Beautiful Lie [to Believe in] | 22/24 | AoixRuki, UruhaxRuki
Title: Beautiful Lie [to Believe in]
Chapter: 22/24
Author: akichuu
Fandom: the GazettE
Pairing: AoixRuki, RukixAoi, UruhaxRuki
Rating: R
Genre: AU (highschool), angst
Warnings: Yaoi, (slight) pedophilia, incestuous relationship, domestic abuse, possible violence. Not comfortable with those issues? Save yourselves and DON'T read this. I'm serious.
Disclaimer: Title is taken from 30 Seconds to Mars's song, Beautiful Lie. the GazettE belongs to themselves and, yes, the Almighty PSC. I, well I own this story. It's fiction, meaning IT'S NOT REAL and I'm making no profit from it (except my 15 minutes of fame). Yes, mind that.
Beta: izumi_luvsjrock. Thank you~ ♥ I kept on torturing you with these updates XD
Summary: He was an outcast, an unwanted child that was thrown away, even by his own family. He was taught by life not to trust anyone, especially those who came to him offering the thing called 'love'. 'Love' was just a small part of his dream, and dreams, as far as he knew, weren't real and could never be real.
In this case, Shiroyama Yuu was definitely not an exception.
Comment: Goodbye means goodbye.
Beautiful Lie [to Believe in]
Chapter 22
“Takanori, stop for a second!”
Yuu’s voice and the hard tug on my hand finally put a stop to my hurried steps. I was panting, and it was only then that I noticed where we were. We had reached the shoe-locker room on the first floor a few meters away from the front entrance. The room was dim with only the sunlight streaming through the door allowing me to see my surrounding. Shadows casted by rows and rows of lockers hovered over us, inevitably giving me the shivers. I didn’t know if it was some kind of an ill omen or something, but all I wanted was to get the hell out of this place-out of this school, for good.
I turned around and was immediately met with Yuu’s confused glare. There were hundreds of questions that needed answers in those eyes; I could see them clearly. I would hate to disappoint Yuu by not giving him the explanations he needed, but I wished he would have waited until we got home. He could ask me anything he wanted, anything at all, and I would give him all the answers if possible but later once we’re safely home. Spending another minute here felt so wrong, especially after what we had gone through in the Headmaster’s office.
Yuu took a deep breath before he popped his question, which I’m sure would only be the first of many. “What exactly do you think you’re doing?”
Yes, Takanori, what exactly do you think you’re doing?
Believe it or not, I had been asking myself the same question ever since we walked out of the Headmaster’s office. What was I doing? Was I aware of what kind of trouble I had created for the both of us? Was I even thinking straight?
In order to answer all those questions, and many other questions that were waiting to be asked out loud, I would have to self-analyze; draw theories and make assumptions which would probably take forever. Unfortunately, right now we didn’t have forever.
“I’m getting us out of here,” I finally said, hoping Yuu would understand the meaning behind my short answer and not ask another question.
“You’re insane, do you know that? You’ll be sorry soon enough,” he said, but the look on his face failed to make his threat sound convincing. His lips were stretched into a smile and I could see a sparkle in his eyes. I dare say that he was actually happy that I had gone insane and gotten us both expelled from school.
“Thank you, Takanori. Thank you for all those things you said back there. And thank you for not giving up on me when you had the chance to.”
Something clenched around my heart at hearing his words of gratitude. I hadn’t been able to fathom how deep the scar that his previous love, Kazuki, had left in his heart. But now seeing the relieved expression he had on his face, I understood to some level the fear of rejection and abandonment that he must have felt. How ironic could life be? You’d think a man wouldn’t fall into the same hole twice, but Yuu actually went through the same ordeal that he had already experienced in the past. I had no idea how he managed to risk his heart again after having it torn apart once; but then I guess I would never be able to understand just how deep his feelings really were for me.
Imagine how he would feel if only I had gone along with whatever the Headmaster had wanted me to do; imagine the pain… Staring at the expression he was wearing now, I was honestly glad I hadn’t put him through a second heartbreak.
“Yeah well,” I said sheepishly. “School sucks anyway.”
It was an easy choice to make, Yuu. Did you think I would leave you alone and choose a restricted kind of life in this school instead?
I didn’t have a future in this school-I had probably realized it for a long time already. I wasn’t going to continue studying here until it was time for the exams. I wasn’t going to graduate and become one of the school’s graduates. I would have flunked out of school; if not today, then someday soon.
“Come on, let’s go home.” I laced my fingers between Yuu’s and tugged gently. He smiled, and I couldn’t help but feel warm inside. It’s over now, I thought. We’re getting out of here. It’s all over now.
I hadn’t even gone further than a couple of steps away from our initial spot when I heard noises-footsteps. Someone was here in the same room with us and whoever it was, this person was approaching us. I froze, unconsciously holding my breath. Who was it? Was it a teacher or one of the students?
The silhouette of the uninvited visitor emerged from between the lockers ahead of us blocking the light so that I couldn’t see the person’s face. But as he came closer, step by step, I began to recognize him.
My heart throbbed painfully inside my chest as I acknowledged my potentially ex-best friend. “Uruha.” The name slithered on the surface of my tongue, tasting like acid. It was burning me painfully.
Uruha stepped closer and I almost averted my gaze from the anger displayed so harshly on his face. He hadn’t said a word, but I didn’t think he had to; I could read everything on his face, in his eyes, and in the stiff posture of his whole body. All those accusations and words of reproach were bubbling inside of him, waiting to be let out. Disappointment, fury, disgust-every single emotion was showing on his face unrestrainedly.
