LOL livejournal, WHAT?
LOL sooooo I haven't been on here in months. :) Therefore i'm just going to post a few of my latest facebook notes, beacause that's a lot easer to do.
Speaking of FB. I was reading a little on my friends's page thing on here, and was so amazed that i couldin't just "like" someone's post. I'd actually have to go through the effort of loading a post to comment on it. WHAT'S THIS NONSENSE? Well, onto my anual updates- these will be a mixture of poems and rants:
*******
"Not Supposed To Happen" -5/6/2010
What's this?
This is not how it's supposed to be.
Not here-
Not now-
Not ever-
This isn't supposed to happen.
I see you cry and I break into pieces.
I want to hold you and make it alright.
And that's when I realize:
I love you more than I thought I could,
I love you more than I thought I would...
We were going to be friends forever.
We were going to take on the world.
Always there for each other,
Always a shoulder to cry on,
Always a smile to depend on.
I never meant to fall,
I never meant to lose control.
It's not supposed to go like this,
Not you-
Not me-
Not us-
This isn't supposed to happen...
I see you cry and I break into pieces.
I want to hold you and make it alright.
And that's when I realize:
I love you more than I ever could,
I love you more than I ever should...
**********************************
May 6th, 2010
So, life is moving in fastforward and I can't figure out how to click the "play" button to get it going the right speed again. Everything is just going by, and I'm drifting along somewhere or another. Aladdin is over, and now I have a little more free time, but then again I don't..There's so much to do to get ready for graduation, next month, then freaking college. I'm getting more and more lost as the days fly by. It's only when I stop and think for a bit that i realize how much time has passed since the last time I stopped and thought the same things.
I love staying busy, because sitting around gives me TOO much time to think- like right now. I need a break, I know that much. I need a nice few days to sleep in 'till who knows when, sit around the house, then sleep some more. Just a day or two as a little refresher. But there's so many people to try and see, work to do, this to get ready, that to try to do. It's insane.
That's another thing, I hate how much I complain about shit. It's so bad, that I'm complaining about complaining. WTF. Seriously, this needs to stop. Then again, it's a nice little way to work out the things that float around and around and around in my head all day every day.
And now getting back to the fastforwardness, I feel so out of eberything that I used to be right in the middle of. I don't know what's going on with anyone, let alone myself, and I don't like it. I think today is the first time in WEEKS that I've been able to sit on the computer and do absolutely nothing but talk to people, and I'm not really even doing that because for whatever reason I can't seem to hold a conversation anymore. I miss talking about nothing, yet talking for hour on end until you realize how much time has passed and you really should sleep. I miss laughing until it hurts. I miss being able to actually TALK to people for more that 2 minute intervals at a time when something pops into my head.
((There is no structural purpose to these spaces, I just don't like hurting my own eyes with huge blocks of text. I need paragraph breaks to take a break at LOL))
Also, I'm tired of being so unstable. It's getting bad. I'll be fine and laughing my ass off one minute, then feeling like crying in the corner away from everyone the next. It's not good, and frankly it's making me think I have a disorder or something like that, 'cause it didn't used to be this bad. I don't think it's depression, unless I never got over that way back when and just have had it for years and year and years...? Yeah, no. I dunno. Maybe it's just who I am and I'll have to learn to deal with it.
I THINK, I really need to stop focusing on a few things in particular. I'm sure noah and maybe jamie can guess what those "few things" are, and I don't feel like going into them right now. See other notes or ask me later if you're genuinely concerned. It's not like I haven't tried to, actually i try to everyday. It's just not as simple as I wish it were. And even if I get them to go away for a while, it's not long before they're all back in my mind again. I hate the repetativeness because I know it's ridiculous and I hate pestering other people for help with them. 'cause it's the same. ALWAYS.
I thank you few that I actually do come to to just ramble on about this, that, or another. Despite how often I come to you, it's really not easy for me to do so. I hate talking about them. I've always been the kind of person that would rather keep it to theirself and see if it goes away. And it's really a big deal the first time I talk to someone about them- no matter how big or little the thing is. Because honestly, there are only 2 people that I would tell ANYTHING to, then maybe 4 or 5 people across the world (including the other 2) that I would tell mostly anything to. It's only those numbers because I do have such amazing people as my friends, I've been lucky enough to find a few that I'd seriously trust with my life.
