Doushite kimi o suki ni shimattandarou
Title: Doushite kimi o suki ni shimattandarou
Entailed: the infinite light ~vast and shining~ [side story]
Author: akinoyama
Rating: PG-15 [for save]
Genre: angst?
Words count: 4,753
Pairings: HikaTo and YabuHika [main subject], slight others
Summary: Keito told us a story about love. [really bad summary]
A/N: It was a Keito’s centic for my story ‘The infinite light ~vast and shining~’ I had previously written Hikaru and Yabu’s point of view. And now it was Keito’s turn.
The loud voice from my clock woke me up from my peaceful night. Peaceful? I asked myself, laughed a little. It was not peaceful anyway. I did not have any peaceful night mainly the past last month. I only had nightmares during my sleeps. It was not I was caught by a monster or any other scary creatures. I dreamed about a wedding. You might laugh at me if you wanted. How could a wedding being a nightmare? Or else you were forced to do it. The wedding I dreamed recently was not my wedding. It was my unofficial leader’s. Yes… tomorrow he, Yabu Kouta would get married with his… with his fiancée of course. The woman he loved very much. Everyone knew it for sure. I supposed to be happy for them, didn’t I? But, unfortunately, I could still not do that thing. It was so hard to be really happy for them, to smile for them. I thought you could guess why I felt those feelings. Yabu Kouta’s fiancée was a special person for me. I cared about her so much. Ah… care was not a proper word to describe my feelings towards her. I did not care about her. I loved her. I loved her to the death.
As I got dressed I recalled my memories about her. Her presence would always haunt me. I did not understand how I could fall in love with her. It happened like that without knowing it. Like the flow of water, my love to her so freely grew bigger and bigger every day. It might be started by her kindness and sympathy to me. I got my debut during my second year on the agency. And I honestly was surprised when I heard the news. It was something frightening since my other band mates were my senpais. They had been juniors for 3-6 years. How could I be chosen? I was nothing compared to them, mainly for the oldest one, Yabu Kouta who was our unofficial leader. But, his best friend, Yaotome Hikaru encouraged me that time. She assured me that I could get along with all of them. She made me believe I could complete them with my skill someday. All of us just needed time to explore and figure what it was out. And, gradually, we found it. I was happy I could contribute something to JUMP-my group-. I got along with all of them slowly but sure. I was lucky to be put in JUMP although we were the group that had the most members, 10 people. Speaking of Yaotome Hikaru, she was not only Yabu’s best friend. She was Yabu Kouta’s fiancée now. In short, she was the one who made me felt what love was.
I drove my car to where the wedding would be held. Yabu and Hikaru’s love story was something interesting to me. When JUMP was formed, they were friends, or at least that’s how they told us. They helped each other to guide us, to gather all of us up, to be a solid and one for group. However, I could feel it… something I hated to admit… I saw how Hikaru looked at Yabu with concern and loving way. I witnessed how she cared about the older boy. It hurt me seeing those affections she gave but the pain vanished when she gave her caring to me, although it was different compared with Yabu. I took it for granted… I accepted that… even if it was so painful in my heart, I could not do anything. Yes… I was a coward… I was not brave enough to confess my feeling… Why? First, I knew she was deeply in love with Yabu. There was no way for me to turn her feelings. She had known Yabu three years ahead. I was not able to change the way she thought about Yabu as easy as I spoke English. Second, there was possibility I ruined what I and Hikaru had… our close relationship… I could not maintain she ignored me or stopped her advice to me. Third, I would hurt her. Behind her sharp tongue, she was a very kind person in heart. She concerned about other’s feeling. I did not want to add her burden to think about my feeling to her. She would felt awkward when she knew she could not return my feelings. She understood it would hurt me. And she was not someone who could hurt his friend’s feeling easily.
At first, I thought Yabu and Hikaru would declare their love officially. But, it ended up different from my expectation. The woman Yabu chose that time was Inoo Rei, his auditioned friend. I extremely shocked. How could Inoo and Yabu announce that? Did they not realize Hikaru’s feeling to Yabu? It was so impossible. The three of them were so close to each other. I did not believe it, yet, I started thinking another thing. I thought Yabu had same feeling as me to Hikaru, but maybe I was wrong. What if Yabu really cared about Hikaru only as his friend? What if he really loved Inoo? Both of them also close. Besides, I often saw Inoo tried to get Yabu’s attention and she seemed enjoying it. I heard Hikaru then mumbled something to excuse herself. I saw the tears she held back as she passed me and Yabu’s sad yet concern eyes followed her steps until she disappeared.