“Well, well.” Uruha stood a couple of feet away from me; his posture was tense with hands jammed deep inside his pockets. I imagined they were curled in tight fists while he held back the urge to beat me up. Instead of feeling worried that I might walk out of here looking like a car crash victim, I actually wished he would just let his anger loose-make a pulp out of me-and get it over with; the sooner the better.
I sighed, silently cursing both my fate and my stupidity. How could I forget about Uruha? What had happened in the Headmaster’s office had taken up all my focus that I had forgotten about the most crucial matter of all: Uruha. The entire school might despise me, the Headmaster might get me expelled-none of those mattered much. The fear of being hated by Uruha was worse than anything else I could imagine.
Suddenly the weight of Yuu’s hand in my grip felt more prominent than before. I realized that Uruha was staring at us, at how our hands were joined. It hadn’t felt awkward before, but right now I was adding salt water to both Uruha’s and Yuu’s wounds by doing this. Reluctantly I turned to Yuu, swallowed my discomfort, and spoke up.
“Will you wait for me in the car, Yuu?” I asked of him. “I need to talk to Uruha.”
Yuu’s expression seemed cool and collected, but I knew better than to expect him to feel okay about this. His eyes darted from me to Uruha, and back to me. For a moment I thought I saw something in his eyes-what was that? Was it sadness…? Or was it hopelessness? I had the oddest feeling that Yuu was staring at me like he was waiting for me to tell him to go ahead and leave me behind.
But before long he nodded and, without a word, let go of my hand and walked away. I felt a great urge to reach out and pull him back-I needed the strength that his presence could give me, I needed him. But then I knew if I did that I would be selfish. I couldn’t possibly let Yuu wait for me here; listening to this conversation I would be having with Uruha.
I don’t know what the outcome will be, Yuu. It all depends on this conversation that Uruha and I are about to have. But one thing’s for sure, I wouldn’t have asked you to wait for me if I thought I would just ditch you.
Reluctantly I looked away from Yuu’s retreating back; my conscience felt heavy with uncertainties. The look I found on Uruha’s face didn’t help much. If anything, it only made me want to run following Yuu’s path and get the hell out of here. It seemed like the easiest thing to do considering the situation, but then I looked at where I had ended now; all these consequences I was facing. Wasn’t this the repercussion of me running away from problems? If I ran away again now wouldn’t there be an even worse consequence for me to deal with sometimes in the future?
I braced myself with whatever strength I had left and tried to console myself. At least when this was all over, I no longer had to live in lies. All my secrets had been laid out in the open; I had nothing left to hide. This wound was already bleeding. Another stab of a knife wouldn’t make much of a difference.
“Uruha,” I spoke up. “I owe you tons of apology… and an explanation.”
“I suppose you do,” Uruha replied. I hated the almost nonchalant tone in his voice. I would rather he shouted and called me names; at least that way I knew he was letting out his anger instead of holding it down. “Although I’m not sure if you won’t just make up another excuse,” he continued, “Or lies.”
Well, that hits the spot. I tried not to cringe. Uruha had never used cynicism to hurt me, but now that he did, I began to think he was actually very talented at it.
“Okay, you have every right to say that,” I admitted. “I can apologize a million times but I know… I know I won’t be able to undo what I’ve already done.”
“No, no you won’t…” Uruha laughed. There was more pain in his laughter rather than amusement. “But sure, why not? Let me hear you try. Explain to me… explain to me about your-” he looked over his shoulder to the direction of where Yuu had just disappeared to. “-your beloved Shiroyama Yuu, and what sort of perverted relationship you have with him.”
I gritted my teeth. There’s no easy way to do this, so let’s just do it.
“The photos,” I began. “I’ve no doubt that you’ve seen them. I won’t waste your time by denying that none of that ever happened. Yes, I’ve slept with Yuu. I won’t go into the details, but if you ask how long this has been going on… I’d say for a while already; ever since Yuu came into my life around a year ago.
“I was lonely, Uruha. I was very lonely, and I had no one in the house I could talk to. Dad hated me, Mom was distancing herself away from me, and Yutaka was busy with work. The whole situation was driving me insane and the worst part was I couldn’t do anything about it. I couldn’t complain. I couldn’t runaway even though I was desperate to.
“When Yuu first showed up, I had no idea that any of this would take place. None of us had planned it, but one day we were alone in the house and it just… it just happened. I regretted that we had gone that far, but at the same time I also felt like somehow I had discovered a way to stop being lonely and angry even if it was only momentary. So I took whatever option I had, even though it was perverted-”
“Perverted? It was sick, Ruki!” Uruha shook his head in disbelief. “He’s your uncle!”
“Yes, I was perfectly aware of that,” I sighed. “I knew it was wrong, and I was so scared someone might find out… But then it turned out to be a very effective distraction. Whenever I met up with Yuu, I could stop thinking about Mom or Dad or all kinds of horror I had to deal with in the house. And for that reason alone, I kept coming back to him. But the guilt never subsided, believe me. It was constantly here, inside my head. But I didn’t have any other way…”
“Yes you did!”
I had no chance to take a step back before Uruha seized me, grabbing my shoulder and pulled me close. All of a sudden our faces were only inches apart. It was disturbing to realize how awful Uruha’s wrath looked like in close-up view; his contorted facial muscles, his grimace, and his blazing eyes. I felt an urge to push him away but I ignored it, knowing that if I did that I would only hurt him even more.
“Yes you did, Ruki,” Uruha repeated. “You had another way to get rid of your loneliness. You had me. Wasn’t I always there by your side? Why couldn’t you come and talk to me?”
