memories fade away, but the sky still lights up [Sehun/Lu Han]
memories fade away, but the sky still lights up
EXO | Sehun/Lu Han, Sehun/Tao | PG-13 | 9,672w
Angst, Romance
Sehun offers second chances everyday, to everyone except himself.
For galaexo
Prompts used: 1 2 3 4 and 5. "There's always something to look at if you open your eyes." - Doctor Who
Warnings: (highlight) Character death
This was partly beta'd by khrysallis1106
memories fade away, but the sky still lights up
The sun was high in the sky, its light and heat bearing down on their bare faces and bare necks. The warmth, almost unbearable, prickled through their skin, seeping into the pores, making them feel like they were burning inside their bodies as well. But Sehun relished the heat and didn’t care whether he was tanning to a point where he knew there would be peeling and pain afterwards.
Sehun could already see the shore on the horizon, the small strip of island that they were sailing towards. He smiled, eyes turning to half moons, as he looked to his right, where the captain of the boat was standing, driving. They smiled at each other, laughter bubbling out of their lips as the excitement coursed through them.
Sehun looked back at the island, hand half covering his eyes to block out the sun’s rays. The sand was white and looked pure and fine. They’d been told a many good things about this particular beach, about how it was picturesque and virgin and that it made guests feel relaxed and feel far away from their problems. It was precisely that reason why they were ecstatic to find out that it would be available only to them that weekend. It had been a while since they’d had a vacation like this and Sehun couldn’t wait to explore. He turned back towards his companion, an excited squeal on his lips.
The sails were flapping against the wind and the steering wheel was turning this way and that. But there was no one there. He glanced back at the island and saw that they were almost there then panicked at the thought that he was alone. He lunged towards the steering wheel in an attempt to stop the boat or to pull the brakes.
But the crash was inevitable.
-
Sehun flipped through the chart as he checked the vital signs of the patient, making sure that everything was stable, that the patient’s medication was given according to the set time and that it was working according to expectation. He raised his eyes to the patient’s mother, returning the chart to its proper place at the foot of the bed, and nodded before leaving the room.
Joonmyun, an attending physician of the hospital, was waiting for him outside. His attention was on his Blackberry, brows furrowed, so Sehun didn’t even bother greeting him. But Joonmyun easily got into step with him as they walked down the hallway.
“Would it kill you to at least smile at your patients?” Joonmyun asked, pocketing his phone. There were many other things he would rather-or should-be doing at the moment, but he thought that he and Sehun needed to have another one of those talks. He ran a hand through his dark red hair, patting it slightly afterwards to make sure it wasn’t unruly, before thrusting his hands into the pockets of his white coat.
“Yes.” Sehun’s answer was simple and abrupt. He and Joonmyun had this talk everyday for the past two and a half years. He’d mostly left Sehun alone in the first six months because Joonmyun always gave people the space that they needed. Sehun thought that it was too bad that Joonmyun wasn’t really too nice as he’d initially let on.
“I’ve been getting a lot of complaints, Sehun,” Joonmyun sighed in exasperation. “It’s not only the patients, but it’s also the nurses and the other doctors.” He watched as Sehun merely walked on, not a flicker of expression on his severe face.
“Jongin and Chanyeol should mind their own business,” Sehun quipped, stopping in the middle of the hallway and turning to him. “I’m fine.”
Joonmyun had known Sehun for a couple of years. He’d watched in the sidelines as the young boy slowly grew up into a 5”7 male with too pale skin, pink lips and a bowl cut of dark brown hair. He’d always thought that Sehun had grown up faster than any young man should have. It was like he was thrust into it without his permission and with no one’s hand to hold. He never wished that for him and would never wish it for anyone. But everything had its limits and he couldn’t go on letting Sehun go through things like a lifeless shell. He opened his mouth to retort, but his beeper rang. He sighed as he went through the message.
Joonmyun waved one of the doctors hanging out at the nurses’ station over. A tall, slightly gangly male with golden curls sped over, his wide grin such a big contrast to Sehun’s scowl. Joonmyun slightly flinched as Chanyeol’s smile grew even wider, but forced back the snappy retort that was bubbling up inside him. He really should go and take Jongdae on his offer for that quick break.
“Please take Sehun and Jongin to the board room in an hour,” Joonmyun advised him and Chanyeol nodded with a firm resolve. “We need to meet the new visiting resident and I’ll need all hands on deck.” He then turned to Sehun. “This conversation is not over,” he assured him determinedly.
“It never is,” Sehun replied evenly.
There was a quirk to Sehun’s lips that Joonmyun had hoped it would blossom into at least a smirk. But it didn’t. It had been a long time since anyone had seen Sehun smile.
-
“Heads up!”
Sehun looked up, but merely watched as a packet of jajangmyun sailed over his head and right into Chanyeol’s hands. Jongin and Chanyeol both cheered as if throwing and catching jajangmyun merited that kind of happy response.
“What do you guys think of the visiting resident?” Jongin asked from the other side of the store, leaning against the beverage section. The way he was deciding on which drink to get looked like he was like deciding what hospital to work at.
“Pretty cute, right?” Chanyeol’s eyebrows wiggled as he sided by Jongin.
“Cute?” Jongin interjected, deciding on orange juice. “He’s hot if you ask me. I wonder…” An almost evil smirk covered his face as he closed the fridge and Chanyeol had to smack the back of his head.
“I wonder what Kyungsoo, the guy who waits for you to come home from your busy schedule, would think of that,” Chanyeol rolled his eyes and walked off to another aisle, even as Jongin threw a pack of chips at him.
Jongin huffed and rubbed his hands together, tightening the scarf around his neck. He looked out of the window and watched as the snow drizzled onto the ground, meshing with the thick white carpet of snow. He was never a fan of winter, but he couldn’t help but think about how this had got to be one of the coldest ones they’d ever experienced. He looked up at Chanyeol, who was, for some reason, untying his own scarf.
“Yah,” Jongin called to him, bringing his hands to his mouth and blowing on them. “Can I borrow that?”
Sehun, meanwhile, went through the aisles of the convenience store in silence, effectively ignoring Jongin and Chanyeol’s boisterous laughter. He plucked out the things he thought he needed for his apartment. He was already running out of shampoo and soap and maybe some toothpaste. He held the three items on one hand as he turned to the other aisle filled with all sorts of packed and instant food. He took one packet of ramyun and headed to the counter.
“Ramyun again?” Jongin wrinkled his nose in something akin to disgust.
“No one asked you,” Sehun snapped. He really didn’t like how everyone seemed to always be on his case all the time. He let Joonmyun’s nagging slide because Joonmyun was still an attending. No matter which way he looked at it, a resident is nothing compared to an attending.
Jongin raised his hands up as if in surrender and shook his head as they walked past Chanyeol. It was really hard to joke around Sehun anymore. Chanyeol was looking through the biscuits and chocolates on the shelf. Suddenly, he took a red, boxed one with panda drawings on it.
“Hey!” Chanyeol exclaimed. “Look it’s-.”
Sehun flicked his attention to him just as Jongin slapped a hand on Chanyeol’s mouth. “It’s nothing, Sehun,” Jongin smiled in reassurance. “It’s just…” He laughed nervously and tugged Chanyeol towards the counter, the red box tumbling to the floor.
Hello Panda.
Sehun gripped the box tightly, almost denting it, as he picked it up. His eyes traced the black and white animal drawing against the glaring red, and flashes of night black hair, searing gazes, pink lips and white teeth imprinted themselves behind his eyelids as he closed his eyes. He took a step back and dropped the box. He hurriedly dumped the items in his hands on the shelf and rushed out into the cold, dark, snowy night, ignoring Jongin’s and Chanyeol’s worried calls after him.
-
The saltiness and warmness of the sea streaked on every bit of Sehun’s skin as he swam further and further away from the shoreline. He scrunched his face as the sun bathed them with its sweltering beam, but he continued moving in the waters because it helped to fight the heat.
“Zitao!” Sehun called, stopping to tread for a bit.
Zitao, his dark hair, plastered to his forehead and the sides of his face stopped and turned to face him. There was a big smile on his face as he waved for Sehun to swim faster.
“Wait for me!” Sehun called after him again and resumed swimming.
When he let up, he opened his mouth to call Zitao again, but he was nowhere to be found. There was the sea all around him, but he was all by himself.
Sehun could feel the air in his chest constricting as he started to panic. Zitao always liked to play hide-and-seek and Sehun normally laughed it off because it was fun looking for him. He would always know where to look and he’d be rewarded with a number of kisses afterwards. But this was different. They were out into the ocean and he couldn’t exactly run around to look for him.
“This isn’t funny, Zitao!” he yelled.
Sehun splashed around, turning around and around, hoping to catch a glimpse of him. Suddenly, he spotted a tuft of black hair somewhere to his left. He almost stopped breathing as he swam towards it and saw the hunched, clearly unconscious body. He stopped swimming and choked on his own breath, until he felt his vision swimming.
“Sehun! Sehun!”
Sehun opened his eyes and he sat up, hands gripping the handlebars of the chair he was on. He stood up and moved around the room. He hit the desk, causing a couple of things on it to fall on the floor with a loud noise. The noise startled him and he jumped to the wall, sliding downwards until he hit the floor.
He was in an office in the hospital. He wasn’t out in the sea. He wasn’t swimming and looking around for Zitao. Zitao wasn’t… He squeezed his eyes shut. Zitao was still gone.
“Hey,” a gentle voice prodded him back to consciousness. “Are you alright?”
It was the visiting resident, the one with the shiny golden brown hair, pretty skin, and wide doe eyes. Of all the people who would catch him in a fit, it just had to be him. Sehun suddenly felt a startling appreciation for Joonmyun.
“I’m fine,” Sehun cleared his throat as he slowly stood up. He hobbled towards the chair and sat back down on it.
“I just happened to drop by and…” the visiting resident explained uncertainly. “I wasn’t sure what to do so I called one of the doctors who was walking by.” He was playing with his fingers nervously.
“I’m fine,” Sehun repeated, taking a deep breath. He stood up once more and made to walk to the door.
“The chief has already been informed of your…situation,” the visiting resident continued to explain. “He says you can have the rest of the afternoon off.” He paused and Sehun had to look at him. “You should come with me across the street for some coffee,” he offered with a tender smile.
“I-,” Sehun started to decline.
“It’s just coffee,” the resident interrupted, still smiling. “You look like you could use it, too, since you were sleeping on the job.” Sehun scowled. He didn’t fail to hear the notes of blackmail in his voice. With a curt nod, he agreed. “Great! I’m Lu Han by the way,” he introduced himself, offering his hand.
“Doctor-,” Sehun began as he shook his hand.
“Lu Han,” Lu Han interrupted him with a shake of his head. “Let’s not be formal with each other.”
Sehun nodded. He wasn’t going to force the issue if he didn’t want to be called by his title. “Oh Sehun,” he introduced himself.
As they made their way out of the hospital and to the coffee shop across it, Sehun couldn’t help but think that Lu Han was a person whom one wouldn’t think as a doctor. He guessed that if Lu Han wasn’t dressed in doctoral robes, he could pass as something else, like maybe a musician, or a hippie. Or a girl, he couldn’t help but add. Because Lu Han was, and there was no other way to put it, girly. He had those big, fluttery eyes going for him, and then he had a small frame and he just screamed dainty all over.
“You know, it’s rude to stare at someone,” Lu Han merrily interrupted his musings.
Lu Han was already stirring his coffee and Sehun noticed that his own mug, the Starbucks logo glaringly huge, was right in front of him. It seemed cliché for them to be having their cup of coffee there, but the coffee in the hospital was horrible and he’d rather pay extra for something that would actually work in easing the sleep off than getting poisoned.