That’s the first time I did not know what the best to do. I stared at my phone all night long, wanting to call her but found no appropriate words and strength. Then the light from my curtain realized me that the morning had come. We practiced without Hikaru that day since she did not give any sign for coming. I got worried about her. I was afraid she would do any stupid thing. A suicide, might be? Ah… No…no…no… If it was true, the news would spread faster. I planned to visit her after the practice was over, then our manager came saying that Hikaru took a holiday trip. The nine of us shocked hearing the news. What made Hikaru in sudden decide to take a break from the limelight. I did not believe it at first so I made my way to go to her house. I saw no sign of living when I reached the place so I concluded our manager told the truth. Fear crept as I laid my body on my bed that day. Did Hikaru try to runaway? I scolded myself of not caught her up that day. Why was I so stupid? She surely needed somebody beside her. How could I not see that? Or I pretended not to see? What if Hikaru did not want to come back to JUMP? What would happen to me? She was someone I used to lean on. I hoped Hikaru eventually came back to us. And when she did I would give her everything she needed. And then I fell asleep.
I parked my car at my usual spot. It was easier for me to get it back. I continued my memory back then as I made my way to the building. I counted day by day Hikaru left us. As I expected it was no fun when she was not near me. It was not only me who sad because Hikaru’s leaving, Yuuri and Ryuu felt the same way too. Both of them really loved Hikaru and apparently blamed it to Yabu. They had no words to tell to Yabu, completely ignoring the unofficial leader of JUMP. I watched Yabu’s face being frustrated. He seemed confuse with Yuuri and Ryuu’s childish act. I used to see Hikaru comforted Yabu at time when he stressed but now it would be Inoo’s role. I could not deny the fact they were really looked good as a perfect couple. Somehow they gave a different aura when they were together. I assumed it like a royal family who hard to get close to. But when I watched Yabu and Hikaru together, I felt a warm family aura spreading out from them, mainly when they were with Ryuu (or any little juniors). It pained me but I was a bit relief seeing the three of them.
Then the day I waited finally came. Hikaru came back to us in the end after her sudden trip. I burst out of happiness the time I saw her smile again. My time for waiting after all was a worth one. I really wanted to pull her on my arms but I knew I did not have any rights. I sensed the others were happy as well. They all missed Hikaru so much. I saw a relief drawn on Yabu’s face as he looked or… should I say… stared at Hikaru? But still, there’s something hidden behind that intense stare, I felt it. Then I realized something change between Yabu and Hikaru. Hikaru kept her distance from Yabu away bit by bit. She probably thought it was the way it should be since Inoo was Yabu’s girlfriend. It should be Inoo who being the closest person to Yabu not her anymore. I admitted I was glad with the decision Hikaru made for staying away. It made both of us had an opportunity to know each other better.
I enjoyed my time with her and I did not want to barge out but Hikaru also enjoyed it. Both of us never had official date anyway, we always went out with other members. I admitted I a bit disliked it but Hikaru’s smile able to kicked that feeling out of me. The times for only both of us were very rare. They usually when I helped her with English stuff, she helped me with dance practice or how to play guitar. Hikaru’s feeling for Yabu still bothered me. I caught her stared blankly every time she saw Yabu and Inoo showed affection for each other, mainly when they shared passionate kisses. And I simply whacked her head playfully, teasing her “What are you looking at? You’re forbidden to look it.” She would whack me back, blushing nevertheless. I loved seeing the red blush on her cheeks. She really suited it. You had the privilege to laugh at me. But it was the truth of what I felt. I hardly found her weak point. She was perfect on my eyes, and would always be.
I did not learn anything from my experience. I still had trouble with confessing my feelings. I always tried to find the right moment and it ended up nothing happened, nothing changed. There were always something prevented my way… Rain… the sound of train, motorcycle, she put earphone on her ears, she did not manage to come… and still many things happened. I could only take deep breathe and get more patient. I believed there would be time I could confess my feeling to her. Besides, Yabu also never gave any hint of disagreeing with all my moves to get closer to Hikaru. In sum, Yabu was nothing…. But then… I found it was so wrong.