I couldn’t help but notice the drastic change of tone that Uruha was using. Earlier he had sounded so upset, so uncharacteristically cynical, but now he sounded desperate. I hated to admit it but I thought I knew where this conversation was going to lead.
“I’ve always been there for you, haven’t I?” he continued; his clutch on my shoulder began to hurt, but I struggled not to flinch. “I would have listened to you, whatever you wanted to tell me. You said you were lonely? I would have been your most faithful company if you had come to me. And I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t have tried to use you like he did-”
“Uruha, he wasn’t using me,” I stepped back from him, trying to shake loose his hold on me. “You don’t understand…”
“Then make me understand!” Instead of releasing me, Uruha pulled me forward until I tumbled into his hold. His breath was hot against my nape; his arms were caging me tightly. “Please, Ruki. I love you. I’ll do anything for you.”
I clenched my eyes closed. I had heard him telling me those words before, but to bring this up again now when the situation had turned out to be like this just seemed so cruel. What was he expecting me to say? What could I possibly say to appease him?
“Don’t leave me,” Uruha asked me. “Stay with me and I’ll make sure you won’t have to suffer anymore in the future.”
I almost laughed at Uruha’s offer. I didn’t mean to be rude, but the promise he made sounded too farfetched for me right now. What did Uruha know about the future? Did he see a bright, cheerful scene where he would live happily ever after with me? Was he thinking that it would be that easy, that simple?
“You don’t know what you’re saying, Uruha,” I said, trying to pull myself out of his grasp.
Instead of backing away, Uruha clutched me even tighter. “You can count on me,” he continued trying to convince me. “I can be more than that man has ever been to you. I can make you happy. I can give you anything you want.”
Anything I want? Are you even aware of what that means, Uruha?
As if on cue, all of a sudden Yuu’s words resounded in my head. ‘Love is about having the courage to give up what you have, whatever it takes to ensure your loved one’s happiness.’ It sounded ironically appropriate regarding this circumstance I was in right now. Last night Yuu had made himself clear about what his choice was, now what about Uruha? What would he say once I popped up the question?
It was inevitable now. I knew he would find it unfair that I was forcing him to choose, but the situation had become quite urgent for me to ask. I didn’t mean this to be some kind of a test to find out who loved me the most, and I hated to have to compare two of the most important people in my life. But this was a crucial step that I had to take if I wanted to be sure about my own feelings.
Unfortunately, understanding the importance of the question didn’t make asking it out loud any easier. I figured going straight into the point would be best; no pointless distractions, no adlib nonsense-just plain and harsh fact.
“Uruha, you said you’ll give me anything I want. Just how serious were you exactly when you said that?” I looked up at him straight in the eye. “Will you give up whatever it takes to make me happy?”
“What-what do you mean?” Uruha didn’t seem to understand my question, or maybe he wasn’t expecting me to ask him this so suddenly.
“What I’m saying is, when you love someone you have to sacrifice some of the most important things in your life-I’m not talking about money or anything trivial like that. I’m talking about the crucial things that you’ve always held dear,” I explained, trying to quote Yuu’s words without making myself sound stupid. “What if… what if there is a cost that you must pay in change of your feelings for me? What if it means you have to give up on, let’s say, this school?”
Uruha scoffed. “That can easily be arranged.”
I exhaled in annoyance. “Well, what if you have to give up on your family? I’m sorry if this sounds cruel, but let’s face it; your parents won’t be happy if they find out their son is in love with another boy. And what if…” I paused to observe the change that was happening on Uruha’s expression. “What if, for the sake of making me happy, you have to let me go…?”
I could see that my words were affecting him in not such a pleasant way. Grief was taking over his whole expression; I knew deep inside he was starting to think about the consequences that he had to deal with if he insisted to choose me. I didn’t mean to hurt him any further but I couldn’t just let him remain ignorant. He had so many things to lose, most importantly his family-parents who loved him so much, sisters and nephews who were very proud of him. He was smart and a naturally multitalented person; he could go to some prestigious college once he graduated high school. He had a bright future ahead of him. He could be whatever he dreamed to be, and lead a successful life in the future. I had no right to take those away from him. I wasn’t worth the sacrifice.
On the contrary, I was doomed from the start. I wasn’t born to live like a millionaire or an idol. I didn’t have any specific dream; or if I had one, no one would support me to reach it. Dad had laughed at me when I told him once that I wanted to go to college and study literature-I don’t think he ever suspected I would survive this far through high school. And Mom… well if she had been able to free herself from Dad, I might have been able to achieve something important. But there’s no way to be sure about that.
No one could enjoy living day by day being so desperate, but then I couldn’t choose what kind of life I was born into. I had long accepted what was in store for me-which wasn’t much, but I thought if I could just live well by myself, then it was enough.
It made me sad to think about Uruha’s future because I knew I wouldn’t be there beside him. The difference between us was too big to cross.
“It doesn’t have to be like that,” Uruha spoke up after a while; I couldn’t help but notice how feeble his voice sounded now compared to the fervent way he had been speaking earlier. “We can still be happy without either of us throwing away anything in our lives. I can-I can explain to my parents. They will understand somehow, I know they will-”
“Listen to me, Uruha,” I cut him off. “You can’t expect other people to understand this situation. Look at me, for God’s sake. The entire school has seen me having sex with a teacher, and now I have gotten myself expelled. What will your parents say once they find out about this? I’m not sure they will even let you hang around me too often anymore.”
