Such Great Heights [Sehun/Lu Han]
Such Great Heights
EXO | Sehun/Lu Han | PG-13 | 4,199w
Fluff, Slight angst
Sehun is in love with Lu Han. Sometimes, Sehun feels that Lu Han loves him, too.
For xxbbq. I promised that I'd write her a HunHan fic last year. Um, better late than never? :D
Such Great Heights
I’m thinking it’s a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images
and when we kiss they’re perfectly aligned.
There is a faint beeping somewhere, an annoying and grating one, and Sehun is determined to find it and shut it down. His eyes flutter open just as the beeping stops, the morning sunlight filtering through the cracks in the curtains right on his face. He groans because it’s too early for anything, most especially being awake. He turns to his side and is met with tufts of dry, blonde hair.
“You’re going to be late for class,” Lu Han mutters, snuggling closer to Sehun.
The beeping starts again and Sehun sighs. He reaches out and slams the alarm clock off. “What if I just skip class today?” he asks, wrapping his arms back around Lu Han and pressing his lips to his forehead. “It’s practically end of term.”
“Sehun,” Lu Han finally opens his eyes to chide Sehun properly. “You are not skipping class again just to cuddle with me.” He pulls away from Sehun’s embrace and kicks him off the bed. He smiles when he hears the thump of Sehun’s body connecting with their hardwood floor.
“It’s too early for manhandling, Han,” Sehun grunts as he gets up and stretches his arms above his head. When he puts them down, he sees Lu Han looking at him appreciatively. He leans on the bed, face close enough to Lu Han’s. “If you promise that you’re not going to kick me off the bed again, you can have more of this.” He pats his abs.
Lu Han merely rolls his eyes. But he leans up and presses a kiss to his lips. “Go and shower,” he says. “I’ll make breakfast.”
Sehun pouts as he kisses Lu Han again before making his way to the bathroom. It probably isn’t a good idea to skip classes anyway just when he’s finally graduating. He smiles at the thought as he washes himself. After four years, he was finally leaving the classroom setting and was finally going to start work in a hospital as an intern.
Ever since his mother had succumbed to cancer, he’d told himself that he wasn’t going to allow sickness and lack of money to do that to anyone he cared about ever again. The only solution he could think of then was to become a doctor himself. So he worked part-time and got himself into medical school. It has been hard and stressful, but it all seems to be paying off. He’s on his way to becoming Dr. Oh.
“Sehun, breakfast is ready,” Lu Han calls from the kitchen just as he’s dressing up.
Sehun smiles as he hastily runs a hand through his wet hair and goes to the kitchen. Lu Han is washing the dishes, wearing a frilly yellow apron. He leans against the doorway and crosses his arms to appreciate the sight.
He and Lu Han met in school. Lu Han was a year older than him and definitely had cooler friends, running with the popular crowd, but, somehow, they became close. Lu Han helped him in a lot of his classes and made sure that he never failed a single thing because failing just meant he didn’t understand the subject. And, if there was something that Lu Han didn’t want to happen, it was that. Because medicine is an exact science. Lives are at stake and it’s imperative to understand everything because of this.
He and Lu Han didn’t stop at being friends. What started as a drunken kiss, ended up in moving in together after a year. And now here they are.
“Stop ogling at my ass,” Lu Han says, wiggling his backside for emphasis.
“Never,” Sehun replies as he takes his seat and grabs a piece of toast. “Come eat with me.” When Lu Han doesn’t move to sit down with him, he reaches out with his long arm and plants a yelping Lu Han on his lap. “Eat with me,” he repeats.
“So feisty in the morning,” Lu Han teases, taking a bite of Sehun’s toast.
“What time do you get in today?” Sehun asks. If he starts teasing Lu Han back, he’s never going to be able to get to class on time.
Lu Han glances at the wall clock. “There’s an operation at 10:30,” he answers. “Which means I have to start getting ready.”
Sehun nods and finishes his bread, taking his orange juice in one gulp. “I have to go, too,” he says, slowly getting up with him. “Don’t want to be late this close to leaving uni.” He winks at his boyfriend, who rolls his eyes.
“You’re already late, dumbass,” Lu Han scoffs, fixing the collar of his shirt and his hair. “Be good today.”
“I always am,” Sehun insists.
“Of course,” Lu Han smiles at him and Sehun leans down to kiss him.
“I love you,” Sehun whispers.
Sehun thinks there isn’t going to be a person he will love the way he loves Lu Han. Everything about them just fits so perfectly, their personalities, their habits, and their tempers. They clicked so fast that Sehun worried in the beginning that it could be a fluke. Sometimes clicking doesn’t mean working out. But Sehun can clearly see his future with Lu Han. Theirs is just something deep in his gut telling him that Lu Han is the one.
Sehun immediately knows he’s made a mistake by uttering those three words when Lu Han instantly pulls away.
“I’m going out with Chanyeol tonight,” Lu Han suddenly tells him. Sehun raises an eyebrow. “You know, the tall, hot guy with big ears in Pediatrics. Finally had the guts to ask me out.” He giggles and Sehun takes a step back. “I’ll probably be home a bit later than usual since my shift ends at 10.”
“You know I’ll still wait up for you,” Sehun says, feeling something unpleasant in the pit of his stomach.
Lu Han smiles and places a hand on his cheek. “See you later,” he promises and kisses him again before turning to go to their bedroom.