I did not for sure what really happened. What I knew only Yabu and Inoo broke up. Like a thunder on sunny day, the news slapped my mind. I was scared Yabu would try to get Hikaru back. My fear, however, did not come true in a short of time. Yabu was still stubborn to get Inoo back and I, of course, was so relieved. It meant Hikaru was free, not bounded at anything. Furthermore, Inoo also did not change her mind at all. She had decided and would go through it at any cost. And Yabu gradually accepted it. He could never have Inoo-chan back. That’s the turning point for everything. Yabu tried to runaway from his pain and suffer. He let the dark side of life came to him. He changed. I mostly did not recognize him anymore. He did not care about anything or anyone. All of us were so sad seeing the change of him, mainly Hikaru. We tried all the ways we could to remind him but no avail. We could not force Inoo to get back with the Yabu back then. He was the most dangerous person you could ever meet. We almost hopeless with Yabu until he did something that made me really wanted to vanish him from the world.
I coincidently saw Hikaru helped Yabu who got drunk. I assumed Hikaru would bring Yabu back to his apartment. And I could not stop the growing jealousy in my heart. I decided to follow them secretly, despite I was jealous, I was worried what a drunken man could do. Although she was older than me, she was still a girl. I saw there was nothing to be afraid as they arrived in front of Yabu’s apartment. Yabu was sleeping back then until Hikaru had to give piggy-back to him. I decided to wait until Hikaru came out. But it was so long since she entered the building. Fear started to overcome me. I quickly entered the building and searched Yabu’s room. I hope Hikaru was alright and Yabu did not do anything to her. When I was in front of Yabu’s door, I slightly heard someone screamed. I recognized it as Hikaru’s voice. I knocked the door asking whether everything was alright. Then I heard Hikaru shouted my name for a help. I must break the door in attempt to enter the room.
I called Hikaru’s name for many times until I found the things I never wanted to see. Yabu straddled Hikaru, pinning her between the floor and him. The arms of her clothes were torn up, she was crying, trying to free herself and hoping Yabu would listen to her. I clenched my fist as I approached them, grabbed his shoulder then hit him across the face. I did not know if I hit him too hard or it was because he got drunk, he immediately unconscious. I approached Hikaru, wrapping the crying her with my jacket. She then cried so badly on my chest. I embraced her, tapping her messy hair, saying “It’s alright now, Hikaru” for awhile. Seeing she cried tore my heart as well. I never saw she cried even once before. But I was glad I could make it in time, I did not fail to protect her from Yabu. It was the first time of my life I felt someone really needed me. And what made it so special, that someone was Hikaru, Yaotome Hikaru, the one I really cared about. I gently pulled herself on her feet, helping her to walk. “I send you home, Hikaru.” Hikaru said no words; she simply nodded after she looked back awhile. Looking at an unconscious Yabu with the look I hardly to describe, the look of anger, sad, pity, and disappointment at once.
On our way home, Hikaru kept leaning her head on my shoulder. Although we stayed in silence, I did not mind since I felt as if I was in heaven with her. I had called Yuuri and Ryuu to come to Hikaru’s house earlier so that when we arrived and I left Hikaru, she still could have friends to comfort her. I needed to do something about the incident and it was impossible for me to stay at her house. Yuuri and Ryuu widened her eyes when they saw the two of us. I bet they had many questions on their mind seeing the weak and silent Hikaru. I only told them that Yabu had tried to rape Hikaru and asked them to comfort her. It was what she needed the most on that horrible night despite their urge to get revenge on Yabu for Hikaru’s sake. I assured them that I and the gentlemen JUMP had would do something to Yabu. We agreed Yabu had gone too far. I bid good bye to Hikaru as I gave her a brief hug and then she nodded lightly.
I greeted every one who now were working to make the building and the garden so beautiful for the wedding tomorrow. As I did my work I could not stop remembering the past. Up till now, it was so hard to believe Yabu could do something horrible to Hikaru. My point was Hikaru was Yabu’s best friend, every one knew it for sure. They, we could say, grew up together. I understood Yabu was so frustrated that time, but why it must be Hikaru. Why it must be Hikaru who experienced that!!! I called the other JUMP members, asking them to come to my house. They refused at first since it was very late of night but I said it was important, it related to Yabu, Hikaru and JUMP. They finally came over to my house. And I told everything had happened to Hikaru. I could saw a disbelief and shock from their faces. Neither of us expected such terrible, shameful thing could happen amongst us. In addition, it happened to the heart of JUMP, the JUMP’s symbol of father and mother. We did not know what we should do. But there was no way for us to let it alone without doing anything. We decided to tell Yabu the next day, waiting his reaction. Our decision depended on his action after knowing what he had done to our Hikaru, whether he regretted it or not.
