CHAPTERED | Kiss the Baby Sky Chapter 5
Kiss the Baby Sky
pg-13 | au, angst, fluff | 5/??
aitakutemo beta-ed by the_ladder
"all the dreams and hopes made of your eyes..." -jung yunho, a 12-year-old boy who's only living with his 8-year-old little brother, jung jaejoong. after their parents died, they lived in the big mansion with all the riches they inherited, and learning to accept the truth and face their upcoming life on their own. they managed to survive of course, having each other by their side. but the problem doesn’t stop there. first, they had to face the fact that they would get kicked out their house and get adopted. and if that's not enough, one of them finally realizes there's something more than just brotherly love between them.
warning: incest
Chapter 5
“Jaejoongie!”
I freeze, trying to catch my breath as my brain starts working on figuring out my surroundings. I’m sweating and my left hand is clenched into a fist. I shake my head before moving my other hand to scratch my already messy hair.
It’s just a dream, just a dream.
Jaejoongie’s fine, it’s just a dream, nothing bad is happening, calm down, Yunho.
I glance to my side and reach for my cell; 06.21 AM. I still have another 9 minutes before the alarm rings. I turn the alarm off before once again scratching my hair and letting out a yawn. I’m so excited that I can feel an urge to get ready and leave early.
Yes, today’s the day I finally got mother and father’s permission to go to Jaejoong’s place. Today’s the day that I will go and search for him. It’s been 3 years since he last called me, and there hasn’t been a single post either. I was so worried that he might be hurt or something worse, but somehow I can just feel that he’s still there, still waiting for me to take him back.
I throw my feet over the side of the bed and stand up, stretching once again as I make my way to the bathroom to start yet another morning routine. I walk to the sink and splash the cold water against my face, making me shiver at the freezing sensation. I blink and look up to my reflection in the mirror.
“You’ve changed a lot, huh?”
I wonder how my Jaejoongie looks now, how tall is he? Has he gotten fatter? Did he change to another hairstyle? My heart pounds faster as the excitement waves through my whole body. I can’t wait to meet him, to wrap my arms around his smaller figure and feel his smaller hands around my waist, like he used to…
Like he used to…
All the excitement starts to wear off as the disturbing nightmares start filling my head.
Has he changed much?
Will he stop relying on me?
What if he’s not my BooJae anymore?
Heck, what if anything had happened…
I force my hand to splash another handful of water. I should not think of these kinds of things. My Jaejoongie is alright. Sometimes I can feel him calling for me. My Jaejoongie won’t change. I’m still his Yunho-hyung and he’s still my one and only Boo Jaejoongie, my beloved little brother.
“Oppa…?”
I shake my head before answering, “yeah, Ji Hye?”
“Are you awake?” she asks.
I tell her to wait and use my towel to wipe my face while walking to the door.
“What is it?” I open the door and look at her uniformed figure standing outside my room. Her hair is tied into a ponytail and she’s already looking happy.
“Umma said if you’re already awake and quick enough, I could maybe come with you to the station! And since you’re awake now, why you don’t get ready faster so we could go soon? Because I don’t think umma would let you go before breakfast and there’s no way I could make her sure I won’t be late for school, but I still want to go with you-”
“…huh?” My brain is still trying to process what she just said.
“Can you please get ready now?” she pushes me back to my room, “five minutes, okay?” And with that she closes the door and leaves me confused. Sigh, I will never understand girls, even though I’ve spent the last five years living under the same roof with one. Yesterday she was worried about me going to find Jaejoong, but now look who’s excited.
I let out a sigh again. Well, at least I am…
The station is packed with people, just like usual. I look around and spot my bus park in the far corner. Finally, just a couple of hours more and I’ll be able to meet my little brother. I can feel my heart beating faster and faster in the last minutes. I can’t wait to get on and-
“Oppa…”
I forgot Ji Hye is still with me. I turn my head and point to the bus, “I’ve found the bus, there! See?”
“Yes,” she smiles and I smile back. I know she’s still worried, I’ve known her long enough to know how she would act if there is something that is making her uncomfortable. So I just pat her head lightly.
“Hey, don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine…”
“It’s not that…” she bites her upper lip and tries to look anywhere but my eyes, “I’m afraid… you won’t come back to us…”
I narrow my eyes, “really? Why do you think so?”
“Well… it’s just…” she pauses, looking a bit hesitant, before finally looking back to my eyes, “just promise me you will come back, please, oppa?”
I laugh, but stop when I see how serious she is, “yes, Ji Hye-yah, I will come back, I promise.”
She smiles again, but this time a genuine one, just in time when someone announces that my bus is going to depart soon. I reposition my bag and take one deep breath.
“I guess… it’s time for me to go? Take care of mother and father for me, okay? I’ll see you soon!” I am just starting to walk back when she touches my shoulder. I turn and tilt my head, “What is it?”
“Er…” She bites her lip again, “it’s just… I have something to tell you…”
“Yes?”
