Rent House Rent House
It recently occurred to me that perhaps some of you who read this are fans of RENT, and/or House, M.D. so I thought I would share this with all of you.
A while back, my sister and I wrote an MST of this horrible HORRIBLE fanfiction that was a RENT/HOUSE crossover story. An MST, for those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, stands for "Mystery Science Theater", as in the tv show where the robots and their human friend had to watch really bad movies. They usually lampooned the movie as they watched it. This is sort of the same thing, except in a different format. The parts in bold are what my sister and I wrote.
BE WARNED. This MST contains:
A gratuitous amount of random cameos;
Running gags;
Some eff-bombs...sorry;
Pain. Lots of pain.
We hope you enjoy, and sorry that it is so long. We just couldn't help ourselves. It needed to be put in its place.
Again, even though I am posting it, it was co-written by my loverly sister, smarmyelf
[WILSON is in his OFFICE doing what he does best; WASTING TIME. He is
browsing FANFICTION.NET while listening to MUSIC and humming the long-since
memorized LYRICS under his breath.]
WILSON: Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred… WHAT THE HELL??!
[FRANTIC now, WILSON pages DR. HOUSE and the HOUSKETEERS.]
CAMERON: What? What’s wrong?
FOREMAN: What's the problem, Wilson? I've got a patient waiting for me in exam room five.
CHASE: This had better be good, Wilson. I'm in the middle of a Sudoku.
FOREMAN: Nerd.
CHASE: Shut up.
HOUSE: Dammit, Jim! I told you not to page me every time you need a pity fuck. I'm a doctor, not a prostitute.
ALL: *STARE*
[From FAR AWAY, CUDDY'S VOICE can be heard.]
CUDDY: Don't feed the slashers!
WILSON: I don't want to fuck you. *mumbles* Not now, anyway...
HOUSE: Then what is it? I almost had “Walk the Dog”.
WILSON: I just...I just can't be alone right now.
CHASE: What is it this time?
CAMERON: Did somebody die?
FOREMAN: Wife leave you again?
HOUSE: Bad hair day?
CHASE: Hey!! That is NOT a joking matter.
WILSON: No. None of those. *dramatic pause* It's...bad!fic.
ALL: Noooooooooo!!
"You don't have AIDS, Cameron."
FOREMAN: Well, that was sudden.
HOUSE: Since it's not AIDS, what else could it be? Differential diagnosis, people. Not AIDS...go!
CHASE: It could be vasculitis.
FOREMAN: What about lupus?
WILSON: There's always paraneoplastic syndrome...
CAMERON: Woah, woah. Hang on.
CHASE: How about...lupus?
FOREMAN: Paraneoplastic syndrome?
WILSON: Maybe...vasculitis?
CAMERON: I do not have lupus. Or vasculitis. Or paraneoplastic syndrome.
CHASE, WILSON and FOREMAN: Oh...
HOUSE: What about lu-
CAMERON: House!! Don't start.
"I might."
"You've got no idea what AIDS is like."
"And you do?"
"A while ago, I had a patient--"
"Oh, was she a stripper? Wow, inspiring story House but--"
FOREMAN: The author got that part right. House DOES love his strippers.
CAMERON: Is this going to be one of those “Dialogue Only” fanfictions?
"Shut up and listen. Her name was Mimi. Something about her finding true love. But in short, AIDS changed her life. You saying it changed your life belittles what she and her friends went through."
WILSON: *weeps* Mimi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *MUSETTA'S WALTZ plays in the background*
CHASE: Foreman, shouldn't you be commenting on the author's grammar or something?
FOREMAN: Why bother? Besides, I'm tired. It's someone else's turn.
HOUSE: Well, it can't be Chase. He doesn't even know what a coordinating conjunction is.
CHASE: Hey!! I do TOO know...a what?
HOUSE: My point exactly. Cameron, you do it.
CAMERON: Why me?
HOUSE: You've been such a good little secretary for me so far. This won't be all that different from answering my fan mail.
CHASE: I see a fundamental problem with that statement...
"Her friends?"
"Yea, they all had AIDS to. You know what, come with me."
HOUSE: Yea, verily.
CAMERON: Too. They all had AIDS “too”. And I'd rather not. Come with you.
CHASE & FOREMAN: *snicker*
CAMERON: Oh, GROW UP.
"Where to?"
"My car,
CHASE & FOREMAN: *hum porn music* Bow-chicka-bow-bow
CAMERON: Seriously... Grow. Up.
you have to meet someone."
"Who, Mimi?"
"No, she died."
WILSON: *sings under his breath* Her name was April...
HOUSE: But it said her name was Mimi.
They walked out down the stairs to House's car. "Who then?"
"Her friend Mark."
CAMERON: Her friend, comma, Mark.
CHASE: Why is she friends with Stacy's husband?
WILSON: Shush. That name is never to be mentioned again.