“I wasn’t,” Sehun denied, lifting the mug to his lips before he frowned and put it back down. He wrinkled his nose. “Did you put milk and cinnamon in my coffee?”
Lu Han gave him a sheepish smile. “It’s a force of habit,” he shared, not even looking apologetic. “You should try it. Cinnamon adds a little something-.”
“I only drink my coffee black. I especially hate milk and cinnamon,” Sehun retorted stiffly and didn’t even try to pretend that it was okay that his coffee was slightly altered. He pushed the mug away and stood up to order himself a new cup.
-
“This is the most disgusting thing!” Zitao made a face as he took a sip from Sehun’s mug. He made a very ugly face that Sehun couldn’t help but slap his face playfully. “What is in this thing?”
“Milk and cinnamon,’ Sehun told him with an eye roll. “They’re the best things to ever happen to coffee.” He stared at Zitao’s own mug and made an ugly face of his own. “Unlike that.”
“This, my dear Sehunnie, is real coffee,” Zitao declared, putting an arm around Sehun. “Dark and black.” He took a gulp just to annoy Sehun and acted like it was the most refreshing drink he’s ever tasted. “Delicious!”
“You’re disgusting!” Sehun pushed him away and stood up, sand immediately getting in between his toes. “There’s no way I’m kissing you now.”
“Wanna bet?” Zitao laughed as he started running after him.
Sehun let out a very unmanly squeal and rushed down the long stretch of the beach in only his board shorts. He glanced behind him and saw Zitao resolutely coming after him, a big mischievous grin on his face and Sehun couldn’t help but think about how Zitao would catch up with him and they’d roll down the beach and exchange a few kisses. Like they always did. Because he made sure that Zitao caught up with him. All the time. He glanced back once again and was surprised to find no one running after him.
Sehun stopped and turned around, confused. He frowned and the splashing of the waves on the shore pulled his attention, making him face it.
Zitao was floating in the water. Dead.
-
Smoke wafted in the night air, mixing in with the fog that was all over the city. It made the lights from the buildings and the vehicles moving to and fro hazy, almost like everything was in a dreamy state. Sehun took another drag of his cigarette, inhaled, and then exhaled, enjoying how it forms into a small cloud in front of him and dissipates into the air.
“I still can’t believe you’re smoking,” Jongin slid down onto the empty step beside him and watched as Sehun took out the pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered it to him. Jongin took a stick out and lit it with the lighter that Sehun handed him next. He took a drag and stared at the stick in between his fingers. “This is going to kill us someday.”
“We’re all going to die anyway,” Sehun muttered.
“So what was it this time?” Jongin asked after a moment, which he always did.
“Still the beach,” Sehun answered, taking an especially long drag. He closed his eyes as he felt the nicotine invade his lungs, making him feel lightheaded. “Always the beach.”
Sehun always dreamt about the beach and Zitao leaving him. It was a constant torture, that gnawed at him and his heart little by little, as if it wanted nothing of him left. It was more or less always the same dream. They would be at the beach, having fun, and then Zitao disappears, and every time he woke up from them, it always felt like his heart was being grinded into pieces.
It was funny how the dreams recreated reality. Zitao loved the beach, always making a point to drag Sehun there every summer. Zitao was the type to enjoy the sand stuck in his toes, the sun beating down his back, and the saltiness of the sea in his mouth. Zitao referred to the beach as paradise.
But paradise killed Zitao.
-
Sehun was in the middle of doing rounds, coming out from one of the rooms to check the patient’s progress, when Chanyeol came into step beside him, practically bouncing on his heels. Sehun didn’t bother asking what’s making him so happy because he’s pretty sure that Chanyeol was going to tell him anyway.
“There’s a big ass surgery later this afternoon,” Chanyeol shared as Sehun expected. “Cancer patient, big tumor, just came in this morning. They’re looking for junior residents to help out.” He swipes his big hand through his hair and grins at him. “Jongin’s already cooing to Joonmyun to let him help out.”
Sehun smirked. “As if Joonmyun’s going to give in,” he said. Joonmyun was a stickler for rules and etiquette. He thought that even if Jongin groveled with a round trip to Paris, Joonmyun still wouldn’t give in because Joonmyun took his job and took fairness seriously.
“He would for you,” Chanyeol told him seriously. “I think it’s time-.”
“That’s not your decision,” Sehun interrupted him sharply.
“You’re right, it’s not. But you’re a surgeon. Doing rounds can’t be all that interesting,” Chanyeol argued. “That’s all you’ve been doing since-.”
“I’m not interested,” Sehun snapped and turned a corner, leaving a frustrated-looking Chanyeol.
-
Sehun pulled his black winter coat tighter around his body and made sure that his wool scarf was secure around his neck. He put his hands snug inside his jacket, watching as white puffs of air formed in front of his face with every exhale he did. The snow crunched under his feet with every step and Sehun couldn’t help but think about how much he’d grown to enjoy winter. He liked each step of his became embedded in the snow, only to be washed away by more snow, and how his skin tingled with the cold every time the wind blew. Very few people he knew enjoyed winter and how cold it always got, but Sehun loved it. It made him numb.
He pushed the door of the convenience store open, the bell tinkling, and stomped his feet off of snow on the rug. It was warm inside, probably because of how high the heaters were set. Minseok, the owner of the store, always had the temperature up, even during the summer.
Sehun made his way through the aisles, nodding in greeting to Minseok, who was restocking the cigarettes on the shelf behind the counter. Sehun’s eyes scanned the instant food packets, wondering what he should get for the night.
“This one’s good,” a voice piped up behind him and he turned around to see that it was Lu Han. He was holding a box of frozen kimbap. “I’ve tried it before and when you heat it far enough, it tastes like the real thing.”
Sehun looked torn for a second, in between annoyance at him sneaking up behind him and some sort of amusement at the fact that he was offering him food choices. “Frozen food is not fake food,” he finally settled, although his statement sounded more like a question.
Lu Han laughed and wrinkled his nose as he looked at the kimbap in his hands. “You’re right,” he agreed and shrugged. “Still, it is good. Do you want to try it?”
Sehun decided on the ramyun he always ate for dinner and held it up for Lu Han to see. “I’m good,” he told him and walked over to the counter.
Lu Han followed after him. Sehun watched at the corner of his eye as Lu Han mulled over the candy choices displayed on the counter, like a child startled into indecision. Sehun couldn’t help but think that, despite Lu Han being four years older than him, sometimes Sehun thought that Lu Han was much younger than he was.
“I didn’t see you during the big operation yesterday,” Lu Han suddenly spoke, eyes still on the candies.
Sehun shifted uncomfortably in his stance, not really sure why Lu Han was getting him into conversation. After that coffee treat turned into something that Sehun thought was a disaster, they barely spoke anymore, merely acknowledging each other in the hospital hallways when they did get to come across each other.
“Not my thing,” Sehun quipped.
Lu Han looked at him at this, bangs half-covering his eyes. “But you’re a surgeon,” he stated, a confused lilt to his voice.
Sehun merely shrugged and really hoped that Lu Han would drop the subject. He felt relieved when Lu Han let out a happy squeal and finally deciding on a push pop instead of a normal lollipop.
“Well I’m off,” Sehun politely told him, turning to leave.
“Oh,” Lu Han said, grabbing one of the boxes of frozen kimbap that he had and pushing it into Sehun’s hands. “You should take this.” When Sehun frowned at him, he chuckled, “I really want you to try it.”
Sehun wordlessly took the kimbap, thinking about how weird Lu Han was, and left the store, the door tinkling again.
Midway to his apartment, he reached down for the kimbap from Lu Han in his paper bag containing one ramyun purchase and threw it into the nearest trashcan.
-
The sun was setting and the bonfire complemented the darkening sky beautifully. The reds, yellows and blues of the fire made everything feel like the surroundings were aglow, matching the red and purple hues of the sky.
Sehun was seated right beside Zitao, who was roasting marshmallows. There were opened packets of marshmallows at their feet, accompanied by a bag of barbeque sticks. Zitao thought it was the perfect time to make s’mores.
Sehun licked at the marshmallow that got stuck to the corner of his lip, refusing to get his fingers sticky to take it off. Zitao chuckled when he noticed what he was trying to do.
“Need help?” Zitao asked, eyes on Sehun’s lips. Without waiting for a response, Zitao leaned forward and licked the marshmallow off and pressed a kiss on his lips afterwards. “Yum,” he hummed.
“Flirt,” Sehun muttered.
Zitao laughed and gave him another kiss, this time in a much slower manner, in a much sweeter way that took Sehun’s breath away.
“You know I love you right, Sehun?” Zitao asked softly as he pulled away. Sehun kept his eyes closed as he smiled and nodded. “I hope you can love yourself the way that I did.”
Sehun opened his eyes to say some confused comment, but Zitao was gone.
-
Sehun hated change. All of his life he learned how to do things a certain way, knew how to do things with a certain someone, and when all of that was taken away from him, he decided that he wasn’t going to let anything or anyone else do the same thing again. So when Lu Han swooped into his life with his honey blond hair and bright smiles, armed with kimbap and milk and cinnamon coffee, he couldn’t help but retaliate.
“I think I clearly remember telling you that I hated milk and cinnamon in my coffee,” Sehun’s distinct sour voice carried over the other conversations in the locker room that Jongin and Chanyeol looked up in interest.
Lu Han bit his lip, frowning for a second, before his face brightened up with another smile. “I always forget,” he chuckled. “But you looked like you could use some coffee so…”
“I don’t need milk and cinnamon in mine,” Sehun retorted tiredly.
Lu Han had been buying him his special coffee everyday for the past month, also sneaking in things like kimbap and jajangmyun or candies inside his bag, He felt like no matter what he said, not matter how spiteful, Lu Han was just going to do it again. The thought really irritated Sehun to no end.
“You can throw it away,” Lu Han finally said, his lips in a straight line, and he left the locker room without fanfare.
Sehun glared at his back and at the door once it had closed then moved towards the nearest trashcan. Before he could drop the cup of coffee, however, Jongin grabbed it and thrust it back into his hands.
“You’re not going to die if you accept his friendship, you know,” Jongin glowered at him.
“People die everyday,” Sehun defiantly responded. “We work in a hospital. You should know this better than anyone.”
“It’s just a cup of coffee,” Jongin insisted. “Why is it so hard for you to let people in?”
“I’ll throw this outside then,” Sehun stated stubbornly.
He ignored how Jongin hard turned away from him like it was Jongin’s coffee that he’d refused and left the locker room, his bag over his shoulder. He didn’t have time to let people in. People always left anyway. What was the point of making one’s self go through the misery when they did leave?
He was halfway through the hospital lobby when he heard Chanyeol catching up to him. Chanyeol had his backpack hanging on both his shoulders, out of his scrub suit and wearing glasses.
“You’re wearing glasses,” Sehun did a double take.
Chanyeol gave him a look. “I’ve been wearing them for a year, Sehun,” he said, and Sehun merely shrugged. He didn’t really care. It was just an observation. “So… Jongin and I are going to eat dinner out tonight, instead of buying from the convenience store. Want to come with?”
“I’ll pass,” Sehun told him without even thinking about it.
“C’mon, Sehun,” Chanyeol seemed unfazed. “Hang out with us. It’s been a while. Joonmyun’s coming, too.”
Sehun shook his head again. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” he said, and made his way out of the hospital and into the cold, dark winter night, not noticing that he was still holding onto the coffee from Lu Han.
-
Sehun was on the beach again. He was walking by the shore, the water touching his feet, his hands in his pockets. As he walked, he looked down at his feet as they sank on the sand, burying them deep before lifting them up and taking a step. He really liked how the sand felt on and under his feet.
