(no subject)
Sorta touching up on a subject I dabbled in a couple days ago, regarding this new job and how it can't change the situation. It's been haunting me as of late, as well as others things are starting to affect me. I find it's going to be quite difficult with this new job coming into my life. Sure, it's not as good as my HM job yet the fact I have that ability to almost start anew and even the possibility of a apartment now is sorta getting to me.
It's like everyone has been saying to me lately, like someone is playing a cruel joke on us considering the timing of it all as it was barely a week that this job opportunity came up when we muturally agreed it'd be best for us to get a divorce. Yet, I can't keep thinking about why we couldn't do what we were hoping to do. Quickly pay off the remaining bills then see where it goes on our own once again. Though, in her situation she fears that I won't change and she'll have to deal with the heartbreak once and for all without a future to fix it...I just guess I'm hurting a lot as of late that I'm freaking out cause all of these things are hitting me hard.
I know I keep repeating myself over and over but I'm at the point where I don't know what I'm going to do without her in my life, or hopefully not without her for a year or so? I miss being able to hold her, give her kisses and just spoil her...Is it cruel of me to hopefully wish upon all that on thursday? I fear it may not work out that way, and she'll keep her distance for a smart reason. I keep hitting myself over and over for it yet I can't stand the way we ended the last few days til our decision. It just constantly has been nagging to me in my mind that she was annoyed/mad or whatever at me and I never got my last comfort from her. Of course, it shouldn't actually even work like that but I just want things to go that way for me for once, a simple request as you can say. I don't ask for a lot, and I feel this is one time I ask for something as I feel as big as this.
Whatever, I'll just have to hold it together til then...been really pissed as of late, not at her just at everything else that has happened, mostly at myself and others. I swear, it's been easier being mopey then pissed as it directly effects my emotions and attitude towards people.
It's like everyone has been saying to me lately, like someone is playing a cruel joke on us considering the timing of it all as it was barely a week that this job opportunity came up when we muturally agreed it'd be best for us to get a divorce. Yet, I can't keep thinking about why we couldn't do what we were hoping to do. Quickly pay off the remaining bills then see where it goes on our own once again. Though, in her situation she fears that I won't change and she'll have to deal with the heartbreak once and for all without a future to fix it...I just guess I'm hurting a lot as of late that I'm freaking out cause all of these things are hitting me hard.
I know I keep repeating myself over and over but I'm at the point where I don't know what I'm going to do without her in my life, or hopefully not without her for a year or so? I miss being able to hold her, give her kisses and just spoil her...Is it cruel of me to hopefully wish upon all that on thursday? I fear it may not work out that way, and she'll keep her distance for a smart reason. I keep hitting myself over and over for it yet I can't stand the way we ended the last few days til our decision. It just constantly has been nagging to me in my mind that she was annoyed/mad or whatever at me and I never got my last comfort from her. Of course, it shouldn't actually even work like that but I just want things to go that way for me for once, a simple request as you can say. I don't ask for a lot, and I feel this is one time I ask for something as I feel as big as this.
Whatever, I'll just have to hold it together til then...been really pissed as of late, not at her just at everything else that has happened, mostly at myself and others. I swear, it's been easier being mopey then pissed as it directly effects my emotions and attitude towards people.