FOREMAN: I think the author is talking about a different Mark. I mean, this IS a cross-over fanfiction.
They got into his car. "Where are we going.
CAMERON: Question mark, closing quotation marks.
"New York, 11th street and Avenue A."
RENT HOUSE RENT HOUSE
CHASE: Rent...House? Like...rent a house?
FOREMAN: *facepalm*
WILSON: No. As in RENT, a fabulous Broadway musical written by Johnathan Larson, and HOUSE, as in...HOUSE. *points*
[CHASE stares and thinks. You can almost hear the GEARS turning.]
"House, I don't think this is the best area..."
"Of course." He parked in front of what seemed a random building and knocked on the door. A middle aged man with bright blonde hair opened the the door.
"Afternoon Mark," House said.
FOREMAN: As opposed to “Morning Mark” and “Evening Mark” and “Fifth of November Mark”...
WILSON: Afternoon Mark is my favorite.
HOUSE: *sings* Sky rockets in flight...
CHASE: Pioooo!
CAMERON: Afternoon, comma, Mark. And let's go a little crazy and throw in a “good” before the “afternoon”.
"Dr. House? What are you doing here? We haven't seen you in a while." He was wearing a big coat.
ALL: The HELL?!?
CAMERON: Call me old fashioned, but I like to see dialogue ended with things like “he/she said”, “he/she stated”, or if you REALLY want to be creative “he/she yawped”.
WILSON: A “yawp” only works if it is barbaric.
"My little friend here
PETER LORRE: Say hello to my little friend...
thinks her life has been efffected by AIDS. She is the immunologists who works for me. How is Roger doing?"
ROGER: I'm fine, thanks. AIDS hasn't eFFFected me all that much.
CAST OF HOUSE: Who the HELL are YOU?!?
ROGER: I'm Roger.
CAMERON: What are you doing here?
ROGER: This story is about me too, you know. Besides, PETER LORRE was just here and you didn't give HIM a hard time.
CAST OF HOUSE: True.
"Oh good, he almost got a few record deals, but the whole 'I may drop dead at any time thing' is bit of a turnoff." Allison looked around a bit disgusted. She noticed Mark was holding a camcorder.
"Are we interrupting something?"
MARK: Oh, not much. Roger and I were just getting ready to film a little something. *winks at Roger*
CAST OF HOUSE: Who are... never mind.
"No why?"
"You have a video camera."
"Oh, I..."
"It's his hobby," House informed. "You need to have one of those when you are unemployed."
MARK: Thanks, House. Because, you know, I can't finish my own-
ROGER: Sentences.
CAMERON: There should be a comma in there somewhere. I'm almost certain.
"Well House, we couldn't all afford medical school."
"Right..."
MARK: HA! We're poor!
ROGER: It's so FUCKING FUNNY!
"Well, come in. I would say out of cold, but I doubt its much warmer upstairs."
WILSON: Out of cold?
ROGER: Ha! Mark had a stroke!
CAMERON: No, he just misplaced an article. And an apostrophe.
HOUSE: Differential diagnosis for article misplacement?
EVERYONE ELSE: Shut up.
"Thank you," Cameron said.
"Roger, Kelsey, we have visitors."
"How's Kelsey," House asked.
"Good. Fortunately, she was able to... shed the virus."It is possible, something about baby's shed their immune system. He said the second part to Cameron.
CHASE: Like a reptile sheds its skin?
HOUSE: Babies can be gross like that.
CAMERON: I won't even TRY to touch the grammar in those last few sentences. Just like I would never touch that virus-shedding baby.
FOREMAN: Am I the only one who is pissed off that this is completely medically inaccurate?
"Who's kid," Cameron asked whispered.
HOUSE: Apparently the author had an internal dilemma over which word sounded cooler, and ended up using both of them. Bad move, author. Bad move.
FOREMAN: Occam's razor.
"Roger and Mimi's."
"Who?"
They walked into a large room. In the middle was a garbage can on fire.
ROGER: OH MY GOD, THE GARBAGE CAN IS ON FIRE!! JESUS, PUT IT OUT!!
MARK: I think the author meant that there was a fire IN the garbage can.
ROGER: Oh. Right. We do that sometimes.
Cameron look a little nervous at first. They saw a man on the couch playing the guitar.
"House? What are you doing here?"
"Wanted my friend here to see Mark's old documentaries."
Roger stood up and walked over to Cameron. "HI, I'm Roger."
CAMERON: HI, I'm Cameron!
ROGER: Sometimes I can't CONTROL the VOLUME OF MY VOICE!!!!
"Allison." She smiled.
"So, House, why are you here."
HOUSE: Didn't I already answer that question? Christ, what is this? The Spanish Inquisition?
[SCARY MUSIC: DUUNNNN!!!]
CARDINAL XIMINEZ: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!!
STEPHEN FRY: Now that's just silly. Back to the story.
