The incredibly irritating internet connection...
... or otherwise known as 'The incredibly messed up Laptop'. Which one's worst I don't know.
So I finally get the internet back-on, and I quite happily rapped about that in the previous entry. But now. Now it seems the laptop is more messed up. For one thing, I can't open Adobe Photoshop and I'm gutted. It just now means that unless I find another way of saving all the little images I've done I'm gonna end up losing all of it. *sigh*
Apart from losing some videos from my Video Folder, and other stuff aside from getting rid of some unused programmes (if possible), I feel real miserable about it. I'm a technical person - and I feel (during recent days) like I've upgraded my creative medium choice to everything digital mainly. Icon making has become an addiction as well as a practice ground. Manga colouring especially has helped me realise the possibilities using just layers; and until I can get my drawings scanned in, manga substituted sufficiently. I no longer plan to hand-colour my drawings, though all of them will be hand-drawn (even when I get a wacom tablet). One of my projects was to make a T-shirt, wherein I plan to use a Transfer Paper (if that's what it's called) to print on a drawing, my design, onto a shirt and then customize it with sequins, rips, ribbons, whatever.
I also want to take photos and practice filming using a camcorder now that I can transfer shots onto the laptop to be edited. Except there's lack of equipment and the fact that a lot of things are messed up at the moment. 'Suppose, it's not just the technical things that are messed up. ..
Home pressure is getting to me. It's not something everyone has vocally expressed although my mom has confined in me. But I to can no longer hold the fact anymore in the disappointment we all feel towards the "head figure" of the family. Why should he be able to do whatever he wants with whosever money while we all have to make do with things, even if it's quite obvious they need replacing? I do not get how someone could be soooo selfish to the point that he's oblivious to everything. I was gonna put down, because I'm slightly unhappy at the moment, music videos of Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman's Come What May and Back-On's Chained because I absolutely love (esp. the former) those songs. Not to mention the Ewan McGregor part was prompted by the fact that my best friend and I was watching my Long Way Round DVD yesterday, and the day before till now I just got to reading the book version (pg. 51). I absolutely love those guys (feels slightly cheery now).
But I'm bogged down by what's happening - about everything at all. Visited the UCAS website where you do all the University / College degree application, and re-read My Personal Statement. Whatever I declared there I feel I fell short to what I proposed to myself I would do. It all just sounds like 'talk' to me, even if I did write it. I want to alter it, as well as secure my 'secret project' by doing more research except... in terms of things, we don't own anything pretty brand new. It just means, instead of being able to at least replace the old PC which is clearly just about functional, it's still there, slowly rotting away. Other things like getting the car checked which is being relied on solely on my mom to do because my dad cannot afford to pay it himself or take it himself (esp. since he knows where it is and my mom doesn't). So that, now and then, there's the danger that it sometimes stops dead on its track. At least that thought should have prompted him to go and have it fixed, in the very least fixed but noooooo....
There’s the mood swings all the time too - sometimes he's happy sometimes you just have to be away from him. I can't stand him. He can't preach because he's a hypocrite; and... I hate to admit it... the support which we all need from him is not there. Never there. I feel bad writing all these down for obvious reasons and I'm supposed to be doing something else. Like maybe figure out how I will save my unconverted PS7 images since I'm not 100% I can persuade my mom to splash out on a memory stick since I feel that whatever I do is useless in her eyes. Not that I mind a lot since I haven't been really open about myself to her, or to anyone much really. Mostly my best friend and friends; generally non-family related only. But I kinda regret it too, about the fact I'm not open. Just now, I told my mom about my OCD complex. I have a hatred for tiles esp. dirty tiles and everything to do with toilets that I don't go to one whenever we are out. I try not to look at tiles because... I don't know why but I hate them. And just recently, I've been able to really go sit in the conservatory without thinking about the tiled floor. I don't know what it is, and why I feel that way, and I know it sounds stupid that's why I've never mentioned it to anyone until the last few days. I know to how it affects my personality and how people see me, esp. since they don't know my case. It's not a very bad case otherwise I would've been referred to a specialist for a treatment ages ago but still... it's taken years for me to battle, and though it's steadily getting better, it still affects me. I have such bad attacks esp. when I have PMS that I get really really foul moods.