The problem is Lu Han doesn’t see Sehun in his future. They may have moved in together, but that didn’t really mean anything. Not to Lu Han anyway. They still weren’t exclusive. They are still free to date other people, not that Sehun ever does. Sehun is in love with Lu Han. Madly. Lu Han may seem in love with Sehun, and sometimes Sehun feels that Lu Han really does. But Lu Han is not in love with Sehun. Not really.
-
“You don’t look so good,” Baekhyun sits down on the step above Sehun’s and hands him a cup of coffee.
Sehun thanks him with a small smile and merely puts the coffee down beside him. “Lu Han’s going out with Chanyeol tonight,” he shares.
“Oh?” Baekhyun takes a sip of his coffee and Sehun decides to ignore how the smaller male suddenly stiffens.
“Yeah,” Sehun sighs and buries his face in his hands.
He can’t stop thinking about it, can’t stop thinking about how he was going to face Lu Han afterwards without seeming like he was jealous. Lu Han doesn’t like jealousy, because it means that there is something more going on between them and he’s made it perfectly clear that they weren’t together. It was a deal they’d made when they moved in together. Lu Han liked Sehun enough to move in with him but he clearly stated that this didn’t mean that they are exclusive. Because Lu Han was always seeing other people. Still, in the year and a half that they’ve been living together, Lu Han hasn’t gone out on a date with anyone other than Sehun. It made Sehun think that Lu Han was finally starting to think of actually settling down.
“You’ve known how this was going to pan out when you started dating him,” Baekhyun gently reminds him. It wasn’t a secret in school back then and it isn’t a secret at the hospital now that Lu Han is a social butterfly, sometimes seemingly too social.
“I know and I’m not complaining,” Sehun explains. Because he’s not. He knows what he signed up for when he fell in love with him. He knew it was going to be difficult and that he would feel like ripping his heart out with hurt sometimes. But he wanted all of that if it meant that he could have even just a part of Lu Han’s heart. “I’m just…”
Baekhyun reaches out and squeezes Sehun’s shoulder. “I understand,” he softly tells him.
Sehun lifts his head up and looks at his friend. “Do you?”
Baekhyun smiles, staring at his coffee. “Sometimes, we’re all just…trying, treading, waiting. Sometimes that’s all we can do,” he states with a half shrug.
“I often wonder when it would be too much,” Sehun almost whispers as if he’s talking to himself. “I wonder if the time will come when I’ll think that I was ever stupid for thinking that this, that we, could work.”
“That’s how love is, isn’t it?” Baekhyun chuckles. “You wonder about consequences and about giving up and you just wonder and wonder and then suddenly time has passed and you didn’t even do anything about it. In the end, you still stay and still love no matter how much it hurt.”
Sehun breathes deeply. That is definitely something that describes him and how he loves Lu Han. He doesn’t think he’ll ever stop loving him like this and he doesn’t think he’ll ever leave him.
-
Sehun decides to not think about Lu Han’s date with Chanyeol as much as he can. He’s not even going to bother bringing it up with Lu Han. It would be pointless and would just taint whatever relationship they have now. It is a relationship that Sehun actually likes. If one would look at them from afar, they would see a couple that are deeply in love. They would see how Lu Han makes sure that their apartment is spick and span, how he would try to make Sehun breakfast and dinner as much as he can, how he prepares Sehun’s clothes for him and gently wakes him up in the mornings. They would see Sehun cuddling Lu Han before they go to sleep, comforting Lu Han when he’s afraid about something, and working hard for an uncertain future together. Sehun thinks they have such a relationship. If you don’t count the fact that they aren’t really together together.
He decides it doesn’t matter. Not at that moment, anyway. He just wants to love Lu Han the way he knows Lu Han wants to be loved. If that meant not talking about their status or not being able to tell him he loves him, then so be it. For now, Sehun will just give what Lu Han wants to get.
“I’ll get that,” Sehun points at a medium-sized Strawberry Shortcake cake.
There isn’t a special occasion. But they’ve been so busy the past few days, both of them only coming home to sleep, that Sehun wants to do something special for Lu Han. His last class for the day and for his university life ended early and he’s thinking of maybe cooking Lu Han dinner this time around, along with buying a cake that he knows is Lu Han’s favorite.
He’s waiting for his purchase when the last person he ever expected to see walks in the café. Sehun looks away and stares at his phone, hoping that Chanyeol won’t ever see him.
“Hey!” Chanyeol makes a beeline for him and grins.
“Hey,” Sehun returns halfheartedly.
Chanyeol sighs. “I figured this would happen,” he mutters. Sehun merely rolls his eyes, even when Chanyeol looks truly apologetic. “Look, man,” he begins again. “I didn’t mean any harm. It’s just that there were these rumors about you guys being in an open relationship and I just wanted to try my luck. I mean I’ve always liked Lu Han and-”
Sehun stands up when he sees his boxed cake being placed on the counter. “I guess luck was on your side,” he says stiffly. “Good for you. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go.”
“Sehun,” Chanyeol touches his arm. “I really didn’t mean any harm. I didn’t know that they weren’t true. I’m sorry.”
“What are you talking about?” Sehun furrows his eyebrows.
“You and Lu Han,” Chanyeol helplessly answers, “I didn’t know that you guys are exclusive. I guess I should’ve seen it, I mean you guys do live together. But everyone kept on saying that you guys date other people so I thought-“ He cuts himself off and sighs. “Anyway, Lu Han made it perfectly clear that he isn’t interested in dating other people. And I just wanted to tell you that I backed off. I’m really sorry, man.”
