In My Room (3/4)
Title: In My Room (3/4)
Pairing: Kyuwook, KangTeuk
Genre: Angst
Length: 2,567
Rating: PG 15
Summary: Ryeowook gone missing and Kyuhyun is worried about his safety.
A/N: Don’t hate me for whatever bad things happen to Ryeowookie.
-Kyuhyun POV-
He barely touched his plates, just a couple of bites… He pushed the plates towards me, the fake smile was on his face again. I just hurt me more and more.
“Kyu-ah, I’m not hungry… Can you finish it?” He pouts to me, I couldn’t say no… Since he doesn’t want to eat, I guess… I nodded my head slightly.
“Thanks Kyu! I’m going back to my room to study.” He leaned towards me and kissed my cheeks. I don’t know what the feeling was… He didn’t blushed or any shy look on his face. I just know it wasn’t the same anymore. The warmth… It wasn’t there… Was I thinking too much? I look at him make his way back to the room.
“Hyung, do you think something is different about Wookie?” I looked at them with hopeful eyes, I didn’t know what answer I was hoping to get from them…
“Yeah, I didn’t know he cook pancakes.” Kangin continue to dig in his food, Leeteuk just stare deadly at Kangin.
“YA! KIM YOUNGWOON! Can you be serious? Just even a while?” Kangin put down the utensil and look at Leeteuk. Kangin grab onto Leeteuk’s hand.
“When am I not serious? I’m always serious in love with you.” Leeteuk blushed as Kangin kissed his hand. How I wish I could do that to Ryeowook… But not now… He isn’t the happy Ryeowook I know… Yesung just coughed a few times to get their attention.
“I think it is because he lost some of his memoires, that’s why he made breakfast. Don’t think too much Kyu-ah.” Yesung just patted my back. I shouldn’t really think so much. I continued eating. I looked at Leeteuk, who was standing at the basin washing the dishes.
“Hyung, do you think Ryeowookie will be fine?”
“I’m sure he will. Maybe he made this breakfast was just his way of saying thanks.” I kept quiet, maybe Leeteuk was right. It’s his way of saying thanks… My heart just feels uneasy… I heard a loud bang on the floor. I turned to look at the place where the sound was coming from. Shindong has slipped down on the floor again. A noisy entrance which gave Leeteuk an idea…
“Kyuhyun, how about asking Donghae to play football with you? At least you can get your mind off from this matter for awhile.” There was a smile plastered on Donghae’s face like he agreed to Leeteuk.
“Come on, let go play your favorite sport.” Donghae gave a few pats on my back. We changed our clothes and then went out.
“I’ll look after Ryeowook for you, don’t worry.” Leeteuk, thanks…
[One hour later…]
I was back with Donghae, all sweaty. I felt so much better right now. I guess, take a bath and I will be back to normal. I went to my bedroom, to get my clothes, Donghae went back to his room to play with computer games or just stuff that has to do with computers. I was making my way to the bathroom, which was located near the washing machine. I saw Ryeowook doing the laundry, I rubbed my eyes once more and he was really there.
I guess Ryeowook really grow up to be more mature now. Somehow I hated this change, but still seeing him being mature, I just want to hug him, telling him that he was doing fine, he doesn’t need to grow up, I’m willing to take care of him forever. I went forward and wrapped my arms around him, wanting to smell the familiar shampoo that he always used. I failed, he pushed me away harshly. I could see tears in his eyes… He… He was crying? Even if he was fast in hiding his tears, I could see it.
“Wookie?” I called out for him, he looked down using his bangs to cover his tearing eyes. A minute of loud silence, he looked back at me with those eyes. Do you know how painful is that?
“Kyu-ah! You are so smelly! Go and take a bath!” He pinches his nose, acting playfully but I could see through him like an open book. He was crying. He pushed me into the bathroom and shut the door.
-3rd person POV-
Ryeowoook was leaning his back on the door, tears didn’t seem to stop. He was in too much pain, too much horror. He still couldn’t put down the past, he couldn’t forget what the guy did to him. He had never forget anything, he remember every detail clearly… How he was torture, how he cried for help, how he was raped and how he tried to kill himself. He was only acting fine so that his hyungs won’t be worried about him. What Kyuhyun did just trigger the memoires once more, the whole thing seems like it only happened yesterday.