All I DO know is that i want this to stop. i hate being worried aboutt he future, because i'd much rather just beable to say"bring it on" and see what happens. But then i'll think about my parents, and even though i know that really it does not matter what they think, it's my life and i have to live it my way. I'm just at that point where i finally have to figure out how to let go and deal with their opinions and the stupid things that they say. I've realized that nothing is ever going to be good enough for them, and they're always going to find something to talk bad about. About how much they disapprove or some shit like that. I mean seriously? Shut up and deal with your own lives. Does it really matter that you don't approve, and that you would never do that? No. So stop worrying about stupid shit that's only making you into grumpy old people that I'm afraid of, and focus on yourselves and making your lives better. Please. Oh it's going to be an adventure...
Okay, I'm done for the day. I'm sure I could think of more things to talk about, but that would require actually going into detail on a few of the things that i've chosen only to glance over in the above. I think I reall y just love typing, and the speed at which i've reached. I dunno. i took two college-like exams in the past two days. Calculus and then Literature today. My brain is fried LOL. Time to go do somethin else for a while. How're you?
*************************************************
April 19, 2010
I've been thinking it all the time for the past few days. And not just YOU. But you and you and you. And one of you isn't dead. I just really miss you...Sorry, but I can't help it.
Three of you left too soon, two of you could have prevented it. One of you two needed to have made an effort a long time ago. The last of you three...I don't even have words for it.
Uncle Billy, it's been a few years now, and I still miss you so much. And I can remember that day like it was yesterday. Whenever I think it through, I can't help but cry. Why the fuck didn't you say anything? We could have helped you. I hate hating you for what you did, because you weren't the only one hurting after grandpa passed. But it's like you didn't even try...I miss your jokes, your smiles, your laugh, and how you were the one that made us all feel better when we were down.
Aunt Lois, you fought so hard for so long. At least for the last while. Yes, you needed to try to quit smoking a whole lot sooner than you did- BEFORE it was too late. And I know that it's an addiction, but it's not like we didn't try to help you... I miss you. I miss your cooking. I miss your smile. I miss how you were always so nice to everyone, all the time.
You. What the hell did you ever do to deserve what happened to you? Nothing. You were so kind and had such a great life going. I never got to meet you in person, and I know that I'm not in position to miss you as much as others, but I still do. I miss talking to you, and I miss hearing about your job.
And last but not least, you. Gahhhhhh, I can't help but miss you and think about you all the time. I know it's not forever, but I'm not liking the "now" at all. It's hard to wait for the "then," but I guess I'll have to. Because I know that it's not forever, and I can hang in there for a while longer. But, I still miss you.
I really hope that, where ever the four of you are, you're doing amazing. I know that I'll see you all again, sometime or another. Until then, I'll be missing you. <3
******************************
"Above All"
April 7, 2010 ((MY BIRTHDAY!))
Did you know that,
Without you,
I would be lost?
Did you know that,
Above all,
I owe you everything?
No words exist,
That could express,
What you mean to me.
When I was down,
In a deep, dark place,
Lost-
Confused-
Hurt-
Hopeless…
You found me.
You held me.
You gave me strength
To push off the ground.
You gave me purpose,
To live again.
When I'd slip:
You were there.
When I flew:
You were there.
My life before?
My life now?
I'd never go back.
I'd never give up.
No matter how far
You are from me,
No matter how long
You are gone away:
You're always here-
In my heart,
In my mind,
You've never gone.
Did you know that,
Without you,
I would be lost?
Did you know that,
above all,
I owe you my life?
************************
"All I ask" -March 29, 2010
Twisted,
Torn,
Pulled apart in so many directions.
No way to go,
Too many choices,
But all with no end.
One shore calls my name,
My heart aches for it.
To be held-
To hold-
To kiss-
To just sit...
The other shore holds strong,
Tightens it's grasp-
Claws at my heart-
Chains down my feet.
Falling down,
Tired of climbing back up.
I'm here-
But you don't seem to see me.
What do I have to do?
Jump up and down,
Scream at the top of my lungs?
What?
'Cause frankly,
I'm tired of trying.
Are you annoyed?
Are you scared?
Do you care?
Love me?
Hate me?
I don't care!
Just don't ignore me-
The one thing I can't stand.
