I've had enough of these chains...
I don't mean to sound depressed... but if I can't vent in this thing I don't know where else to do it.
I guess sometimes I just wonder what I've been living for. Not in the sense that I'm suicidal or anything crazy like that... but where are my priorites. I just don't see where I fit in life. I don't get my place. Exciting new things are happening to everyone around me and I feel like I haven't moved in years. "What's new" gets me upset because I have nothing to say. All I do is work and spend my money on makeup sweatpants and food, and dance. I ignore school which is gonna bite me in the ass soon (midterms mayhaps?) I just sabotage everything. Everybody's getting accepted to college and I haven't applied. I know its my fault, and I know it sounds crazy but I dont know how to fix it. I cannot force myself to take care of things that are important. And I don't know... sometimes I even feel like I'm missing out on high school. It's not that I don't have friends, but I hardly see them. I feel out of place where ever I am. And I'm just so goddamn lonely. I'm lonely and I'm embarrassed about being lonely and I hate myself for it sometimes. And the worse I feel the worse I get. It's a cycle and I don't want to go back to sophmore year. I want that behind me but I just feel like I'm slipping into the same pattern and then I get more and more mad at myself. I don't want to reach rock bottom before I can pick myself up this time. I have no right to be upset, anything I deem wrong with my life is my own fault. I just sabotage everything. How the hell am I gonna live by myself next year? God, if I feel lonely now, what is gonna happen when I leave?
I think once I get all my apps in I feel a lot better... but right now I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I know theres plenty of people out there to talk to, but I just don't want to rain on everyone's parade all the time. I don't want a pity party. I guess I just need to feel like theres someone holding my hand through it all. But I never let anyone in, because I don't want to be someone's responsibility. Everyone's all happy for christmas and I just feel shitty all the time, inadequate in every way. I know its not true, and I'm not looking for pity... but it's just how I feel. I just want to feel like a kid again, when it didn't even matter that you couldn't color in the lines. When happiness was recess and swings and playdates. Even just for a minute.
I'll be fine... don't let this get you all worried - if anyone even reads it.
I just needed some venting.
I wouldn't mind a little love though.
all my love<33
allie.
I guess sometimes I just wonder what I've been living for. Not in the sense that I'm suicidal or anything crazy like that... but where are my priorites. I just don't see where I fit in life. I don't get my place. Exciting new things are happening to everyone around me and I feel like I haven't moved in years. "What's new" gets me upset because I have nothing to say. All I do is work and spend my money on makeup sweatpants and food, and dance. I ignore school which is gonna bite me in the ass soon (midterms mayhaps?) I just sabotage everything. Everybody's getting accepted to college and I haven't applied. I know its my fault, and I know it sounds crazy but I dont know how to fix it. I cannot force myself to take care of things that are important. And I don't know... sometimes I even feel like I'm missing out on high school. It's not that I don't have friends, but I hardly see them. I feel out of place where ever I am. And I'm just so goddamn lonely. I'm lonely and I'm embarrassed about being lonely and I hate myself for it sometimes. And the worse I feel the worse I get. It's a cycle and I don't want to go back to sophmore year. I want that behind me but I just feel like I'm slipping into the same pattern and then I get more and more mad at myself. I don't want to reach rock bottom before I can pick myself up this time. I have no right to be upset, anything I deem wrong with my life is my own fault. I just sabotage everything. How the hell am I gonna live by myself next year? God, if I feel lonely now, what is gonna happen when I leave?
I think once I get all my apps in I feel a lot better... but right now I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I know theres plenty of people out there to talk to, but I just don't want to rain on everyone's parade all the time. I don't want a pity party. I guess I just need to feel like theres someone holding my hand through it all. But I never let anyone in, because I don't want to be someone's responsibility. Everyone's all happy for christmas and I just feel shitty all the time, inadequate in every way. I know its not true, and I'm not looking for pity... but it's just how I feel. I just want to feel like a kid again, when it didn't even matter that you couldn't color in the lines. When happiness was recess and swings and playdates. Even just for a minute.
I'll be fine... don't let this get you all worried - if anyone even reads it.
I just needed some venting.
I wouldn't mind a little love though.
all my love<33
allie.