Zitao nudged his arm and Sehun looked up, following his outstretched arm to where it was pointing in the distance. “Look,” Zitao directed.
Sehun followed his line of sight to the distance and saw honey blond hair, bright eyes and pink lips.
-
The next morning, there was coffee waiting for Sehun at the nurses’ station. He didn’t have to ask to know where whom it’s from, if only for the knowing smiles that the nurses shoot at him. He brought the coffee closer to his nose and frowned. He made his way down the hallway and to the next counter, where a couple of other doctors were hanging out.
“You gave me the wrong coffee,” Sehun told Lu Han, not even bothering to wait for him to finish talking Yixing, one of the hospital’s internists. He patiently waited as Yixing moved away from Lu Han to go over to talk to Jongin and Chanyeol instead. “Did you forget?”
Lu Han looked at the coffee then at Sehun, brows a bit furrowed. “Sehun, that’s the way you take your coffee,” he reminded him. “Black and boring,” he added, a smile trying to sneak its way to his lips.
“But you’ve never gotten that for me. You always give me the one with milk and cinnamon,” Sehun prompted. He looked straight at Lu Han, ignoring everyone else who seemed to be listening into their conversation.
“I don’t see the problem since you always just throw it away,” Lu Han said, and there was a flash of hurt in his eyes that confused Sehun.
Sehun paused for a second, slightly unsure on what to say, before settling on, “Not always.” He placed the cup of black coffee into Lu Han’s hands and added, “Next time, don’t forget.”
Sehun walked away, hands in the pockets of his white coat, wondering what had just transpired. He was about to turn a corner when there were frantic footsteps coming after him. He stopped and found Lu Han hurrying over, still with the coffee in his hands.
“I don’t-,” Sehun started to speak.
“Here,” Lu Han told him, handing him the coffee. He gave him a small smile and walked away.
Sehun could smell the cinnamon.
-
It was much easier to give in right after that. Sehun soon found himself hanging out with Lu Han more, and even with Jongin and Chanyeol, too. It still didn’t happen as often because Sehun was stubborn and liked to stick to his routine.
Sehun had just picked his ramyun packet off the shelf, along with a sachet of toothpaste, when the door chimes tinkled and Lu Han walked in.
“Hey,” Lu Han greeted him, sounding breathless. He dusted snow off his bonnet and beamed at him, nose and cheeks pink. “What are you getting?”
Sehun felt sheepish and, therefore, looked sheepish as he held up his favorite packet of ramyun. Lu Han chuckled and Sehun felt even more embarrassed.
Lu Han walked through the aisles, taking several things, before dumping them all on the counter. Sehun could see two boxes of kimbap, a cup of instant jajangmyun, and two bottles of water.
“Why do you have so much?” Sehun asked after he’d paid as well.
Lu Han chuckled. “I was going to ask you to eat with me, actually,” he confessed.
“What, here?” Sehun asked, surprised.
Lu Han nodded. Sehun looked around and saw that there were tables and chairs on one side of the store. He frowned and wondered how it was that he’d been buying ramyun in that store for two years and he hadn’t noticed. Sehun turned to give Minseok a questioning look and Minseok just chuckled back at him.
Sehun sat down from across Lu Han’s seat and patiently waited as Lu Han got everything ready. He offered to help out, but Lu Han insisted that he just take his seat and let him do everything.
Once everything was ready, Lu Han finally sat down and they started to eat. Sehun couldn’t help but observe how Lu Han seemed so happy eating kimbap and jajangmyun at such a dingy place.
“Do you always eat here?” Sehun asked, putting a piece of kimbap in his mouth.
“I do,” Lu Han nodded, “before I go home. I’m too lazy to call for take-out and almost always end up not ordering and, therefore, starving when I don’t stop by here.”
“So in all the times we’ve bumped into each other here, you’ve always stayed behind to eat?” Sehun asked in disbelief.
“Yes,” Lu Han confirmed with a laugh. He dipped his chopsticks in the jajangmyun cup and took a couple of noodles to put onto Sehun’s plate.
“Why have I never seen you?” Sehun blurted out, a bit miffed that he seemed to miss out on a lot of things.
“I’m sure you just have a lot on your mind,” Lu Han waved it off dismissively. The way Lu Han said it just made Sehun feel more annoyed.
Sehun had prided himself in being observant, seeing details that no one else saw. It was that trait that made him want to get into medical school, to get into medicine. He liked how there were so many minute things that encompassed the human body and in curing a person that he couldn’t wait but want to know them all. But this, the thought that he hadn’t been paying enough attention, starting from Chanyeol wearing glasses and Jongin dating the nurse named Krystal, or the way Lu Han always seemed like he was going to burst with smiles and laughter, suddenly made him feel out of touch, with the world and with himself.
“Would you mind if I joined you every time you do?” Sehun found himself asking, surprising both himself and Lu Han.
Lu Han’s face split into a smile. “You’re welcome to,” he agreed.
-
The days, weeks and months blended into each other that Sehun didn’t really notice how the snow was slowly melting, the trees becoming green and the flowers blooming again. The cold was gone, replaced by cool winds and the cheerful rays of the sun. Spring had come.
“Doctor,” the little girl wrapped her small fingers around his two fingers and tugged gently, “is my mommy going to be okay?”
Sehun crouched down and placed his hands on the little girl’s shoulders. “Your mommy is fine,” he assured her. “Doctor Kim has made sure of that,” he said, glancing up at where Joonmyun was standing by the door, smiling.
“Okay that’s good,” the little girl said, smiling widely before lunging towards Sehun to give him a hug. “I’m glad. I don’t like mommy being sick.”
Sehun patted the girl’s head before pulling away and standing up. He nodded towards the patient, a woman in her mid-thirties, coming out from a successful operation by Joonmyun, before slipping through the door, followed by Joonmyun.
“I’m impressed,” Joonmyun commented.
“With what?” Sehun demanded, eyes on the folder in his hand with the patients that he had to visit that day.
“That the little girl didn’t come running away from you,” Joonmyun stated. “They’d normally be cowering behind their parents’ and-,”
“They do not,” Sehun countered fiercely.
“Now they don’t,” Joonmyun gave in just a little. He smiled like he was very pleased at this development. His beeper alarm sounded and he took it out of his pocket. “Lu Han’s has a surgery in 30 minutes,” he then told Sehun. “Join him.”
Sehun froze and stopped walking. “What?” His tongue felt numb.
Joonmyun stared at him. “Lu Han has a surgery and he needs help,” he repeated like he wasn’t sure why he was repeating things. “Go and help him.”
“You’re making me…” Sehun tried to reason. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to, but it had been a while since he had joined in on a surgery.
“I’m making Jongin do labs due to that screw up he pulled and Chanyeol’s in double heart bypass with Kyungsoo,” Joonmyun relayed. He raised his eyebrows when Sehun just stood there as if he was waiting for something else. “You can go now,” he added.
“Okay,” Sehun started and went on his way.
-
An arm slung over him and if Sehun hadn’t been so used to it, it would have startled him. Jongin chuckled to his ear and squeezed him tightly. “I heard about your successful operation,” he said.
“It wasn’t my operation,” Sehun stated.
“Of course,” Jongin laughed. “Want to go get some drinks? Joonmyun’s treat.”
Sehun rolled his eyes because as much as Joonmyun was rich, being an attending physician and all, he was also the stingiest person he knew. The probability that Joonmyun was treating them was even lower than Jongin being the one to do so.
“I can’t,” Sehun said, shaking his head as he thought about his regular dinner time with Lu Han at the convenience store.
“Aww you always suck,” Jongin grumbled, but it was halfhearted. “See you tomorrow then.”
Jongin left the locker room and sped away like a child. Sehun opened his locker and placed in his neatly folded scrubs suit inside his bag, making a note to wash it as soon as he got home. He zipped his bag up and pulled it out of his locker, carrying it over one shoulder. As he was closing his locker, Lu Han poked his head in the room.
“Ready?” he asked.
They made their way down to the lobby in silence, Sehun was lost in his thoughts as he admired how the clean and polished the marble floors of the hospital were. It was so different with how Zitao used to describe the floors in their law firm, which he always said were covered in dirty carpet and a stack of papers.
“I heard Joonmyun making plans with Chanyeol and Jongin earlier,” Lu Han spoke as they reached the lobby.
“Yeah,” Sehun said. “Jongin asked me to come earlier.”
“Don’t you want to?” Lu Han asked.
“Do you want to?” Sehun countered.
Lu Han laughed, a pink blush spreading over his cheeks. “Well, something new is always nice,” he said, slightly lifting his left shoulder.
When they reached the lobby, they found Jongin, Chanyeol and Joonmyun just about to leave. Sehun jogged up to them.
“Look who it is!” Chanyeol teased. “Are you finally coming with us?”
“Yeah,” Sehun said and he almost wanted to laugh at Jongin’s shocked expression. He reached behind him and put an arm around Lu Han. “I hope you guys don’t mind if Lu Han joins us.”
“The more the merrier!” Jongin cheered after he’d gotten over his shock.
Sehun met Joonmyun’s eyes as they all walked out of the lobby. Joonmyun’s eyes widened a little when Sehun gave him a small smile.
-
Sehun entered the operating room, hands in front of him, having just washed them. He pulled the mask up to cover his mouth as he moved towards the operating table, where a dark-haired male in his late 20’s lay, suffering from a thyroid disorder. As the nurse handed him the scalpel under his request, he glanced up at the area above the room, where doctors could watch. Joonmyun was there. Sehun nodded and began.
It was Sehun’s first operation by himself in two years. He had been one of the best and most promising doctors to have come out from his batch and he became highly regarded by the other attendings when he decided to practice in Seoul Hospital. It was the nearest hospital to where Zitao’s law firm was. It was just luck that it was a reputable hospital, too. But Sehun didn’t really care about that. He hadn’t wanted to become a doctor just to make himself rich.
The operation was going fine, Sehun going through the cutting and curing without any hitches. He even had music playing in the room because he found that it relaxed him, as well as the nurses. He was even joking around with some of them as he worked. It was a simple operation, pretty much routine for any doctor.
Until something started going wrong. The patient’s vital signs started dropping and Sehun started to panic. He glanced up and saw that Joonmyun had pushed himself off the wall, where he’d been relaxed against, attentively watching him.
Sehun did everything by the book, going through all the procedures to stabilize the patient, but nothing was working.
And, suddenly, Sehun had flashes of another dark-haired male on the operating table, there was a lot of beeping, signs of things not going well, and Sehun saw himself panicking and doing everything he could to improve his condition, trying to revive him even when his heart stopped and the long beep of a flatline echoed in his ears.
The patient died.
Sehun ran out of the operating room. He wasn’t sure where he was running to, but he found himself in the bathroom, hunched over a toilet bowl, spewing out the contents of his stomach. There were tears flowing down his cheeks, tears he couldn’t stop, until he was crowing in the corner of the stall, sobbing on his knees.
A while later, the bathroom stall opened and he felt arms wrap around him, and instead of Sehun crying on his knees, he was now crying on a warm chest with comforting hands rubbing up and down his back.
“I killed him,” Sehun sobbed brokenly. “I killed him.”
“Of course you didn’t,” Lu Han sharply retorted. “It was a complicated procedure and the patient had a weak heart.”
“No, you don’t understand,” Sehun pulled away as he shook his head. He looked into Lu Han’s eyes. “I killed him. I killed Zitao.”
Lu Han’s hands on his back stilled.
-
Joonmyun clasped his hands together as Sehun entered his office. Sehun took a seat on one of the chairs in front of the desk and stared at his hands placed primly on his lap. He knew what this conversation was going to be about, had seen it coming from a mile away. It was even surprising that Joonmyun was only talking to him now and not a couple of months ago when he should already have.
