my life and my coffee cup: sometimes grounds can be a concern...
so I finally feel I have something to say. or at least something i'd like some feedback on. and, in typical "kimachu-style", this is NOT going to be noted for it's brevity. well, tough tomatoes - you know some of you have -FAR- too much time on your hands...read this instead of responding to a meme for a few minutes. (ducks) heh...
It's actually been eating at me for a bit, so if this sounds not so well-thought-out, I can only blame the fact that it's been building for a while and now everything is rushing to get out all at the same time. kind of similar something bursting though an earthen dam - but words instead of water.
hmmm.
i find i use a -lot- of water imagery when talking about my head and my thought process these days - so, here's a tangent and a question: is that maybe the whole Jungian pictorially-literal "stream of universal consciousness" that i'm tapping? or is it more like my piscine nature fizzing on through?
Anyway, back to my original drivel (or deluge, in keeping with the h20 analogies): I feel like common grounds are becoming less and less common among my closest friends and me. As the physical distance has grown, on some level they've become more important to me in many ways, but it seems we have less and less to talk about, other than the occasional reminiscing. Which is fine, don't get me wrong, but i want to be planning to MAKE memories with my friends, not just re-hashing the old ones. I think I've figured out the reason - and I'm pretty sure I will inadvertently offend someone with this, but I have to put it in writing just to get it out of my head (and i'm really interested in the responses, if any, too.)
That reason is the presence of a child or children in their life - that parenthood thing - versus the lack of any child/ren and the lack of desire to ever have one of my own in my life.
That said, I want to note this: My brother and sister-in-law gave me the coolest xmas gift ever - i am the proud aunt of Isabella Clara Hope (known hereafter as Bella/Bella-bear/Bella-bunny). Two weeks later, Rafe's sister gifted us with Emily Katheryn Cook (known hereafter as Eeeck!) and i am a kinda-sorta-aunt for her, too. i absolutely love these little girls! and...i absolutely do NOT want to be a mother.
Furthermore, a little over 3 years ago, my best friend, Tami, made me the godmother of her daughter Alexandra. i also absolutely love this kid. (Alex rocks - seriously...she's cool!) And there is still no way in hell that I want to be a parent. I'm very glad that Rafe shares this sentiment with me (it saves a lot of arguements). I like being the "crazy aunt" - i am Anti-Kim...and i love the fact that someday I will be able to take these girls shopping for clothes that their fathers wouldn't approve of or out to a somewhat scandalous movie or concert or to try sushi or thai food or to sneak them their first beer/drink...i had 2 "crazy aunts" and the memories i have with them are precious to me. i want to be that person to these little girls...and any other of their kids that happen to come along.
Please don't take this as an "Anti-Kid" speech or an anti-anything rant. While I am for zero-population growth and i totally believe some people just never should have been allowed to become parents, I'm not really Anti-Kid. I'm Anti-Kim-as-a-mother...and of course against all asshats ever becoming parents.
I just can't come up th anything else that could be causing the loss of my aforementioned common ground. Cases in point for me would be my 2 best friends. They are both in Buffalo, and the fact that I can't just drive over to see them is a permanent ache that i've learned to live with - that is, i always miss them, but i choose to be with my sweetie - he is where my HOME is and where my heart is. But, even if the distance wasn't a factor, I'm not sure I'd know what to do once I drove over there.
My girlfriend Karen has 2 beautiful daughters that are going to drive their Daddy to the nut house. heh. it's great. They're 7 and 4 and are as different from each other as night and day. I love them, too. But long gone (about 7 years past to be exact) are the days when Karen and I would hit the Albright Knox Art Gallery or go to the antique mart or walk the mall or go for coffee to one of the edgy, but cute, little coffee shops in Allentown/Downtown Buffalo. Gone are our forays to the liquor store to try different wines and gone are the plays, the opera, the Shakespeare in the Park days. Sadly, her paintings are also gone - she doesn't have time to be an artist anymore. So is her music - we really were going to perform Barber's Adagio for Strings... those were rich days. we hardly speak anymore. when i'm in town and we meet up, we pick up where we left off like nothing has happened, but time passes and it's getting harder and harder to follow the thread of the conversation back.