Though it does scares me. I admit. It scares me being open to them. Or to anyone really.I feel like I don't want to explain myself. To me it seems that the things I do speaks for me - I don't like spelling out the obvious. Not for everybody especially when I can be harsh with words as I'm always frank with what I feel. I'm also not very good with words either. The feeling of the need to plainly say what I mean and being more cautious are at odds since I don't want to hurt anybody but at the same time I get irritated by the obviousness of it all.
Just awhile ago, my youngest brother said to my mom that she should sleep since we both saw her slightly nodding her head, eyes closed. She replied I kept her up. I know she didn't mean it like that but I also wanted to say she didn't need to do that for me since whatever we were doing could be done the next day. So I said "I'm not telling you not to sleep". Meaning, it's her choice if she wants to or not. Then we had a little arguement about it then she said I should have less 'pride' in myself. I don't get it. Explain to me how it could have sounded like that. I simply wanted not to stress her out and have her stay up late for my sake because I know how tough things have been with her.
The only disappointment I have is that my parents knows me less than other people do. It's getting better with my mom I guess in the way I can talk to her more than I ever did though I never directly say what I'm like since I'd rather people figure me out rather than impose myself through direct verbal. But I guess no one's got time to notice things anymore. Or no one looks deeper as deep anymore. For me anyways. Can't even say I'm not like that either.
Ahhh... somehow, just shortening what disturbs me, relaying it out as it is, is relieving. Though there are still what else things, I don't wanna get into them. It'll only get me depress, and I already hate the fact that lately I've been crying a lot during a shower or what time I can snatch when I'm positive I'm on my own and when negative thoughts habitually sneak up. But I figure (well learnt), and I suppose why in the least I'm not so much disappointed by this GAP year, is that I'm the type that don't like to dwell forever in the negative. Sure, I may mope about it for a day or weeks but surely nothing as long as two weeks. Maybe even shorter than a week. It did take me some-real-getting-to-know-self-better this year to finally realise that. I just don't want to get bogged down - I obstinately refuse to.
[ In celebration of the on-coming outing of the last Harry Potter book, here's a page on HP and it's japanese title explaining what Hiragana or Kanji words were used, and how two different japanese words make a new meaning together.
I found these pages because I was looking for the japanese word for lighting which is inazuma.:
+ Hiragana
+ HP Book 3 chpt. 11
+ HP Book 6 chpt. 27 ]
So I finally get the internet back-on, and I quite happily rapped about that in the previous entry. But now. Now it seems the laptop is more messed up. For one thing, I can't open Adobe Photoshop and I'm gutted. It just now means that unless I find another way of saving all the little images I've done I'm gonna end up losing all of it. *sigh*
Apart from losing some videos from my Video Folder, and other stuff aside from getting rid of some unused programmes (if possible), I feel real miserable about it. I'm a technical person - and I feel (during recent days) like I've upgraded my creative medium choice to everything digital mainly. Icon making has become an addiction as well as a practice ground. Manga colouring especially has helped me realise the possibilities using just layers; and until I can get my drawings scanned in, manga substituted sufficiently. I no longer plan to hand-colour my drawings, though all of them will be hand-drawn (even when I get a wacom tablet). One of my projects was to make a T-shirt, wherein I plan to use a Transfer Paper (if that's what it's called) to print on a drawing, my design, onto a shirt and then customize it with sequins, rips, ribbons, whatever.
I also want to take photos and practice filming using a camcorder now that I can transfer shots onto the laptop to be edited. Except there's lack of equipment and the fact that a lot of things are messed up at the moment. 'Suppose, it's not just the technical things that are messed up. ..
Home pressure is getting to me. It's not something everyone has vocally expressed although my mom has confined in me. But I to can no longer hold the fact anymore in the disappointment we all feel towards the "head figure" of the family. Why should he be able to do whatever he wants with whosever money while we all have to make do with things, even if it's quite obvious they need replacing? I do not get how someone could be soooo selfish to the point that he's oblivious to everything. I was gonna put down, because I'm slightly unhappy at the moment, music videos of Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman's Come What May and Back-On's Chained because I absolutely love (esp. the former) those songs. Not to mention the Ewan McGregor part was prompted by the fact that my best friend and I was watching my Long Way Round DVD yesterday, and the day before till now I just got to reading the book version (pg. 51). I absolutely love those guys (feels slightly cheery now).