“I’ll tell them that it doesn’t matter! It’s none of their business anyway!”
“But your wellbeing is their business!” I pulled myself away from his grip. Why was he being so stubborn? Was he so blinded by his feelings that he failed to see the logic in this matter? “Let’s say I do choose you; will you be able to live with the guilt of breaking your parents’ hearts? Will you still be able to face them? Did you think they would simply smile and let their son have his way despite knowing he was only ruining his own life?”
I felt my eyes stinging from the heat of my tears that were threatening to fall, my chest hurting from the pressure, but I struggled to shake the feeling off. It was now or never, I told myself. Uruha needed to know what kind of shit he was trying to get himself into.
“People will judge, Uruha,” I continued. “It’s inevitable. It’s the way the world goes. They will stare and they will comment and it won’t be nice. You can’t expect everyone to immediately approve your decision, however crucial it seems to you. If you think it over, you’ll understand what I’m saying. You’ll see that I’m not worth destroying your future.”
I took Uruha’s hand and held it gently. I could hardly look into those eyes; there was too much pain in them. And when I realized that I was the cause of the pain that he was suffering, it became even more difficult to keep standing here in front of him trying to appease him.
Oh God, what has happened to us…?
Why did it have to come to this? What had happened to the friendship we once had? I used to believe that it would persevere no matter what, but look at where we were now. I was struggling as hard as I could to clutch on this very frail remaining piece of thread that bonded us together, while Uruha was persistently tearing it apart.
Uruha was quiet but the look on his face spoke more than I could handle. I wished he wasn’t making it so hard, harder than it already was.
“I love you, Uruha,” I said, my voice quivering. “I love you, but it’s not the kind of love you ask from me. I love you like a friend, like a brother, and I wish you felt the same. I wish that this relationship was not so complicated, so even if…” I choked, but I fought off the pressure building up inside of me and forced myself to continue. “So even if I had to say goodbye to you today, I wouldn’t be leaving with a heavy heart knowing we’d meet again one day… as good friends.”
“No…” Uruha whimpered. He probably could guess what I was trying to say. “No Ruki, please don’t say that… Please stay…”
“I’m sorry, but I have to go,” I whispered; tears were clinging on the edge, seconds away from spilling forth. I didn’t want to cry in front of Uruha, so I held them back. If this was supposed to be my last conversation I was meant to have with Uruha, I would like to end it with a smile as a form of gratitude or some sort for the friendship and trust that he had given me all along.
“You have to let me go, Uruha. Let me go, just like I’m letting you go. That’s how much I love you, the true depth of my feelings for you. I’m leaving for your own good. I’m leaving so you can find your own happiness. I can’t stay and be an obstacle in your path; you have to find a way to keep walking without me as I will try to find my own way to continue without you. It will be hard, I know. My heart is breaking as well. It hurts for now and maybe for many days ahead, but one day you’ll understand my reasons.”
A sob stole its way out of my mouth. I gulped, urging myself to go on, get to the hardest part before I lost all my courage.
“Goodbye, Uruha-Kouyou, my best friend,” I murmured weakly. “You’re a blessing in my life for which I am grateful. Thank you for everything, for being there beside me when the rest of the world shuns me away.”
My chest hurt. My head was spinning. Go on, Takanori. It’s for the best, you know it.
“I’ll always pray for you, it’s the least that I can do,” I continued. “One day you will find someone who is truly worthy of your love, someone who is meant for you and fully devoted to you-someone you can be proud of. I will be smiling when that day comes. I will congratulate you and you will show me that stupid grin of yours, and you will be glad that you’ve finally found your perfect, special someone. When that day comes I will be smiling because I know my best friend is happy, just like I want him to be.”
I forced my lips to stretch into a smile hoping that it didn’t look awkward.
“See you again, Uruha. Take good care of yourself.”
I pulled my hand from his grasp and walked away, shutting my eyes and ears. I refused to listen to Uruha’s pleas; I shrugged off his hand when he tried to stop me. I had made my choice-not the easiest one, but probably the best for both of us.
My steps brought me further and further away from Uruha. I strutted as fast as my legs could go, walking away from the school building. The sunlight outside was bright but all I could see was a blurry, incomprehensible landscape. Tears were now streaming down my face uncontrollably. It was all I could do to force myself to keep walking and never look back.
Uruha’s voice was getting fainter by the second. I could no longer hear him once I reached the front gate, but I knew the memory of his pained face was forever etched into my mind.
I ran across the street to Yuu’s car and quickly got in, smashing the door in my wake. Yuu must be watching me crying buckets of tears; he must be listening to my choked sobs, but whatever he was thinking, he said nothing.
“Let’s go,” I said not looking at him.
The car immediately revved to life and, minutes later, we were on our way discarding the life that we once knew to head toward an unclear destination.
~ TO BE CONTINUED ~
A/N:Poor Uruha. Believe me, I do feel sorry for the guy. But considering his choices, don't you also agree that it's for the best?
Well. Only 2 more chapters left (and there's gonna be a side story I think...). See you soon! ^^
Previous:
[ Chapter 01 ] [ Chapter 02 ] [ Chapter 03 ] [ Chapter 04 ] [ Chapter 05 ] [ Chapter 06 ] [ Chapter 07-a ] [ Chapter 07-b ] [ Chapter 08 ] [ Chapter 09 ] [ Chapter 10 ] [ Chapter 11 ] [ Chapter 12 ] [ Chapter 13 ] [ Chapter 14 ] [ Chapter 15 ] [ Chapter 16 ] [ Chapter 17 ] [ Chapter 18 ] [ Chapter 19 ] [ Chapter 20 ] [ Chapter 21 ]
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Chapter: 22/24
Author: akichuu
Fandom: the GazettE
Pairing: AoixRuki, RukixAoi, UruhaxRuki
Rating: R
Genre: AU (highschool), angst
Warnings: Yaoi, (slight) pedophilia, incestuous relationship, domestic abuse, possible violence. Not comfortable with those issues? Save yourselves and DON'T read this. I'm serious.