In the past, I would have gone over to Tami's and we'd go out for ice cream or drive up to Toronto to spend the day shopping around and just hanging out; we'd laugh and talk about places we want to take our "girl's only" vacations to and the concerts we'd hit and how weird it was that so many of our friends were doing the whole "settle down, make a family" thing, and don't you miss seeing her around now and then and then we'd hit the clubs and dance our asses off, being catty and silly and tipsy and just revelling in being ourselves, together.
AND HOW'S THAT FOR A FUCKER OF A RUN-ON SENTENCE, HUH???? ;P
Frick and Frack. Mutt and Jeff. Nancy and Sluggo. Thelma and Louise...i don't know, pick a couple of forever friends doing epic forever-friend activities. Alright, I know - that's not EVERY day...we'd be exhausted. (I'm sure or rather, I hope, that you've all had best friends where, in hind-sight, "epic" is what it seemed like.) Time blurs like that, you know?
I can't go to Brooklyn anymore to see my brother and sit up until 4 AM, drinking wine or Wild Turkey and smoking a fantastic array of cigars or tobacco in the hookah with Tom Waites croaking in the background. He and my incredible sister-in-law won't be running off to sushi at 9 PM with me and drinking sake until we're dizzy with the giggles and can hardly hail a cab to get home, much less even find the easy-pass for the subway in one's pocket.
They're parents now and it's an adventure that I can't really share in - don't want to share in. but in the same sense, i really wish i could find some common ground again. just a little and something in the now, not the then. I'd like to call and bitch about our wretched government or share a new recipe or tell of a new restaurant/location/trip/song something - ANYTHING - but what i end up asking is how they're doing and how are the kids. because I genuinely want to know. I just don't want the conversation to stop there. Or the visit to end early. Or to segue into "oh, such and such was happening, but you know how it is, i couldn't get a sitter" or "i wanted to, but i had to do (insert child-related activity here)".
They have no time for themselves- which i think says a lot for them as parents - they are fully invested in their child/ren. That's a nice change to see in our society where TV is raising the kids more than the parents are. Granted, I know this will change as the kids get into their teens, but at the nearest, that's 11 years away from now. 11 years and i'll be 45.
i don't know. i guess i just want to know how to relate - how to still be a good friend and not come off as resentful of these incredible kids. or to make any of them feel that i think less of them because they chose to be a mom or a dad. these people know and love me, regardless of the fact that i won't go down that path.
oh and here's another pet-peeve/aside: with others, it's not that easy. i don't like to be looked at as the "aberrant" one because i don't want kids! everytime i voice my stance, i am told (without FAIL!) "oh, you'll change your mind". no, i won't. i will probably always have pets. i will NEVER have a child of my own. (i will embrace parenthood if and ONLY if some horrible circumstance makes me a legal guardian of one of the mentioned kids... and frankly, i DON'T want to think about the possibility of that kind of sorrow in my life. or anyone else's.) i guess i just need to let go of the past and look for new things to do with my friends/family that include the children, too. but i feel like i can't even speak my mind freely or be "me" - little ears hear a lot and the little mouths tell exactly the wrong people what they heard. it's comical sometimes, but i don't want to be a true negative influence, all "crazy aunt" antics aside.
still, i can't shake the feeling that my friends are in a way lost to me now. it's like we're on separate bridges and they're parallel so we can talk back and forth, but it's still 2 separate paths. is anyone else out there on the same bridge as me/we?
to my friends reading this that have embraced parenthood: you're incredible, you're brave, you've got the hope of tomorrow in your care. and i think that's exactly where the hope should be - with truly good people. i'm glad you're doing a job i can't and won't. someone's got to - we need more kickass folks like yourselves and less of the ones that make up the Jerry Springer cast and audience.
drivel done. man, that was almost painful.
cheers, all.