Chanyeol walks away when Sehun is too stunned to say anything. If he really did hear correctly, Lu Han declined Chanyeol’s advances and told him that he was exclusively dating Sehun. If Lu Han is telling people that he and Sehun are exclusive then that meant… Sehun lets out a breath that is a mixture of relief and some sort of hurt. Why wouldn’t Lu Han tell him? Why would Lu Han lie? Why would he blatantly tell Sehun that he was going out with Chanyeol? What was that about?
-
Lu Han normally comes home a little bit after 9 o’clock in the evening so Sehun is expecting him when he walks into the kitchen. Lu Han goes straight to him and kisses him.
“What’s all this?” Lu Han then asks, when he sees the food that Sehun had cooked and the cake sitting on the counter. His eyes dance with merriment as he looks at Sehun. “Did you make these?” He takes a fork, swipes a bit of the cake’s icing and puts it in his mouth.
“Everything, except for the cake,” Sehun answers, biting back the smile that is threatening to break his face at the sight of Lu Han so beautiful before his eyes.
“Of course,” Lu Han laughs. “You can’t bake to save your life.” He puts the fork down and moves to the cupboards to get plates and utensils. “Well, what are we waiting for? These all look so good!” He puts placemats and the plates and utensils on the table, as well as gets drinks for them. “Come on, Sehun. The food’s going to get cold.”
Sehun takes his seat and watches as Lu Han puts food on his plate, encouraging Sehun to start eating already. He stares at his full plate before taking a deep breath and turning to Lu Han.
“You lied to me,” he speaks.
Lu Han slowly puts his spoon and fork down. “About what?” he calmly asks.
“You didn’t go out with Chanyeol,” Sehun states. “You asked for an extra shift just so you’d come home late. Why?”
Lu Han swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down, and Sehun knows he’s nervous. Lu Han doesn’t say anything for a while, doesn’t do anything but stare at the tabletop and breathe. It’s almost like he’s buying his time or hoping that Sehun would drop it. But Sehun doesn’t want to. He wants to hear what Lu Han has to say.
“I didn’t…” Lu Han starts, but trails off and stops talking for a while. “I was supposed to go out with him,” he begins again.
“No, you weren’t,” Sehun counters. “He told me that you said you wouldn’t go out with him, that you didn’t want to. You told him we were exclusive.”
“Sehun,” Lu Han begs.
“Why would you say that to someone and not tell me?” Sehun questions. He’s hurt and confused and he just wants for Lu Han to explain things to him because he doesn’t trust what his head, most especially what his heart is telling him. “You know how much I-“
“You told me you loved me that day,” Lu Han cuts him off.
Sehun frowns in confusion. He’s told Lu Han so many times that he loves him in his head that he’s lost track when he’s actually said it and when he didn’t. But then he remembers. Right after he’d told Lu Han that he loves him that one time, Lu Han responded that he was going out with Chanyeol.
“I don’t understand,” Sehun says.
“We’ve talked about this,” Lu Han reminds him quietly. “When we moved in together, we said that we wouldn’t fall in love, that this isn’t-“
“No,” Sehun interrupts rather harshly. “You told yourself that. I, on the other hand, had no problems falling in love with you. I’ve never had any problems falling in love with you since we’ve met. And I am in love with you, Lu Han.”
Lu Han stands up and walks away from the dining table. Sehun follows him to the living room. He grabs his arm and makes Lu Han face him and whatever it is that seems to be haunting him.
“You know I don’t believe in love,” Lu Han tells him, eyes shining with tears. “I’ve told you this and yet, here you are telling me that you love me. You know you’re going to get hurt because I don’t do relationships like this.”
“You’re lying,” Sehun retorts. “I’m not the only one in this relationship. We’ve been living together for almost two years and you’ve never-We’ve shared a bed all this time and not once did you ever date anyone else.”
“Just because I didn’t tell you, doesn’t mean that I never-“ Lu Han starts.
“Why are you fighting this?” Sehun practically yells. He lets go of Lu Han’s arm. “Listen, if you’re tired of this, you can just tell me. If you don’t want someone loving you or if you don’t want me loving you, then why don’t you just say so? I don’t believe in that crap that you don’t believe in love. I can always go, you know.” He turns to go to their bedroom. “That was our deal anyway, right? If someone breaks the rules, they pack up and leave.”
“Sehun, what are you doing?” Lu Han asks as Sehun takes out a bag and stuffs his clothes in it. “
“Giving you what you want,” Sehun snaps, shoving clothes that he isn’t sure are his or Lu Han’s. So much of their life is intertwined that Sehun doesn’t know where he ends and Lu Han begins. But he can’t stay if Lu Han doesn’t want him to. “An open relationship. So I’m going because maybe I want to date other people just like you do.” He grabs his bag, takes his phone and keys from the bedside table, and leaves the room.
“Sehun, please,” Lu Han follows him out into the hall. “Let’s talk about this.”
Sehun turns around and opens his mouth to lash out at him because all the pent up hurt he has is just bursting at the seams. He wants Lu Han to know just how much loving someone who doesn’t want to be loved is painful, how stabbing it feels, and how helpless it makes him. It is not easy to love someone who doesn’t want to be loved.
