Things are looking up. (Relatively)
It's three in the morning and I feel like writing. Okay then.
The past few months, needless to say, have been depressing, crazy, confusing, and stressful as all hell. I haven't written much about my latest decisions regarding my life and my college-related decisions. As of right now I'm nearly 100% positive that I won't be returning to Eckerd after this semester. It's too expensive for me to be there not enjoying it. I have to get through this semester because a) we already paid for it; b) it's too late to immediately transfer anywhere else; c) I can rack up some more credits; and d) I don't want to just drop out for a semester. I want to give Eckerd the respect it deserves by going to the faculty and administration in person and discussing with them in detail my issues with the school and the programs. I want to end my time there on as high of a note as possible.
That being said, I feel I should create a clear and concise outline of what about Eckerd doesn't fit with me:
- It's way too small. As inclined as I was to be at a small school when I was applying to colleges last year, I've discovered that there is such a thing as too small for me. I feel like I'm not a part of a living community; it's more like i'm at summer camp. The campus is too small and too plain.
- I'm not all that excited about the the area I'm living in. Florida in general is conservative and culturally dry (to my tastes) and runs on tourism, real estate and entertainment. As much as I love the ocean, it's not doing much for me other than just being there. Eckerd is on the Gulf of Mexico by the Tampa Bay and to put it bluntly, the little beaches on campus are gross and the water is not suitable for swimming at all. There is a beach nearby - Ft. DeSoto - but it's always crowded with people and it's gulf water so it's hardly refreshing.
- The campus is rather closed off from the rest of the city itself. I'll have a car this semester so hopefully that will help with this, but it just feels like when I'm on campus I'm in a little, claustrophobic cut-off world. In my darkest hours of depression it felt like prison.
-The music program leaves much to be desired. And that's putting it nicely. The faculty are changing around constantly, especially the private instrumental teachers, which creates confusion and insecurity. For example, my piano teacher suddenly decided to resign this semester without telling me. He had a hard year with his father passing away so I understand that, but come on. He couldn't shoot me an email? This also means that the choir will have a new accompanist. Right before we're supposed to perform.
Speaking of choir. I could probably go on for hours (verbally, of course). I'm just going to grab this opportunity to vent and be completely honest.
First of all, the director, while he knows what he's doing, is a tyrannical perfectionist and control freak. He gets very mad easily and expects us all to be perfect and live up to his expectations completely. The quality of his direction however, is hardly perfect!!!! (At least compared to what I've experienced before). I'm very thankful for my past experiences and development in choral music because otherwise I wouldn't have survived on his instruction alone. My fellow choirmates are talented, wonderful people, for sure, but what makes choir so unbearable is the director. He's not someone I can talk to, someone I feel like I have fun with, someone I feel like really understands the joy of sharing music. The choir would be better if it was bigger, as well, but that problem is just due to how small Eckerd is. I'm not proud to be in this choir. It's mediocre. I knew that when I came to this college, thinking my love of music would overcome my need for a quality musical experience. But thinking about it more and more, why should I force myself to settle for mediocrity when I definitely earned my place in a top-performing college choir? 10 years in what is arguably one of, if not THE best youth choir ensembles in the nation trained me for WAYYY more than this. Plus, being in this sort of choir is not making me happy and is not a fun experience. So basically, it's taking it all and giving me nothing. Except friends. Few, but they're there. I am thankful for that.
-Eckerd's art program is good but there are (as I've said before) better artistic institutions out there that are cheaper and in areas more suited to my style. I've been realizing that an urban campus, one set in a city, with plenty of art, music, culture, shopping, and DAMN, just things to SEE and DO, and places to WALK TO, and people to see. Chicago, for instance, fits this description. So does NYC, but man I think that would be too much for me. St. Louis is another possibility, but I would most certainly NOT live at home. My mother and I would kill each other. LOL
I've realized, that with all of my heart, I want to study art. Possibly music on the side. I'll definitely stay involved in quality ensembles. I've wanted to be an artist since I was a kid. I can't believe I ever tried to deny that and pursue something else. Well this is where I am turning things around. I'm finished living for my illusion of what others expect out of me and what I "expect" of myself. I'm going to live my life as I want it. Which means I'm transferring to a new school, possibly an art school such as Columbia College Chicago. I'm very happy with this plan.