“Sehun, look at me,” Joonmyun began quietly.
Sehun slowly lifted his gaze to meet Joonmyun’s and Sehun found himself fighting back tears as he did because he knew that Joonmyun knew.
“I’m sorry,” Sehun repeated as he looked down on his lap again.
“Sehun, look at me,” and this time Joonmyun’s tone was sharp and commanding. Sehun obeyed. “That man dying wasn’t your fault. Operations have complications and we always try our best to save lives, but we can’t always do so. We’re not god.”
Sehun shook his head. “Still, I could have-.”
“You did everything you could,” Joonmyun interrupted him harshly. “I was there. I saw you do everything. It wasn’t your fault,” he repeated slowly just to drill it in his head.
“But Zitao-,” Sehun started to say and Joonmyun slapped his hand loudly on his desk, making Sehun jump.
“We’re not talking about Zitao here!” Joonmyun practically bellowed. He closed his eyes as Sehun cowered, trying to calm himself down. “Sehun,” he sighed, looking concerned. “I don’t know how many times I need to tell you this, but Zitao was very sick and you did all you could, but there wasn’t much to be done.”
“If he had just told me, if he’d just-,” Sehun began.
“But he didn’t,” Joonmyun told him patiently. “He didn’t and he had to die. But it wasn’t in yours hands. It wasn’t because of you.”
“I was the one in the operating room,” Sehun choked back a sob.
Joonmyun got up from his seat behind the desk and joined him in front, taking a seat across him. “Sehun, please,” he whispered, reaching for both of Sehun’s hands and squeezing them. “Please stop doing this to yourself.”
Sehun took a deep breath and pushed back thoughts of Zitao being sickly and coughing up blood in the back of his mind. He took a deep breath and looked at Joonmyun again through glassy eyes.
“Am I suspended?” Sehun bravely asked.
“No,” Joonmyun shook his head.
Sehun nodded and stood up. It wasn’t enough punishment to be suspended. He should be dead instead.
-
“Hey,” Lu Han slowly reached out to clasp Sehun’s hand in his. Sehun stilled for a second before taking his hand and grabbing his backpack from his locker.
“I won’t be able to walk home with you tonight,” Sehun stiffly stated as he closed his locker shut. He decidedly avoided Lu Han’s gaze because he knew that what he would see would only make him feel guilty, and he was tired of being guilty.
He had been avoiding Lu Han since he’d comforted him in the bathroom stall, which was not that easy to do since being doctors in the same hospital required a lot of interaction, but he managed to do it. Because being with Lu Han made him feel so many things, things that he never really fully understood in the past and still didn’t understand now. Although now, it seemed more confusing than ever because Zitao was still in his head and in his heart. Zitao was the love of his life and he could never be replaced. He didn’t want to replace him.
“What did I do, Sehun?” Lu Han asked pleadingly, just like he did every night. Lu Han only barely caught him just before he left for the day and each time Sehun would just shake his head and walk away.
Sehun shifted the position of his bag higher on his shoulder and walked out of the locker room. Lu Han quietly followed on his heels. Sehun could hear the movements that were things he’d come to recognize in the time they’d spent together; the way Lu Han ran his hand through his hair when he was worried, the way he bit his lip, the light shuffle of his feet on the marble floor, the way he shook his hands nervously. It was driving Sehun crazy. So he stopped in his tracks and faced him.
“Stop following me,” Sehun bitingly directed.
“I don’t know what I did to make you so angry at me like this,” Lu Han blinked at him and Sehun made the mistake of looking at him when he did so.
“I’m not… It’s not…” Sehun tried to formulate sentences that would explain how he felt, but with Lu Han looking so dejected, he suddenly felt like he couldn’t bear to hurt him further. “What do you want?” he asked instead.
“I…” Lu Han hesitated. “I prepared some food for you in my apartment. Would be a nice change from microwave food, don’t you think?” There was a hopeful lilt in his tone and one that Sehun couldn’t reject.
As they entered Lu Han’s apartment, Sehun couldn’t help but notice how sparsely decorated it was. There were boxes in one corner of the living room and Sehun wondered if Lu Han had packed his stuff back in or if he never just bothered to unpack at all. He stood in the middle of the apartment, stiff and not wanting to touch or even really look at anything.
Shortly after, they were seated across each other in Lu Han’s small dining table, adorned with steaming bibimbap, japchae, and kimchi soup. Sehun tried hard not to enjoy himself, but it had been so long since he’d had homemade food, too long. He leaned back on his seat as Lu Han continued to eat, animatedly telling him stories like the hadn’t been ignoring him for days.
Sometimes Sehun wondered who Lu Han really was. He was just starting to realize that, while Lu Han may now know the intimate and dark details of his life, he knew nothing about Lu Han. He wasn’t even sure what his doctoral specialty was and that was the most basic of all information in a doctor. He suddenly looked up, coming out of his reverie, startled to find Lu Han standing beside him.
“Come,” Lu Han quietly urged him as he tugged him towards the bedroom.
As Lu Han started to strip away his clothes, Sehun watched him with an indescribable emotion, blurting out before he could stop himself, “I don’t even know you.”
Lu Han returned his gaze with something akin to desperation. He traced Sehun’s arm with one hand before clasping Sehun’s hand and pressing it to his heart. “Then get to know me,” he whispered.
-
There was sand in his mouth. Sehun coughed as he sat up, trying to spit out the coarse earth that had managed to make its way to his mouth because of rolling around in the beach. Zitao sat up beside him, laughing at the way Sehun kept on making ugly faces in the process.
“I hate the beach,” Sehun grumbled as they trudged back to where their things were under a big yellow umbrella. He grabbed a bottle of water and gargled.
Zitao’s eyes were soft on him. “I know you do,” he said, a small smile on his lips. “You’ve always hated the beach.”
Sehun stilled his movements and his sharp gaze bore into Zitao. “I love you,” he said as if that explained everything.
Zitao sighed and pulled Sehun to sit down back on the sand beside him. “Sometimes… sometimes, just loving me isn’t enough, Sehun,” he quietly told him. He was looking somewhere far away, on the beach, but maybe even farther than that. “There will come a time when just loving me won’t be enough.”
Sehun frowned and reached for his hand, interlacing their fingers together. “What are you talking about?” he demanded. “Loving you will always be enough.”
Zitao gently smiled and touched Sehun’s chin to make him face him. “There’s more to the world than me, Sehun,” he elaborated. “There are so many other things, other people out there in the world. I’m not the only thing you can love.”
“Zitao, I don’t-“
“Besides, you killed me, Sehun,” Zitao interrupted, tone and disposition unchanging. There was still a smile on his lips and the way he looked at him was still lovingly. “How can you say you love me when you killed me? You killed me, Sehun. You killed me.”
Sehun sat up, a piercing and shuddering cry escaping his lips. He breathed in and out, in and out, in and out, but he still couldn’t shake the trembling in his limbs. He could still see the way Zitao told him quite simply that he killed him. Sehun was responsible for Zitao’s death. Sehun was Zitao’s paradise and paradise killed Zitao.
He buried his face into his hands as he burst into loud, halting sobs. He hadn’t had a dream about Zitao in a long time, hadn’t felt the loss in quite a while. But now that he had dreamt again, it was in such a vividly horrifying way that he wasn’t sure how to move on from it. How could he believe that he really didn’t kill Zitao when Zitao himself said it?
“Are you okay?” Lu Han wrapped an arm around his sweaty torso, making Sehun remember just then that he had stayed over at Lu Han’s apartment, stayed over and-
Sehun scrambled off the bed and away from Lu Han’s touch as if burned. He moved about the room, hastily collecting his clothing and putting them on. Lu Han got up and dressed up as well, worriedly watching Sehun stuff his phone and wallet into his pockets and head for the door.
“Where are you going?” Lu Han demanded. “Are you just going to leave me like this?”
Sehun turned to his sharply. “I do not have to give an answer to that question,” he slowly and calculatingly stated. “Whatever this…” He gestured around the bedroom. “…is, it means nothing.”
Lu Han took a step back, clearly hurt. “But you said-“
“Whatever I told you last night was a lie!” Sehun snapped. He ran a hand through his already-messy hair. “I am not yours! I will never be yours! I am Zitao’s. I love Zitao and I will always love him.”
“Zitao is dead, Sehun,” Lu Han icily declared. “There’s more to life than Zitao!”
Sehun lunged at him and hit Lu Han before he could stop himself. Lu Han fell back on the bed, a hand gingerly touching his bruising cheek. Sehun stood there, shocked at what he’d done. He looked like he wanted to attend to Lu Han, but, at the same time, wasn’t really sure how to.
“There will never be more than Zitao. There will never be anyone who--,” Sehun yelled.
“So, what, you’re just going to live your life in the pretence that Zitao is going to come back?” Lu Han retorted. “He’s not going to come back, Sehun. You should know that by now and start living your life.”
Sehun shook his head. “There is no life without him. This, this so-called life,” he gestured violently around the room, “is nothing! Nothing!”
“Well it’s the only one you have so I guess you better start making it into something,” Lu Han snapped, clearly frustrated. He stood up but didn’t make a move towards him. “You’re a doctor, Sehun, you should know this of all people.”
“I watch people die everyday,” Sehun blandly responded.
Lu Han’s eyes widened and shook his head, his eyes turning glassy. “No. No, you give people second chances everyday, Sehun. That’s what a doctor does, that’s what we try to do,” he desperately explained.
Sehun quieted down at this. The lump in his throat seemed to thicken and he wanted nothing more than to lash out at Lu Han, at the world. In the end, he just turned around and headed for the door, goodbye at the tip of his tongue.
-
Sehun didn’t apologize to Lu Han, almost sure that Lu Han would just come up to him when they see each other in the hallway and initiate the reconciliation because it’s what Lu Han did, and it was how Lu Han was. But Sehun never saw Lu Han in the hospital after that day, or in the days or weeks that followed.
He never bothered asking anyone about it because he had pushed Lu Han away, had always been pushing Lu Han away. From the coffee, to the kimbap, to all the other life lessons Lu Han had slowly been ingraining in him, Sehun never really accepted them, never really accepted him. He chose to keep him at arm’s length, the way he’d always done ever since Zitao.
He inhaled a thick block of smoke, enjoying the way it filled his lungs. He closed his eyes, slightly tilting his head back, reveling at the feeling of his emptiness being temporarily filled up with even more emptiness.
“Lu Han’s…,” Jongin started to speak through the swirling smoke around them.
Sehun kept his eyes closed and tuned him out. Lu Han was still a sore subject for him, one that he’d tried over and over to bury underneath the huge mess that was his heart. He knew what he should do, knew that it was something he had to do, but ignored it anyway. He didn’t think he was ready. He wasn’t sure whether he’d ever be ready.
Sehun opened his eyes and took another drag of his smoke.
-
Spring passed without much fanfare. Sehun didn’t care much for spring. It was a season he normally just let fade back because he was always looking forward to summer. Or Zitao was always looking forward to summer and he just did the same. He took a deep breath and turned around, watching as his friends scrambled everywhere.
Chanyeol, stopping in the middle of stuffing another pair of board shorts in his already-full bag, turned to him. “Are you sure you don’t want to come with us?” he asked again.
“Chanyeol, stop forcing him,” Jongin berated him as he crossed the living room to grab the pair of goggles he had placed on the mantle earlier. Chanyeol pouted at being told off.
Joonmyun stood beside Sehun, taking a deep breath. “You’ve always loved the beach,” he quietly reminded him, hoping that he would come with them. It had been so long, too long, since Sehun did anything out of his routine life. There had been sparks of hope when Lu Han wedged himself into Sehun’s life, but Lu Han was gone and Sehun had reverted back even further into his shell.