But then he sees Lu Han, his beautiful Lu Han, with tears streaming down his cheeks and hugging himself so that he’d stop shaking.
“Lu Han, please stop crying-“ Sehun moves to hug him. Because, no matter what’s happening between them, he loves Lu Han.
“I love you,” Lu Han hurriedly declares. It comes out garbled so Lu Han takes a deep breath and says it again. “I love you.”
Sehun freezes. He looks at Lu Han and sees his wide eyes shining with more tears, the slope of his shoulders stiff, his arms and hands wrapped so tight around himself that his knuckles are white. He’s giving off a vibe that’s so familiar that Sehun wonders why he didn’t see it before. He mentally slaps himself because this is not how he envisioned Lu Han telling him those three words to be.
“Please don’t go,” Lu Han chokes out, lips trembling. “Let’s talk about this.”
“I think we’re done talking,” Sehun says and Lu Han almost falls to the ground, unable to hold himself any longer, but Sehun catches him.
Sehun tightly embraces Lu Han, feeling every tremble that wracks his body. He presses his lips to his shoulder and closes his eyes. Lu Han loves him. Even when he’s never said it before, even when he didn’t want Sehun to feel that way, even when he insists he doesn’t believe in love, he always has loved Sehun.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Sehun promises him, truly apologetic that he’s somehow forced Lu Han into this.
“Really?” Lu Han pulls slightly away to look at Sehun in the eye. “You’re not leaving me?”
“I was never going to,” Sehun admits sheepishly. “I was just going to…stay away for a night and come back because I can never leave you because I-“
“I love you,” Lu Han practically launches into him and kisses him. “I always have and I’m sorry I never said anything or made you believe that I didn’t but that was because-“
“You don’t have to explain anything,” Sehun says, kissing him again. “I understand. I’m sorry for somehow forcing you to say them. You don’t have to. Even if you don’t, I’ll still be here.”
“But I do, Sehun,” Lu Han earnestly affirms. He places his hands on Sehun’s cheeks and Sehun breathes shakily because he can just suddenly feel just how much Lu Han does. “Falling is not something I do well, you know how much I hate heights and this, falling in love, it’s the scariest of all.”
“I will always catch you,” Sehun directly responds and he squeezes his eyes shut after he’s said it because it’s the cheesiest thing.
Lu Han just laughs. “You better,” he demands teasingly.
Sehun smiles with promises lingering in the wrinkles of his eyes and the corners of his lips. He leans forward and kisses Lu Han with so much feeling because he thinks he just fell in love all over again.
He doesn’t really plan on stopping.
-
“Well, you guys look positively disgusting,” Baekhyun comments when he arrives at the café. It’s Thursday and Baekhyun sings at the café near the hospital every Thursdays and Tuesdays.
“Hi Baekhyun,” Sehun greets him good-naturedly. Lu Han grins at him.
Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “Care to tell me why I needed to come early? Is this just so I can witness how lovey dovey you two have become?” He narrows his eyes at them.
“No actually,” Sehun says. He looks up as someone else enters the café and smiles.
Baekhyun turns around. “What’s going on-“ His eyes widen when he sees Chanyeol approaching their table. “Sehun, you didn’t!” he hisses, whipping back around so fast that his hair flew.
“What if I did?” Sehun smirks and Lu Han giggles, finding Sehun’s hand under the table and squeezing it.
“I’m going to kill you-“ Baekhyun starts.
“Hey guys! Hi Baekhyun,” Chanyeol is smiling and Baekhyun looks like he’s going to melt. “You never told me you sing.” He takes a seat, eyes still on him, expectant.
“I-well, it’s not something I normally tell anyone,” Baekhyun stutters, glaring at Sehun, who can’t stop laughing.
“I hope I don’t end up being just anyone to you,” Chanyeol winks and Baekhyun hiccups.
“I’m going to go to the back and get ready,” Baekhyun squeaks, standing up so fast that his chair almost topples backwards. “Bye!”
Sehun gives Chanyeol a pointed look and Chanyeol grins as he goes after Baekhyun.
“I can’t believe you,” Lu Han teases.
“What?” Sehun asks innocently. “They are totally each other’s type. Did you see how Chanyeol looked at Baekhyun, like he was seeing him for the first time?”
“Such a sap,” Lu Han remarks, pressing a kiss to his cheek.
“Especially for you,” Sehun winks, wrapping an arm around his waist, and Lu Han groans.
Baekhyun gets up on the stage. He nervously takes a seat, guitar on hand, as he glances to the side of the stage where Chanyeol is standing.
“Are you sure you didn’t set them up just because Chanyeol asked me out?” Lu Han teases.
“Please,” Sehun scoffs. “Chanyeol doesn’t stand a chance with you.” Lu Han raises his eyebrows. “You have me. Why would you want anyone else?”
“You’re so full of yourself,” Lu Han rolls his eyes and pinches his cheek. “But, I must say,” he sighs as if it’s such a tragedy, “you are right. Why would I want to love anyone else when I can love you?”
“Lu Han,” Sehun feels his heart stuttering in his chest.
“Shush,” Lu Han says, shutting him up with a kiss. “Baekhyun’s about to sing.” He tucks his head back to Sehun’s neck, a smile creeping to his lips.
Sehun presses his lips to Lu Han’s head. It still amazes him when Lu Han tells him that he loves him. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of hearing it.