“Oppa, I…”
“Huh?”
“I have something to tell you, it’s-“
“All the passengers for bus number 17 are expected to get into the bus-“
“Ji Hye, hurry! Or I’m going to miss my bus!” I try to joke, but she only bites her lip harder before finally pulling her hand back from my shoulder.
“… take care of yourself too…”
“Hahaha, you don’t have to worry about me, I can take care of myself, it’s you and mother and father who I’m worried about. Take care of yourself too, okay? I’ll be back soon!”
Ji Hye looks relaxed and she nods before giving me a last wave, “see you, oppa, I will miss you!”
“Yes, I will too! Bye bye, Ji Hye!” I wave back as I walk backwards to my bus. I’m not lying, I am going to miss them, they’ve been like my family for the past years, and I can’t be more grateful for that. They are very kind towards me, and I even treat Ji Hye like my own little sister.
But well, I’m not going to think about that now. The most important thing is Jaejoongie, and he will be my priority from now on. I lean my head on the window and stare blankly at anything I could see.
“Jaejoongie, wait for me…”
I lose hope.
This is the second day I’m in the city written in Jaejoong’s letters. I’ve been searching everywhere but I just can’t find the address he’s in. God, don’t tell me he used a fake address. No, no, please no…
I grip the coffee mug I’m holding harder. Am I thinking of giving up? What am I thinking? Haven’t I promised myself that I will find him even if it’s the last thing I do? I promised him that I will take him back.
What kind of brother am I?
I realize I’m gripping the mug so hard that my hand is turning red. I release it with a deep sigh before gulping the last remains inside.
“Jaejoongie, where are you?” I whisper slowly. I know I shouldn’t be like this, but my hope is fading. I’m afraid I might not be in the corner, heck, the right city. I’m afraid that I might be too late…
I shake my head. No, I shouldn’t think of that. He’s still alive and he’s still waiting for me. What am I doing here when I should be out there looking for him? I quickly stand up and walk out of the store. But as I step outside and look around, I stop.
Where should I go next?
I take out my cell, where I saved his address, and look at it for the hundredth time this day. I’ve memorized it already, but I just still can’t find the address. Where can I find this place? This…
Wait...
I turn back and look up, and my eyes widen as I see the writing below the little café’s name.
I’m at the right area!
Something bursts in my chest and I feel another rush of energy running through my body. Jaejoong is close! We are close! And I didn’t even realize it before! I dash back to the café and go straight to the cashier, showing the address and asking for directions. Thankfully she knew about the place. I bow down couple of times before running straight into the street. She said the place is not far from here, only a couple minutes of walking. I keep running as I try to remember her directions. Turn left, left again, straight…
I stop to catch my breath. I’ve been running since I left the shop and now I really need to stop for a second. I lay my hand on the wall as I breathe heavily. I should have agreed when father asked me to join him for a jog every morning. I grip my hands harder. I just can’t waste any more time, can I?
Something bumps my shoulder. I turn and see a girl holding her own shoulder. I can’t see her face because it is pretty much covered with her short hair, but I know it’s a girl from her white skin and red lips. I examine her; her clothing is a bit large for her small form. I wonder if she’s poor or something?
It’s a good thing I’m still trying to catch my breath, if not, I might start shouting at her to let out my frustration. Can’t she see me standing here? Where are her eyes? But seeing how she is, I just mumble ‘be careful when walking’. The girl doesn’t say anything, only walks past me slowly. What a weird kid.
I have the urge to hold her back and ask her if I can help her, but I shouldn’t be worrying about another person right now. I still have to find Jaejoong. After deciding it would be better if I just walk, I continue walking in the direction the cashier had told me before. I keep walking and walking until finally I stop in front of a medium-sized house.
Is this where Jaejoong lives? It looks normal to me…
I pull out my cell to once again re-check the address. The house number is right; this must be the house. I put it back into my pocket before straightening my jacket and wipe my forehead. Here it goes-
“Didn’t I tell you not to come back before you got my soju!?”
“You brat, answer me! You must’ve been visiting that playground again, didn’t you? What? Do you think I’m scared of your glare?”
“Too bad you’re stuck with us. I don’t care whether you are just a kid. Didn’t you always like to wonder how it feels to be a grown up? Well, this’ grownups’ life, kid! You have to work to make your life!”
“Now don’t make me hit you again, I’m not in the mood to give you a lesson!”
What’s happening there? I peek through the fence and see someone’s back. The person’s still shouting some words that I can’t catch clearly. I put my hands on the fence, wanting to tiptoe to see what’s happening. I know I’m not supposed to do this, but those words don’t seem nice at all.
The fence makes a squeak sound and I realize it’s not locked. Can I come in? It’s the right address, right? I glance again at the address board. It’s correct. I only hope the address he gave me is right.