"Cameron thinks she has AIDS. I need you to explain to her your situation..." He was looking around. "Where is Collins?"
"Umm... he moved to Santa Fe a while back. Where is she Roger?"
ROGER: Not SHE Roger! HE ROGER!
"In her 'room'."
"But you only have one room."
MARK: Bullshit! BULLSHIT!!!
ROGER: Mark, calm down man...
MARK: Just because you only see our living room in the MOVIE does NOT mean that that's all we've got!!
HOUSE: Well...you ARE, you know. Poor.
MARK: *pouts*
House rolled his eyes at Cameron. "Thank you Captain Obvious."
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS: NO problem!
Mark walked out to the fire escape and swung down a level.
MARK: Oo oo, ee ee tooki tooki!
ROGER: *points* Ha...Mark's a monkey.
"She is living in Mimi's old place with Maureen."
"What happened to Joanne?"
"Car accident a few years ago."
"Oh, sorry."
"Mark," came a small squee from down stairs. "What do you want."
MARK: Who in their right minds would give Maureen a child to raise?
ROGER: Us, apparently.
CAMERON: There should be a question mark after that last sentence.
FOREMAN: Poor, squeeing Kelsey.
CAMERON: How does she “squee”?!
WILSON: SQUEE! Like that.
ALL: *stare*
WILSON: *cough*
"Come upstairs, we have some friends we'd like you to meet."
"Fine," she said. Mark climbed back up followed by a nine year old girl.
"House," she squealed when she saw him. "Thank you for the math book. I' the best in my whole class. And the biology book was so cool. I loved the chapter on genetics. I was telling Dad about them the other day. Maureen was more interested though. To bad she couldn't have a baby with Joanne."
"Stupid human anatomy," House said sarcastically.
CAMERON: Yeah...TOO bad...
ROGER: Did you hear that, Mark? Did you? She the best in her whole class!
FOREMAN: To be fair, she was the best in Math...not English.
"I drew a picture of what she may have looked like. Wanna see?"
"Sure," House said. She ran over and grabbed a notebook. House looked at the pictures. They were amazing.
CHASE: OH MY GOD!!!! It's a pint-sized Mary Sue!!!
HOUSE: Talk about the Electra Complex.
ROGER: What do you mean?
HOUSE: Well, presumably the author killed off Mimi because she was “competition”. She wants to get into your pants.
ROGER: Right...? And?
HOUSE: Annnndd a Mary Sue is just an idealized version of the author. So if your daughter is the Mary Sue and the Mary Sue is the author and the AUTHOR wants to get into your PANTS...!
EVERYONE but ROGER & CHASE: EWWWW!!!!
ROGER & CHASE: Huh?
"Well, I guess you wanted the tapes," Mark said walking towards a metal bin and pulled some out. "Here," he said. House handed him a wad of bills. "No, House..."
HOUSE: I handed you a WHAT?! And since when do I give people money!?
"Take it. Splurge on the miniature. I don't need it."
FOREMAN: The miniature WHAT?
CHASE: Car?
CAMERON: Pony?
ROGER: ...guitar?
MARK: ...no, Roger. No.
"Thanks," he said. He knew that the money meant a good Christmas for Kelsey, something she deserved.
House noticed Cameron studying the little girl.
"Shouldn't you be in school."
"I got suspended for cheating. Actually, I was cheated off of, but whatever."
HOUSE: Six year olds don't get suspended for cheating!
WILSON: She's nine, House.
HOUSE: Whatever. She's in grade school, it doesn't matter if she cheats.
WILSON: And look at what that attitude got you in Med School with Doctor Migraine What's-his-face.
HOUSE: Shut up.
"You can--"
"Cameron, before you go off into a whole lot of legal mumbo jumbo, their state doesn't care anymore than ours."
"But it isn't fair..." Mark and Roger were looking at her as if she was completely insane.
MARK: Which “her” are we looking at?
HOUSE: It doesn't matter. They're both insane.
"Life's a bitch, then you die," Kelsey said bluntly. She left out the window and went down the fire escape back to 'her room.'
FOREMAN: She left out the window, then right down the stairs, then hokey pokey-ed straight through the door.
CAMERON: Life's a bitch, AND then you die.
MARK: You get back here, little missy! Uncle Mark's gonna wash that dirty mouth out with soap!
ROGER: Yes, 'her room'. We all know that I CAN'T PROVIDE FOR MY OWN KID! OKAY!?!
HOUSE: Because you're poor.
"So you guys have two rooms?" House was impressed.
WILSON: What, and not a hint of sarcasm?
HOUSE: There was, but the author misplaced it.
FOREMAN: It's probably in the “Lost and Found” box with the commas and apostrophes...
"Well, Benny owns the downstairs room, but let's her and Maureen use it." Roger sounded angry about it.
CHASE: “But let us, her AND Maureen use it”? Doesn't that defeat the purpose of having TWO WHOLE ROOMS in the first place?