And I have to speculate that God himself
did make us into corresponding shapes like
puzzle pieces from the clay
EXO | Sehun/Lu Han | PG-13 | 4,199w
Fluff, Slight angst
Sehun is in love with Lu Han. Sometimes, Sehun feels that Lu Han loves him, too.
For xxbbq. I promised that I'd write her a HunHan fic last year. Um, better late than never? :D
Such Great Heights
I’m thinking it’s a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images
and when we kiss they’re perfectly aligned.
There is a faint beeping somewhere, an annoying and grating one, and Sehun is determined to find it and shut it down. His eyes flutter open just as the beeping stops, the morning sunlight filtering through the cracks in the curtains right on his face. He groans because it’s too early for anything, most especially being awake. He turns to his side and is met with tufts of dry, blonde hair.
“You’re going to be late for class,” Lu Han mutters, snuggling closer to Sehun.
The beeping starts again and Sehun sighs. He reaches out and slams the alarm clock off. “What if I just skip class today?” he asks, wrapping his arms back around Lu Han and pressing his lips to his forehead. “It’s practically end of term.”
“Sehun,” Lu Han finally opens his eyes to chide Sehun properly. “You are not skipping class again just to cuddle with me.” He pulls away from Sehun’s embrace and kicks him off the bed. He smiles when he hears the thump of Sehun’s body connecting with their hardwood floor.
“It’s too early for manhandling, Han,” Sehun grunts as he gets up and stretches his arms above his head. When he puts them down, he sees Lu Han looking at him appreciatively. He leans on the bed, face close enough to Lu Han’s. “If you promise that you’re not going to kick me off the bed again, you can have more of this.” He pats his abs.
Lu Han merely rolls his eyes. But he leans up and presses a kiss to his lips. “Go and shower,” he says. “I’ll make breakfast.”
Sehun pouts as he kisses Lu Han again before making his way to the bathroom. It probably isn’t a good idea to skip classes anyway just when he’s finally graduating. He smiles at the thought as he washes himself. After four years, he was finally leaving the classroom setting and was finally going to start work in a hospital as an intern.
Ever since his mother had succumbed to cancer, he’d told himself that he wasn’t going to allow sickness and lack of money to do that to anyone he cared about ever again. The only solution he could think of then was to become a doctor himself. So he worked part-time and got himself into medical school. It has been hard and stressful, but it all seems to be paying off. He’s on his way to becoming Dr. Oh.
“Sehun, breakfast is ready,” Lu Han calls from the kitchen just as he’s dressing up.
Sehun smiles as he hastily runs a hand through his wet hair and goes to the kitchen. Lu Han is washing the dishes, wearing a frilly yellow apron. He leans against the doorway and crosses his arms to appreciate the sight.
He and Lu Han met in school. Lu Han was a year older than him and definitely had cooler friends, running with the popular crowd, but, somehow, they became close. Lu Han helped him in a lot of his classes and made sure that he never failed a single thing because failing just meant he didn’t understand the subject. And, if there was something that Lu Han didn’t want to happen, it was that. Because medicine is an exact science. Lives are at stake and it’s imperative to understand everything because of this.
He and Lu Han didn’t stop at being friends. What started as a drunken kiss, ended up in moving in together after a year. And now here they are.
“Stop ogling at my ass,” Lu Han says, wiggling his backside for emphasis.
“Never,” Sehun replies as he takes his seat and grabs a piece of toast. “Come eat with me.” When Lu Han doesn’t move to sit down with him, he reaches out with his long arm and plants a yelping Lu Han on his lap. “Eat with me,” he repeats.
“So feisty in the morning,” Lu Han teases, taking a bite of Sehun’s toast.
“What time do you get in today?” Sehun asks. If he starts teasing Lu Han back, he’s never going to be able to get to class on time.
Lu Han glances at the wall clock. “There’s an operation at 10:30,” he answers. “Which means I have to start getting ready.”
Sehun nods and finishes his bread, taking his orange juice in one gulp. “I have to go, too,” he says, slowly getting up with him. “Don’t want to be late this close to leaving uni.” He winks at his boyfriend, who rolls his eyes.
“You’re already late, dumbass,” Lu Han scoffs, fixing the collar of his shirt and his hair. “Be good today.”
“I always am,” Sehun insists.
“Of course,” Lu Han smiles at him and Sehun leans down to kiss him.
“I love you,” Sehun whispers.
Sehun thinks there isn’t going to be a person he will love the way he loves Lu Han. Everything about them just fits so perfectly, their personalities, their habits, and their tempers. They clicked so fast that Sehun worried in the beginning that it could be a fluke. Sometimes clicking doesn’t mean working out. But Sehun can clearly see his future with Lu Han. Theirs is just something deep in his gut telling him that Lu Han is the one.
Sehun immediately knows he’s made a mistake by uttering those three words when Lu Han instantly pulls away.
“I’m going out with Chanyeol tonight,” Lu Han suddenly tells him. Sehun raises an eyebrow. “You know, the tall, hot guy with big ears in Pediatrics. Finally had the guts to ask me out.” He giggles and Sehun takes a step back. “I’ll probably be home a bit later than usual since my shift ends at 10.”
“You know I’ll still wait up for you,” Sehun says, feeling something unpleasant in the pit of his stomach.
Lu Han smiles and places a hand on his cheek. “See you later,” he promises and kisses him again before turning to go to their bedroom.