I walk as slowly as I can when I see someone thrown my way. I back up a bit as I realize it’s the girl who bumped into me earlier. Did that man abuse her? After regaining some focus, I walk quickly to her, wanting to help her stand, but what I saw next was really something I never expected…
The kid turns to me, and I can now clearly see the face behind those dark bangs. It’s covered with some traces of dry and fresh blood, but I still remember those eyes, those lips, those cheeks…
“Ja…”
I gape. I lose my voice. I lose my breath. I can only stand in my spot, frozen.
“Y… Yunho-hyung…?”
“…”
“What?” a man appears from behind the wall and stares at me, “Who are you!? Get the hell out of my place!”
---BUGH!
The man is thrown a back by my punch, which landed straight on his left cheek. I don’t know anymore. I can’t think straight. The only thing in my mind is to finish this man in front of me.
And I will.
“YAH! What was that for, you brat!?” he touches his cheek, glaring at me. “You’ll pay for this!” he starts to stand up, but my leg is faster than him. I kick his head and catch a glimpse of blood as his head is snapped to one side.
“Wha-“
---BUGH!!
Another fist lands on his cheek as I pull his shirt and force him to face me.
“Fuck you! What were you doing to my little brother!?”
“Your little brother? What kind of joke is this-“
---BUGH!!
“Answer me, you sick, son of a bitch.”
“HE IS MINE, so I can treat him however I want!”
I’m so angry, no, furious. I keep beating him, landing my fist on his face. Gradually, he starts to beg me to stop, but I just won’t stop. My fist moves on its own. Another punch… another punch… another punch…
“Hyung…”
I stop. I look down again to the now-beaten guy below me. He’s a mess now, barely unconscious, with blood all over his face. My whole body trembles with anger, my breathing is hard and short. I turn to Jaejoong, who has a scared look plastered on his face.
“Hyung…” he’s trembling.
“Jaejoongie, I…” my voice is filled with guilt. Did I scare him? I look back at my hands, traces of the man’s blood is covering them. I release his collar before looking back at my one and only little brother. Please don’t tell me he’s scared of me…
“Jaejoongie, I…” Thankfully I was wrong because in the next second he runs to my side, putting his arms around my waist, just like what he used to do, except in this one hug, I can feel his gladness, his fear, his confusion, his worry, everything. I hesitantly put my arms around his form, afraid that he might go away if I do anything wrong. This isn’t a dream, I am finally able to have him in my embrace.
I pull his body closer to mine, letting him snuggle into my chest. I’m so speechless that all I can do is just placing my arms there to cover him, to make him sure he’s got me, finally.
“Jae, I’m so sorry I didn’t come earlier… I’m so sorry I bumped into you, yet I didn’t realize it was you. I’m so sorry I… Just came today…” these words come swiftly out of my lips. Jaejoong doesn’t say anything, but I know he’s crying from the feel of something wetting my shirt.
“I’m so sorry, Jae, I’m so sorry… I’m here now, you’ll be fine… I’m here, I’ll protect you…” I keep stroking his back as he cries on my chest, “We’ll leave this place, and you will be with me. We will live together, and I will never leave you anymore… We’ll be together from now on…”
“…promise?” comes his muffled voice.
“I… I promise…” I try to wipe out that uncertainty. This time, I will keep this promise. I will never let you go again, Jae... I promise.
“Hyung?”
I raise my eyes from my cell phone. Jaejoong’s standing in front of the bathroom door, having just finished taking his bath. I can’t help but smile at him- his fluffy, newly dry hair, his now-clean porcelain skin, and the slightly big shirt-my shirt-he’s wearing…
This BooJae of mine…
“Feeling better now?” I move aside, signaling him to sit beside me. Jaejoong only nods while walking to my side and sits there, pulling his knees up and laying his chin on top of them, already looking sleepy.
After beating that guy earlier, I brought Jaejoong back to the hotel where I’m staying. We packed his belongings and left the house as soon as we can, and since Jaejoong doesn’t seem to have anything else beside the stuff he brought from our house before, packing and carrying the things was so much easier than I expected. On the way home, we stopped by a convenience store to buy a first aid kit and some toiletry needs for Jaejoong. The boy had been silent the entire time. I know he’s still scared from the way he grabs my hand tightly when the cashier looked at him with a curious look.
The first thing we did when we reached the hotel was clean ourselves. After taking a nice bath, I help him to put the medicine on his wound. Although there are only a few scratches on his face, his knees and arms are filled with wounds. I cringe each time I dab the cotton to his skin. I know he’s hurting yet he doesn’t show it. Why Jaejoongie? What happened to your whiny side? Where is my crybaby little brother?
But all those thoughts disappear as Jaejoong slowly leans his head onto my shoulder, still hugging his legs. I smile before putting my arms around him, bringing him closer as I stroke his arms. It’s like a heavy burden is lifted up from my shoulder. My brother hasn’t changed. He still needs me. I’m still someone who is important in his life.
“Are you sleepy?” I feel him nod against my shoulder, “Do you want to go to sleep now?” he keeps silent for a moment, before shaking his head.