Stop avoiding,
Talk to me,
A few words,
That's all I ask.
********************************
That'll be all~
Speaking of FB. I was reading a little on my friends's page thing on here, and was so amazed that i couldin't just "like" someone's post. I'd actually have to go through the effort of loading a post to comment on it. WHAT'S THIS NONSENSE? Well, onto my anual updates- these will be a mixture of poems and rants:
*******
"Not Supposed To Happen" -5/6/2010
What's this?
This is not how it's supposed to be.
Not here-
Not now-
Not ever-
This isn't supposed to happen.
I see you cry and I break into pieces.
I want to hold you and make it alright.
And that's when I realize:
I love you more than I thought I could,
I love you more than I thought I would...
We were going to be friends forever.
We were going to take on the world.
Always there for each other,
Always a shoulder to cry on,
Always a smile to depend on.
I never meant to fall,
I never meant to lose control.
It's not supposed to go like this,
Not you-
Not me-
Not us-
This isn't supposed to happen...
I see you cry and I break into pieces.
I want to hold you and make it alright.
And that's when I realize:
I love you more than I ever could,
I love you more than I ever should...
**********************************
May 6th, 2010
So, life is moving in fastforward and I can't figure out how to click the "play" button to get it going the right speed again. Everything is just going by, and I'm drifting along somewhere or another. Aladdin is over, and now I have a little more free time, but then again I don't..There's so much to do to get ready for graduation, next month, then freaking college. I'm getting more and more lost as the days fly by. It's only when I stop and think for a bit that i realize how much time has passed since the last time I stopped and thought the same things.
I love staying busy, because sitting around gives me TOO much time to think- like right now. I need a break, I know that much. I need a nice few days to sleep in 'till who knows when, sit around the house, then sleep some more. Just a day or two as a little refresher. But there's so many people to try and see, work to do, this to get ready, that to try to do. It's insane.
That's another thing, I hate how much I complain about shit. It's so bad, that I'm complaining about complaining. WTF. Seriously, this needs to stop. Then again, it's a nice little way to work out the things that float around and around and around in my head all day every day.
And now getting back to the fastforwardness, I feel so out of eberything that I used to be right in the middle of. I don't know what's going on with anyone, let alone myself, and I don't like it. I think today is the first time in WEEKS that I've been able to sit on the computer and do absolutely nothing but talk to people, and I'm not really even doing that because for whatever reason I can't seem to hold a conversation anymore. I miss talking about nothing, yet talking for hour on end until you realize how much time has passed and you really should sleep. I miss laughing until it hurts. I miss being able to actually TALK to people for more that 2 minute intervals at a time when something pops into my head.
((There is no structural purpose to these spaces, I just don't like hurting my own eyes with huge blocks of text. I need paragraph breaks to take a break at LOL))
Also, I'm tired of being so unstable. It's getting bad. I'll be fine and laughing my ass off one minute, then feeling like crying in the corner away from everyone the next. It's not good, and frankly it's making me think I have a disorder or something like that, 'cause it didn't used to be this bad. I don't think it's depression, unless I never got over that way back when and just have had it for years and year and years...? Yeah, no. I dunno. Maybe it's just who I am and I'll have to learn to deal with it.
I THINK, I really need to stop focusing on a few things in particular. I'm sure noah and maybe jamie can guess what those "few things" are, and I don't feel like going into them right now. See other notes or ask me later if you're genuinely concerned. It's not like I haven't tried to, actually i try to everyday. It's just not as simple as I wish it were. And even if I get them to go away for a while, it's not long before they're all back in my mind again. I hate the repetativeness because I know it's ridiculous and I hate pestering other people for help with them. 'cause it's the same. ALWAYS.
I thank you few that I actually do come to to just ramble on about this, that, or another. Despite how often I come to you, it's really not easy for me to do so. I hate talking about them. I've always been the kind of person that would rather keep it to theirself and see if it goes away. And it's really a big deal the first time I talk to someone about them- no matter how big or little the thing is. Because honestly, there are only 2 people that I would tell ANYTHING to, then maybe 4 or 5 people across the world (including the other 2) that I would tell mostly anything to. It's only those numbers because I do have such amazing people as my friends, I've been lucky enough to find a few that I'd seriously trust with my life.
