i'm not tired, just exhausted, that's all.
how have i turned into someone so.. crazy? sometimes i think i'm really plain, and sometimes i feel like i'm the craziest person in the whole world.. just that i hide it better than the people in the institutions do. being manic depressive is like playing russian roulette. i'm not really sure if i am manic depressive, it's sort of a home diagnosis. and sometimes i feel like i'm the dumbest person in the whole world. i don't get things sometimes and that bothers me. but people tell me i'm smart, so i guess i am. but that's sort of like when people tell ugly girls that they're pretty so that they'll feel better. so maybe i really am a fat ugly stupid girl who people are trying to keep sane. but it's not working. today i was talking to my best friend about not leaving your i's unattended, running about in the street. they'll get drunk. because i don't like words that end in i. like brandi. or mandi or candi or any of those other cutesy names. i don't remember the actualy word we were discussing, but those words are good examples. they don't belong at the end of the word.they belong in the middle, with parent letters holding their hands. so don't leave them unattended, because they'll run out in the street and get hit by a car. and if they died, what would we do with words like.. like? it would be lke, and then where would we be? we would be eyeless, that's where. have you ever wanted to destroy someone? i guess that's probably a little too rageful. sometimes i do want to erase people, a person from my mind. but i don't, because they're a part of who i've become. but what happens when you don't likewhat you've become? i don't like who i am when i'm mad at him. he just does something that makes me so mad. only justin has ever done that to me. i want to be a better person and i don't want to get attatched to people the way i do, and i want to do my homework on time. and i don't want to cry at sad movies. i'm too emotional and i'm too .. wierd. i want to find a plain boy who with think that i'm exciting. and i want him to be crazy with me. i don't want to college. i want to do something that doesnt require all of that time wasted. an arbitraty effort to be more learned and cultured than you are. i want to be a famous fashion designer, or a singer, or a dancer. i wish i had talent. my biggest fear is failure, not making anything of myself. but i make no effort to succeed in school. i feel like i'm wasting my time. i'm not learning anything i'm ever going to use. except in business class. and i dont understand mean people. like my spanish teacher. he's just rude and condescending and he makes me feel | | this big. why does he do that? i don't want to feel that big. i want to feel as big as i am. i have too much sex with a boy i'm not supposed to. i don't do enough drugs. and i dont study enough. maybe if i did some drugs and studied i wouldnt have time for him. to spend all of my money driving to see him. when he tells me he wants to be my best friend who he can be pasisonate towards. i want a star struck love to die to.