“I’m afraid… I’m afraid that this is only a dream, hyung… I’m afraid that when I wake up next time, you won’t be here… and I’ll still be in that place…” he mumbles with such a soft, fragile voice that I myself am afraid to interrupt as I might break it.
“I don’t want to be alone anymore…”
I move my hand to reach for his, grabbing it before keeping it inside my warmer one, “I’m here, okay? I won’t leave you anymore… haven’t I promised to stay by your side?”
Something falls down to my lap and I realize it’s a tear drop.
“But you always say that in my dreams… you always promise you won’t go… you always promise you will stay… but I keep waking up again, and I find out that you are not real… that you were nothing more than a dream… and… and I’m still all alone…”
“I’m so scared, hyung, please don’t go…”
“Please, hyung…” he’s crying.
My Jaejoong is crying, and it’s because of me.
I don’t know which hurt my heart more, him crying because of those dreams or me being such useless big brother…
Useless, heartless big brother who left him alone to face it all. A big brother who was living in such happiness and had no clues at all that his own brother was suffering.
Yet after all of this, his one and only brother still looked up to him…
I can feel my own eyes burning. I blink a couple of times, trying to control the situation, my own emotions, but I can’t. Tears are starting to fall down and I can’t do anything except let them go, creating wet trails on my cheeks.
“I’m sorry, Jae… I’m so sorry… if there’s anything I can do, if I could turn back the time, I will surely take your place! I will come sooner instead of waiting for your mails; I will run to save you instead of waiting for your call… I’m sorry, Jae… I’m so sorry…
“Will you forgive me…?”
Jaejoong gazes up to my teary eyes, sucks his own lips, and whispers, “…if you keep your promise…”
I let out a nervous chuckle and can only embrace him with my arms. My little brother, my one and only little brother…
I swear I will never let you cry again…
We stay silent for some moments until I remember he’s sleepy. I nudge him slowly.
“Hey, Boo, didn’t you say you’re sleepy?”
Jaejoong nods hesitantly, I know he’s still uncertain about this all. There are so many things that happened today and I don’t blame him. I too still can’t believe what I’ve done today, how many things I’ve done for him today. But I can see almost visible dark areas around his eyes, and rest is the best way to get rid of it.
I glance at my side, where Bambi sits nicely on top of his pillow. I wish he’s still a little kid so I can just sing him to sleep or maybe use Bambi to ask him, but things have changed. I can still remember his hard expression when I treated his wounds.
I stroke his plastered cheek gently, “Don’t worry, I won’t leave you. Just go to sleep, I’ll be here holding your hands… or holding you all night long…”
Something flashed in his eyes, “really?”
“Sure…” I let out a smirk while pushing him to my side, pulling the blanket to cover him up before sliding myself beside him. Doubts are still clear in his eyes, so I let go of his hand and instead put my arms around him, just like what I used to do.
“You know? I’ve been doing some research on the song umma used to sing for you…” I try to start. I’m not sure myself if this song can send him to sleep, but seeing him still quiet, I continue, “I think I’m able to sing the whole song completely now,” I add a smile after that.
“Do you want me to sing it just like old times?”
Jaejoong nods once more before snuggling his head into his pillow, trying to find a more comfortable position, and I can feel the corner of my lips go up. He really is my little brother.
“You’ve always amazed me,
Your smiling face matches your inner self.
I won’t cry anymore, while hugging you,
I won’t say goodbye…
Even though, previously, I pretended not to see you.
You’ll be fine, you’ll still be in my mind…”
Jaejoong’s eyes are lowering and I know sleep is getting to him.
“Baby sky…
All the dreams and hopes are made of your eyes.
Tomorrow, certainly the sky will clear up, just like you are here with me…”
I stop, knowing he’s already lost in sleep. I don’t know why, but it seems that he always falls asleep after that part. It’s a little bit weird, but he’s Jaejoongie, my Jaejoongie, and he’s perfect just the way he is…
I pull back my hand and stroke his cheek, tracing random trails and try as hard as I can not to touch those scratched spots. He’s just so fragile, and fully mine to protect. I will do anything to keep anything from happening to him from now on.
Hhh… after all that hard thinking leaves my mind, I can finally think back on how glad and easy I feel now, with Jaejoong sleeping peacefully beside me. He’s back, we’re back together again, and things will be just like when we were little.
Come to think of it, after all the things that happened today, finally I’m able to smell his real scent, not the iron-like scent or random smell he caught outside, but this smell. The smell is different, and I never smell it anywhere besides from him. It’s weird, but I don’t care; someone had taught me that people have their own special scents, and only a couple of their closest persons can smell it.
It’s like a couple thing or something.
Wait. It’s not like I’m in love with him or something. Well, I do love him; he is my little brother, the only family I have left. He’s the person I care the most for in this whole world, and I will do anything to keep him happy. It’s just like that; it’s a family thing, right? I’m sure my friends are able to smell their siblings’ special scent. Yes, I will ask them later when I go back.
I stare at his sleeping form for quite a long time.