-the kimachu/Anti-kim
It's actually been eating at me for a bit, so if this sounds not so well-thought-out, I can only blame the fact that it's been building for a while and now everything is rushing to get out all at the same time. kind of similar something bursting though an earthen dam - but words instead of water.
hmmm.
i find i use a -lot- of water imagery when talking about my head and my thought process these days - so, here's a tangent and a question: is that maybe the whole Jungian pictorially-literal "stream of universal consciousness" that i'm tapping? or is it more like my piscine nature fizzing on through?
Anyway, back to my original drivel (or deluge, in keeping with the h20 analogies): I feel like common grounds are becoming less and less common among my closest friends and me. As the physical distance has grown, on some level they've become more important to me in many ways, but it seems we have less and less to talk about, other than the occasional reminiscing. Which is fine, don't get me wrong, but i want to be planning to MAKE memories with my friends, not just re-hashing the old ones. I think I've figured out the reason - and I'm pretty sure I will inadvertently offend someone with this, but I have to put it in writing just to get it out of my head (and i'm really interested in the responses, if any, too.)
That reason is the presence of a child or children in their life - that parenthood thing - versus the lack of any child/ren and the lack of desire to ever have one of my own in my life.
That said, I want to note this: My brother and sister-in-law gave me the coolest xmas gift ever - i am the proud aunt of Isabella Clara Hope (known hereafter as Bella/Bella-bear/Bella-bunny). Two weeks later, Rafe's sister gifted us with Emily Katheryn Cook (known hereafter as Eeeck!) and i am a kinda-sorta-aunt for her, too. i absolutely love these little girls! and...i absolutely do NOT want to be a mother.
Furthermore, a little over 3 years ago, my best friend, Tami, made me the godmother of her daughter Alexandra. i also absolutely love this kid. (Alex rocks - seriously...she's cool!) And there is still no way in hell that I want to be a parent. I'm very glad that Rafe shares this sentiment with me (it saves a lot of arguements). I like being the "crazy aunt" - i am Anti-Kim...and i love the fact that someday I will be able to take these girls shopping for clothes that their fathers wouldn't approve of or out to a somewhat scandalous movie or concert or to try sushi or thai food or to sneak them their first beer/drink...i had 2 "crazy aunts" and the memories i have with them are precious to me. i want to be that person to these little girls...and any other of their kids that happen to come along.
Please don't take this as an "Anti-Kid" speech or an anti-anything rant. While I am for zero-population growth and i totally believe some people just never should have been allowed to become parents, I'm not really Anti-Kid. I'm Anti-Kim-as-a-mother...and of course against all asshats ever becoming parents.
I just can't come up th anything else that could be causing the loss of my aforementioned common ground. Cases in point for me would be my 2 best friends. They are both in Buffalo, and the fact that I can't just drive over to see them is a permanent ache that i've learned to live with - that is, i always miss them, but i choose to be with my sweetie - he is where my HOME is and where my heart is. But, even if the distance wasn't a factor, I'm not sure I'd know what to do once I drove over there.
My girlfriend Karen has 2 beautiful daughters that are going to drive their Daddy to the nut house. heh. it's great. They're 7 and 4 and are as different from each other as night and day. I love them, too. But long gone (about 7 years past to be exact) are the days when Karen and I would hit the Albright Knox Art Gallery or go to the antique mart or walk the mall or go for coffee to one of the edgy, but cute, little coffee shops in Allentown/Downtown Buffalo. Gone are our forays to the liquor store to try different wines and gone are the plays, the opera, the Shakespeare in the Park days. Sadly, her paintings are also gone - she doesn't have time to be an artist anymore. So is her music - we really were going to perform Barber's Adagio for Strings... those were rich days. we hardly speak anymore. when i'm in town and we meet up, we pick up where we left off like nothing has happened, but time passes and it's getting harder and harder to follow the thread of the conversation back.