Kyuhyun was behind the door; both hands were on the door. If the door didn’t exist, Kyuhyun’s hand would be holding onto his shoulder. Kyuhyun didn’t dare to open the door, he didn’t know how to face Ryeowook. Even if he did, Ryeowook would just act strong and saying he’s fine even if he’s not. Maybe, letting Ryeowook cry was a better way. At least he could release the pain he was hiding within him. Even for just awhile, he could stop acting strong…
It was then, Kyuhyun decided to spy at him from a far. Kyuhyun kept this in his heart because he didn’t know if he should tell them. The whole day, Ryeowook just locked himself in the room, only when hyungs came knocking on his door, he would then open and start to act.
It’s hurtful to see him keeping the pain within him. Night time came very quickly, I was still looking at his bedroom door. The rest have already gone to sleep. I was alone in the living room, my thoughts started to run wild. What if he tried to suicide? I should really check him. I sneak close softly, picking the lock. I guess I had talent in this area, I unlock the door in a snap. I pushed the door a little, having a finger gap for me to see.
He was struggling on the bed, whimpering…
“No… no…” hands was waving in the air, like he was trying to push something off him. He quickly sat up on the bed. Lots and lots of tears were streaming down… He was also sweating… He hugged Mr teddy in his arms, crying again. He looked like he was in pain, lots of pain. But why didn’t he want to tell the truth? Why did he lie?
Keeping it in his heart will only make him feel worse. I stood there for the whole night, it seems like a cycle. He will wake up from the nightmare, cries himself to sleep. When he was tired from crying, he will fall asleep. After falling asleep, he will again wake up from the same nightmare and cried himself to sleep. I saw it with my own eyes, how his face was wet, it dried when he falls asleep, it was wet again when he wake up…
It seems like a never ending cycle. Feeling the pain again and again, tortured the whole night through. How could he mentally withstand these pains, these nightmares?
For a normal human would have long gone crazy, for him, he still bears it… I don’t know what to say. I really, really want to rush into the room to hug him, but I’m afraid that my hug will only make him remember the pain that was inflicting to him. I clenched my hands tightly and bite my bottom lips…
Every night, I’ll just sit outside Ryeowook’s room, I don’t know what I was waiting… Maybe, I just wanted to see him safe… I just want to stay by his side in the cold night… Soon, it was Sungmin’s birthday, Leeteuk treated everyone for a movie as a part of simple celebration. They were going to see the ‘New moon’. I thought Ryeowook would be so excited like the last time we went to see the ‘Twilight’. He was jumping up and down, wanting to tag along because he just loves the story. I was just too surprise of his reply.
“It’s okay, Hyung. I can wait till it DVD is out. Furthermore, I have to study.” Leeteuk just gaps at this reply, I was just flabbergasted.
“Are you sure you don’t want to go?” Sungmin asked, it was his birthday, Ryeowook would at least say a yes to birthday boy… I think.
“No, hyung. It’s okay, have fun.” He smiled innocently to us again. Leeteuk and all hyungs just accept this? I followed them behind, I still felt perturbed by that. We were in the elevator; my legs just kept tapping restlessly… I shouldn’t be here, I should be at Ryeowook side…
“Hyung, I think I’m not going with you. Ryeowook has been acting weird since he came home. I’m kind of worried.” Sungmin nodded understandingly.
“It okay, Kyuhyun. You don’t have to keep me accompanied. Just make sure both of you are fine. When we get home, I hope to see both of you smiling happily!” Hyung, you are so considerate. I quickly make my way back home, quietly. I opened the door and shut the door quietly. He wasn’t in the living room… I guess, there is only one place…
I moved my way to your room. It wasn’t lock. You put your guard down when there are no one around. I push the door opened, see you at a corner… There was a knife in your hand, I could hear you muttering.
“Just one cut… It would help to lessen the pain…” I rushed to your side, snatching away the knife. You tried to snatch it back, we began to pull here and there. It was just chaotic. The next moment… I just felt the knife slit on my hands.