I know nothing’s wrong with me.
originally posted here.
pg-13 | au, angst, fluff | 5/??
aitakutemo beta-ed by the_ladder
"all the dreams and hopes made of your eyes..." -jung yunho, a 12-year-old boy who's only living with his 8-year-old little brother, jung jaejoong. after their parents died, they lived in the big mansion with all the riches they inherited, and learning to accept the truth and face their upcoming life on their own. they managed to survive of course, having each other by their side. but the problem doesn’t stop there. first, they had to face the fact that they would get kicked out their house and get adopted. and if that's not enough, one of them finally realizes there's something more than just brotherly love between them.
warning: incest
Chapter 5
“Jaejoongie!”
I freeze, trying to catch my breath as my brain starts working on figuring out my surroundings. I’m sweating and my left hand is clenched into a fist. I shake my head before moving my other hand to scratch my already messy hair.
It’s just a dream, just a dream.
Jaejoongie’s fine, it’s just a dream, nothing bad is happening, calm down, Yunho.
I glance to my side and reach for my cell; 06.21 AM. I still have another 9 minutes before the alarm rings. I turn the alarm off before once again scratching my hair and letting out a yawn. I’m so excited that I can feel an urge to get ready and leave early.
Yes, today’s the day I finally got mother and father’s permission to go to Jaejoong’s place. Today’s the day that I will go and search for him. It’s been 3 years since he last called me, and there hasn’t been a single post either. I was so worried that he might be hurt or something worse, but somehow I can just feel that he’s still there, still waiting for me to take him back.
I throw my feet over the side of the bed and stand up, stretching once again as I make my way to the bathroom to start yet another morning routine. I walk to the sink and splash the cold water against my face, making me shiver at the freezing sensation. I blink and look up to my reflection in the mirror.
“You’ve changed a lot, huh?”
I wonder how my Jaejoongie looks now, how tall is he? Has he gotten fatter? Did he change to another hairstyle? My heart pounds faster as the excitement waves through my whole body. I can’t wait to meet him, to wrap my arms around his smaller figure and feel his smaller hands around my waist, like he used to…
Like he used to…
All the excitement starts to wear off as the disturbing nightmares start filling my head.
Has he changed much?
Will he stop relying on me?
What if he’s not my BooJae anymore?
Heck, what if anything had happened…
I force my hand to splash another handful of water. I should not think of these kinds of things. My Jaejoongie is alright. Sometimes I can feel him calling for me. My Jaejoongie won’t change. I’m still his Yunho-hyung and he’s still my one and only Boo Jaejoongie, my beloved little brother.
“Oppa…?”
I shake my head before answering, “yeah, Ji Hye?”
“Are you awake?” she asks.
I tell her to wait and use my towel to wipe my face while walking to the door.
“What is it?” I open the door and look at her uniformed figure standing outside my room. Her hair is tied into a ponytail and she’s already looking happy.
“Umma said if you’re already awake and quick enough, I could maybe come with you to the station! And since you’re awake now, why you don’t get ready faster so we could go soon? Because I don’t think umma would let you go before breakfast and there’s no way I could make her sure I won’t be late for school, but I still want to go with you-”
“…huh?” My brain is still trying to process what she just said.
“Can you please get ready now?” she pushes me back to my room, “five minutes, okay?” And with that she closes the door and leaves me confused. Sigh, I will never understand girls, even though I’ve spent the last five years living under the same roof with one. Yesterday she was worried about me going to find Jaejoong, but now look who’s excited.
I let out a sigh again. Well, at least I am…
The station is packed with people, just like usual. I look around and spot my bus park in the far corner. Finally, just a couple of hours more and I’ll be able to meet my little brother. I can feel my heart beating faster and faster in the last minutes. I can’t wait to get on and-
“Oppa…”
I forgot Ji Hye is still with me. I turn my head and point to the bus, “I’ve found the bus, there! See?”
“Yes,” she smiles and I smile back. I know she’s still worried, I’ve known her long enough to know how she would act if there is something that is making her uncomfortable. So I just pat her head lightly.
“Hey, don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine…”
“It’s not that…” she bites her upper lip and tries to look anywhere but my eyes, “I’m afraid… you won’t come back to us…”
I narrow my eyes, “really? Why do you think so?”
“Well… it’s just…” she pauses, looking a bit hesitant, before finally looking back to my eyes, “just promise me you will come back, please, oppa?”
I laugh, but stop when I see how serious she is, “yes, Ji Hye-yah, I will come back, I promise.”
She smiles again, but this time a genuine one, just in time when someone announces that my bus is going to depart soon. I reposition my bag and take one deep breath.
“I guess… it’s time for me to go? Take care of mother and father for me, okay? I’ll see you soon!” I am just starting to walk back when she touches my shoulder. I turn and tilt my head, “What is it?”
“Er…” She bites her lip again, “it’s just… I have something to tell you…”
“Yes?”
“Oppa, I…”
“Huh?”
