Yes kids, I'm a BITCH
I've been saying I'd do it for weeks. And for weeks I've avoided doing it: Talking to my BF. I'm UNHAPPY with our relationship on SOOOO many levels. it's not one thing I can point to and say "there, that's the problem." Rather it's a bunch of little things that when taken together form a very depressing pattern.
BF is NOT HAPPY what his life. I've taken to walking from the bed/shower to my computer when I wake up, regardless of his being home or not, because I don't dare ask how his day was, that would only result in a laundry list of why it sucked, how stupid the world is and how NOTHING EVER CHANGES. It's downright depressing. But when I've brought up the subject in the past, I only get a shrug and a guttural sound in response.
Is it unreasonable to be frustrated? Well, unreasonable or not, I pulled up my big girl panties and poked him awake when I came home from work. He knew last night that I would be doing so. I had to or he would have sleep until 45 minutes before he has to head off to work and once again we wouldn't TALK. Yeah, I use my computer for avoidance, he uses sleep the same way.
So we FINALLY got out the house and I spend the entire walk to the local Starbucks explaining how I felt and why. That I can't fix him, that he has to want to change and that if he's not willing to change, then I'm not willing to continue. See right now he's stuck in a depressive self-worth rut. A rut I pulled myself out of about four years ago. I KNOW where his head and heart are at, I KNOW it sucks, but I also know that one CAN do better. it's just that right now he's not willing to make an effort. On some level he's HAPPY with eh status quo.
I told him straight out that he has a month to make a real effort or we're done. And yes, I'm prepared to kick him out of the apartment if it comes to that. But I don't want it to. I want him to TRY, I want him to make the effort in his life. Not just for me, but for himself. I want the funny redhead that I played pool with and asked to coffee; the guy that smiles, laughed and enjoyed himself. I know he's in there somewhere, but I can't pull him out. BF has to make that choice for himself.
Yeah, I a cold hearted bitch. I gave him an ultimatum, which I hate. The thing is *I* need that boundary, because without it I KNOW that I'll spends YEARS being desperately miserable as I try to fix him. I've been done that road before and I'm not going back.
Right now, I feel like shit, but that's nothing compared the wait I have to deal with now. I guess I'll find out the ultimate result of this come October 2nd.