“No, Zitao’s always loved the beach,” Sehun corrected him, swallowing. He blew out a breath. “I don’t even really know if I like it.”
“Well, don’t you think it’s time that you find out whether you do?” Joonmyun asked.
-
Sehun stood at the edge of the beach, the water teasing the tips of his toes as he contemplated whether to go for a walk or not. The sun was shining brightly in the sky, its beams slathering itself on Sehun’s face and arms. Taking a deep breath, he looked up and saw a memorable someone with honey blond hair, bright eyes and pink lips walking along the shore, feet submerged into the waters.
Unmoving, he waited with bated breath for those wide doe eyes to see him. When it did, Sehun moved his feet, slowly, one step at a time.
The water was cool on his feet and Sehun decided that he might just come to actually like the beach, even a little.
Author's Note:
I don't think this is angsty enough, honestly. EXO fluff has seriously ruined me and all my angsty feelsBut I hope this is still readable and that it isn't confusing, though. There was a moment where I thought of scrapping the whole thing because, well, that's how I am. LOL. If you have questions, let me know? Comments are very welcome. :)
I want to thank Chrys for all the beta work, Flora for all her smut because it makes me laugh haha, to Annie and Maia for help with the summary (because I suck at it) and to Irisy, and my tlist, for the support. <3
EXO | Sehun/Lu Han, Sehun/Tao | PG-13 | 9,672w
Angst, Romance
Sehun offers second chances everyday, to everyone except himself.
For galaexo
Prompts used: 1 2 3 4 and 5. "There's always something to look at if you open your eyes." - Doctor Who
Warnings: (highlight) Character death
This was partly beta'd by khrysallis1106
memories fade away, but the sky still lights up
The sun was high in the sky, its light and heat bearing down on their bare faces and bare necks. The warmth, almost unbearable, prickled through their skin, seeping into the pores, making them feel like they were burning inside their bodies as well. But Sehun relished the heat and didn’t care whether he was tanning to a point where he knew there would be peeling and pain afterwards.
Sehun could already see the shore on the horizon, the small strip of island that they were sailing towards. He smiled, eyes turning to half moons, as he looked to his right, where the captain of the boat was standing, driving. They smiled at each other, laughter bubbling out of their lips as the excitement coursed through them.
Sehun looked back at the island, hand half covering his eyes to block out the sun’s rays. The sand was white and looked pure and fine. They’d been told a many good things about this particular beach, about how it was picturesque and virgin and that it made guests feel relaxed and feel far away from their problems. It was precisely that reason why they were ecstatic to find out that it would be available only to them that weekend. It had been a while since they’d had a vacation like this and Sehun couldn’t wait to explore. He turned back towards his companion, an excited squeal on his lips.
The sails were flapping against the wind and the steering wheel was turning this way and that. But there was no one there. He glanced back at the island and saw that they were almost there then panicked at the thought that he was alone. He lunged towards the steering wheel in an attempt to stop the boat or to pull the brakes.
But the crash was inevitable.
-
Sehun flipped through the chart as he checked the vital signs of the patient, making sure that everything was stable, that the patient’s medication was given according to the set time and that it was working according to expectation. He raised his eyes to the patient’s mother, returning the chart to its proper place at the foot of the bed, and nodded before leaving the room.
Joonmyun, an attending physician of the hospital, was waiting for him outside. His attention was on his Blackberry, brows furrowed, so Sehun didn’t even bother greeting him. But Joonmyun easily got into step with him as they walked down the hallway.
“Would it kill you to at least smile at your patients?” Joonmyun asked, pocketing his phone. There were many other things he would rather-or should-be doing at the moment, but he thought that he and Sehun needed to have another one of those talks. He ran a hand through his dark red hair, patting it slightly afterwards to make sure it wasn’t unruly, before thrusting his hands into the pockets of his white coat.
“Yes.” Sehun’s answer was simple and abrupt. He and Joonmyun had this talk everyday for the past two and a half years. He’d mostly left Sehun alone in the first six months because Joonmyun always gave people the space that they needed. Sehun thought that it was too bad that Joonmyun wasn’t really too nice as he’d initially let on.
“I’ve been getting a lot of complaints, Sehun,” Joonmyun sighed in exasperation. “It’s not only the patients, but it’s also the nurses and the other doctors.” He watched as Sehun merely walked on, not a flicker of expression on his severe face.
“Jongin and Chanyeol should mind their own business,” Sehun quipped, stopping in the middle of the hallway and turning to him. “I’m fine.”
Joonmyun had known Sehun for a couple of years. He’d watched in the sidelines as the young boy slowly grew up into a 5”7 male with too pale skin, pink lips and a bowl cut of dark brown hair. He’d always thought that Sehun had grown up faster than any young man should have. It was like he was thrust into it without his permission and with no one’s hand to hold. He never wished that for him and would never wish it for anyone. But everything had its limits and he couldn’t go on letting Sehun go through things like a lifeless shell. He opened his mouth to retort, but his beeper rang. He sighed as he went through the message.
Joonmyun waved one of the doctors hanging out at the nurses’ station over. A tall, slightly gangly male with golden curls sped over, his wide grin such a big contrast to Sehun’s scowl. Joonmyun slightly flinched as Chanyeol’s smile grew even wider, but forced back the snappy retort that was bubbling up inside him. He really should go and take Jongdae on his offer for that quick break.
“Please take Sehun and Jongin to the board room in an hour,” Joonmyun advised him and Chanyeol nodded with a firm resolve. “We need to meet the new visiting resident and I’ll need all hands on deck.” He then turned to Sehun. “This conversation is not over,” he assured him determinedly.
“It never is,” Sehun replied evenly.
There was a quirk to Sehun’s lips that Joonmyun had hoped it would blossom into at least a smirk. But it didn’t. It had been a long time since anyone had seen Sehun smile.
-
“Heads up!”
Sehun looked up, but merely watched as a packet of jajangmyun sailed over his head and right into Chanyeol’s hands. Jongin and Chanyeol both cheered as if throwing and catching jajangmyun merited that kind of happy response.
“What do you guys think of the visiting resident?” Jongin asked from the other side of the store, leaning against the beverage section. The way he was deciding on which drink to get looked like he was like deciding what hospital to work at.
“Pretty cute, right?” Chanyeol’s eyebrows wiggled as he sided by Jongin.
“Cute?” Jongin interjected, deciding on orange juice. “He’s hot if you ask me. I wonder…” An almost evil smirk covered his face as he closed the fridge and Chanyeol had to smack the back of his head.
“I wonder what Kyungsoo, the guy who waits for you to come home from your busy schedule, would think of that,” Chanyeol rolled his eyes and walked off to another aisle, even as Jongin threw a pack of chips at him.
Jongin huffed and rubbed his hands together, tightening the scarf around his neck. He looked out of the window and watched as the snow drizzled onto the ground, meshing with the thick white carpet of snow. He was never a fan of winter, but he couldn’t help but think about how this had got to be one of the coldest ones they’d ever experienced. He looked up at Chanyeol, who was, for some reason, untying his own scarf.
“Yah,” Jongin called to him, bringing his hands to his mouth and blowing on them. “Can I borrow that?”
Sehun, meanwhile, went through the aisles of the convenience store in silence, effectively ignoring Jongin and Chanyeol’s boisterous laughter. He plucked out the things he thought he needed for his apartment. He was already running out of shampoo and soap and maybe some toothpaste. He held the three items on one hand as he turned to the other aisle filled with all sorts of packed and instant food. He took one packet of ramyun and headed to the counter.
“Ramyun again?” Jongin wrinkled his nose in something akin to disgust.
“No one asked you,” Sehun snapped. He really didn’t like how everyone seemed to always be on his case all the time. He let Joonmyun’s nagging slide because Joonmyun was still an attending. No matter which way he looked at it, a resident is nothing compared to an attending.
Jongin raised his hands up as if in surrender and shook his head as they walked past Chanyeol. It was really hard to joke around Sehun anymore. Chanyeol was looking through the biscuits and chocolates on the shelf. Suddenly, he took a red, boxed one with panda drawings on it.
“Hey!” Chanyeol exclaimed. “Look it’s-.”
Sehun flicked his attention to him just as Jongin slapped a hand on Chanyeol’s mouth. “It’s nothing, Sehun,” Jongin smiled in reassurance. “It’s just…” He laughed nervously and tugged Chanyeol towards the counter, the red box tumbling to the floor.
Hello Panda.
Sehun gripped the box tightly, almost denting it, as he picked it up. His eyes traced the black and white animal drawing against the glaring red, and flashes of night black hair, searing gazes, pink lips and white teeth imprinted themselves behind his eyelids as he closed his eyes. He took a step back and dropped the box. He hurriedly dumped the items in his hands on the shelf and rushed out into the cold, dark, snowy night, ignoring Jongin’s and Chanyeol’s worried calls after him.
-
The saltiness and warmness of the sea streaked on every bit of Sehun’s skin as he swam further and further away from the shoreline. He scrunched his face as the sun bathed them with its sweltering beam, but he continued moving in the waters because it helped to fight the heat.
“Zitao!” Sehun called, stopping to tread for a bit.
Zitao, his dark hair, plastered to his forehead and the sides of his face stopped and turned to face him. There was a big smile on his face as he waved for Sehun to swim faster.
“Wait for me!” Sehun called after him again and resumed swimming.
When he let up, he opened his mouth to call Zitao again, but he was nowhere to be found. There was the sea all around him, but he was all by himself.
Sehun could feel the air in his chest constricting as he started to panic. Zitao always liked to play hide-and-seek and Sehun normally laughed it off because it was fun looking for him. He would always know where to look and he’d be rewarded with a number of kisses afterwards. But this was different. They were out into the ocean and he couldn’t exactly run around to look for him.
“This isn’t funny, Zitao!” he yelled.
Sehun splashed around, turning around and around, hoping to catch a glimpse of him. Suddenly, he spotted a tuft of black hair somewhere to his left. He almost stopped breathing as he swam towards it and saw the hunched, clearly unconscious body. He stopped swimming and choked on his own breath, until he felt his vision swimming.
“Sehun! Sehun!”
Sehun opened his eyes and he sat up, hands gripping the handlebars of the chair he was on. He stood up and moved around the room. He hit the desk, causing a couple of things on it to fall on the floor with a loud noise. The noise startled him and he jumped to the wall, sliding downwards until he hit the floor.
He was in an office in the hospital. He wasn’t out in the sea. He wasn’t swimming and looking around for Zitao. Zitao wasn’t… He squeezed his eyes shut. Zitao was still gone.
“Hey,” a gentle voice prodded him back to consciousness. “Are you alright?”
It was the visiting resident, the one with the shiny golden brown hair, pretty skin, and wide doe eyes. Of all the people who would catch him in a fit, it just had to be him. Sehun suddenly felt a startling appreciation for Joonmyun.
“I’m fine,” Sehun cleared his throat as he slowly stood up. He hobbled towards the chair and sat back down on it.
“I just happened to drop by and…” the visiting resident explained uncertainly. “I wasn’t sure what to do so I called one of the doctors who was walking by.” He was playing with his fingers nervously.
“I’m fine,” Sehun repeated, taking a deep breath. He stood up once more and made to walk to the door.
“The chief has already been informed of your…situation,” the visiting resident continued to explain. “He says you can have the rest of the afternoon off.” He paused and Sehun had to look at him. “You should come with me across the street for some coffee,” he offered with a tender smile.
“I-,” Sehun started to decline.
“It’s just coffee,” the resident interrupted, still smiling. “You look like you could use it, too, since you were sleeping on the job.” Sehun scowled. He didn’t fail to hear the notes of blackmail in his voice. With a curt nod, he agreed. “Great! I’m Lu Han by the way,” he introduced himself, offering his hand.