But I'm bogged down by what's happening - about everything at all. Visited the UCAS website where you do all the University / College degree application, and re-read My Personal Statement. Whatever I declared there I feel I fell short to what I proposed to myself I would do. It all just sounds like 'talk' to me, even if I did write it. I want to alter it, as well as secure my 'secret project' by doing more research except... in terms of things, we don't own anything pretty brand new. It just means, instead of being able to at least replace the old PC which is clearly just about functional, it's still there, slowly rotting away. Other things like getting the car checked which is being relied on solely on my mom to do because my dad cannot afford to pay it himself or take it himself (esp. since he knows where it is and my mom doesn't). So that, now and then, there's the danger that it sometimes stops dead on its track. At least that thought should have prompted him to go and have it fixed, in the very least fixed but noooooo....
There’s the mood swings all the time too - sometimes he's happy sometimes you just have to be away from him. I can't stand him. He can't preach because he's a hypocrite; and... I hate to admit it... the support which we all need from him is not there. Never there. I feel bad writing all these down for obvious reasons and I'm supposed to be doing something else. Like maybe figure out how I will save my unconverted PS7 images since I'm not 100% I can persuade my mom to splash out on a memory stick since I feel that whatever I do is useless in her eyes. Not that I mind a lot since I haven't been really open about myself to her, or to anyone much really. Mostly my best friend and friends; generally non-family related only. But I kinda regret it too, about the fact I'm not open. Just now, I told my mom about my OCD complex. I have a hatred for tiles esp. dirty tiles and everything to do with toilets that I don't go to one whenever we are out. I try not to look at tiles because... I don't know why but I hate them. And just recently, I've been able to really go sit in the conservatory without thinking about the tiled floor. I don't know what it is, and why I feel that way, and I know it sounds stupid that's why I've never mentioned it to anyone until the last few days. I know to how it affects my personality and how people see me, esp. since they don't know my case. It's not a very bad case otherwise I would've been referred to a specialist for a treatment ages ago but still... it's taken years for me to battle, and though it's steadily getting better, it still affects me. I have such bad attacks esp. when I have PMS that I get really really foul moods.
Though it does scares me. I admit. It scares me being open to them. Or to anyone really.I feel like I don't want to explain myself. To me it seems that the things I do speaks for me - I don't like spelling out the obvious. Not for everybody especially when I can be harsh with words as I'm always frank with what I feel. I'm also not very good with words either. The feeling of the need to plainly say what I mean and being more cautious are at odds since I don't want to hurt anybody but at the same time I get irritated by the obviousness of it all.
Just awhile ago, my youngest brother said to my mom that she should sleep since we both saw her slightly nodding her head, eyes closed. She replied I kept her up. I know she didn't mean it like that but I also wanted to say she didn't need to do that for me since whatever we were doing could be done the next day. So I said "I'm not telling you not to sleep". Meaning, it's her choice if she wants to or not. Then we had a little arguement about it then she said I should have less 'pride' in myself. I don't get it. Explain to me how it could have sounded like that. I simply wanted not to stress her out and have her stay up late for my sake because I know how tough things have been with her.
The only disappointment I have is that my parents knows me less than other people do. It's getting better with my mom I guess in the way I can talk to her more than I ever did though I never directly say what I'm like since I'd rather people figure me out rather than impose myself through direct verbal. But I guess no one's got time to notice things anymore. Or no one looks deeper as deep anymore. For me anyways. Can't even say I'm not like that either.
Ahhh... somehow, just shortening what disturbs me, relaying it out as it is, is relieving. Though there are still what else things, I don't wanna get into them. It'll only get me depress, and I already hate the fact that lately I've been crying a lot during a shower or what time I can snatch when I'm positive I'm on my own and when negative thoughts habitually sneak up. But I figure (well learnt), and I suppose why in the least I'm not so much disappointed by this GAP year, is that I'm the type that don't like to dwell forever in the negative. Sure, I may mope about it for a day or weeks but surely nothing as long as two weeks. Maybe even shorter than a week. It did take me some-real-getting-to-know-self-better this year to finally realise that. I just don't want to get bogged down - I obstinately refuse to.
[ In celebration of the on-coming outing of the last Harry Potter book, here's a page on HP and it's japanese title explaining what Hiragana or Kanji words were used, and how two different japanese words make a new meaning together.
I found these pages because I was looking for the japanese word for lighting which is inazuma.:
+ Hiragana
+ HP Book 3 chpt. 11
+ HP Book 6 chpt. 27 ]