CAMERON: I think the author meant “lets”, as in “allows”.
"He is still an ass then. What about your rewired money machine?"
BENNY: I'm not an ass! I let them use the goddamn room. FOR FREE!!! HOW does that make me an ass??
HOUSE: Who's SAYING that last line, anyway?
"No good anymore. I've been working at Buzzline again."
"What about you," Cameron asked Roger.
"I've had some gigs," he said simply.
"You guys better go if you want to beat traffic."
"Yea, give my best to Maureen. Call me if you need anything." House shuffled out the door.
"It was nice meeting you," Cameron said with a smile. Then she ran after House.
FOREMAN: Calm down, Cameron. Like he's gonna get that far ahead of you.
HOUSE: Remember who signs your paychecks.
"Come on, let's go," House said.
"What was that," Cameron asked when they got in the car.
"What?"
"Gregory House was nice!"
"I feel bad for them. They've been a mess since they lost Angel 15 years ago. Especially Mark, he has been watching his friends die slowly."
MARK: Ahhh! The pain! The horrible pain!!!! *ANGST.*
"That's horrible."
"Cameron, I think I know, they know, what horrible is."
CHASE: I think that I know, that they know, that you know, that he knows, that she knows...
FOREMAN: Okay, we get it! We ALL know!!! Shut up already.
"That little girl was nine, House."
"I know."
HOUSE: Is there an echo in here, or is it just me?
The spent the last hour of the car ride in silence.
ROGER: THE spent the last hour...
MARK: Of the car ride in silence...
CAMERON: What does that even MEAN?
ALL: *shrug*
House parked in front of his place.
"House you've got to take me home," Cameron said upset.
"We are watching the tapes."
CAMERON: We are? I thought we were sitting on a motorcycle in front of your house, House.
HOUSE: No, we are watching the tapes.
"Now?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"I don't think you saw enough today." They walked into House's place.
"Can we at least get some food?"
"Sure. Chinese sounds great. Wait till diner time."
CAMERON: Is it just me, or did that sound SLIGHTLY perverted?
HOUSE: Wait till dinner time, baby.
ALL: PERVY!HOUSE!!!
He walked over to the DVD/VCR and popped in the tape. A picture of Angel came up.
"She was the first one to go," House said. His voice wasn't sarcastic. In fact, it was extremely serious. "Mimi was next." A picture of Mimi and Roger together. Maureen and Joanne came up. "Joanne, I guess she was next, in the car crash." Collins showed up with Angel. "Collins. He was a teacher, but he was always talking about moving to Santa Fe to start a restaurant. I guess he finally did." There were tons of pictures.
FOREMAN: *narrates* The virus-shedding baby... Unfortunately, I guess she wouldn't die...
MARK: They're not really “pictures”. I use 35mm film. Come on. I'm not THAT low tech.
HOUSE: Well you ARE poor.
"Why are you close to them?
"Umm... Angel and my sister were close in high school. We only lived there for a year but..."
"I thought you were an only child?"
"She died."
WILSON: *sings* Her name was April...
ROGER: HEY!!! That's my line!
"Oh, House, I'm sorry..."
"She was gay, and contracted AIDS. My dad disowned her. My mom listened to my dad. I stuck with her once I turned 18. Not that they knew. But she still died..." He wasn't crying, but Cameron noticed his eyes were glossy. She hugged him, but he didn't react.
CAMERON: *HUG*
HOUSE: *SMACK*
CAMERON: Hey! It says you don't react!
HOUSE: That's fic!me.
WILSON: Does anyone else find it kind of insulting that the author seems to be implying that straight kids can't be best friends with transvestites?
HOUSE: Well...were YOU friends with any straight kids, Jimmy?
WILSON: Hey... Being gay and transvestite are completely different things. Not that I'm...gay... OR a transvestite, for that matter.
"House, I don't feel right being here."
"Why?"
"I still love you." She looked at him. The some how ended standing up. He felt his face get closer to hers. He pulled away.
"Come on, let's get you home." The opened the door in front of he apartment. It was blizzarding out.
"Or not," they muttered together. They went back into his apartment.
WILSON: WELL...that ending was kind of...random.
CAMERON: THEY somehow ended up standing up. *smile*
FOREMAN: ARGH! No, you're fired!
CAMERON: Boo.
FOREMAN: Since when is it acceptable for “blizzard” to be used in verb form?
HOUSE: I blizzard out the door.
CAMERON: So...is it over?
WILSON: If only. If only. There's a second chapter.
CHASE: Oh. Ohhhhhhh. RENT/HOUSE. I get it!
FOREMAN: *facepalm* *headdesk* *floorboom*
HOUSE: What the HELL is *floorboom*?
AKASHACATBAT: Apparently, I used to say it as a child.
SMARMYELF: It's true. Our mother said so.
HOUSE: Freak.
ROGER: See you next chapter!