Disclaimer: Title is taken from 30 Seconds to Mars's song, Beautiful Lie. the GazettE belongs to themselves and, yes, the Almighty PSC. I, well I own this story. It's fiction, meaning IT'S NOT REAL and I'm making no profit from it (except my 15 minutes of fame). Yes, mind that.
Beta: izumi_luvsjrock. Thank you~ ♥ I kept on torturing you with these updates XD
Summary: He was an outcast, an unwanted child that was thrown away, even by his own family. He was taught by life not to trust anyone, especially those who came to him offering the thing called 'love'. 'Love' was just a small part of his dream, and dreams, as far as he knew, weren't real and could never be real.
In this case, Shiroyama Yuu was definitely not an exception.
Comment: Goodbye means goodbye.
Beautiful Lie [to Believe in]
Chapter 22
“Takanori, stop for a second!”
Yuu’s voice and the hard tug on my hand finally put a stop to my hurried steps. I was panting, and it was only then that I noticed where we were. We had reached the shoe-locker room on the first floor a few meters away from the front entrance. The room was dim with only the sunlight streaming through the door allowing me to see my surrounding. Shadows casted by rows and rows of lockers hovered over us, inevitably giving me the shivers. I didn’t know if it was some kind of an ill omen or something, but all I wanted was to get the hell out of this place-out of this school, for good.
I turned around and was immediately met with Yuu’s confused glare. There were hundreds of questions that needed answers in those eyes; I could see them clearly. I would hate to disappoint Yuu by not giving him the explanations he needed, but I wished he would have waited until we got home. He could ask me anything he wanted, anything at all, and I would give him all the answers if possible but later once we’re safely home. Spending another minute here felt so wrong, especially after what we had gone through in the Headmaster’s office.
Yuu took a deep breath before he popped his question, which I’m sure would only be the first of many. “What exactly do you think you’re doing?”
Yes, Takanori, what exactly do you think you’re doing?
Believe it or not, I had been asking myself the same question ever since we walked out of the Headmaster’s office. What was I doing? Was I aware of what kind of trouble I had created for the both of us? Was I even thinking straight?
In order to answer all those questions, and many other questions that were waiting to be asked out loud, I would have to self-analyze; draw theories and make assumptions which would probably take forever. Unfortunately, right now we didn’t have forever.
“I’m getting us out of here,” I finally said, hoping Yuu would understand the meaning behind my short answer and not ask another question.
“You’re insane, do you know that? You’ll be sorry soon enough,” he said, but the look on his face failed to make his threat sound convincing. His lips were stretched into a smile and I could see a sparkle in his eyes. I dare say that he was actually happy that I had gone insane and gotten us both expelled from school.
“Thank you, Takanori. Thank you for all those things you said back there. And thank you for not giving up on me when you had the chance to.”
Something clenched around my heart at hearing his words of gratitude. I hadn’t been able to fathom how deep the scar that his previous love, Kazuki, had left in his heart. But now seeing the relieved expression he had on his face, I understood to some level the fear of rejection and abandonment that he must have felt. How ironic could life be? You’d think a man wouldn’t fall into the same hole twice, but Yuu actually went through the same ordeal that he had already experienced in the past. I had no idea how he managed to risk his heart again after having it torn apart once; but then I guess I would never be able to understand just how deep his feelings really were for me.
Imagine how he would feel if only I had gone along with whatever the Headmaster had wanted me to do; imagine the pain… Staring at the expression he was wearing now, I was honestly glad I hadn’t put him through a second heartbreak.
“Yeah well,” I said sheepishly. “School sucks anyway.”
It was an easy choice to make, Yuu. Did you think I would leave you alone and choose a restricted kind of life in this school instead?
I didn’t have a future in this school-I had probably realized it for a long time already. I wasn’t going to continue studying here until it was time for the exams. I wasn’t going to graduate and become one of the school’s graduates. I would have flunked out of school; if not today, then someday soon.
“Come on, let’s go home.” I laced my fingers between Yuu’s and tugged gently. He smiled, and I couldn’t help but feel warm inside. It’s over now, I thought. We’re getting out of here. It’s all over now.
I hadn’t even gone further than a couple of steps away from our initial spot when I heard noises-footsteps. Someone was here in the same room with us and whoever it was, this person was approaching us. I froze, unconsciously holding my breath. Who was it? Was it a teacher or one of the students?
The silhouette of the uninvited visitor emerged from between the lockers ahead of us blocking the light so that I couldn’t see the person’s face. But as he came closer, step by step, I began to recognize him.
My heart throbbed painfully inside my chest as I acknowledged my potentially ex-best friend. “Uruha.” The name slithered on the surface of my tongue, tasting like acid. It was burning me painfully.
Uruha stepped closer and I almost averted my gaze from the anger displayed so harshly on his face. He hadn’t said a word, but I didn’t think he had to; I could read everything on his face, in his eyes, and in the stiff posture of his whole body. All those accusations and words of reproach were bubbling inside of him, waiting to be let out. Disappointment, fury, disgust-every single emotion was showing on his face unrestrainedly.