The problem is Lu Han doesn’t see Sehun in his future. They may have moved in together, but that didn’t really mean anything. Not to Lu Han anyway. They still weren’t exclusive. They are still free to date other people, not that Sehun ever does. Sehun is in love with Lu Han. Madly. Lu Han may seem in love with Sehun, and sometimes Sehun feels that Lu Han really does. But Lu Han is not in love with Sehun. Not really.
-
“You don’t look so good,” Baekhyun sits down on the step above Sehun’s and hands him a cup of coffee.
Sehun thanks him with a small smile and merely puts the coffee down beside him. “Lu Han’s going out with Chanyeol tonight,” he shares.
“Oh?” Baekhyun takes a sip of his coffee and Sehun decides to ignore how the smaller male suddenly stiffens.
“Yeah,” Sehun sighs and buries his face in his hands.
He can’t stop thinking about it, can’t stop thinking about how he was going to face Lu Han afterwards without seeming like he was jealous. Lu Han doesn’t like jealousy, because it means that there is something more going on between them and he’s made it perfectly clear that they weren’t together. It was a deal they’d made when they moved in together. Lu Han liked Sehun enough to move in with him but he clearly stated that this didn’t mean that they are exclusive. Because Lu Han was always seeing other people. Still, in the year and a half that they’ve been living together, Lu Han hasn’t gone out on a date with anyone other than Sehun. It made Sehun think that Lu Han was finally starting to think of actually settling down.
“You’ve known how this was going to pan out when you started dating him,” Baekhyun gently reminds him. It wasn’t a secret in school back then and it isn’t a secret at the hospital now that Lu Han is a social butterfly, sometimes seemingly too social.
“I know and I’m not complaining,” Sehun explains. Because he’s not. He knows what he signed up for when he fell in love with him. He knew it was going to be difficult and that he would feel like ripping his heart out with hurt sometimes. But he wanted all of that if it meant that he could have even just a part of Lu Han’s heart. “I’m just…”
Baekhyun reaches out and squeezes Sehun’s shoulder. “I understand,” he softly tells him.
Sehun lifts his head up and looks at his friend. “Do you?”
Baekhyun smiles, staring at his coffee. “Sometimes, we’re all just…trying, treading, waiting. Sometimes that’s all we can do,” he states with a half shrug.
“I often wonder when it would be too much,” Sehun almost whispers as if he’s talking to himself. “I wonder if the time will come when I’ll think that I was ever stupid for thinking that this, that we, could work.”
“That’s how love is, isn’t it?” Baekhyun chuckles. “You wonder about consequences and about giving up and you just wonder and wonder and then suddenly time has passed and you didn’t even do anything about it. In the end, you still stay and still love no matter how much it hurt.”
Sehun breathes deeply. That is definitely something that describes him and how he loves Lu Han. He doesn’t think he’ll ever stop loving him like this and he doesn’t think he’ll ever leave him.
-
Sehun decides to not think about Lu Han’s date with Chanyeol as much as he can. He’s not even going to bother bringing it up with Lu Han. It would be pointless and would just taint whatever relationship they have now. It is a relationship that Sehun actually likes. If one would look at them from afar, they would see a couple that are deeply in love. They would see how Lu Han makes sure that their apartment is spick and span, how he would try to make Sehun breakfast and dinner as much as he can, how he prepares Sehun’s clothes for him and gently wakes him up in the mornings. They would see Sehun cuddling Lu Han before they go to sleep, comforting Lu Han when he’s afraid about something, and working hard for an uncertain future together. Sehun thinks they have such a relationship. If you don’t count the fact that they aren’t really together together.
He decides it doesn’t matter. Not at that moment, anyway. He just wants to love Lu Han the way he knows Lu Han wants to be loved. If that meant not talking about their status or not being able to tell him he loves him, then so be it. For now, Sehun will just give what Lu Han wants to get.
“I’ll get that,” Sehun points at a medium-sized Strawberry Shortcake cake.
There isn’t a special occasion. But they’ve been so busy the past few days, both of them only coming home to sleep, that Sehun wants to do something special for Lu Han. His last class for the day and for his university life ended early and he’s thinking of maybe cooking Lu Han dinner this time around, along with buying a cake that he knows is Lu Han’s favorite.
He’s waiting for his purchase when the last person he ever expected to see walks in the café. Sehun looks away and stares at his phone, hoping that Chanyeol won’t ever see him.
“Hey!” Chanyeol makes a beeline for him and grins.
“Hey,” Sehun returns halfheartedly.
Chanyeol sighs. “I figured this would happen,” he mutters. Sehun merely rolls his eyes, even when Chanyeol looks truly apologetic. “Look, man,” he begins again. “I didn’t mean any harm. It’s just that there were these rumors about you guys being in an open relationship and I just wanted to try my luck. I mean I’ve always liked Lu Han and-”
Sehun stands up when he sees his boxed cake being placed on the counter. “I guess luck was on your side,” he says stiffly. “Good for you. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go.”
“Sehun,” Chanyeol touches his arm. “I really didn’t mean any harm. I didn’t know that they weren’t true. I’m sorry.”
“What are you talking about?” Sehun furrows his eyebrows.
“You and Lu Han,” Chanyeol helplessly answers, “I didn’t know that you guys are exclusive. I guess I should’ve seen it, I mean you guys do live together. But everyone kept on saying that you guys date other people so I thought-“ He cuts himself off and sighs. “Anyway, Lu Han made it perfectly clear that he isn’t interested in dating other people. And I just wanted to tell you that I backed off. I’m really sorry, man.”