“I have something to tell you, it’s-“
“All the passengers for bus number 17 are expected to get into the bus-“
“Ji Hye, hurry! Or I’m going to miss my bus!” I try to joke, but she only bites her lip harder before finally pulling her hand back from my shoulder.
“… take care of yourself too…”
“Hahaha, you don’t have to worry about me, I can take care of myself, it’s you and mother and father who I’m worried about. Take care of yourself too, okay? I’ll be back soon!”
Ji Hye looks relaxed and she nods before giving me a last wave, “see you, oppa, I will miss you!”
“Yes, I will too! Bye bye, Ji Hye!” I wave back as I walk backwards to my bus. I’m not lying, I am going to miss them, they’ve been like my family for the past years, and I can’t be more grateful for that. They are very kind towards me, and I even treat Ji Hye like my own little sister.
But well, I’m not going to think about that now. The most important thing is Jaejoongie, and he will be my priority from now on. I lean my head on the window and stare blankly at anything I could see.
“Jaejoongie, wait for me…”
I lose hope.
This is the second day I’m in the city written in Jaejoong’s letters. I’ve been searching everywhere but I just can’t find the address he’s in. God, don’t tell me he used a fake address. No, no, please no…
I grip the coffee mug I’m holding harder. Am I thinking of giving up? What am I thinking? Haven’t I promised myself that I will find him even if it’s the last thing I do? I promised him that I will take him back.
What kind of brother am I?
I realize I’m gripping the mug so hard that my hand is turning red. I release it with a deep sigh before gulping the last remains inside.
“Jaejoongie, where are you?” I whisper slowly. I know I shouldn’t be like this, but my hope is fading. I’m afraid I might not be in the corner, heck, the right city. I’m afraid that I might be too late…
I shake my head. No, I shouldn’t think of that. He’s still alive and he’s still waiting for me. What am I doing here when I should be out there looking for him? I quickly stand up and walk out of the store. But as I step outside and look around, I stop.
Where should I go next?
I take out my cell, where I saved his address, and look at it for the hundredth time this day. I’ve memorized it already, but I just still can’t find the address. Where can I find this place? This…
Wait...
I turn back and look up, and my eyes widen as I see the writing below the little café’s name.
I’m at the right area!
Something bursts in my chest and I feel another rush of energy running through my body. Jaejoong is close! We are close! And I didn’t even realize it before! I dash back to the café and go straight to the cashier, showing the address and asking for directions. Thankfully she knew about the place. I bow down couple of times before running straight into the street. She said the place is not far from here, only a couple minutes of walking. I keep running as I try to remember her directions. Turn left, left again, straight…
I stop to catch my breath. I’ve been running since I left the shop and now I really need to stop for a second. I lay my hand on the wall as I breathe heavily. I should have agreed when father asked me to join him for a jog every morning. I grip my hands harder. I just can’t waste any more time, can I?
Something bumps my shoulder. I turn and see a girl holding her own shoulder. I can’t see her face because it is pretty much covered with her short hair, but I know it’s a girl from her white skin and red lips. I examine her; her clothing is a bit large for her small form. I wonder if she’s poor or something?
It’s a good thing I’m still trying to catch my breath, if not, I might start shouting at her to let out my frustration. Can’t she see me standing here? Where are her eyes? But seeing how she is, I just mumble ‘be careful when walking’. The girl doesn’t say anything, only walks past me slowly. What a weird kid.
I have the urge to hold her back and ask her if I can help her, but I shouldn’t be worrying about another person right now. I still have to find Jaejoong. After deciding it would be better if I just walk, I continue walking in the direction the cashier had told me before. I keep walking and walking until finally I stop in front of a medium-sized house.
Is this where Jaejoong lives? It looks normal to me…
I pull out my cell to once again re-check the address. The house number is right; this must be the house. I put it back into my pocket before straightening my jacket and wipe my forehead. Here it goes-
“Didn’t I tell you not to come back before you got my soju!?”
“You brat, answer me! You must’ve been visiting that playground again, didn’t you? What? Do you think I’m scared of your glare?”
“Too bad you’re stuck with us. I don’t care whether you are just a kid. Didn’t you always like to wonder how it feels to be a grown up? Well, this’ grownups’ life, kid! You have to work to make your life!”
“Now don’t make me hit you again, I’m not in the mood to give you a lesson!”
What’s happening there? I peek through the fence and see someone’s back. The person’s still shouting some words that I can’t catch clearly. I put my hands on the fence, wanting to tiptoe to see what’s happening. I know I’m not supposed to do this, but those words don’t seem nice at all.
The fence makes a squeak sound and I realize it’s not locked. Can I come in? It’s the right address, right? I glance again at the address board. It’s correct. I only hope the address he gave me is right.