“Doctor-,” Sehun began as he shook his hand.
“Lu Han,” Lu Han interrupted him with a shake of his head. “Let’s not be formal with each other.”
Sehun nodded. He wasn’t going to force the issue if he didn’t want to be called by his title. “Oh Sehun,” he introduced himself.
As they made their way out of the hospital and to the coffee shop across it, Sehun couldn’t help but think that Lu Han was a person whom one wouldn’t think as a doctor. He guessed that if Lu Han wasn’t dressed in doctoral robes, he could pass as something else, like maybe a musician, or a hippie. Or a girl, he couldn’t help but add. Because Lu Han was, and there was no other way to put it, girly. He had those big, fluttery eyes going for him, and then he had a small frame and he just screamed dainty all over.
“You know, it’s rude to stare at someone,” Lu Han merrily interrupted his musings.
Lu Han was already stirring his coffee and Sehun noticed that his own mug, the Starbucks logo glaringly huge, was right in front of him. It seemed cliché for them to be having their cup of coffee there, but the coffee in the hospital was horrible and he’d rather pay extra for something that would actually work in easing the sleep off than getting poisoned.
“I wasn’t,” Sehun denied, lifting the mug to his lips before he frowned and put it back down. He wrinkled his nose. “Did you put milk and cinnamon in my coffee?”
Lu Han gave him a sheepish smile. “It’s a force of habit,” he shared, not even looking apologetic. “You should try it. Cinnamon adds a little something-.”
“I only drink my coffee black. I especially hate milk and cinnamon,” Sehun retorted stiffly and didn’t even try to pretend that it was okay that his coffee was slightly altered. He pushed the mug away and stood up to order himself a new cup.
-
“This is the most disgusting thing!” Zitao made a face as he took a sip from Sehun’s mug. He made a very ugly face that Sehun couldn’t help but slap his face playfully. “What is in this thing?”
“Milk and cinnamon,’ Sehun told him with an eye roll. “They’re the best things to ever happen to coffee.” He stared at Zitao’s own mug and made an ugly face of his own. “Unlike that.”
“This, my dear Sehunnie, is real coffee,” Zitao declared, putting an arm around Sehun. “Dark and black.” He took a gulp just to annoy Sehun and acted like it was the most refreshing drink he’s ever tasted. “Delicious!”
“You’re disgusting!” Sehun pushed him away and stood up, sand immediately getting in between his toes. “There’s no way I’m kissing you now.”
“Wanna bet?” Zitao laughed as he started running after him.
Sehun let out a very unmanly squeal and rushed down the long stretch of the beach in only his board shorts. He glanced behind him and saw Zitao resolutely coming after him, a big mischievous grin on his face and Sehun couldn’t help but think about how Zitao would catch up with him and they’d roll down the beach and exchange a few kisses. Like they always did. Because he made sure that Zitao caught up with him. All the time. He glanced back once again and was surprised to find no one running after him.
Sehun stopped and turned around, confused. He frowned and the splashing of the waves on the shore pulled his attention, making him face it.
Zitao was floating in the water. Dead.
-
Smoke wafted in the night air, mixing in with the fog that was all over the city. It made the lights from the buildings and the vehicles moving to and fro hazy, almost like everything was in a dreamy state. Sehun took another drag of his cigarette, inhaled, and then exhaled, enjoying how it forms into a small cloud in front of him and dissipates into the air.
“I still can’t believe you’re smoking,” Jongin slid down onto the empty step beside him and watched as Sehun took out the pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered it to him. Jongin took a stick out and lit it with the lighter that Sehun handed him next. He took a drag and stared at the stick in between his fingers. “This is going to kill us someday.”
“We’re all going to die anyway,” Sehun muttered.
“So what was it this time?” Jongin asked after a moment, which he always did.
“Still the beach,” Sehun answered, taking an especially long drag. He closed his eyes as he felt the nicotine invade his lungs, making him feel lightheaded. “Always the beach.”
Sehun always dreamt about the beach and Zitao leaving him. It was a constant torture, that gnawed at him and his heart little by little, as if it wanted nothing of him left. It was more or less always the same dream. They would be at the beach, having fun, and then Zitao disappears, and every time he woke up from them, it always felt like his heart was being grinded into pieces.
It was funny how the dreams recreated reality. Zitao loved the beach, always making a point to drag Sehun there every summer. Zitao was the type to enjoy the sand stuck in his toes, the sun beating down his back, and the saltiness of the sea in his mouth. Zitao referred to the beach as paradise.
But paradise killed Zitao.
-
Sehun was in the middle of doing rounds, coming out from one of the rooms to check the patient’s progress, when Chanyeol came into step beside him, practically bouncing on his heels. Sehun didn’t bother asking what’s making him so happy because he’s pretty sure that Chanyeol was going to tell him anyway.
“There’s a big ass surgery later this afternoon,” Chanyeol shared as Sehun expected. “Cancer patient, big tumor, just came in this morning. They’re looking for junior residents to help out.” He swipes his big hand through his hair and grins at him. “Jongin’s already cooing to Joonmyun to let him help out.”
Sehun smirked. “As if Joonmyun’s going to give in,” he said. Joonmyun was a stickler for rules and etiquette. He thought that even if Jongin groveled with a round trip to Paris, Joonmyun still wouldn’t give in because Joonmyun took his job and took fairness seriously.
“He would for you,” Chanyeol told him seriously. “I think it’s time-.”
“That’s not your decision,” Sehun interrupted him sharply.
“You’re right, it’s not. But you’re a surgeon. Doing rounds can’t be all that interesting,” Chanyeol argued. “That’s all you’ve been doing since-.”
“I’m not interested,” Sehun snapped and turned a corner, leaving a frustrated-looking Chanyeol.
-
Sehun pulled his black winter coat tighter around his body and made sure that his wool scarf was secure around his neck. He put his hands snug inside his jacket, watching as white puffs of air formed in front of his face with every exhale he did. The snow crunched under his feet with every step and Sehun couldn’t help but think about how much he’d grown to enjoy winter. He liked each step of his became embedded in the snow, only to be washed away by more snow, and how his skin tingled with the cold every time the wind blew. Very few people he knew enjoyed winter and how cold it always got, but Sehun loved it. It made him numb.
He pushed the door of the convenience store open, the bell tinkling, and stomped his feet off of snow on the rug. It was warm inside, probably because of how high the heaters were set. Minseok, the owner of the store, always had the temperature up, even during the summer.
Sehun made his way through the aisles, nodding in greeting to Minseok, who was restocking the cigarettes on the shelf behind the counter. Sehun’s eyes scanned the instant food packets, wondering what he should get for the night.
“This one’s good,” a voice piped up behind him and he turned around to see that it was Lu Han. He was holding a box of frozen kimbap. “I’ve tried it before and when you heat it far enough, it tastes like the real thing.”
Sehun looked torn for a second, in between annoyance at him sneaking up behind him and some sort of amusement at the fact that he was offering him food choices. “Frozen food is not fake food,” he finally settled, although his statement sounded more like a question.
Lu Han laughed and wrinkled his nose as he looked at the kimbap in his hands. “You’re right,” he agreed and shrugged. “Still, it is good. Do you want to try it?”
Sehun decided on the ramyun he always ate for dinner and held it up for Lu Han to see. “I’m good,” he told him and walked over to the counter.
Lu Han followed after him. Sehun watched at the corner of his eye as Lu Han mulled over the candy choices displayed on the counter, like a child startled into indecision. Sehun couldn’t help but think that, despite Lu Han being four years older than him, sometimes Sehun thought that Lu Han was much younger than he was.
“I didn’t see you during the big operation yesterday,” Lu Han suddenly spoke, eyes still on the candies.
Sehun shifted uncomfortably in his stance, not really sure why Lu Han was getting him into conversation. After that coffee treat turned into something that Sehun thought was a disaster, they barely spoke anymore, merely acknowledging each other in the hospital hallways when they did get to come across each other.
“Not my thing,” Sehun quipped.
Lu Han looked at him at this, bangs half-covering his eyes. “But you’re a surgeon,” he stated, a confused lilt to his voice.
Sehun merely shrugged and really hoped that Lu Han would drop the subject. He felt relieved when Lu Han let out a happy squeal and finally deciding on a push pop instead of a normal lollipop.
“Well I’m off,” Sehun politely told him, turning to leave.
“Oh,” Lu Han said, grabbing one of the boxes of frozen kimbap that he had and pushing it into Sehun’s hands. “You should take this.” When Sehun frowned at him, he chuckled, “I really want you to try it.”
Sehun wordlessly took the kimbap, thinking about how weird Lu Han was, and left the store, the door tinkling again.
Midway to his apartment, he reached down for the kimbap from Lu Han in his paper bag containing one ramyun purchase and threw it into the nearest trashcan.
-
The sun was setting and the bonfire complemented the darkening sky beautifully. The reds, yellows and blues of the fire made everything feel like the surroundings were aglow, matching the red and purple hues of the sky.
Sehun was seated right beside Zitao, who was roasting marshmallows. There were opened packets of marshmallows at their feet, accompanied by a bag of barbeque sticks. Zitao thought it was the perfect time to make s’mores.
Sehun licked at the marshmallow that got stuck to the corner of his lip, refusing to get his fingers sticky to take it off. Zitao chuckled when he noticed what he was trying to do.
“Need help?” Zitao asked, eyes on Sehun’s lips. Without waiting for a response, Zitao leaned forward and licked the marshmallow off and pressed a kiss on his lips afterwards. “Yum,” he hummed.
“Flirt,” Sehun muttered.
Zitao laughed and gave him another kiss, this time in a much slower manner, in a much sweeter way that took Sehun’s breath away.
“You know I love you right, Sehun?” Zitao asked softly as he pulled away. Sehun kept his eyes closed as he smiled and nodded. “I hope you can love yourself the way that I did.”
Sehun opened his eyes to say some confused comment, but Zitao was gone.
-
Sehun hated change. All of his life he learned how to do things a certain way, knew how to do things with a certain someone, and when all of that was taken away from him, he decided that he wasn’t going to let anything or anyone else do the same thing again. So when Lu Han swooped into his life with his honey blond hair and bright smiles, armed with kimbap and milk and cinnamon coffee, he couldn’t help but retaliate.
“I think I clearly remember telling you that I hated milk and cinnamon in my coffee,” Sehun’s distinct sour voice carried over the other conversations in the locker room that Jongin and Chanyeol looked up in interest.
Lu Han bit his lip, frowning for a second, before his face brightened up with another smile. “I always forget,” he chuckled. “But you looked like you could use some coffee so…”
“I don’t need milk and cinnamon in mine,” Sehun retorted tiredly.
Lu Han had been buying him his special coffee everyday for the past month, also sneaking in things like kimbap and jajangmyun or candies inside his bag, He felt like no matter what he said, not matter how spiteful, Lu Han was just going to do it again. The thought really irritated Sehun to no end.
“You can throw it away,” Lu Han finally said, his lips in a straight line, and he left the locker room without fanfare.
Sehun glared at his back and at the door once it had closed then moved towards the nearest trashcan. Before he could drop the cup of coffee, however, Jongin grabbed it and thrust it back into his hands.
“You’re not going to die if you accept his friendship, you know,” Jongin glowered at him.
“People die everyday,” Sehun defiantly responded. “We work in a hospital. You should know this better than anyone.”
“It’s just a cup of coffee,” Jongin insisted. “Why is it so hard for you to let people in?”
“I’ll throw this outside then,” Sehun stated stubbornly.
He ignored how Jongin hard turned away from him like it was Jongin’s coffee that he’d refused and left the locker room, his bag over his shoulder. He didn’t have time to let people in. People always left anyway. What was the point of making one’s self go through the misery when they did leave?