“Even if I throw it away,
again and again
I want to call you
And hug the crying you in my arms
And keep you right here”
Tears started streaming down on your face. I feel so hurt seeing you in such state. I pulled you towards me. I should have held you tightly and never let you go… I know what had happened to you… Blood started trickling down my wrist. I didn’t feel any pain coming from it… The pain was only coming from my heart… Finally, I could face you. I don’t have to see you getting hurt from afar.
“Mianhae, Mianhae…” Tears threaten to fall, it okay… I know you didn’t want to hurt me at all… I understand… I know… You were like a broken doll… It hurts…
“It okay… It okay… I know you didn’t mean to hurt me at all.” I rubbed gently on his back trying to lessen his guilt but what I get was him crying even harder. I released him from my embrace and held his cheek. I tried wiping away the tears from his cheeks but it keeps flowing. He held my hand and looked at my wrist. I may look hurt outside but I was bleeding profusely inside my heart. Does he know my pain? But I could clearly feel his pain.
“I’ll get the first aid kit.” I nodded and let his hand go. I didn’t and I never will like the feeling of letting go of his hands. Cause, I had lost him once, I didn’t want to lose him twice. It was just too harsh for me. He came back quickly with a health aid kit in his hand and sat beside me. I stared at his worried expression on his face. He carefully applied medicine on my wound and bandaged it up nicely. At least, it wasn’t a deep cut, it didn’t manage to cut my veins
“Wookie…” I managed to utter his name out from my mouth.
“Don’t hurt yourself anymore.” I managed to utter out. His eyes were watery from my words. Ryeowook, why do you have to put up a strong face? If you’re in pain, just cry. Bottling up everything to yourself, it’s not going to help, you only end up hurting yourself even more.
“Just cry, Wookie.” He hugged me tightly, buried his face on my chest. Finally, he’s letting it go. No matter what happens, just know that I’ll be there. It seems like endless of hours has past, but an hour had only past. He broke free from my hug, still sniffing.
“Kyu… I’m sorry for lying… I didn’t want to keep you guys worrying for me.”
“But do you know you made me more worried acting like that?” He looked down, I wasn’t trying to scold him or what. I just… I just… I… Aishi…
“Promise me, you will tell me everything… Don’t keep it bottled.” He nodded and we both smile, it was real... We celebrated Sungmin’s birthday, Ryeowook was really smiling. I guess Sungmin’s birthday brings good luck. I smiled at my silly thoughts. Hyung asked about my wounds, I would just say I accidently cut myself when I was cutting fruits. They actually buy the story and prevent me from eating food that was bad for wounds.
Ryeowook will always show me his wrist; let me check that there weren’t any new wounds. Ryeowook’s mood was getting better and better, but he still has the same nightmare over and over again. It was like a scar, it would never be able to heal, it’s already deeply craved.
One day, he asked me, will tears dry up one day? I didn’t know how to answer. I guess tears will never dry up. He also asked me to let go of him, if was necessary. Sometime, if my action will reminds him of the past, I would be able to know. The crying look, it shows me everything. I think it was about time, I should let him be alone to take care of himself. I have to help at my friend’s mom shop. Since it was Christmas soon, there would be lots of people buying present. Since I had promise and Ryeowook’s condition was stable. I guess going out for work wasn’t a bad idea.
“Wookie-ah,” I looked at him, he was wearing his cute pajamas lying comfortably on his bed. That right, I spend every of my night with him in his room. I just want to be able to console him when he woke up from the nightmare. His condition was really better, the number of time he wake up from the night was getting lesser and lesser. I just felt contented. I don’t hope that he will be able to forget everything in such a short time… I just wish that he will be okay…
“I going to work tomorrow. Will you be fine alone at home?” I comb his hair with my hand. His soft silky hair…
“I will be fine, Kyu-ah. I got your love with me.” He smiled sweetly, I just grinned.
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TBC. Imm so sorry for the late posttt! Mianhe. Oh ya, just wanna ask, I make 2 ending (sad and happy). Which one did you like the most? Happy or sad ending? *I bet happy right?* But honestly I like sad ending coz it make me cry when im writing it..