MARK: ...or not. *ominous music*
Takeaway Message:
The opened the door in front of he apartment.
A while back, my sister and I wrote an MST of this horrible HORRIBLE fanfiction that was a RENT/HOUSE crossover story. An MST, for those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, stands for "Mystery Science Theater", as in the tv show where the robots and their human friend had to watch really bad movies. They usually lampooned the movie as they watched it. This is sort of the same thing, except in a different format. The parts in bold are what my sister and I wrote.
BE WARNED. This MST contains:
A gratuitous amount of random cameos;
Running gags;
Some eff-bombs...sorry;
Pain. Lots of pain.
We hope you enjoy, and sorry that it is so long. We just couldn't help ourselves. It needed to be put in its place.
Again, even though I am posting it, it was co-written by my loverly sister, smarmyelf
[WILSON is in his OFFICE doing what he does best; WASTING TIME. He is
browsing FANFICTION.NET while listening to MUSIC and humming the long-since
memorized LYRICS under his breath.]
WILSON: Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred… WHAT THE HELL??!
[FRANTIC now, WILSON pages DR. HOUSE and the HOUSKETEERS.]
CAMERON: What? What’s wrong?
FOREMAN: What's the problem, Wilson? I've got a patient waiting for me in exam room five.
CHASE: This had better be good, Wilson. I'm in the middle of a Sudoku.
FOREMAN: Nerd.
CHASE: Shut up.
HOUSE: Dammit, Jim! I told you not to page me every time you need a pity fuck. I'm a doctor, not a prostitute.
ALL: *STARE*
[From FAR AWAY, CUDDY'S VOICE can be heard.]
CUDDY: Don't feed the slashers!
WILSON: I don't want to fuck you. *mumbles* Not now, anyway...
HOUSE: Then what is it? I almost had “Walk the Dog”.
WILSON: I just...I just can't be alone right now.
CHASE: What is it this time?
CAMERON: Did somebody die?
FOREMAN: Wife leave you again?
HOUSE: Bad hair day?
CHASE: Hey!! That is NOT a joking matter.
WILSON: No. None of those. *dramatic pause* It's...bad!fic.
ALL: Noooooooooo!!
"You don't have AIDS, Cameron."
FOREMAN: Well, that was sudden.
HOUSE: Since it's not AIDS, what else could it be? Differential diagnosis, people. Not AIDS...go!
CHASE: It could be vasculitis.
FOREMAN: What about lupus?
WILSON: There's always paraneoplastic syndrome...
CAMERON: Woah, woah. Hang on.
CHASE: How about...lupus?
FOREMAN: Paraneoplastic syndrome?
WILSON: Maybe...vasculitis?
CAMERON: I do not have lupus. Or vasculitis. Or paraneoplastic syndrome.
CHASE, WILSON and FOREMAN: Oh...
HOUSE: What about lu-
CAMERON: House!! Don't start.
"I might."
"You've got no idea what AIDS is like."
"And you do?"
"A while ago, I had a patient--"
"Oh, was she a stripper? Wow, inspiring story House but--"
FOREMAN: The author got that part right. House DOES love his strippers.
CAMERON: Is this going to be one of those “Dialogue Only” fanfictions?
"Shut up and listen. Her name was Mimi. Something about her finding true love. But in short, AIDS changed her life. You saying it changed your life belittles what she and her friends went through."
WILSON: *weeps* Mimi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *MUSETTA'S WALTZ plays in the background*
CHASE: Foreman, shouldn't you be commenting on the author's grammar or something?
FOREMAN: Why bother? Besides, I'm tired. It's someone else's turn.
HOUSE: Well, it can't be Chase. He doesn't even know what a coordinating conjunction is.
CHASE: Hey!! I do TOO know...a what?
HOUSE: My point exactly. Cameron, you do it.
CAMERON: Why me?
HOUSE: You've been such a good little secretary for me so far. This won't be all that different from answering my fan mail.
CHASE: I see a fundamental problem with that statement...
"Her friends?"
"Yea, they all had AIDS to. You know what, come with me."
HOUSE: Yea, verily.
CAMERON: Too. They all had AIDS “too”. And I'd rather not. Come with you.
CHASE & FOREMAN: *snicker*
CAMERON: Oh, GROW UP.
"Where to?"
"My car,
CHASE & FOREMAN: *hum porn music* Bow-chicka-bow-bow
CAMERON: Seriously... Grow. Up.
you have to meet someone."
"Who, Mimi?"
"No, she died."
WILSON: *sings under his breath* Her name was April...
HOUSE: But it said her name was Mimi.
They walked out down the stairs to House's car. "Who then?"
"Her friend Mark."
CAMERON: Her friend, comma, Mark.
CHASE: Why is she friends with Stacy's husband?
WILSON: Shush. That name is never to be mentioned again.
FOREMAN: I think the author is talking about a different Mark. I mean, this IS a cross-over fanfiction.