“Well, well.” Uruha stood a couple of feet away from me; his posture was tense with hands jammed deep inside his pockets. I imagined they were curled in tight fists while he held back the urge to beat me up. Instead of feeling worried that I might walk out of here looking like a car crash victim, I actually wished he would just let his anger loose-make a pulp out of me-and get it over with; the sooner the better.
I sighed, silently cursing both my fate and my stupidity. How could I forget about Uruha? What had happened in the Headmaster’s office had taken up all my focus that I had forgotten about the most crucial matter of all: Uruha. The entire school might despise me, the Headmaster might get me expelled-none of those mattered much. The fear of being hated by Uruha was worse than anything else I could imagine.
Suddenly the weight of Yuu’s hand in my grip felt more prominent than before. I realized that Uruha was staring at us, at how our hands were joined. It hadn’t felt awkward before, but right now I was adding salt water to both Uruha’s and Yuu’s wounds by doing this. Reluctantly I turned to Yuu, swallowed my discomfort, and spoke up.
“Will you wait for me in the car, Yuu?” I asked of him. “I need to talk to Uruha.”
Yuu’s expression seemed cool and collected, but I knew better than to expect him to feel okay about this. His eyes darted from me to Uruha, and back to me. For a moment I thought I saw something in his eyes-what was that? Was it sadness…? Or was it hopelessness? I had the oddest feeling that Yuu was staring at me like he was waiting for me to tell him to go ahead and leave me behind.
But before long he nodded and, without a word, let go of my hand and walked away. I felt a great urge to reach out and pull him back-I needed the strength that his presence could give me, I needed him. But then I knew if I did that I would be selfish. I couldn’t possibly let Yuu wait for me here; listening to this conversation I would be having with Uruha.
I don’t know what the outcome will be, Yuu. It all depends on this conversation that Uruha and I are about to have. But one thing’s for sure, I wouldn’t have asked you to wait for me if I thought I would just ditch you.
Reluctantly I looked away from Yuu’s retreating back; my conscience felt heavy with uncertainties. The look I found on Uruha’s face didn’t help much. If anything, it only made me want to run following Yuu’s path and get the hell out of here. It seemed like the easiest thing to do considering the situation, but then I looked at where I had ended now; all these consequences I was facing. Wasn’t this the repercussion of me running away from problems? If I ran away again now wouldn’t there be an even worse consequence for me to deal with sometimes in the future?
I braced myself with whatever strength I had left and tried to console myself. At least when this was all over, I no longer had to live in lies. All my secrets had been laid out in the open; I had nothing left to hide. This wound was already bleeding. Another stab of a knife wouldn’t make much of a difference.
“Uruha,” I spoke up. “I owe you tons of apology… and an explanation.”
“I suppose you do,” Uruha replied. I hated the almost nonchalant tone in his voice. I would rather he shouted and called me names; at least that way I knew he was letting out his anger instead of holding it down. “Although I’m not sure if you won’t just make up another excuse,” he continued, “Or lies.”
Well, that hits the spot. I tried not to cringe. Uruha had never used cynicism to hurt me, but now that he did, I began to think he was actually very talented at it.
“Okay, you have every right to say that,” I admitted. “I can apologize a million times but I know… I know I won’t be able to undo what I’ve already done.”
“No, no you won’t…” Uruha laughed. There was more pain in his laughter rather than amusement. “But sure, why not? Let me hear you try. Explain to me… explain to me about your-” he looked over his shoulder to the direction of where Yuu had just disappeared to. “-your beloved Shiroyama Yuu, and what sort of perverted relationship you have with him.”
I gritted my teeth. There’s no easy way to do this, so let’s just do it.
“The photos,” I began. “I’ve no doubt that you’ve seen them. I won’t waste your time by denying that none of that ever happened. Yes, I’ve slept with Yuu. I won’t go into the details, but if you ask how long this has been going on… I’d say for a while already; ever since Yuu came into my life around a year ago.
“I was lonely, Uruha. I was very lonely, and I had no one in the house I could talk to. Dad hated me, Mom was distancing herself away from me, and Yutaka was busy with work. The whole situation was driving me insane and the worst part was I couldn’t do anything about it. I couldn’t complain. I couldn’t runaway even though I was desperate to.
“When Yuu first showed up, I had no idea that any of this would take place. None of us had planned it, but one day we were alone in the house and it just… it just happened. I regretted that we had gone that far, but at the same time I also felt like somehow I had discovered a way to stop being lonely and angry even if it was only momentary. So I took whatever option I had, even though it was perverted-”
“Perverted? It was sick, Ruki!” Uruha shook his head in disbelief. “He’s your uncle!”
“Yes, I was perfectly aware of that,” I sighed. “I knew it was wrong, and I was so scared someone might find out… But then it turned out to be a very effective distraction. Whenever I met up with Yuu, I could stop thinking about Mom or Dad or all kinds of horror I had to deal with in the house. And for that reason alone, I kept coming back to him. But the guilt never subsided, believe me. It was constantly here, inside my head. But I didn’t have any other way…”
“Yes you did!”
I had no chance to take a step back before Uruha seized me, grabbing my shoulder and pulled me close. All of a sudden our faces were only inches apart. It was disturbing to realize how awful Uruha’s wrath looked like in close-up view; his contorted facial muscles, his grimace, and his blazing eyes. I felt an urge to push him away but I ignored it, knowing that if I did that I would only hurt him even more.
“Yes you did, Ruki,” Uruha repeated. “You had another way to get rid of your loneliness. You had me. Wasn’t I always there by your side? Why couldn’t you come and talk to me?”