The time I arrived at Yabu’s apartment, Takaki and Daiki were already there. I saw Yabu’s cheek was red, signaling Takaki had hit him as well. Yabu desperately denied the fact we told him. He did not believe he dared to hurt Hikaru like that. I clearly saw Yabu still cared about her. She was still someone important to him. The shock and torn look from him gave clue to me; he still had a rational mind. I secretly hoped Yabu could realize his mistakes and took a step to move on, bringing back Yabu Kouta every one knew. The kind, caring, responsible, wonderful Yabu Kouta. I did not know what happened to Yabu after we left him alone. We gave him time to think. What I knew was I got mail from Hikaru to go to the hospital. I asked myself whether there was something bad happened to her. The time I stepped my feet on the ward, I saw Yabu was lying on the bed meanwhile Hikaru was watching over him from far. After all JUMP met up, Yabu bravely apologized to all of us. It was my first time saw Yabu really regretted something. I was relived Yabu in the end could realize his mistakes and wanted to change. He asked us for helping him going through this. And of course, the nine of us, Takaki, Inoo, Hikaru, Daiki, me, Yamada, Yuuto, Yuuri, and Ryuu gladly accepted it. Hikaru’s incident was a reverse point for Yabu. Like people used to say, there would be something different when we changed our point of view. The incident between Yabu and Hikaru was something to be sorry for, but on the other hand, it brought our lovely unofficial leader back to us.
During Yabu’s counseling and treatment, Hikaru got closer and closer to Yabu again. It turned like that since she was the only one could ‘control’ the ‘madness and wildness’ of Yabu. I, sometimes, questioned myself why Inoo was not the one who could make Yabu calm. She was, after all, his ex lover. It was obvious if Inoo understood Yabu the most amongst all of us. She knew Yabu a year ahead than Hikaru as well. So I felt strange Hikaru had a very understanding to Yabu and Yabu welcomed it. He seemed to calmer whenever Hikaru was beside him than anyone. And… I had to admit I did not like those things… from the way Yabu looked at Hikaru as if he needed Hikaru to stand by him… However, the two of them did not give any clues to me to take a step forward to their relationship. They only gave me a friendship feeling during that time and after that… it was something different.
After Yabu fully got rid of his dark past, we continued our life as usual. We practiced dance and sing, held concerts, released numerous of singles, albums and photo book, played role in dramas, had various TV show and any other things. We also spent time to have a nice break from daily routine sometimes. We were happy even though I could felt a hint of jealousy from Yabu when Hikaru spent her times with me. He also finally seemed to approve Takaki and Inoo’s relationship. He had usual interaction with them like before, when there was no official couple in JUMP. Speaking of JUMP couples, at that time we also had Yamada-Ryuu and Yuuto-Yuuri. There was no difficulty on Yamada and Ryuu being together as if they realized the special feeling for each other on the right time. For Yuuto and Yuuri, there was something between them. Yuuto had won Yuuri’s heart after he ‘beat’ Daiki fairly. To be honest, I had expected Yuuto won it since I knew Yuuri actually had the same feeling to the older boy. It just she did not realize it yet. So the only singles left alone were me, Hikaru, Yabu and Daiki. When I finally determined to confess my pure feelings to her, something bad happened. I actually did not want to remember it but it was deeply buried on my mind.
I planned have a dinner with Hikaru after we finished our rehearsal but then an earthquake hit Tokyo. All of us tried to save ourselves. I did not need to worry Inoo, Yuuri, or Ryuu, they had their own princes anyway. Who I should care of course Hikaru, I successfully brought her to a safe place meanwhile I saw Yabu directed the rest of juniors to find a way out. I then averted my gaze awhile to help the others as well and then I heard Hikaru’s screaming out Yabu’s name. Back then, she no longer called him by his surname as usual, she screamed Yabu’s little name out as she was running to him then pushed him aside. The next thing happened in a blink of eyes. What I remember was Yabu held the bleeding Hikaru and called her name out many times which she never responded. I ran towards them, wanting to see Hikaru’s condition. I hardly to inhale any air that time seeing Hikaru closed her eyes, unmoving at all on Yabu’s arms. Yabu quickly regained his sense, he held Hikaru bridal style, running to the exit way. Hikaru’s act at that time slapped me from my dream. Hikaru cared about Yabu more than I ever thought. I believed she realized she could be the replacement for Yabu but she did not care about it. She kept running, saving Yabu. It made me sad, but it could get worse if Hikaru did not survive.