They got into his car. "Where are we going.
CAMERON: Question mark, closing quotation marks.
"New York, 11th street and Avenue A."
RENT HOUSE RENT HOUSE
CHASE: Rent...House? Like...rent a house?
FOREMAN: *facepalm*
WILSON: No. As in RENT, a fabulous Broadway musical written by Johnathan Larson, and HOUSE, as in...HOUSE. *points*
[CHASE stares and thinks. You can almost hear the GEARS turning.]
"House, I don't think this is the best area..."
"Of course." He parked in front of what seemed a random building and knocked on the door. A middle aged man with bright blonde hair opened the the door.
"Afternoon Mark," House said.
FOREMAN: As opposed to “Morning Mark” and “Evening Mark” and “Fifth of November Mark”...
WILSON: Afternoon Mark is my favorite.
HOUSE: *sings* Sky rockets in flight...
CHASE: Pioooo!
CAMERON: Afternoon, comma, Mark. And let's go a little crazy and throw in a “good” before the “afternoon”.
"Dr. House? What are you doing here? We haven't seen you in a while." He was wearing a big coat.
ALL: The HELL?!?
CAMERON: Call me old fashioned, but I like to see dialogue ended with things like “he/she said”, “he/she stated”, or if you REALLY want to be creative “he/she yawped”.
WILSON: A “yawp” only works if it is barbaric.
"My little friend here
PETER LORRE: Say hello to my little friend...
thinks her life has been efffected by AIDS. She is the immunologists who works for me. How is Roger doing?"
ROGER: I'm fine, thanks. AIDS hasn't eFFFected me all that much.
CAST OF HOUSE: Who the HELL are YOU?!?
ROGER: I'm Roger.
CAMERON: What are you doing here?
ROGER: This story is about me too, you know. Besides, PETER LORRE was just here and you didn't give HIM a hard time.
CAST OF HOUSE: True.
"Oh good, he almost got a few record deals, but the whole 'I may drop dead at any time thing' is bit of a turnoff." Allison looked around a bit disgusted. She noticed Mark was holding a camcorder.
"Are we interrupting something?"
MARK: Oh, not much. Roger and I were just getting ready to film a little something. *winks at Roger*
CAST OF HOUSE: Who are... never mind.
"No why?"
"You have a video camera."
"Oh, I..."
"It's his hobby," House informed. "You need to have one of those when you are unemployed."
MARK: Thanks, House. Because, you know, I can't finish my own-
ROGER: Sentences.
CAMERON: There should be a comma in there somewhere. I'm almost certain.
"Well House, we couldn't all afford medical school."
"Right..."
MARK: HA! We're poor!
ROGER: It's so FUCKING FUNNY!
"Well, come in. I would say out of cold, but I doubt its much warmer upstairs."
WILSON: Out of cold?
ROGER: Ha! Mark had a stroke!
CAMERON: No, he just misplaced an article. And an apostrophe.
HOUSE: Differential diagnosis for article misplacement?
EVERYONE ELSE: Shut up.
"Thank you," Cameron said.
"Roger, Kelsey, we have visitors."
"How's Kelsey," House asked.
"Good. Fortunately, she was able to... shed the virus."It is possible, something about baby's shed their immune system. He said the second part to Cameron.
CHASE: Like a reptile sheds its skin?
HOUSE: Babies can be gross like that.
CAMERON: I won't even TRY to touch the grammar in those last few sentences. Just like I would never touch that virus-shedding baby.
FOREMAN: Am I the only one who is pissed off that this is completely medically inaccurate?
"Who's kid," Cameron asked whispered.
HOUSE: Apparently the author had an internal dilemma over which word sounded cooler, and ended up using both of them. Bad move, author. Bad move.
FOREMAN: Occam's razor.
"Roger and Mimi's."
"Who?"
They walked into a large room. In the middle was a garbage can on fire.
ROGER: OH MY GOD, THE GARBAGE CAN IS ON FIRE!! JESUS, PUT IT OUT!!
MARK: I think the author meant that there was a fire IN the garbage can.
ROGER: Oh. Right. We do that sometimes.
Cameron look a little nervous at first. They saw a man on the couch playing the guitar.
"House? What are you doing here?"
"Wanted my friend here to see Mark's old documentaries."
Roger stood up and walked over to Cameron. "HI, I'm Roger."
CAMERON: HI, I'm Cameron!
ROGER: Sometimes I can't CONTROL the VOLUME OF MY VOICE!!!!
"Allison." She smiled.
"So, House, why are you here."
HOUSE: Didn't I already answer that question? Christ, what is this? The Spanish Inquisition?
[SCARY MUSIC: DUUNNNN!!!]
CARDINAL XIMINEZ: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!!
STEPHEN FRY: Now that's just silly. Back to the story.
"Cameron thinks she has AIDS. I need you to explain to her your situation..." He was looking around. "Where is Collins?"
