Another year, another number
Lately I've had more and more pent up anger so I'm going to vent and analyze my life here.
Everyday is a constant battle to keep monster/mean me at bay.
For example... I called my boyfriend a retard mutliple times. I jokingly told his brother he was the worst of all their moms kids. I also wasn't the kindest to my mom. Of all people she pisses me off the most. Shes dying in the literal sense but chooses to be ignorant and not actually take care of her self. Then she sits there and claims lifes not fair, why me. I really should be more empathetic but I just can't bring myself to do it.
Things my beaumate did that was pleasant. Whenever I was being mean he said he loves me too. (Which my mom did when I was a kid so it was kind of annoying, but still sweet) He reluctantly did the dishes I asked him to do... but he did do them which is HUGE progress. When we came home he half ass kissed me but still kissed me. Was excited to tell me about his day at the golf... the sharing part was nice, not so much the everything being about him. Other than that I didn't really see him all day so Ill leave it at that.
Today marks my social experiment on whether or not I can salvage this relationship. He seems all hunky dory but I'm still on the fence about leaving him.
I honestly blame mostly myself. Drunk me has been extremely abusing both physically and mentally. And as I said I'm not the nicest of people either. Passion/romance/consideration is non existant and my hypothesis is that its because of my being "abrasive." I'm a hard person to love and he hasn't even tried to leave once. I plan on talking to a couple of his exes to get another perspective as well.
Okay so..
My assumtion:
His not being passionate/loving/considerate makes me feel ugly and thus I act ugly which makes me scary which scares him from opening up and doing those things. #viciouscycle
My solution;
-Write out my aggressions here.
-Workout A LOT. I want to get into bikini bodybuilding. More so for the social friends I need and not the drunk bafoons I love.
- DONT push him away and threaten to leave him and /or sleep with other people ( which i do way too often, fml)
- Calm the fuck down. Relax. Start my day with affirmations,things I love, and coffee.
- Pour my frustration into fixing things around the house.
- Explain/point out to the beumate things that upset me in a calm and less lash out way.
I'm sure I'll come up with more. Its only been about a week since I was a full on monster so I'm not expecting any results right away. I'm giving this experiment until August 7th. This will mark 3 years since I first messaged him. If I can't fix us by then then it is time to move on.
Ill be back when I awake to come up with some affirmations. Thank you Lj for my free therapy :)
Everyday is a constant battle to keep monster/mean me at bay.
For example... I called my boyfriend a retard mutliple times. I jokingly told his brother he was the worst of all their moms kids. I also wasn't the kindest to my mom. Of all people she pisses me off the most. Shes dying in the literal sense but chooses to be ignorant and not actually take care of her self. Then she sits there and claims lifes not fair, why me. I really should be more empathetic but I just can't bring myself to do it.
Things my beaumate did that was pleasant. Whenever I was being mean he said he loves me too. (Which my mom did when I was a kid so it was kind of annoying, but still sweet) He reluctantly did the dishes I asked him to do... but he did do them which is HUGE progress. When we came home he half ass kissed me but still kissed me. Was excited to tell me about his day at the golf... the sharing part was nice, not so much the everything being about him. Other than that I didn't really see him all day so Ill leave it at that.
Today marks my social experiment on whether or not I can salvage this relationship. He seems all hunky dory but I'm still on the fence about leaving him.
I honestly blame mostly myself. Drunk me has been extremely abusing both physically and mentally. And as I said I'm not the nicest of people either. Passion/romance/consideration is non existant and my hypothesis is that its because of my being "abrasive." I'm a hard person to love and he hasn't even tried to leave once. I plan on talking to a couple of his exes to get another perspective as well.
Okay so..
My assumtion:
His not being passionate/loving/considerate makes me feel ugly and thus I act ugly which makes me scary which scares him from opening up and doing those things. #viciouscycle
My solution;
-Write out my aggressions here.
-Workout A LOT. I want to get into bikini bodybuilding. More so for the social friends I need and not the drunk bafoons I love.
- DONT push him away and threaten to leave him and /or sleep with other people ( which i do way too often, fml)
- Calm the fuck down. Relax. Start my day with affirmations,things I love, and coffee.
- Pour my frustration into fixing things around the house.
- Explain/point out to the beumate things that upset me in a calm and less lash out way.
I'm sure I'll come up with more. Its only been about a week since I was a full on monster so I'm not expecting any results right away. I'm giving this experiment until August 7th. This will mark 3 years since I first messaged him. If I can't fix us by then then it is time to move on.
Ill be back when I awake to come up with some affirmations. Thank you Lj for my free therapy :)