t know, I hate the fact that I am not ecstatic right now, because I guess I’m sort of starting to think if I’m not ecstatic now, I probably won’t be, ever. Binghamton isn’t terrible, but I get this feeling now and then that I’m just spiraling out of control, if that makes sense. I keep making stupid decisions, one after the other, and I just feel like I have terrible judgments of myself and of other people, and I guess I felt like everyone else-- that wow college, great, I can reinvent myself, or something. But I have a terrible idea of who I think I want to be.. what I want to be perceived as, and I’m not even sure if I have any idea of who I want to “be.” My GPA this first semester was pretty good, I’m satisfied, but I struggled a lot, and don’t feel like I’ve “gained” something, or anything, now that those classes I took are finished. Meh, I don’t like what Binghamton has done to me. I don’t know if this is especially at Binghamton, or across the country, but there is so much focus on becoming a doctor or a scientist or an INVESTMENT BANKER, whatever that is, or an engineer, or something very specific like that, that I feel so lost since I can’t fit myself into one of those positions. My sister, for example, majored in art history, and majoring in a rather generic liberal arts subject like that was encouraged at her college, but I feel that if I wanted to major in that (not that I do, but I’m just using that as an example), that people would look at me like I’m crazy. Argh, I’m making terrible decisions, and I think I’m slowly turning into a person I would make fun of and hate. I’m dressing like an idiot, speaking like an idiot, balahfsdhfds. I feel like I keep doing things, and people keep laughing at me. This sounds totally paranoid and egotistical? I suppose, but I really do feel that the people around me are constantly laughing at me. I don’t know, somehow that feels like an accurate assessment. Wutev. Cmonnn call me, let’s do something over break. :) thank you for reading my online whining.