"Umm... he moved to Santa Fe a while back. Where is she Roger?"
ROGER: Not SHE Roger! HE ROGER!
"In her 'room'."
"But you only have one room."
MARK: Bullshit! BULLSHIT!!!
ROGER: Mark, calm down man...
MARK: Just because you only see our living room in the MOVIE does NOT mean that that's all we've got!!
HOUSE: Well...you ARE, you know. Poor.
MARK: *pouts*
House rolled his eyes at Cameron. "Thank you Captain Obvious."
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS: NO problem!
Mark walked out to the fire escape and swung down a level.
MARK: Oo oo, ee ee tooki tooki!
ROGER: *points* Ha...Mark's a monkey.
"She is living in Mimi's old place with Maureen."
"What happened to Joanne?"
"Car accident a few years ago."
"Oh, sorry."
"Mark," came a small squee from down stairs. "What do you want."
MARK: Who in their right minds would give Maureen a child to raise?
ROGER: Us, apparently.
CAMERON: There should be a question mark after that last sentence.
FOREMAN: Poor, squeeing Kelsey.
CAMERON: How does she “squee”?!
WILSON: SQUEE! Like that.
ALL: *stare*
WILSON: *cough*
"Come upstairs, we have some friends we'd like you to meet."
"Fine," she said. Mark climbed back up followed by a nine year old girl.
"House," she squealed when she saw him. "Thank you for the math book. I' the best in my whole class. And the biology book was so cool. I loved the chapter on genetics. I was telling Dad about them the other day. Maureen was more interested though. To bad she couldn't have a baby with Joanne."
"Stupid human anatomy," House said sarcastically.
CAMERON: Yeah...TOO bad...
ROGER: Did you hear that, Mark? Did you? She the best in her whole class!
FOREMAN: To be fair, she was the best in Math...not English.
"I drew a picture of what she may have looked like. Wanna see?"
"Sure," House said. She ran over and grabbed a notebook. House looked at the pictures. They were amazing.
CHASE: OH MY GOD!!!! It's a pint-sized Mary Sue!!!
HOUSE: Talk about the Electra Complex.
ROGER: What do you mean?
HOUSE: Well, presumably the author killed off Mimi because she was “competition”. She wants to get into your pants.
ROGER: Right...? And?
HOUSE: Annnndd a Mary Sue is just an idealized version of the author. So if your daughter is the Mary Sue and the Mary Sue is the author and the AUTHOR wants to get into your PANTS...!
EVERYONE but ROGER & CHASE: EWWWW!!!!
ROGER & CHASE: Huh?
"Well, I guess you wanted the tapes," Mark said walking towards a metal bin and pulled some out. "Here," he said. House handed him a wad of bills. "No, House..."
HOUSE: I handed you a WHAT?! And since when do I give people money!?
"Take it. Splurge on the miniature. I don't need it."
FOREMAN: The miniature WHAT?
CHASE: Car?
CAMERON: Pony?
ROGER: ...guitar?
MARK: ...no, Roger. No.
"Thanks," he said. He knew that the money meant a good Christmas for Kelsey, something she deserved.
House noticed Cameron studying the little girl.
"Shouldn't you be in school."
"I got suspended for cheating. Actually, I was cheated off of, but whatever."
HOUSE: Six year olds don't get suspended for cheating!
WILSON: She's nine, House.
HOUSE: Whatever. She's in grade school, it doesn't matter if she cheats.
WILSON: And look at what that attitude got you in Med School with Doctor Migraine What's-his-face.
HOUSE: Shut up.
"You can--"
"Cameron, before you go off into a whole lot of legal mumbo jumbo, their state doesn't care anymore than ours."
"But it isn't fair..." Mark and Roger were looking at her as if she was completely insane.
MARK: Which “her” are we looking at?
HOUSE: It doesn't matter. They're both insane.
"Life's a bitch, then you die," Kelsey said bluntly. She left out the window and went down the fire escape back to 'her room.'
FOREMAN: She left out the window, then right down the stairs, then hokey pokey-ed straight through the door.
CAMERON: Life's a bitch, AND then you die.
MARK: You get back here, little missy! Uncle Mark's gonna wash that dirty mouth out with soap!
ROGER: Yes, 'her room'. We all know that I CAN'T PROVIDE FOR MY OWN KID! OKAY!?!
HOUSE: Because you're poor.
"So you guys have two rooms?" House was impressed.
WILSON: What, and not a hint of sarcasm?
HOUSE: There was, but the author misplaced it.
FOREMAN: It's probably in the “Lost and Found” box with the commas and apostrophes...
"Well, Benny owns the downstairs room, but let's her and Maureen use it." Roger sounded angry about it.
CHASE: “But let us, her AND Maureen use it”? Doesn't that defeat the purpose of having TWO WHOLE ROOMS in the first place?
CAMERON: I think the author meant “lets”, as in “allows”.