I walk as slowly as I can when I see someone thrown my way. I back up a bit as I realize it’s the girl who bumped into me earlier. Did that man abuse her? After regaining some focus, I walk quickly to her, wanting to help her stand, but what I saw next was really something I never expected…
The kid turns to me, and I can now clearly see the face behind those dark bangs. It’s covered with some traces of dry and fresh blood, but I still remember those eyes, those lips, those cheeks…
“Ja…”
I gape. I lose my voice. I lose my breath. I can only stand in my spot, frozen.
“Y… Yunho-hyung…?”
“…”
“What?” a man appears from behind the wall and stares at me, “Who are you!? Get the hell out of my place!”
---BUGH!
The man is thrown a back by my punch, which landed straight on his left cheek. I don’t know anymore. I can’t think straight. The only thing in my mind is to finish this man in front of me.
And I will.
“YAH! What was that for, you brat!?” he touches his cheek, glaring at me. “You’ll pay for this!” he starts to stand up, but my leg is faster than him. I kick his head and catch a glimpse of blood as his head is snapped to one side.
“Wha-“
---BUGH!!
Another fist lands on his cheek as I pull his shirt and force him to face me.
“Fuck you! What were you doing to my little brother!?”
“Your little brother? What kind of joke is this-“
---BUGH!!
“Answer me, you sick, son of a bitch.”
“HE IS MINE, so I can treat him however I want!”
I’m so angry, no, furious. I keep beating him, landing my fist on his face. Gradually, he starts to beg me to stop, but I just won’t stop. My fist moves on its own. Another punch… another punch… another punch…
“Hyung…”
I stop. I look down again to the now-beaten guy below me. He’s a mess now, barely unconscious, with blood all over his face. My whole body trembles with anger, my breathing is hard and short. I turn to Jaejoong, who has a scared look plastered on his face.
“Hyung…” he’s trembling.
“Jaejoongie, I…” my voice is filled with guilt. Did I scare him? I look back at my hands, traces of the man’s blood is covering them. I release his collar before looking back at my one and only little brother. Please don’t tell me he’s scared of me…
“Jaejoongie, I…” Thankfully I was wrong because in the next second he runs to my side, putting his arms around my waist, just like what he used to do, except in this one hug, I can feel his gladness, his fear, his confusion, his worry, everything. I hesitantly put my arms around his form, afraid that he might go away if I do anything wrong. This isn’t a dream, I am finally able to have him in my embrace.
I pull his body closer to mine, letting him snuggle into my chest. I’m so speechless that all I can do is just placing my arms there to cover him, to make him sure he’s got me, finally.
“Jae, I’m so sorry I didn’t come earlier… I’m so sorry I bumped into you, yet I didn’t realize it was you. I’m so sorry I… Just came today…” these words come swiftly out of my lips. Jaejoong doesn’t say anything, but I know he’s crying from the feel of something wetting my shirt.
“I’m so sorry, Jae, I’m so sorry… I’m here now, you’ll be fine… I’m here, I’ll protect you…” I keep stroking his back as he cries on my chest, “We’ll leave this place, and you will be with me. We will live together, and I will never leave you anymore… We’ll be together from now on…”
“…promise?” comes his muffled voice.
“I… I promise…” I try to wipe out that uncertainty. This time, I will keep this promise. I will never let you go again, Jae... I promise.
“Hyung?”
I raise my eyes from my cell phone. Jaejoong’s standing in front of the bathroom door, having just finished taking his bath. I can’t help but smile at him- his fluffy, newly dry hair, his now-clean porcelain skin, and the slightly big shirt-my shirt-he’s wearing…
This BooJae of mine…
“Feeling better now?” I move aside, signaling him to sit beside me. Jaejoong only nods while walking to my side and sits there, pulling his knees up and laying his chin on top of them, already looking sleepy.
After beating that guy earlier, I brought Jaejoong back to the hotel where I’m staying. We packed his belongings and left the house as soon as we can, and since Jaejoong doesn’t seem to have anything else beside the stuff he brought from our house before, packing and carrying the things was so much easier than I expected. On the way home, we stopped by a convenience store to buy a first aid kit and some toiletry needs for Jaejoong. The boy had been silent the entire time. I know he’s still scared from the way he grabs my hand tightly when the cashier looked at him with a curious look.
The first thing we did when we reached the hotel was clean ourselves. After taking a nice bath, I help him to put the medicine on his wound. Although there are only a few scratches on his face, his knees and arms are filled with wounds. I cringe each time I dab the cotton to his skin. I know he’s hurting yet he doesn’t show it. Why Jaejoongie? What happened to your whiny side? Where is my crybaby little brother?
But all those thoughts disappear as Jaejoong slowly leans his head onto my shoulder, still hugging his legs. I smile before putting my arms around him, bringing him closer as I stroke his arms. It’s like a heavy burden is lifted up from my shoulder. My brother hasn’t changed. He still needs me. I’m still someone who is important in his life.
“Are you sleepy?” I feel him nod against my shoulder, “Do you want to go to sleep now?” he keeps silent for a moment, before shaking his head.