I couldn’t help but notice the drastic change of tone that Uruha was using. Earlier he had sounded so upset, so uncharacteristically cynical, but now he sounded desperate. I hated to admit it but I thought I knew where this conversation was going to lead.
“I’ve always been there for you, haven’t I?” he continued; his clutch on my shoulder began to hurt, but I struggled not to flinch. “I would have listened to you, whatever you wanted to tell me. You said you were lonely? I would have been your most faithful company if you had come to me. And I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t have tried to use you like he did-”
“Uruha, he wasn’t using me,” I stepped back from him, trying to shake loose his hold on me. “You don’t understand…”
“Then make me understand!” Instead of releasing me, Uruha pulled me forward until I tumbled into his hold. His breath was hot against my nape; his arms were caging me tightly. “Please, Ruki. I love you. I’ll do anything for you.”
I clenched my eyes closed. I had heard him telling me those words before, but to bring this up again now when the situation had turned out to be like this just seemed so cruel. What was he expecting me to say? What could I possibly say to appease him?
“Don’t leave me,” Uruha asked me. “Stay with me and I’ll make sure you won’t have to suffer anymore in the future.”
I almost laughed at Uruha’s offer. I didn’t mean to be rude, but the promise he made sounded too farfetched for me right now. What did Uruha know about the future? Did he see a bright, cheerful scene where he would live happily ever after with me? Was he thinking that it would be that easy, that simple?
“You don’t know what you’re saying, Uruha,” I said, trying to pull myself out of his grasp.
Instead of backing away, Uruha clutched me even tighter. “You can count on me,” he continued trying to convince me. “I can be more than that man has ever been to you. I can make you happy. I can give you anything you want.”
Anything I want? Are you even aware of what that means, Uruha?
As if on cue, all of a sudden Yuu’s words resounded in my head. ‘Love is about having the courage to give up what you have, whatever it takes to ensure your loved one’s happiness.’ It sounded ironically appropriate regarding this circumstance I was in right now. Last night Yuu had made himself clear about what his choice was, now what about Uruha? What would he say once I popped up the question?
It was inevitable now. I knew he would find it unfair that I was forcing him to choose, but the situation had become quite urgent for me to ask. I didn’t mean this to be some kind of a test to find out who loved me the most, and I hated to have to compare two of the most important people in my life. But this was a crucial step that I had to take if I wanted to be sure about my own feelings.
Unfortunately, understanding the importance of the question didn’t make asking it out loud any easier. I figured going straight into the point would be best; no pointless distractions, no adlib nonsense-just plain and harsh fact.
“Uruha, you said you’ll give me anything I want. Just how serious were you exactly when you said that?” I looked up at him straight in the eye. “Will you give up whatever it takes to make me happy?”
“What-what do you mean?” Uruha didn’t seem to understand my question, or maybe he wasn’t expecting me to ask him this so suddenly.
“What I’m saying is, when you love someone you have to sacrifice some of the most important things in your life-I’m not talking about money or anything trivial like that. I’m talking about the crucial things that you’ve always held dear,” I explained, trying to quote Yuu’s words without making myself sound stupid. “What if… what if there is a cost that you must pay in change of your feelings for me? What if it means you have to give up on, let’s say, this school?”
Uruha scoffed. “That can easily be arranged.”
I exhaled in annoyance. “Well, what if you have to give up on your family? I’m sorry if this sounds cruel, but let’s face it; your parents won’t be happy if they find out their son is in love with another boy. And what if…” I paused to observe the change that was happening on Uruha’s expression. “What if, for the sake of making me happy, you have to let me go…?”
I could see that my words were affecting him in not such a pleasant way. Grief was taking over his whole expression; I knew deep inside he was starting to think about the consequences that he had to deal with if he insisted to choose me. I didn’t mean to hurt him any further but I couldn’t just let him remain ignorant. He had so many things to lose, most importantly his family-parents who loved him so much, sisters and nephews who were very proud of him. He was smart and a naturally multitalented person; he could go to some prestigious college once he graduated high school. He had a bright future ahead of him. He could be whatever he dreamed to be, and lead a successful life in the future. I had no right to take those away from him. I wasn’t worth the sacrifice.
On the contrary, I was doomed from the start. I wasn’t born to live like a millionaire or an idol. I didn’t have any specific dream; or if I had one, no one would support me to reach it. Dad had laughed at me when I told him once that I wanted to go to college and study literature-I don’t think he ever suspected I would survive this far through high school. And Mom… well if she had been able to free herself from Dad, I might have been able to achieve something important. But there’s no way to be sure about that.
No one could enjoy living day by day being so desperate, but then I couldn’t choose what kind of life I was born into. I had long accepted what was in store for me-which wasn’t much, but I thought if I could just live well by myself, then it was enough.
It made me sad to think about Uruha’s future because I knew I wouldn’t be there beside him. The difference between us was too big to cross.
“It doesn’t have to be like that,” Uruha spoke up after a while; I couldn’t help but notice how feeble his voice sounded now compared to the fervent way he had been speaking earlier. “We can still be happy without either of us throwing away anything in our lives. I can-I can explain to my parents. They will understand somehow, I know they will-”
“Listen to me, Uruha,” I cut him off. “You can’t expect other people to understand this situation. Look at me, for God’s sake. The entire school has seen me having sex with a teacher, and now I have gotten myself expelled. What will your parents say once they find out about this? I’m not sure they will even let you hang around me too often anymore.”
“I’ll tell them that it doesn’t matter! It’s none of their business anyway!”