All I DO know is that i want this to stop. i hate being worried aboutt he future, because i'd much rather just beable to say"bring it on" and see what happens. But then i'll think about my parents, and even though i know that really it does not matter what they think, it's my life and i have to live it my way. I'm just at that point where i finally have to figure out how to let go and deal with their opinions and the stupid things that they say. I've realized that nothing is ever going to be good enough for them, and they're always going to find something to talk bad about. About how much they disapprove or some shit like that. I mean seriously? Shut up and deal with your own lives. Does it really matter that you don't approve, and that you would never do that? No. So stop worrying about stupid shit that's only making you into grumpy old people that I'm afraid of, and focus on yourselves and making your lives better. Please. Oh it's going to be an adventure...
Okay, I'm done for the day. I'm sure I could think of more things to talk about, but that would require actually going into detail on a few of the things that i've chosen only to glance over in the above. I think I reall y just love typing, and the speed at which i've reached. I dunno. i took two college-like exams in the past two days. Calculus and then Literature today. My brain is fried LOL. Time to go do somethin else for a while. How're you?
*************************************************
April 19, 2010
I've been thinking it all the time for the past few days. And not just YOU. But you and you and you. And one of you isn't dead. I just really miss you...Sorry, but I can't help it.
Three of you left too soon, two of you could have prevented it. One of you two needed to have made an effort a long time ago. The last of you three...I don't even have words for it.
Uncle Billy, it's been a few years now, and I still miss you so much. And I can remember that day like it was yesterday. Whenever I think it through, I can't help but cry. Why the fuck didn't you say anything? We could have helped you. I hate hating you for what you did, because you weren't the only one hurting after grandpa passed. But it's like you didn't even try...I miss your jokes, your smiles, your laugh, and how you were the one that made us all feel better when we were down.
Aunt Lois, you fought so hard for so long. At least for the last while. Yes, you needed to try to quit smoking a whole lot sooner than you did- BEFORE it was too late. And I know that it's an addiction, but it's not like we didn't try to help you... I miss you. I miss your cooking. I miss your smile. I miss how you were always so nice to everyone, all the time.
You. What the hell did you ever do to deserve what happened to you? Nothing. You were so kind and had such a great life going. I never got to meet you in person, and I know that I'm not in position to miss you as much as others, but I still do. I miss talking to you, and I miss hearing about your job.
And last but not least, you. Gahhhhhh, I can't help but miss you and think about you all the time. I know it's not forever, but I'm not liking the "now" at all. It's hard to wait for the "then," but I guess I'll have to. Because I know that it's not forever, and I can hang in there for a while longer. But, I still miss you.
I really hope that, where ever the four of you are, you're doing amazing. I know that I'll see you all again, sometime or another. Until then, I'll be missing you. <3
******************************
"Above All"
April 7, 2010 ((MY BIRTHDAY!))
Did you know that,
Without you,
I would be lost?
Did you know that,
Above all,
I owe you everything?
No words exist,
That could express,
What you mean to me.
When I was down,
In a deep, dark place,
Lost-
Confused-
Hurt-
Hopeless…
You found me.
You held me.
You gave me strength
To push off the ground.
You gave me purpose,
To live again.
When I'd slip:
You were there.
When I flew:
You were there.
My life before?
My life now?
I'd never go back.
I'd never give up.
No matter how far
You are from me,
No matter how long
You are gone away:
You're always here-
In my heart,
In my mind,
You've never gone.
Did you know that,
Without you,
I would be lost?
Did you know that,
above all,
I owe you my life?
************************
"All I ask" -March 29, 2010
Twisted,
Torn,
Pulled apart in so many directions.
No way to go,
Too many choices,
But all with no end.
One shore calls my name,
My heart aches for it.
To be held-
To hold-
To kiss-
To just sit...
The other shore holds strong,
Tightens it's grasp-
Claws at my heart-
Chains down my feet.
Falling down,
Tired of climbing back up.
I'm here-
But you don't seem to see me.
What do I have to do?
Jump up and down,
Scream at the top of my lungs?
What?
'Cause frankly,
I'm tired of trying.
Are you annoyed?
Are you scared?
Do you care?
Love me?
Hate me?
I don't care!
Just don't ignore me-
The one thing I can't stand.
Stop avoiding,
Talk to me,
A few words,
That's all I ask.
********************************
That'll be all~