Default Setting
My default setting is pretty much "shut down" mode. I would rather be distanced from the world around me than be hurt by anyone. I have worked so hard not to operate in that mode daily, but recently I discovered that I have been shut down for months now and that there is only one thing that can bring me out of that mode and that is my daughter.
I realized that I have been living with depression for about 6 to 8 months now. I still do the things that I am suppose to do... like working, taking care of Ellie, hanging out with the girls. Those things make the screaming inside go away for the time being. But inside I am angry, hurt- not happy. I was supposed to live happily ever after with Sean. But that isn't going to happen. My trust and faith in him has been shattered and honestly- that is what hurts more than the hundreds of hours he worked and his problem with looking at naked pictures on the internet. That hurts more than the fact that I have felt unattractive since Ellie was born and he didn't really do anything to help that. Sure, he would tell me that I was pretty and that he was still attracted to me, but...
I don't know how many times I initiated sex and was shot down... In Canada it happened a lot! When we got back, I bought this really cute nighty. He had to find a save point on that stupid World of Warcraft game! It got to the point that I didn't even want to try anymore because it's not like I would finish anyway!!!
Then there is the feeling that he never intended to ask me to marry him. I will continue to quote "When Harry Met Sally" because the line at the end of the movie is perfect- "When you find that person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start right now." I just feel that if he wanted to marry me, he wouldn't have waited. I BEGGED him to just have a courthouse marriage and then afterwards have a really nice reception... I told him that I would still be able to have a dress and a ring ceremony... all the stuff that you have at a wedding- only we would have already been married so I would have felt like he loved me the way that I wanted to be loved.
I have to go now, but trust me... I will finish this.
I realized that I have been living with depression for about 6 to 8 months now. I still do the things that I am suppose to do... like working, taking care of Ellie, hanging out with the girls. Those things make the screaming inside go away for the time being. But inside I am angry, hurt- not happy. I was supposed to live happily ever after with Sean. But that isn't going to happen. My trust and faith in him has been shattered and honestly- that is what hurts more than the hundreds of hours he worked and his problem with looking at naked pictures on the internet. That hurts more than the fact that I have felt unattractive since Ellie was born and he didn't really do anything to help that. Sure, he would tell me that I was pretty and that he was still attracted to me, but...
I don't know how many times I initiated sex and was shot down... In Canada it happened a lot! When we got back, I bought this really cute nighty. He had to find a save point on that stupid World of Warcraft game! It got to the point that I didn't even want to try anymore because it's not like I would finish anyway!!!
Then there is the feeling that he never intended to ask me to marry him. I will continue to quote "When Harry Met Sally" because the line at the end of the movie is perfect- "When you find that person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start right now." I just feel that if he wanted to marry me, he wouldn't have waited. I BEGGED him to just have a courthouse marriage and then afterwards have a really nice reception... I told him that I would still be able to have a dress and a ring ceremony... all the stuff that you have at a wedding- only we would have already been married so I would have felt like he loved me the way that I wanted to be loved.
I have to go now, but trust me... I will finish this.