To be honest
I mentioned to one of my Smule Sing friends that I spend 10 minutes feeling miserable then move on.
Today, I may be failing that. I cannot stick to my 10 minutes.
Outside I really try to be a very strong person. To be upbeat. Try to smile.
But inside I am miserable.
I've been waking up feeling stupid and deflated for quite some time. I feel like a dog, begging for scraps of sunshine. And when crumbs are given, I take it like it's the most precious thing in the whole wide world.
I feel like I want to just sit at a coffee shop staring into nowhere. Or just sleep.
I know I am not fine on the inside. It's like I am grieving or mourning. No one I know died. But maybe I am the one who is and I need to go through this phase so that I can get it over with and stop being this way.
I remember my ex leaving me because I became emotionally needy and vulnerable. And I assume that became a dealbreaker bec he knew me as a person who can roll with the punches. He did not like that side of me.
But I do have that side of me. And I do not like it too. But I have to deal with it every single waking day. I'm just not as lucky as them to be able to pack up and leave.
I wish I could just grab someone who's willing to lend an ear and just cry out.
When faced with similar feelings like this, I gravitate towards work. And that formula has worked for me for so many years. But that solution has now lost its effectiveness.
I could've written melodramatic and juvenile poems about my concerns. But I no longer have that confidence that I used to have when writing crappy rhyme shit about my feelings.
As I grew older, I am becoming more guarded to reveal but have more intense raw emotion inside.
I hate being this emotionally needy and vulnerable. Silently, I am trying to grab onto someone for anchor. But, that anchor is too distant. And to be honest, even if I grab onto that anchor, I am so afraid that anchor will be taken away from me.
I do not like who I am right now.
----------
That's about an hour and a half of acknowledging that I am miserable, needy, and a stupid.
Now time to shift back to being amazing.
Turn it off. Like a light switch.
Today, I may be failing that. I cannot stick to my 10 minutes.
Outside I really try to be a very strong person. To be upbeat. Try to smile.
But inside I am miserable.
I've been waking up feeling stupid and deflated for quite some time. I feel like a dog, begging for scraps of sunshine. And when crumbs are given, I take it like it's the most precious thing in the whole wide world.
I feel like I want to just sit at a coffee shop staring into nowhere. Or just sleep.
I know I am not fine on the inside. It's like I am grieving or mourning. No one I know died. But maybe I am the one who is and I need to go through this phase so that I can get it over with and stop being this way.
I remember my ex leaving me because I became emotionally needy and vulnerable. And I assume that became a dealbreaker bec he knew me as a person who can roll with the punches. He did not like that side of me.
But I do have that side of me. And I do not like it too. But I have to deal with it every single waking day. I'm just not as lucky as them to be able to pack up and leave.
I wish I could just grab someone who's willing to lend an ear and just cry out.
When faced with similar feelings like this, I gravitate towards work. And that formula has worked for me for so many years. But that solution has now lost its effectiveness.
I could've written melodramatic and juvenile poems about my concerns. But I no longer have that confidence that I used to have when writing crappy rhyme shit about my feelings.
As I grew older, I am becoming more guarded to reveal but have more intense raw emotion inside.
I hate being this emotionally needy and vulnerable. Silently, I am trying to grab onto someone for anchor. But, that anchor is too distant. And to be honest, even if I grab onto that anchor, I am so afraid that anchor will be taken away from me.
I do not like who I am right now.
----------
That's about an hour and a half of acknowledging that I am miserable, needy, and a stupid.
Now time to shift back to being amazing.
Turn it off. Like a light switch.