Well Fuck
I realize right now how i kind of sort of never post, which is fine really since i dont have all the time in the world for it, nor do i usually have anything to write about that would be of interest to anyone but me. But right now i kind of need to be a whiner, so thats exactly what i am going to do.
Lately i have been very stressed out, and by this i mean my heart pounds harder than it should out of seemingly no where, not having jogged or anything, or even really having had to think real hard about anything thats been upsetting me personally, though often times that can trigger it. Worse yet is i think it happens more when i am around great deals of people since i feel like i constantly have to keep look out or keep my gaurd up since i know so many shmo's in this town that i prey never to see again. But realistically whats been happening happens the most when i am trying to sleep. Which is just fantastic since i have to work mornings btw. I toss and turn, my heart pounds and throbs and when i finally get to sleep my ears still detect every tiny sound so something wakes me up and i have to do it all over again. Its getting very frustrating. And it seems like the only time i actually get to sleep and sleep a good long sleep is when i have been crying until my eyes cant possibly produce any more fluid. Or until i convince myself that i am being gross.
Why i have been stressed. I am certain that there are many factors. I am working two jobs, one of which isnt a problem for me in the least, that being Kmart since i am already used to it. The second of which is Ampm, which i am certain is just stressing me out since its still very very new to me, and new jobs have a tendancy to be stressful since you have to learn new things. There is also the fact that five people are sharing one car and while that didnt used to be a big deal at all, now schedules are begining to overlap because of my second job. So my Bf, wes, is having to drive holi and i to and from work on certain days, which shouldnt be a big deal since all he does really is sit at home all day anyway, and usually its nothing but of course he whines about it. The next factor is that the same guy waited until my vacation for holi's birthday, our time of relaxation, to tell me that we needed to slow things down and that he was thinking of moving back to texas with his mother, then shortly after this conversation he bagan talking to some female friend on the phone for hours on end. And when i say slow down its not like " lets stop having sex, lets not do this lets not do that." its like he doesnt want me to touch him at all. No kissing, no cuddling, no hugging because the last time i tried that he told me i was smothering him. I know this all sounds emensley childish, and i know it is, to a point i care that i am feeling in such a young demeanor. But damnit i am hurt, i am jealous and i cant fucking sleep.
Now because of these things i am constantly worrying myself about how other people are thinking or feeling or viewing me or my friends. I feel like i cant relax, and like someone is always mad with me or upset about something i did at some point in time, and i and begining to loose it over that.
I also worry about holi, she had her own problems with stress the last thing she needs is to worry about someone else because i am sure it will just stress her out more.
So i called in to both of my jobs yesterday, and i am trying to go to one today within a matter of minutes i will be on my way there. Hopfully i dont loose my mind and throw up all over everything. It was nice that my new boss was so concerned for my well being though, to a point where he almost tried to convince me to stay home today aswell, and when that failed he said he would just call in someone from night time early so i could go home a little early and rest.
I guess thats all i have to say for now, especially since i am out of time.
I am back from work now. Holi is in the other room talking to wes about something, there has been some raising of voices but no yelling i would say. but i am stressed out because i think its going to end in wes being mad at me. Which wouldnt be a problem if i wasnt so damned sensative.
damnit.
Lately i have been very stressed out, and by this i mean my heart pounds harder than it should out of seemingly no where, not having jogged or anything, or even really having had to think real hard about anything thats been upsetting me personally, though often times that can trigger it. Worse yet is i think it happens more when i am around great deals of people since i feel like i constantly have to keep look out or keep my gaurd up since i know so many shmo's in this town that i prey never to see again. But realistically whats been happening happens the most when i am trying to sleep. Which is just fantastic since i have to work mornings btw. I toss and turn, my heart pounds and throbs and when i finally get to sleep my ears still detect every tiny sound so something wakes me up and i have to do it all over again. Its getting very frustrating. And it seems like the only time i actually get to sleep and sleep a good long sleep is when i have been crying until my eyes cant possibly produce any more fluid. Or until i convince myself that i am being gross.
Why i have been stressed. I am certain that there are many factors. I am working two jobs, one of which isnt a problem for me in the least, that being Kmart since i am already used to it. The second of which is Ampm, which i am certain is just stressing me out since its still very very new to me, and new jobs have a tendancy to be stressful since you have to learn new things. There is also the fact that five people are sharing one car and while that didnt used to be a big deal at all, now schedules are begining to overlap because of my second job. So my Bf, wes, is having to drive holi and i to and from work on certain days, which shouldnt be a big deal since all he does really is sit at home all day anyway, and usually its nothing but of course he whines about it. The next factor is that the same guy waited until my vacation for holi's birthday, our time of relaxation, to tell me that we needed to slow things down and that he was thinking of moving back to texas with his mother, then shortly after this conversation he bagan talking to some female friend on the phone for hours on end. And when i say slow down its not like " lets stop having sex, lets not do this lets not do that." its like he doesnt want me to touch him at all. No kissing, no cuddling, no hugging because the last time i tried that he told me i was smothering him. I know this all sounds emensley childish, and i know it is, to a point i care that i am feeling in such a young demeanor. But damnit i am hurt, i am jealous and i cant fucking sleep.
Now because of these things i am constantly worrying myself about how other people are thinking or feeling or viewing me or my friends. I feel like i cant relax, and like someone is always mad with me or upset about something i did at some point in time, and i and begining to loose it over that.
I also worry about holi, she had her own problems with stress the last thing she needs is to worry about someone else because i am sure it will just stress her out more.
So i called in to both of my jobs yesterday, and i am trying to go to one today within a matter of minutes i will be on my way there. Hopfully i dont loose my mind and throw up all over everything. It was nice that my new boss was so concerned for my well being though, to a point where he almost tried to convince me to stay home today aswell, and when that failed he said he would just call in someone from night time early so i could go home a little early and rest.
I guess thats all i have to say for now, especially since i am out of time.
I am back from work now. Holi is in the other room talking to wes about something, there has been some raising of voices but no yelling i would say. but i am stressed out because i think its going to end in wes being mad at me. Which wouldnt be a problem if i wasnt so damned sensative.
damnit.