"He is still an ass then. What about your rewired money machine?"
BENNY: I'm not an ass! I let them use the goddamn room. FOR FREE!!! HOW does that make me an ass??
HOUSE: Who's SAYING that last line, anyway?
"No good anymore. I've been working at Buzzline again."
"What about you," Cameron asked Roger.
"I've had some gigs," he said simply.
"You guys better go if you want to beat traffic."
"Yea, give my best to Maureen. Call me if you need anything." House shuffled out the door.
"It was nice meeting you," Cameron said with a smile. Then she ran after House.
FOREMAN: Calm down, Cameron. Like he's gonna get that far ahead of you.
HOUSE: Remember who signs your paychecks.
"Come on, let's go," House said.
"What was that," Cameron asked when they got in the car.
"What?"
"Gregory House was nice!"
"I feel bad for them. They've been a mess since they lost Angel 15 years ago. Especially Mark, he has been watching his friends die slowly."
MARK: Ahhh! The pain! The horrible pain!!!! *ANGST.*
"That's horrible."
"Cameron, I think I know, they know, what horrible is."
CHASE: I think that I know, that they know, that you know, that he knows, that she knows...
FOREMAN: Okay, we get it! We ALL know!!! Shut up already.
"That little girl was nine, House."
"I know."
HOUSE: Is there an echo in here, or is it just me?
The spent the last hour of the car ride in silence.
ROGER: THE spent the last hour...
MARK: Of the car ride in silence...
CAMERON: What does that even MEAN?
ALL: *shrug*
House parked in front of his place.
"House you've got to take me home," Cameron said upset.
"We are watching the tapes."
CAMERON: We are? I thought we were sitting on a motorcycle in front of your house, House.
HOUSE: No, we are watching the tapes.
"Now?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"I don't think you saw enough today." They walked into House's place.
"Can we at least get some food?"
"Sure. Chinese sounds great. Wait till diner time."
CAMERON: Is it just me, or did that sound SLIGHTLY perverted?
HOUSE: Wait till dinner time, baby.
ALL: PERVY!HOUSE!!!
He walked over to the DVD/VCR and popped in the tape. A picture of Angel came up.
"She was the first one to go," House said. His voice wasn't sarcastic. In fact, it was extremely serious. "Mimi was next." A picture of Mimi and Roger together. Maureen and Joanne came up. "Joanne, I guess she was next, in the car crash." Collins showed up with Angel. "Collins. He was a teacher, but he was always talking about moving to Santa Fe to start a restaurant. I guess he finally did." There were tons of pictures.
FOREMAN: *narrates* The virus-shedding baby... Unfortunately, I guess she wouldn't die...
MARK: They're not really “pictures”. I use 35mm film. Come on. I'm not THAT low tech.
HOUSE: Well you ARE poor.
"Why are you close to them?
"Umm... Angel and my sister were close in high school. We only lived there for a year but..."
"I thought you were an only child?"
"She died."
WILSON: *sings* Her name was April...
ROGER: HEY!!! That's my line!
"Oh, House, I'm sorry..."
"She was gay, and contracted AIDS. My dad disowned her. My mom listened to my dad. I stuck with her once I turned 18. Not that they knew. But she still died..." He wasn't crying, but Cameron noticed his eyes were glossy. She hugged him, but he didn't react.
CAMERON: *HUG*
HOUSE: *SMACK*
CAMERON: Hey! It says you don't react!
HOUSE: That's fic!me.
WILSON: Does anyone else find it kind of insulting that the author seems to be implying that straight kids can't be best friends with transvestites?
HOUSE: Well...were YOU friends with any straight kids, Jimmy?
WILSON: Hey... Being gay and transvestite are completely different things. Not that I'm...gay... OR a transvestite, for that matter.
"House, I don't feel right being here."
"Why?"
"I still love you." She looked at him. The some how ended standing up. He felt his face get closer to hers. He pulled away.
"Come on, let's get you home." The opened the door in front of he apartment. It was blizzarding out.
"Or not," they muttered together. They went back into his apartment.
WILSON: WELL...that ending was kind of...random.
CAMERON: THEY somehow ended up standing up. *smile*
FOREMAN: ARGH! No, you're fired!
CAMERON: Boo.
FOREMAN: Since when is it acceptable for “blizzard” to be used in verb form?
HOUSE: I blizzard out the door.
CAMERON: So...is it over?
WILSON: If only. If only. There's a second chapter.
CHASE: Oh. Ohhhhhhh. RENT/HOUSE. I get it!
FOREMAN: *facepalm* *headdesk* *floorboom*
HOUSE: What the HELL is *floorboom*?
AKASHACATBAT: Apparently, I used to say it as a child.
SMARMYELF: It's true. Our mother said so.
HOUSE: Freak.
ROGER: See you next chapter!
MARK: ...or not. *ominous music*
Takeaway Message:
The opened the door in front of he apartment.