my life and my coffee cup: sometimes grounds can be a concern...
so I finally feel I have something to say. or at least something i'd like some feedback on. and, in typical "kimachu-style", this is NOT going to be noted for it's brevity. well, tough tomatoes - you know some of you have -FAR- too much time on your hands...read this instead of responding to a meme for a few minutes. (ducks) heh
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All that...but, there's more too. If the person is a stay home parent, they also get another level of this. The child comes first, 24/7. Not merely when they are with other people do they see the evidence of the the kid being who they are. There is this child that seems permanently attached to their hip...literally. I remember the first time I got out without the baby. It was freeing. It wasn't just that I could have an adult conversation without someone talking to or about the kid...it was the fact that I did not have to be on constant baby-duty. Parents crave that more than you can know, but we also feel, when they are very young, as if it is an imposition to ask anyone to sit for us. If you have any friends who are within decent driving distance that are fading from your life, a good way to firm up those bonds is to offer to sit for them. Anyone who does that for a parent is precious in the eyes of that care giver. Otherwise, what happens is that the person may *want* you in their lives, but may feel a total burden to you because they aren't able to do the things they once did with you.
In other words, in order for the friendship to continue, it has to adapt to this all important new arrival.
so, in this case let ME applaud YOU for keeping the faith...or at the very least for adding some excellent material to the ole' gene pool and our society, too.
It was hard...I can tell you that, and I've made some *huge* mistakes along the way. It wasn't exactly planned, my being a parent. As I said previously, I never *ever* thought I would make a good one, and wanted nothing to do with it. Squish was a total surprise. Surprise...not mistake. And, in many ways, she grew me up, and I was in desperate need of it.
The one thing that I did that I don't think most do...
The second I knew I was pregnant, and the second I decided that I was going through with it, I made a committment *not* to be a fuck-up in this other persons life. I didn't want to become my own parents. It was the *hardest* thing I have ever done, because it took *constant* total awareness. I had to question every little thing I did. Was I doing a thing because it was a good idea, or because it was what I had seen my own parents do? But, eventually, it becomes secondary to do that, and a lot easier.
Parenting is not as hard as it seems...it's learning a few little tricks that is hard (as obvious as they may seem). Treat this person as you would want to be treated. Make no action or decision that is not out of love, and *never* act out of anger. Boundaries *are* a way to love others. Be honest with yourself about what you've done, and don't forget to apologize when you screw up.
And that, in a nutshell, is it...
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When I was a teenager, I remember my (much older, and married) cousin talking to me about procreating, and I said that I didn't want to be a parent. He seemed surprised by this, and made some inquiry like "Don't you want to carry on the family name?" I don't remember what I said, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't what I felt, which was that was a really stupid and selfish reason to bring another life into the world.
And the reality is there are a LOT of stupid and selfish people who have children for really stupid and selfish reasons, and the result is that we end up with stupid and selfish people becoming stupid and selfish parents of stupid and selfish children, who eventually become stupid and selfish parents, etc. etc. ad armageddon.
May I recommand the Childfree By Choice website, which includes some articles you may find reassuring. I particularly recommend the third and fifth ones on the Potpourri page, but there's plenty of value to be had there that will make you feel better about your own decision (and there is NOTHING to feel guilty about in it) as well as helping you cope with friends who are parents while maintaining mutual boundaries of respect.
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So, it isn't *all* on me. You had to make that decision yourself, and are rising to the challenge.
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furthermore, i'd be willing to bet that the major screw-ups you feel you've made with your daughter would not necessarily be interpretted as such by her - perspective again becomes everything.
S- thanks for the website; i'll be checking into it.
L- thanks for sharing such an honest perspective - a lot of people aren't willing to even think that they may have made a less-than-perfect decision here and there. i think that may be why so many kids get inconsistant messages from their folks.
Squish - if you're reading this, please be aware that your folks, here, truly RAWK! (that's high praise in geek-speak, ya know)
and to both of you - ya manage to made a -DAMN- fine couple in the process... keep with it - you're a good example to those around you whether you're aware or not...;)
so nyah.
:)
-kim
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Yeah...I *have* done some stoopid things along the way. But, to me, it's important to be willing to see exactly that. It's the folks that *don't* admit to having screwed up that scare me, just as you allude to above.
As to the "us" part of it...well, we're not a perfect couple either. But, we're good with that. We both screw up here too. But, there is no perfect thing out there anywhere.
To paraphrase "Batman Begins". It's not what we think or feel that matters...it's what we do that defines us.
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