He was halfway through the hospital lobby when he heard Chanyeol catching up to him. Chanyeol had his backpack hanging on both his shoulders, out of his scrub suit and wearing glasses.
“You’re wearing glasses,” Sehun did a double take.
Chanyeol gave him a look. “I’ve been wearing them for a year, Sehun,” he said, and Sehun merely shrugged. He didn’t really care. It was just an observation. “So… Jongin and I are going to eat dinner out tonight, instead of buying from the convenience store. Want to come with?”
“I’ll pass,” Sehun told him without even thinking about it.
“C’mon, Sehun,” Chanyeol seemed unfazed. “Hang out with us. It’s been a while. Joonmyun’s coming, too.”
Sehun shook his head again. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” he said, and made his way out of the hospital and into the cold, dark winter night, not noticing that he was still holding onto the coffee from Lu Han.
-
Sehun was on the beach again. He was walking by the shore, the water touching his feet, his hands in his pockets. As he walked, he looked down at his feet as they sank on the sand, burying them deep before lifting them up and taking a step. He really liked how the sand felt on and under his feet.
Zitao nudged his arm and Sehun looked up, following his outstretched arm to where it was pointing in the distance. “Look,” Zitao directed.
Sehun followed his line of sight to the distance and saw honey blond hair, bright eyes and pink lips.
-
The next morning, there was coffee waiting for Sehun at the nurses’ station. He didn’t have to ask to know where whom it’s from, if only for the knowing smiles that the nurses shoot at him. He brought the coffee closer to his nose and frowned. He made his way down the hallway and to the next counter, where a couple of other doctors were hanging out.
“You gave me the wrong coffee,” Sehun told Lu Han, not even bothering to wait for him to finish talking Yixing, one of the hospital’s internists. He patiently waited as Yixing moved away from Lu Han to go over to talk to Jongin and Chanyeol instead. “Did you forget?”
Lu Han looked at the coffee then at Sehun, brows a bit furrowed. “Sehun, that’s the way you take your coffee,” he reminded him. “Black and boring,” he added, a smile trying to sneak its way to his lips.
“But you’ve never gotten that for me. You always give me the one with milk and cinnamon,” Sehun prompted. He looked straight at Lu Han, ignoring everyone else who seemed to be listening into their conversation.
“I don’t see the problem since you always just throw it away,” Lu Han said, and there was a flash of hurt in his eyes that confused Sehun.
Sehun paused for a second, slightly unsure on what to say, before settling on, “Not always.” He placed the cup of black coffee into Lu Han’s hands and added, “Next time, don’t forget.”
Sehun walked away, hands in the pockets of his white coat, wondering what had just transpired. He was about to turn a corner when there were frantic footsteps coming after him. He stopped and found Lu Han hurrying over, still with the coffee in his hands.
“I don’t-,” Sehun started to speak.
“Here,” Lu Han told him, handing him the coffee. He gave him a small smile and walked away.
Sehun could smell the cinnamon.
-
It was much easier to give in right after that. Sehun soon found himself hanging out with Lu Han more, and even with Jongin and Chanyeol, too. It still didn’t happen as often because Sehun was stubborn and liked to stick to his routine.
Sehun had just picked his ramyun packet off the shelf, along with a sachet of toothpaste, when the door chimes tinkled and Lu Han walked in.
“Hey,” Lu Han greeted him, sounding breathless. He dusted snow off his bonnet and beamed at him, nose and cheeks pink. “What are you getting?”
Sehun felt sheepish and, therefore, looked sheepish as he held up his favorite packet of ramyun. Lu Han chuckled and Sehun felt even more embarrassed.
Lu Han walked through the aisles, taking several things, before dumping them all on the counter. Sehun could see two boxes of kimbap, a cup of instant jajangmyun, and two bottles of water.
“Why do you have so much?” Sehun asked after he’d paid as well.
Lu Han chuckled. “I was going to ask you to eat with me, actually,” he confessed.
“What, here?” Sehun asked, surprised.
Lu Han nodded. Sehun looked around and saw that there were tables and chairs on one side of the store. He frowned and wondered how it was that he’d been buying ramyun in that store for two years and he hadn’t noticed. Sehun turned to give Minseok a questioning look and Minseok just chuckled back at him.
Sehun sat down from across Lu Han’s seat and patiently waited as Lu Han got everything ready. He offered to help out, but Lu Han insisted that he just take his seat and let him do everything.
Once everything was ready, Lu Han finally sat down and they started to eat. Sehun couldn’t help but observe how Lu Han seemed so happy eating kimbap and jajangmyun at such a dingy place.
“Do you always eat here?” Sehun asked, putting a piece of kimbap in his mouth.
“I do,” Lu Han nodded, “before I go home. I’m too lazy to call for take-out and almost always end up not ordering and, therefore, starving when I don’t stop by here.”
“So in all the times we’ve bumped into each other here, you’ve always stayed behind to eat?” Sehun asked in disbelief.
“Yes,” Lu Han confirmed with a laugh. He dipped his chopsticks in the jajangmyun cup and took a couple of noodles to put onto Sehun’s plate.
“Why have I never seen you?” Sehun blurted out, a bit miffed that he seemed to miss out on a lot of things.
“I’m sure you just have a lot on your mind,” Lu Han waved it off dismissively. The way Lu Han said it just made Sehun feel more annoyed.
Sehun had prided himself in being observant, seeing details that no one else saw. It was that trait that made him want to get into medical school, to get into medicine. He liked how there were so many minute things that encompassed the human body and in curing a person that he couldn’t wait but want to know them all. But this, the thought that he hadn’t been paying enough attention, starting from Chanyeol wearing glasses and Jongin dating the nurse named Krystal, or the way Lu Han always seemed like he was going to burst with smiles and laughter, suddenly made him feel out of touch, with the world and with himself.
“Would you mind if I joined you every time you do?” Sehun found himself asking, surprising both himself and Lu Han.
Lu Han’s face split into a smile. “You’re welcome to,” he agreed.
-
The days, weeks and months blended into each other that Sehun didn’t really notice how the snow was slowly melting, the trees becoming green and the flowers blooming again. The cold was gone, replaced by cool winds and the cheerful rays of the sun. Spring had come.
“Doctor,” the little girl wrapped her small fingers around his two fingers and tugged gently, “is my mommy going to be okay?”
Sehun crouched down and placed his hands on the little girl’s shoulders. “Your mommy is fine,” he assured her. “Doctor Kim has made sure of that,” he said, glancing up at where Joonmyun was standing by the door, smiling.
“Okay that’s good,” the little girl said, smiling widely before lunging towards Sehun to give him a hug. “I’m glad. I don’t like mommy being sick.”
Sehun patted the girl’s head before pulling away and standing up. He nodded towards the patient, a woman in her mid-thirties, coming out from a successful operation by Joonmyun, before slipping through the door, followed by Joonmyun.
“I’m impressed,” Joonmyun commented.
“With what?” Sehun demanded, eyes on the folder in his hand with the patients that he had to visit that day.
“That the little girl didn’t come running away from you,” Joonmyun stated. “They’d normally be cowering behind their parents’ and-,”
“They do not,” Sehun countered fiercely.
“Now they don’t,” Joonmyun gave in just a little. He smiled like he was very pleased at this development. His beeper alarm sounded and he took it out of his pocket. “Lu Han’s has a surgery in 30 minutes,” he then told Sehun. “Join him.”
Sehun froze and stopped walking. “What?” His tongue felt numb.
Joonmyun stared at him. “Lu Han has a surgery and he needs help,” he repeated like he wasn’t sure why he was repeating things. “Go and help him.”
“You’re making me…” Sehun tried to reason. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to, but it had been a while since he had joined in on a surgery.
“I’m making Jongin do labs due to that screw up he pulled and Chanyeol’s in double heart bypass with Kyungsoo,” Joonmyun relayed. He raised his eyebrows when Sehun just stood there as if he was waiting for something else. “You can go now,” he added.
“Okay,” Sehun started and went on his way.
-
An arm slung over him and if Sehun hadn’t been so used to it, it would have startled him. Jongin chuckled to his ear and squeezed him tightly. “I heard about your successful operation,” he said.
“It wasn’t my operation,” Sehun stated.
“Of course,” Jongin laughed. “Want to go get some drinks? Joonmyun’s treat.”
Sehun rolled his eyes because as much as Joonmyun was rich, being an attending physician and all, he was also the stingiest person he knew. The probability that Joonmyun was treating them was even lower than Jongin being the one to do so.
“I can’t,” Sehun said, shaking his head as he thought about his regular dinner time with Lu Han at the convenience store.
“Aww you always suck,” Jongin grumbled, but it was halfhearted. “See you tomorrow then.”
Jongin left the locker room and sped away like a child. Sehun opened his locker and placed in his neatly folded scrubs suit inside his bag, making a note to wash it as soon as he got home. He zipped his bag up and pulled it out of his locker, carrying it over one shoulder. As he was closing his locker, Lu Han poked his head in the room.
“Ready?” he asked.
They made their way down to the lobby in silence, Sehun was lost in his thoughts as he admired how the clean and polished the marble floors of the hospital were. It was so different with how Zitao used to describe the floors in their law firm, which he always said were covered in dirty carpet and a stack of papers.
“I heard Joonmyun making plans with Chanyeol and Jongin earlier,” Lu Han spoke as they reached the lobby.
“Yeah,” Sehun said. “Jongin asked me to come earlier.”
“Don’t you want to?” Lu Han asked.
“Do you want to?” Sehun countered.
Lu Han laughed, a pink blush spreading over his cheeks. “Well, something new is always nice,” he said, slightly lifting his left shoulder.
When they reached the lobby, they found Jongin, Chanyeol and Joonmyun just about to leave. Sehun jogged up to them.
“Look who it is!” Chanyeol teased. “Are you finally coming with us?”
“Yeah,” Sehun said and he almost wanted to laugh at Jongin’s shocked expression. He reached behind him and put an arm around Lu Han. “I hope you guys don’t mind if Lu Han joins us.”
“The more the merrier!” Jongin cheered after he’d gotten over his shock.
Sehun met Joonmyun’s eyes as they all walked out of the lobby. Joonmyun’s eyes widened a little when Sehun gave him a small smile.
-
Sehun entered the operating room, hands in front of him, having just washed them. He pulled the mask up to cover his mouth as he moved towards the operating table, where a dark-haired male in his late 20’s lay, suffering from a thyroid disorder. As the nurse handed him the scalpel under his request, he glanced up at the area above the room, where doctors could watch. Joonmyun was there. Sehun nodded and began.
It was Sehun’s first operation by himself in two years. He had been one of the best and most promising doctors to have come out from his batch and he became highly regarded by the other attendings when he decided to practice in Seoul Hospital. It was the nearest hospital to where Zitao’s law firm was. It was just luck that it was a reputable hospital, too. But Sehun didn’t really care about that. He hadn’t wanted to become a doctor just to make himself rich.
The operation was going fine, Sehun going through the cutting and curing without any hitches. He even had music playing in the room because he found that it relaxed him, as well as the nurses. He was even joking around with some of them as he worked. It was a simple operation, pretty much routine for any doctor.
Until something started going wrong. The patient’s vital signs started dropping and Sehun started to panic. He glanced up and saw that Joonmyun had pushed himself off the wall, where he’d been relaxed against, attentively watching him.
Sehun did everything by the book, going through all the procedures to stabilize the patient, but nothing was working.
And, suddenly, Sehun had flashes of another dark-haired male on the operating table, there was a lot of beeping, signs of things not going well, and Sehun saw himself panicking and doing everything he could to improve his condition, trying to revive him even when his heart stopped and the long beep of a flatline echoed in his ears.
