survivor party
oo k. predicament right now as i sit here with my potato salad and pepsi, since the whole day my nutrition consisted of a bowl of cheerios and a slice of sicilian pizza. i could nt eat cause i was so into the game. back to my predicament. lets start with a question to i have any regrets about how i played? NO. Do i have any regrets about how it turned out? YES. I honestly wished people wouldnt have taken it personally and we had gotten off to a good start cause jason and andrew did a very good job! And i by the way really shouldnt be writing any of this cause this could possibly make things worse but for my sanity i need to do something. I am sorry for backstabbing and lying to people, here is how i justify this without gettin to personal: first, i wanted this to be like survivor, which is why i wanted to film this, made the snuffer, bought the torches. I wanted this to be a production which is why the persona i was portraying was fake, i was portraying my survivor idol rob m. i had basically an alliance with everyone, except for maybe one or two. and you know i at certains points were prayiong that people would expose this and have some good action, cause i believed this was just all in good fun. but u know what i dont blame anyone for how they took it because guess what i didnt get voted off, technically i only recieved one vote against me the entire game a surprise to even myself. another reason why i was backstabbing and lying is because i unintenionally set myself up for it. promises i made before the game, before the merge and after the merge came back to bite me in the ass way quicker than i thought, i thought it would come back to bite me and thats when i was off, which is why i had to make a spontaneous decision that i wholeheartedly would never cast given a rewind option. I came in with this plan of having suballiances and have this core group of 3 that i had made before the game, it was working but paranoia, hunger, or just plain stupidity made me go crazy psycho johnny fairplay style. my 3 alliance crumbled i had one person saying something bout the other and it was even when we were final 3, which made me decide so quickly cause the basis would be why would one of those 3 be targetting me this early unless they really intended to, it was a mistake on my part for misjudging the word of a true dear friend and that is something i have to live and regret for the rest of my life, cause i honestly love the kid and would never do that in real life, but i was tryin to spice the game up make it interesting and humorous to watch again and again, and i thought everyone would feel the same. once again it goes back to me not really knowing how it is to have people say the dont trust you or the dont want u around even thought its just a game. i understand this and i cant keep saying its just a game its just a game, cause you know what i probably would have had an equivalent reaction, not the same approach, but an equivalent reaction. and you know what i feel it now and you know what it sucks it makes me feel like shit and it makes me question my integrity and my character cause you know what i had the feeling and intention of going in and not taking it personal, and kind of associated everyone having the same mentality, and as much as people may have thoguht that if their order had been changed the may be feeling the same way. i know i was wrong i know i played dirty, i know i had the wrong intentions, i know i hurt a person that means alot to me and it makes me feel like absolute shit and most saw it when i was trying to defend myself. i tried to justify what i did for resaons i know now as being bogus and crappy, do i know that it would have been different roles reversed i being voted out and this person being in second, no i don't but you know what i made the decision i have to live with myself and i am not the victim here. i am a person who created a ditch for myself, i cannot not well they would have done it to me because you know what they didnt and whos to say they would have. and im sorry a million times over and i hope people realize that i had no intention to hurt anyone in this game, i meant for it to be fun and i totally did not think through my decisions in terms of life because on survivor they do not have to see eachother outside the game we are all friends and we have to see eachother outside the game. that ddidnt effect me during the game but it sure as hell hits me hard after the game. but whoever reads this i really just want to apologize sincerely and wholeheratedly and the way i acted warrants no reconciliation and no forgiveness, but i just want to say that it was not my intention to hurt any of you and i had no inkling that my behavior would have caused such problems, i hope that my friendship with all of you means as much to you as it does to me, cause honestly i cant live without all you guys, and it kills me know to even think about people being this angry with me cause i know i was an asshole but it was masked in a game where i had no intention of doing so and it does not correspond to the way i live my life. i would give my life for my friends especially one who i know is hurt by my actions. i had said it wasnt fair for everyone to think i played dirty and vote for eileen cause she didnt strategize as well as i did, this is true in terms of a gamje but is it true in life, no its not and i got so caught up in this game an my performance as a survivor fanatic wannabeethat this was not even a concern in my strategy when in actuallity it would have been. if i was to play this game over i would have probably played it exactly the same way except for 2 votes and those 2 votes should know who they are. I am glad i was not the winner because looking upon it now i did not deserve to win because although i kept saying its a game, dont take it personally, its a game not life, the decision we made in this game affect our lives and its so true and i regret that more than anything in my entire life. to be a little less emotional and a little more humorous the one vote i had casted and they know who they are i honestly and wholeheartedly regret more than deciding to go to cooper union. PLEASE FORGIVE ME EVERYONE FOR BEING SUCH AN EGOTISTICAL ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I honestly am contemplating not continuing to watch survivor cause i am really scared by this whole experience and i know its early to be scare a whole 2 hrs or whatever it is, but i realized what i have done and its reasonable by the actions i diplayed tonite for people to think im blackhearted and an asshole, but im pleading with all 10 of you that i am not that way in real life and althoguh i hope my true firends know this i just needed to lift this off my chest! PLEASE TALK TO ME!!!!!