In the past, I would have gone over to Tami's and we'd go out for ice cream or drive up to Toronto to spend the day shopping around and just hanging out; we'd laugh and talk about places we want to take our "girl's only" vacations to and the concerts we'd hit and how weird it was that so many of our friends were doing the whole "settle down, make a family" thing, and don't you miss seeing her around now and then and then we'd hit the clubs and dance our asses off, being catty and silly and tipsy and just revelling in being ourselves, together.
AND HOW'S THAT FOR A FUCKER OF A RUN-ON SENTENCE, HUH???? ;P
Frick and Frack. Mutt and Jeff. Nancy and Sluggo. Thelma and Louise...i don't know, pick a couple of forever friends doing epic forever-friend activities. Alright, I know - that's not EVERY day...we'd be exhausted. (I'm sure or rather, I hope, that you've all had best friends where, in hind-sight, "epic" is what it seemed like.) Time blurs like that, you know?
I can't go to Brooklyn anymore to see my brother and sit up until 4 AM, drinking wine or Wild Turkey and smoking a fantastic array of cigars or tobacco in the hookah with Tom Waites croaking in the background. He and my incredible sister-in-law won't be running off to sushi at 9 PM with me and drinking sake until we're dizzy with the giggles and can hardly hail a cab to get home, much less even find the easy-pass for the subway in one's pocket.
They're parents now and it's an adventure that I can't really share in - don't want to share in. but in the same sense, i really wish i could find some common ground again. just a little and something in the now, not the then. I'd like to call and bitch about our wretched government or share a new recipe or tell of a new restaurant/location/trip/song something - ANYTHING - but what i end up asking is how they're doing and how are the kids. because I genuinely want to know. I just don't want the conversation to stop there. Or the visit to end early. Or to segue into "oh, such and such was happening, but you know how it is, i couldn't get a sitter" or "i wanted to, but i had to do (insert child-related activity here)".
They have no time for themselves- which i think says a lot for them as parents - they are fully invested in their child/ren. That's a nice change to see in our society where TV is raising the kids more than the parents are. Granted, I know this will change as the kids get into their teens, but at the nearest, that's 11 years away from now. 11 years and i'll be 45.
i don't know. i guess i just want to know how to relate - how to still be a good friend and not come off as resentful of these incredible kids. or to make any of them feel that i think less of them because they chose to be a mom or a dad. these people know and love me, regardless of the fact that i won't go down that path.
oh and here's another pet-peeve/aside: with others, it's not that easy. i don't like to be looked at as the "aberrant" one because i don't want kids! everytime i voice my stance, i am told (without FAIL!) "oh, you'll change your mind". no, i won't. i will probably always have pets. i will NEVER have a child of my own. (i will embrace parenthood if and ONLY if some horrible circumstance makes me a legal guardian of one of the mentioned kids... and frankly, i DON'T want to think about the possibility of that kind of sorrow in my life. or anyone else's.) i guess i just need to let go of the past and look for new things to do with my friends/family that include the children, too. but i feel like i can't even speak my mind freely or be "me" - little ears hear a lot and the little mouths tell exactly the wrong people what they heard. it's comical sometimes, but i don't want to be a true negative influence, all "crazy aunt" antics aside.
still, i can't shake the feeling that my friends are in a way lost to me now. it's like we're on separate bridges and they're parallel so we can talk back and forth, but it's still 2 separate paths. is anyone else out there on the same bridge as me/we?
to my friends reading this that have embraced parenthood: you're incredible, you're brave, you've got the hope of tomorrow in your care. and i think that's exactly where the hope should be - with truly good people. i'm glad you're doing a job i can't and won't. someone's got to - we need more kickass folks like yourselves and less of the ones that make up the Jerry Springer cast and audience.
drivel done. man, that was almost painful.
cheers, all.
-the kimachu/Anti-kim