All of us stayed on hospital, waiting Hikaru’s surgery. It was so luck for us, we did not badly injured physically. All of us prayed for Hikaru’s safety. We did not want to lose her. I saw Yamada was comforting the crying Ryuu. Yuuto was hugging Yuuri tightly while whispering something I concluded as the comforting words since Yuuri did not say anything when she was on hopeless. Inoo was leaning her head on Takaki, still sobbing lightly while Takaki gave her soft taps on head. I turned my gaze to Daiki who stood beside me. He looked so tense and worried same as the other Hikaru’s family. As my eyes set on Yabu, I saw Yabu had seemed to control himself. He did not cry but he could not hide the tense and hope from his face. He looked like he felt guilty for what happened to Hikaru. I did not know how his and my feeling if the doctors could not save Hikaru’s life.
The surgery went so slow for me. I could not stop taking glance over the clock or the surgery room, waiting the door opened. And finally the door was opened, Yabu and Hikaru’s father right away talked to the doctors. I saw Hikaru’s father lost his balance so Yabu had to support him. My heart beat faster, I was afraid Hikaru gave up. But then as Yabu turned to face us, I saw a smile and relief on his face. “Hikaru survive.” That was the happiest words we heard that day. I heard the girls on the room began crying again. Hikaru was then brought to ICU room, she still needed an intensive care. Yabu then volunteered himself to watch over Hikaru. All of us were surprised; Yabu needed took a rest too. But he insisted, even though they forbid him, he would stay still on the hospital, waiting Hikaru opened her eyes. Yabu then gave Yuuto some instructions regarding to JUMP activities. I confused to describe Yabu’s care to Hikaru that time. It was only a care for his childhood best friend, a gratitude for saving his life again, a guilty for what had happened or was there something else? Something huge, more important feeling, a fear of losing someone you truly loved.
Ten days afterwards, I got mail from Yabu. It said Hikaru had wakened up. I immediately ran to the florist, buying the most beautiful flower to her before heading to the hospital. When I saw her, she was still so weak but kept giving me her charming smile. The smile I missed so much. I placed the flowers on the table beside her and she was happy to receive those beautiful flowers. I smiled to her happily. She promised to get well soon. She was eager to get out from the hospital. She thought hospital made her get weaker. She needed fresh air to get stronger. I giggled hearing her. That’s how Hikaru I knew. Hikaru who made me fell in love. I still wanted to stay with her but I knew she needed many good rests, so I decided to leave the hospital after she felt asleep. Besides Hikaru’s mother was still on the hospital. I could trust anything to her.
The earthquake changed everything on my life. I could no longer deny the fact how care Yabu and Hikaru for each other. How the way they looked at each other. How they smiled to each other. Hikaru never, she would not give the look and smile as she gave to Yabu to me. I realized it and it broke my heart. And then both of them, Yabu and Hikaru finally announced their love to the rest of JUMP. I felt my world ruined the time they declared it. But the smile on Hikaru’s face was something I could not ignore. She was happy, really happy. And how I could destroy her happiness by telling my feelings to her that time. I held back the tears. I had to smile for her, I smiled for her, not for Yabu, I admitted. I did not give my smile to someone who took my happiness away.
Times then flew so fast, Hikaru still be my best friend, always there when I needed her. I was happy but not really the happiness level I yearn for. I tried to forget about her since that day, the day she became Yabu’s. I dated some girls for helping me forgetting my love to Hikaru but no avail. I did not mean to play with their feelings. I also loved them but not as much as I could love Hikaru. Was I wrong for still having feelings to her? I could not answer the question either. And then, Yabu in the end proposed Hikaru. And I could not do anything but praying for their happiness although it destroyed myself.
I had finally finished my job for this day. I said good bye for the others and walked to the parking area. As I got on my car, I pulled Hikaru’s picture from the dashboard. ‘Hikaru, doushite kimi o suki ni shimattan darou’, I muttered the question for myself. The pain of this unrequited love starting I could hold no longer. I wanted to say it with someone. I needed a place to release that pain. And I cried alone in the silence.
Indonesia, 2010 January 20