Chanyeol walks away when Sehun is too stunned to say anything. If he really did hear correctly, Lu Han declined Chanyeol’s advances and told him that he was exclusively dating Sehun. If Lu Han is telling people that he and Sehun are exclusive then that meant… Sehun lets out a breath that is a mixture of relief and some sort of hurt. Why wouldn’t Lu Han tell him? Why would Lu Han lie? Why would he blatantly tell Sehun that he was going out with Chanyeol? What was that about?
-
Lu Han normally comes home a little bit after 9 o’clock in the evening so Sehun is expecting him when he walks into the kitchen. Lu Han goes straight to him and kisses him.
“What’s all this?” Lu Han then asks, when he sees the food that Sehun had cooked and the cake sitting on the counter. His eyes dance with merriment as he looks at Sehun. “Did you make these?” He takes a fork, swipes a bit of the cake’s icing and puts it in his mouth.
“Everything, except for the cake,” Sehun answers, biting back the smile that is threatening to break his face at the sight of Lu Han so beautiful before his eyes.
“Of course,” Lu Han laughs. “You can’t bake to save your life.” He puts the fork down and moves to the cupboards to get plates and utensils. “Well, what are we waiting for? These all look so good!” He puts placemats and the plates and utensils on the table, as well as gets drinks for them. “Come on, Sehun. The food’s going to get cold.”
Sehun takes his seat and watches as Lu Han puts food on his plate, encouraging Sehun to start eating already. He stares at his full plate before taking a deep breath and turning to Lu Han.
“You lied to me,” he speaks.
Lu Han slowly puts his spoon and fork down. “About what?” he calmly asks.
“You didn’t go out with Chanyeol,” Sehun states. “You asked for an extra shift just so you’d come home late. Why?”
Lu Han swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down, and Sehun knows he’s nervous. Lu Han doesn’t say anything for a while, doesn’t do anything but stare at the tabletop and breathe. It’s almost like he’s buying his time or hoping that Sehun would drop it. But Sehun doesn’t want to. He wants to hear what Lu Han has to say.
“I didn’t…” Lu Han starts, but trails off and stops talking for a while. “I was supposed to go out with him,” he begins again.
“No, you weren’t,” Sehun counters. “He told me that you said you wouldn’t go out with him, that you didn’t want to. You told him we were exclusive.”
“Sehun,” Lu Han begs.
“Why would you say that to someone and not tell me?” Sehun questions. He’s hurt and confused and he just wants for Lu Han to explain things to him because he doesn’t trust what his head, most especially what his heart is telling him. “You know how much I-“
“You told me you loved me that day,” Lu Han cuts him off.
Sehun frowns in confusion. He’s told Lu Han so many times that he loves him in his head that he’s lost track when he’s actually said it and when he didn’t. But then he remembers. Right after he’d told Lu Han that he loves him that one time, Lu Han responded that he was going out with Chanyeol.
“I don’t understand,” Sehun says.
“We’ve talked about this,” Lu Han reminds him quietly. “When we moved in together, we said that we wouldn’t fall in love, that this isn’t-“
“No,” Sehun interrupts rather harshly. “You told yourself that. I, on the other hand, had no problems falling in love with you. I’ve never had any problems falling in love with you since we’ve met. And I am in love with you, Lu Han.”
Lu Han stands up and walks away from the dining table. Sehun follows him to the living room. He grabs his arm and makes Lu Han face him and whatever it is that seems to be haunting him.
“You know I don’t believe in love,” Lu Han tells him, eyes shining with tears. “I’ve told you this and yet, here you are telling me that you love me. You know you’re going to get hurt because I don’t do relationships like this.”
“You’re lying,” Sehun retorts. “I’m not the only one in this relationship. We’ve been living together for almost two years and you’ve never-We’ve shared a bed all this time and not once did you ever date anyone else.”
“Just because I didn’t tell you, doesn’t mean that I never-“ Lu Han starts.
“Why are you fighting this?” Sehun practically yells. He lets go of Lu Han’s arm. “Listen, if you’re tired of this, you can just tell me. If you don’t want someone loving you or if you don’t want me loving you, then why don’t you just say so? I don’t believe in that crap that you don’t believe in love. I can always go, you know.” He turns to go to their bedroom. “That was our deal anyway, right? If someone breaks the rules, they pack up and leave.”
“Sehun, what are you doing?” Lu Han asks as Sehun takes out a bag and stuffs his clothes in it. “
“Giving you what you want,” Sehun snaps, shoving clothes that he isn’t sure are his or Lu Han’s. So much of their life is intertwined that Sehun doesn’t know where he ends and Lu Han begins. But he can’t stay if Lu Han doesn’t want him to. “An open relationship. So I’m going because maybe I want to date other people just like you do.” He grabs his bag, takes his phone and keys from the bedside table, and leaves the room.
“Sehun, please,” Lu Han follows him out into the hall. “Let’s talk about this.”
Sehun turns around and opens his mouth to lash out at him because all the pent up hurt he has is just bursting at the seams. He wants Lu Han to know just how much loving someone who doesn’t want to be loved is painful, how stabbing it feels, and how helpless it makes him. It is not easy to love someone who doesn’t want to be loved.