Now I can't wait for my future!!!!!!
The past few months, needless to say, have been depressing, crazy, confusing, and stressful as all hell. I haven't written much about my latest decisions regarding my life and my college-related decisions. As of right now I'm nearly 100% positive that I won't be returning to Eckerd after this semester. It's too expensive for me to be there not enjoying it. I have to get through this semester because a) we already paid for it; b) it's too late to immediately transfer anywhere else; c) I can rack up some more credits; and d) I don't want to just drop out for a semester. I want to give Eckerd the respect it deserves by going to the faculty and administration in person and discussing with them in detail my issues with the school and the programs. I want to end my time there on as high of a note as possible.
That being said, I feel I should create a clear and concise outline of what about Eckerd doesn't fit with me:
- It's way too small. As inclined as I was to be at a small school when I was applying to colleges last year, I've discovered that there is such a thing as too small for me. I feel like I'm not a part of a living community; it's more like i'm at summer camp. The campus is too small and too plain.
- I'm not all that excited about the the area I'm living in. Florida in general is conservative and culturally dry (to my tastes) and runs on tourism, real estate and entertainment. As much as I love the ocean, it's not doing much for me other than just being there. Eckerd is on the Gulf of Mexico by the Tampa Bay and to put it bluntly, the little beaches on campus are gross and the water is not suitable for swimming at all. There is a beach nearby - Ft. DeSoto - but it's always crowded with people and it's gulf water so it's hardly refreshing.
- The campus is rather closed off from the rest of the city itself. I'll have a car this semester so hopefully that will help with this, but it just feels like when I'm on campus I'm in a little, claustrophobic cut-off world. In my darkest hours of depression it felt like prison.
-The music program leaves much to be desired. And that's putting it nicely. The faculty are changing around constantly, especially the private instrumental teachers, which creates confusion and insecurity. For example, my piano teacher suddenly decided to resign this semester without telling me. He had a hard year with his father passing away so I understand that, but come on. He couldn't shoot me an email? This also means that the choir will have a new accompanist. Right before we're supposed to perform.
Speaking of choir. I could probably go on for hours (verbally, of course). I'm just going to grab this opportunity to vent and be completely honest.
First of all, the director, while he knows what he's doing, is a tyrannical perfectionist and control freak. He gets very mad easily and expects us all to be perfect and live up to his expectations completely. The quality of his direction however, is hardly perfect!!!! (At least compared to what I've experienced before). I'm very thankful for my past experiences and development in choral music because otherwise I wouldn't have survived on his instruction alone. My fellow choirmates are talented, wonderful people, for sure, but what makes choir so unbearable is the director. He's not someone I can talk to, someone I feel like I have fun with, someone I feel like really understands the joy of sharing music. The choir would be better if it was bigger, as well, but that problem is just due to how small Eckerd is. I'm not proud to be in this choir. It's mediocre. I knew that when I came to this college, thinking my love of music would overcome my need for a quality musical experience. But thinking about it more and more, why should I force myself to settle for mediocrity when I definitely earned my place in a top-performing college choir? 10 years in what is arguably one of, if not THE best youth choir ensembles in the nation trained me for WAYYY more than this. Plus, being in this sort of choir is not making me happy and is not a fun experience. So basically, it's taking it all and giving me nothing. Except friends. Few, but they're there. I am thankful for that.
-Eckerd's art program is good but there are (as I've said before) better artistic institutions out there that are cheaper and in areas more suited to my style. I've been realizing that an urban campus, one set in a city, with plenty of art, music, culture, shopping, and DAMN, just things to SEE and DO, and places to WALK TO, and people to see. Chicago, for instance, fits this description. So does NYC, but man I think that would be too much for me. St. Louis is another possibility, but I would most certainly NOT live at home. My mother and I would kill each other. LOL
I've realized, that with all of my heart, I want to study art. Possibly music on the side. I'll definitely stay involved in quality ensembles. I've wanted to be an artist since I was a kid. I can't believe I ever tried to deny that and pursue something else. Well this is where I am turning things around. I'm finished living for my illusion of what others expect out of me and what I "expect" of myself. I'm going to live my life as I want it. Which means I'm transferring to a new school, possibly an art school such as Columbia College Chicago. I'm very happy with this plan.
Now I can't wait for my future!!!!!!