“I’m afraid… I’m afraid that this is only a dream, hyung… I’m afraid that when I wake up next time, you won’t be here… and I’ll still be in that place…” he mumbles with such a soft, fragile voice that I myself am afraid to interrupt as I might break it.
“I don’t want to be alone anymore…”
I move my hand to reach for his, grabbing it before keeping it inside my warmer one, “I’m here, okay? I won’t leave you anymore… haven’t I promised to stay by your side?”
Something falls down to my lap and I realize it’s a tear drop.
“But you always say that in my dreams… you always promise you won’t go… you always promise you will stay… but I keep waking up again, and I find out that you are not real… that you were nothing more than a dream… and… and I’m still all alone…”
“I’m so scared, hyung, please don’t go…”
“Please, hyung…” he’s crying.
My Jaejoong is crying, and it’s because of me.
I don’t know which hurt my heart more, him crying because of those dreams or me being such useless big brother…
Useless, heartless big brother who left him alone to face it all. A big brother who was living in such happiness and had no clues at all that his own brother was suffering.
Yet after all of this, his one and only brother still looked up to him…
I can feel my own eyes burning. I blink a couple of times, trying to control the situation, my own emotions, but I can’t. Tears are starting to fall down and I can’t do anything except let them go, creating wet trails on my cheeks.
“I’m sorry, Jae… I’m so sorry… if there’s anything I can do, if I could turn back the time, I will surely take your place! I will come sooner instead of waiting for your mails; I will run to save you instead of waiting for your call… I’m sorry, Jae… I’m so sorry…
“Will you forgive me…?”
Jaejoong gazes up to my teary eyes, sucks his own lips, and whispers, “…if you keep your promise…”
I let out a nervous chuckle and can only embrace him with my arms. My little brother, my one and only little brother…
I swear I will never let you cry again…
We stay silent for some moments until I remember he’s sleepy. I nudge him slowly.
“Hey, Boo, didn’t you say you’re sleepy?”
Jaejoong nods hesitantly, I know he’s still uncertain about this all. There are so many things that happened today and I don’t blame him. I too still can’t believe what I’ve done today, how many things I’ve done for him today. But I can see almost visible dark areas around his eyes, and rest is the best way to get rid of it.
I glance at my side, where Bambi sits nicely on top of his pillow. I wish he’s still a little kid so I can just sing him to sleep or maybe use Bambi to ask him, but things have changed. I can still remember his hard expression when I treated his wounds.
I stroke his plastered cheek gently, “Don’t worry, I won’t leave you. Just go to sleep, I’ll be here holding your hands… or holding you all night long…”
Something flashed in his eyes, “really?”
“Sure…” I let out a smirk while pushing him to my side, pulling the blanket to cover him up before sliding myself beside him. Doubts are still clear in his eyes, so I let go of his hand and instead put my arms around him, just like what I used to do.
“You know? I’ve been doing some research on the song umma used to sing for you…” I try to start. I’m not sure myself if this song can send him to sleep, but seeing him still quiet, I continue, “I think I’m able to sing the whole song completely now,” I add a smile after that.
“Do you want me to sing it just like old times?”
Jaejoong nods once more before snuggling his head into his pillow, trying to find a more comfortable position, and I can feel the corner of my lips go up. He really is my little brother.
“You’ve always amazed me,
Your smiling face matches your inner self.
I won’t cry anymore, while hugging you,
I won’t say goodbye…
Even though, previously, I pretended not to see you.
You’ll be fine, you’ll still be in my mind…”
Jaejoong’s eyes are lowering and I know sleep is getting to him.
“Baby sky…
All the dreams and hopes are made of your eyes.
Tomorrow, certainly the sky will clear up, just like you are here with me…”
I stop, knowing he’s already lost in sleep. I don’t know why, but it seems that he always falls asleep after that part. It’s a little bit weird, but he’s Jaejoongie, my Jaejoongie, and he’s perfect just the way he is…
I pull back my hand and stroke his cheek, tracing random trails and try as hard as I can not to touch those scratched spots. He’s just so fragile, and fully mine to protect. I will do anything to keep anything from happening to him from now on.
Hhh… after all that hard thinking leaves my mind, I can finally think back on how glad and easy I feel now, with Jaejoong sleeping peacefully beside me. He’s back, we’re back together again, and things will be just like when we were little.
Come to think of it, after all the things that happened today, finally I’m able to smell his real scent, not the iron-like scent or random smell he caught outside, but this smell. The smell is different, and I never smell it anywhere besides from him. It’s weird, but I don’t care; someone had taught me that people have their own special scents, and only a couple of their closest persons can smell it.
It’s like a couple thing or something.
Wait. It’s not like I’m in love with him or something. Well, I do love him; he is my little brother, the only family I have left. He’s the person I care the most for in this whole world, and I will do anything to keep him happy. It’s just like that; it’s a family thing, right? I’m sure my friends are able to smell their siblings’ special scent. Yes, I will ask them later when I go back.
I stare at his sleeping form for quite a long time.
I know nothing’s wrong with me.
originally posted here.