But then he sees Lu Han, his beautiful Lu Han, with tears streaming down his cheeks and hugging himself so that he’d stop shaking.
“Lu Han, please stop crying-“ Sehun moves to hug him. Because, no matter what’s happening between them, he loves Lu Han.
“I love you,” Lu Han hurriedly declares. It comes out garbled so Lu Han takes a deep breath and says it again. “I love you.”
Sehun freezes. He looks at Lu Han and sees his wide eyes shining with more tears, the slope of his shoulders stiff, his arms and hands wrapped so tight around himself that his knuckles are white. He’s giving off a vibe that’s so familiar that Sehun wonders why he didn’t see it before. He mentally slaps himself because this is not how he envisioned Lu Han telling him those three words to be.
“Please don’t go,” Lu Han chokes out, lips trembling. “Let’s talk about this.”
“I think we’re done talking,” Sehun says and Lu Han almost falls to the ground, unable to hold himself any longer, but Sehun catches him.
Sehun tightly embraces Lu Han, feeling every tremble that wracks his body. He presses his lips to his shoulder and closes his eyes. Lu Han loves him. Even when he’s never said it before, even when he didn’t want Sehun to feel that way, even when he insists he doesn’t believe in love, he always has loved Sehun.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Sehun promises him, truly apologetic that he’s somehow forced Lu Han into this.
“Really?” Lu Han pulls slightly away to look at Sehun in the eye. “You’re not leaving me?”
“I was never going to,” Sehun admits sheepishly. “I was just going to…stay away for a night and come back because I can never leave you because I-“
“I love you,” Lu Han practically launches into him and kisses him. “I always have and I’m sorry I never said anything or made you believe that I didn’t but that was because-“
“You don’t have to explain anything,” Sehun says, kissing him again. “I understand. I’m sorry for somehow forcing you to say them. You don’t have to. Even if you don’t, I’ll still be here.”
“But I do, Sehun,” Lu Han earnestly affirms. He places his hands on Sehun’s cheeks and Sehun breathes shakily because he can just suddenly feel just how much Lu Han does. “Falling is not something I do well, you know how much I hate heights and this, falling in love, it’s the scariest of all.”
“I will always catch you,” Sehun directly responds and he squeezes his eyes shut after he’s said it because it’s the cheesiest thing.
Lu Han just laughs. “You better,” he demands teasingly.
Sehun smiles with promises lingering in the wrinkles of his eyes and the corners of his lips. He leans forward and kisses Lu Han with so much feeling because he thinks he just fell in love all over again.
He doesn’t really plan on stopping.
-
“Well, you guys look positively disgusting,” Baekhyun comments when he arrives at the café. It’s Thursday and Baekhyun sings at the café near the hospital every Thursdays and Tuesdays.
“Hi Baekhyun,” Sehun greets him good-naturedly. Lu Han grins at him.
Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “Care to tell me why I needed to come early? Is this just so I can witness how lovey dovey you two have become?” He narrows his eyes at them.
“No actually,” Sehun says. He looks up as someone else enters the café and smiles.
Baekhyun turns around. “What’s going on-“ His eyes widen when he sees Chanyeol approaching their table. “Sehun, you didn’t!” he hisses, whipping back around so fast that his hair flew.
“What if I did?” Sehun smirks and Lu Han giggles, finding Sehun’s hand under the table and squeezing it.
“I’m going to kill you-“ Baekhyun starts.
“Hey guys! Hi Baekhyun,” Chanyeol is smiling and Baekhyun looks like he’s going to melt. “You never told me you sing.” He takes a seat, eyes still on him, expectant.
“I-well, it’s not something I normally tell anyone,” Baekhyun stutters, glaring at Sehun, who can’t stop laughing.
“I hope I don’t end up being just anyone to you,” Chanyeol winks and Baekhyun hiccups.
“I’m going to go to the back and get ready,” Baekhyun squeaks, standing up so fast that his chair almost topples backwards. “Bye!”
Sehun gives Chanyeol a pointed look and Chanyeol grins as he goes after Baekhyun.
“I can’t believe you,” Lu Han teases.
“What?” Sehun asks innocently. “They are totally each other’s type. Did you see how Chanyeol looked at Baekhyun, like he was seeing him for the first time?”
“Such a sap,” Lu Han remarks, pressing a kiss to his cheek.
“Especially for you,” Sehun winks, wrapping an arm around his waist, and Lu Han groans.
Baekhyun gets up on the stage. He nervously takes a seat, guitar on hand, as he glances to the side of the stage where Chanyeol is standing.
“Are you sure you didn’t set them up just because Chanyeol asked me out?” Lu Han teases.
“Please,” Sehun scoffs. “Chanyeol doesn’t stand a chance with you.” Lu Han raises his eyebrows. “You have me. Why would you want anyone else?”
“You’re so full of yourself,” Lu Han rolls his eyes and pinches his cheek. “But, I must say,” he sighs as if it’s such a tragedy, “you are right. Why would I want to love anyone else when I can love you?”
“Lu Han,” Sehun feels his heart stuttering in his chest.
“Shush,” Lu Han says, shutting him up with a kiss. “Baekhyun’s about to sing.” He tucks his head back to Sehun’s neck, a smile creeping to his lips.
Sehun presses his lips to Lu Han’s head. It still amazes him when Lu Han tells him that he loves him. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of hearing it.
And I have to speculate that God himself
did make us into corresponding shapes like
puzzle pieces from the clay