(no subject)
At times you know when life is changing a lot, you know in one moment that something had changed, or maybe it's just a realization of a second when suddenly something clicks in the back your mind. There are a few moments when I had these revelations of mine that my life as I had known it will never be the same. I must be a lucky person indeed because until now there is only one moment if my life I would return, other than that, my choices were lucky, or at least not unlucky.
This year is one of the ground breaking, I know, I just don't know in what way and it's been on my mind a lot and I need to write these fears down in order to get some courage to face these changes.
My friends and family may know, that I always have been sort of freak about the Japanese culture, I have been watching anime since primary school, but it's not just anime, it's the way of thinking, the sense of pride and responsibility, I cannot exactly explain it, but I believe, I understand. I understand the Japanese way as much as if I were a part of it. My last trip to Japan was supposed to be a test, whether it's really as I think, or I am immaturely idolozing something I don't even know and though I admit that three weeks is entirely not enough, my desire for the Japanese culture pulled and tugged at my heartstring even stronger. I decided to give up my job to study Japanese, leave behind my friends there I love very much. All in order to start studying.
Now a few ways open before me and I just need to call out my fears. There are two universities where I could study. Here, in my native town, there are many people applying for it and the tuition is fairly high considering the level. I may not be able to pass entrance exams even, because I don't have that much time for studying and competition is indeed hard. However, my friend Tana is also applying there and I sort of convinced her into it, I feel obliged to go there.
Then there is university in Wien, which is fairly renowned, and I would have a chance maybe to try out for a scholarship in Oxford. That would be more than fulfilling my dream. If I had to choose this would be my choice, if not for the fact that I am working and I would have to travel there. I cannot imagine losing that much time, because I need to work.
And then, then there is the third and the easiest option, study in my course, where I am already for three years, with my friends and good company, going much slower than I really could, having no trouble and staying safely in my cocoon. Not risking anything, but not gaining much in return either.
I am starting to doubt my decision for studying, but I always do since it would be the more difficult way. Yet, at the same time, I want to go that road, everyone needs to go their own way so we live our life and don't regret it. I am so anxious in the moment about it, I even thought about how good it would be if I actually didn't pass the exams, but that would be betrayal considering I left my friends and my job in order to attain this chance and therefore I should really try my best.
Aren't I too old to start this? Shouldn't I be trying to settle down? Find a boyfriend, future husband...be normal? I think I am just too scared of changes, of hurting my friends and family with leaving them behind to pursue my own dreams...I feel obliged to them yet what if I regret not taking my chances later?
This year is one of the ground breaking, I know, I just don't know in what way and it's been on my mind a lot and I need to write these fears down in order to get some courage to face these changes.
My friends and family may know, that I always have been sort of freak about the Japanese culture, I have been watching anime since primary school, but it's not just anime, it's the way of thinking, the sense of pride and responsibility, I cannot exactly explain it, but I believe, I understand. I understand the Japanese way as much as if I were a part of it. My last trip to Japan was supposed to be a test, whether it's really as I think, or I am immaturely idolozing something I don't even know and though I admit that three weeks is entirely not enough, my desire for the Japanese culture pulled and tugged at my heartstring even stronger. I decided to give up my job to study Japanese, leave behind my friends there I love very much. All in order to start studying.
Now a few ways open before me and I just need to call out my fears. There are two universities where I could study. Here, in my native town, there are many people applying for it and the tuition is fairly high considering the level. I may not be able to pass entrance exams even, because I don't have that much time for studying and competition is indeed hard. However, my friend Tana is also applying there and I sort of convinced her into it, I feel obliged to go there.
Then there is university in Wien, which is fairly renowned, and I would have a chance maybe to try out for a scholarship in Oxford. That would be more than fulfilling my dream. If I had to choose this would be my choice, if not for the fact that I am working and I would have to travel there. I cannot imagine losing that much time, because I need to work.
And then, then there is the third and the easiest option, study in my course, where I am already for three years, with my friends and good company, going much slower than I really could, having no trouble and staying safely in my cocoon. Not risking anything, but not gaining much in return either.
I am starting to doubt my decision for studying, but I always do since it would be the more difficult way. Yet, at the same time, I want to go that road, everyone needs to go their own way so we live our life and don't regret it. I am so anxious in the moment about it, I even thought about how good it would be if I actually didn't pass the exams, but that would be betrayal considering I left my friends and my job in order to attain this chance and therefore I should really try my best.
Aren't I too old to start this? Shouldn't I be trying to settle down? Find a boyfriend, future husband...be normal? I think I am just too scared of changes, of hurting my friends and family with leaving them behind to pursue my own dreams...I feel obliged to them yet what if I regret not taking my chances later?