“But your wellbeing is their business!” I pulled myself away from his grip. Why was he being so stubborn? Was he so blinded by his feelings that he failed to see the logic in this matter? “Let’s say I do choose you; will you be able to live with the guilt of breaking your parents’ hearts? Will you still be able to face them? Did you think they would simply smile and let their son have his way despite knowing he was only ruining his own life?”
I felt my eyes stinging from the heat of my tears that were threatening to fall, my chest hurting from the pressure, but I struggled to shake the feeling off. It was now or never, I told myself. Uruha needed to know what kind of shit he was trying to get himself into.
“People will judge, Uruha,” I continued. “It’s inevitable. It’s the way the world goes. They will stare and they will comment and it won’t be nice. You can’t expect everyone to immediately approve your decision, however crucial it seems to you. If you think it over, you’ll understand what I’m saying. You’ll see that I’m not worth destroying your future.”
I took Uruha’s hand and held it gently. I could hardly look into those eyes; there was too much pain in them. And when I realized that I was the cause of the pain that he was suffering, it became even more difficult to keep standing here in front of him trying to appease him.
Oh God, what has happened to us…?
Why did it have to come to this? What had happened to the friendship we once had? I used to believe that it would persevere no matter what, but look at where we were now. I was struggling as hard as I could to clutch on this very frail remaining piece of thread that bonded us together, while Uruha was persistently tearing it apart.
Uruha was quiet but the look on his face spoke more than I could handle. I wished he wasn’t making it so hard, harder than it already was.
“I love you, Uruha,” I said, my voice quivering. “I love you, but it’s not the kind of love you ask from me. I love you like a friend, like a brother, and I wish you felt the same. I wish that this relationship was not so complicated, so even if…” I choked, but I fought off the pressure building up inside of me and forced myself to continue. “So even if I had to say goodbye to you today, I wouldn’t be leaving with a heavy heart knowing we’d meet again one day… as good friends.”
“No…” Uruha whimpered. He probably could guess what I was trying to say. “No Ruki, please don’t say that… Please stay…”
“I’m sorry, but I have to go,” I whispered; tears were clinging on the edge, seconds away from spilling forth. I didn’t want to cry in front of Uruha, so I held them back. If this was supposed to be my last conversation I was meant to have with Uruha, I would like to end it with a smile as a form of gratitude or some sort for the friendship and trust that he had given me all along.
“You have to let me go, Uruha. Let me go, just like I’m letting you go. That’s how much I love you, the true depth of my feelings for you. I’m leaving for your own good. I’m leaving so you can find your own happiness. I can’t stay and be an obstacle in your path; you have to find a way to keep walking without me as I will try to find my own way to continue without you. It will be hard, I know. My heart is breaking as well. It hurts for now and maybe for many days ahead, but one day you’ll understand my reasons.”
A sob stole its way out of my mouth. I gulped, urging myself to go on, get to the hardest part before I lost all my courage.
“Goodbye, Uruha-Kouyou, my best friend,” I murmured weakly. “You’re a blessing in my life for which I am grateful. Thank you for everything, for being there beside me when the rest of the world shuns me away.”
My chest hurt. My head was spinning. Go on, Takanori. It’s for the best, you know it.
“I’ll always pray for you, it’s the least that I can do,” I continued. “One day you will find someone who is truly worthy of your love, someone who is meant for you and fully devoted to you-someone you can be proud of. I will be smiling when that day comes. I will congratulate you and you will show me that stupid grin of yours, and you will be glad that you’ve finally found your perfect, special someone. When that day comes I will be smiling because I know my best friend is happy, just like I want him to be.”
I forced my lips to stretch into a smile hoping that it didn’t look awkward.
“See you again, Uruha. Take good care of yourself.”
I pulled my hand from his grasp and walked away, shutting my eyes and ears. I refused to listen to Uruha’s pleas; I shrugged off his hand when he tried to stop me. I had made my choice-not the easiest one, but probably the best for both of us.
My steps brought me further and further away from Uruha. I strutted as fast as my legs could go, walking away from the school building. The sunlight outside was bright but all I could see was a blurry, incomprehensible landscape. Tears were now streaming down my face uncontrollably. It was all I could do to force myself to keep walking and never look back.
Uruha’s voice was getting fainter by the second. I could no longer hear him once I reached the front gate, but I knew the memory of his pained face was forever etched into my mind.
I ran across the street to Yuu’s car and quickly got in, smashing the door in my wake. Yuu must be watching me crying buckets of tears; he must be listening to my choked sobs, but whatever he was thinking, he said nothing.
“Let’s go,” I said not looking at him.
The car immediately revved to life and, minutes later, we were on our way discarding the life that we once knew to head toward an unclear destination.
~ TO BE CONTINUED ~
A/N:Poor Uruha. Believe me, I do feel sorry for the guy. But considering his choices, don't you also agree that it's for the best?
Well. Only 2 more chapters left (and there's gonna be a side story I think...). See you soon! ^^
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[ Chapter 01 ] [ Chapter 02 ] [ Chapter 03 ] [ Chapter 04 ] [ Chapter 05 ] [ Chapter 06 ] [ Chapter 07-a ] [ Chapter 07-b ] [ Chapter 08 ] [ Chapter 09 ] [ Chapter 10 ] [ Chapter 11 ] [ Chapter 12 ] [ Chapter 13 ] [ Chapter 14 ] [ Chapter 15 ] [ Chapter 16 ] [ Chapter 17 ] [ Chapter 18 ] [ Chapter 19 ] [ Chapter 20 ] [ Chapter 21 ]
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