The patient died.
Sehun ran out of the operating room. He wasn’t sure where he was running to, but he found himself in the bathroom, hunched over a toilet bowl, spewing out the contents of his stomach. There were tears flowing down his cheeks, tears he couldn’t stop, until he was crowing in the corner of the stall, sobbing on his knees.
A while later, the bathroom stall opened and he felt arms wrap around him, and instead of Sehun crying on his knees, he was now crying on a warm chest with comforting hands rubbing up and down his back.
“I killed him,” Sehun sobbed brokenly. “I killed him.”
“Of course you didn’t,” Lu Han sharply retorted. “It was a complicated procedure and the patient had a weak heart.”
“No, you don’t understand,” Sehun pulled away as he shook his head. He looked into Lu Han’s eyes. “I killed him. I killed Zitao.”
Lu Han’s hands on his back stilled.
-
Joonmyun clasped his hands together as Sehun entered his office. Sehun took a seat on one of the chairs in front of the desk and stared at his hands placed primly on his lap. He knew what this conversation was going to be about, had seen it coming from a mile away. It was even surprising that Joonmyun was only talking to him now and not a couple of months ago when he should already have.
“Sehun, look at me,” Joonmyun began quietly.
Sehun slowly lifted his gaze to meet Joonmyun’s and Sehun found himself fighting back tears as he did because he knew that Joonmyun knew.
“I’m sorry,” Sehun repeated as he looked down on his lap again.
“Sehun, look at me,” and this time Joonmyun’s tone was sharp and commanding. Sehun obeyed. “That man dying wasn’t your fault. Operations have complications and we always try our best to save lives, but we can’t always do so. We’re not god.”
Sehun shook his head. “Still, I could have-.”
“You did everything you could,” Joonmyun interrupted him harshly. “I was there. I saw you do everything. It wasn’t your fault,” he repeated slowly just to drill it in his head.
“But Zitao-,” Sehun started to say and Joonmyun slapped his hand loudly on his desk, making Sehun jump.
“We’re not talking about Zitao here!” Joonmyun practically bellowed. He closed his eyes as Sehun cowered, trying to calm himself down. “Sehun,” he sighed, looking concerned. “I don’t know how many times I need to tell you this, but Zitao was very sick and you did all you could, but there wasn’t much to be done.”
“If he had just told me, if he’d just-,” Sehun began.
“But he didn’t,” Joonmyun told him patiently. “He didn’t and he had to die. But it wasn’t in yours hands. It wasn’t because of you.”
“I was the one in the operating room,” Sehun choked back a sob.
Joonmyun got up from his seat behind the desk and joined him in front, taking a seat across him. “Sehun, please,” he whispered, reaching for both of Sehun’s hands and squeezing them. “Please stop doing this to yourself.”
Sehun took a deep breath and pushed back thoughts of Zitao being sickly and coughing up blood in the back of his mind. He took a deep breath and looked at Joonmyun again through glassy eyes.
“Am I suspended?” Sehun bravely asked.
“No,” Joonmyun shook his head.
Sehun nodded and stood up. It wasn’t enough punishment to be suspended. He should be dead instead.
-
“Hey,” Lu Han slowly reached out to clasp Sehun’s hand in his. Sehun stilled for a second before taking his hand and grabbing his backpack from his locker.
“I won’t be able to walk home with you tonight,” Sehun stiffly stated as he closed his locker shut. He decidedly avoided Lu Han’s gaze because he knew that what he would see would only make him feel guilty, and he was tired of being guilty.
He had been avoiding Lu Han since he’d comforted him in the bathroom stall, which was not that easy to do since being doctors in the same hospital required a lot of interaction, but he managed to do it. Because being with Lu Han made him feel so many things, things that he never really fully understood in the past and still didn’t understand now. Although now, it seemed more confusing than ever because Zitao was still in his head and in his heart. Zitao was the love of his life and he could never be replaced. He didn’t want to replace him.
“What did I do, Sehun?” Lu Han asked pleadingly, just like he did every night. Lu Han only barely caught him just before he left for the day and each time Sehun would just shake his head and walk away.
Sehun shifted the position of his bag higher on his shoulder and walked out of the locker room. Lu Han quietly followed on his heels. Sehun could hear the movements that were things he’d come to recognize in the time they’d spent together; the way Lu Han ran his hand through his hair when he was worried, the way he bit his lip, the light shuffle of his feet on the marble floor, the way he shook his hands nervously. It was driving Sehun crazy. So he stopped in his tracks and faced him.
“Stop following me,” Sehun bitingly directed.
“I don’t know what I did to make you so angry at me like this,” Lu Han blinked at him and Sehun made the mistake of looking at him when he did so.
“I’m not… It’s not…” Sehun tried to formulate sentences that would explain how he felt, but with Lu Han looking so dejected, he suddenly felt like he couldn’t bear to hurt him further. “What do you want?” he asked instead.
“I…” Lu Han hesitated. “I prepared some food for you in my apartment. Would be a nice change from microwave food, don’t you think?” There was a hopeful lilt in his tone and one that Sehun couldn’t reject.
As they entered Lu Han’s apartment, Sehun couldn’t help but notice how sparsely decorated it was. There were boxes in one corner of the living room and Sehun wondered if Lu Han had packed his stuff back in or if he never just bothered to unpack at all. He stood in the middle of the apartment, stiff and not wanting to touch or even really look at anything.
Shortly after, they were seated across each other in Lu Han’s small dining table, adorned with steaming bibimbap, japchae, and kimchi soup. Sehun tried hard not to enjoy himself, but it had been so long since he’d had homemade food, too long. He leaned back on his seat as Lu Han continued to eat, animatedly telling him stories like the hadn’t been ignoring him for days.
Sometimes Sehun wondered who Lu Han really was. He was just starting to realize that, while Lu Han may now know the intimate and dark details of his life, he knew nothing about Lu Han. He wasn’t even sure what his doctoral specialty was and that was the most basic of all information in a doctor. He suddenly looked up, coming out of his reverie, startled to find Lu Han standing beside him.
“Come,” Lu Han quietly urged him as he tugged him towards the bedroom.
As Lu Han started to strip away his clothes, Sehun watched him with an indescribable emotion, blurting out before he could stop himself, “I don’t even know you.”
Lu Han returned his gaze with something akin to desperation. He traced Sehun’s arm with one hand before clasping Sehun’s hand and pressing it to his heart. “Then get to know me,” he whispered.
-
There was sand in his mouth. Sehun coughed as he sat up, trying to spit out the coarse earth that had managed to make its way to his mouth because of rolling around in the beach. Zitao sat up beside him, laughing at the way Sehun kept on making ugly faces in the process.
“I hate the beach,” Sehun grumbled as they trudged back to where their things were under a big yellow umbrella. He grabbed a bottle of water and gargled.
Zitao’s eyes were soft on him. “I know you do,” he said, a small smile on his lips. “You’ve always hated the beach.”
Sehun stilled his movements and his sharp gaze bore into Zitao. “I love you,” he said as if that explained everything.
Zitao sighed and pulled Sehun to sit down back on the sand beside him. “Sometimes… sometimes, just loving me isn’t enough, Sehun,” he quietly told him. He was looking somewhere far away, on the beach, but maybe even farther than that. “There will come a time when just loving me won’t be enough.”
Sehun frowned and reached for his hand, interlacing their fingers together. “What are you talking about?” he demanded. “Loving you will always be enough.”
Zitao gently smiled and touched Sehun’s chin to make him face him. “There’s more to the world than me, Sehun,” he elaborated. “There are so many other things, other people out there in the world. I’m not the only thing you can love.”
“Zitao, I don’t-“
“Besides, you killed me, Sehun,” Zitao interrupted, tone and disposition unchanging. There was still a smile on his lips and the way he looked at him was still lovingly. “How can you say you love me when you killed me? You killed me, Sehun. You killed me.”
Sehun sat up, a piercing and shuddering cry escaping his lips. He breathed in and out, in and out, in and out, but he still couldn’t shake the trembling in his limbs. He could still see the way Zitao told him quite simply that he killed him. Sehun was responsible for Zitao’s death. Sehun was Zitao’s paradise and paradise killed Zitao.
He buried his face into his hands as he burst into loud, halting sobs. He hadn’t had a dream about Zitao in a long time, hadn’t felt the loss in quite a while. But now that he had dreamt again, it was in such a vividly horrifying way that he wasn’t sure how to move on from it. How could he believe that he really didn’t kill Zitao when Zitao himself said it?
“Are you okay?” Lu Han wrapped an arm around his sweaty torso, making Sehun remember just then that he had stayed over at Lu Han’s apartment, stayed over and-
Sehun scrambled off the bed and away from Lu Han’s touch as if burned. He moved about the room, hastily collecting his clothing and putting them on. Lu Han got up and dressed up as well, worriedly watching Sehun stuff his phone and wallet into his pockets and head for the door.
“Where are you going?” Lu Han demanded. “Are you just going to leave me like this?”
Sehun turned to his sharply. “I do not have to give an answer to that question,” he slowly and calculatingly stated. “Whatever this…” He gestured around the bedroom. “…is, it means nothing.”
Lu Han took a step back, clearly hurt. “But you said-“
“Whatever I told you last night was a lie!” Sehun snapped. He ran a hand through his already-messy hair. “I am not yours! I will never be yours! I am Zitao’s. I love Zitao and I will always love him.”
“Zitao is dead, Sehun,” Lu Han icily declared. “There’s more to life than Zitao!”
Sehun lunged at him and hit Lu Han before he could stop himself. Lu Han fell back on the bed, a hand gingerly touching his bruising cheek. Sehun stood there, shocked at what he’d done. He looked like he wanted to attend to Lu Han, but, at the same time, wasn’t really sure how to.
“There will never be more than Zitao. There will never be anyone who--,” Sehun yelled.
“So, what, you’re just going to live your life in the pretence that Zitao is going to come back?” Lu Han retorted. “He’s not going to come back, Sehun. You should know that by now and start living your life.”
Sehun shook his head. “There is no life without him. This, this so-called life,” he gestured violently around the room, “is nothing! Nothing!”
“Well it’s the only one you have so I guess you better start making it into something,” Lu Han snapped, clearly frustrated. He stood up but didn’t make a move towards him. “You’re a doctor, Sehun, you should know this of all people.”
“I watch people die everyday,” Sehun blandly responded.
Lu Han’s eyes widened and shook his head, his eyes turning glassy. “No. No, you give people second chances everyday, Sehun. That’s what a doctor does, that’s what we try to do,” he desperately explained.
Sehun quieted down at this. The lump in his throat seemed to thicken and he wanted nothing more than to lash out at Lu Han, at the world. In the end, he just turned around and headed for the door, goodbye at the tip of his tongue.
-
Sehun didn’t apologize to Lu Han, almost sure that Lu Han would just come up to him when they see each other in the hallway and initiate the reconciliation because it’s what Lu Han did, and it was how Lu Han was. But Sehun never saw Lu Han in the hospital after that day, or in the days or weeks that followed.
He never bothered asking anyone about it because he had pushed Lu Han away, had always been pushing Lu Han away. From the coffee, to the kimbap, to all the other life lessons Lu Han had slowly been ingraining in him, Sehun never really accepted them, never really accepted him. He chose to keep him at arm’s length, the way he’d always done ever since Zitao.
He inhaled a thick block of smoke, enjoying the way it filled his lungs. He closed his eyes, slightly tilting his head back, reveling at the feeling of his emptiness being temporarily filled up with even more emptiness.
“Lu Han’s…,” Jongin started to speak through the swirling smoke around them.
Sehun kept his eyes closed and tuned him out. Lu Han was still a sore subject for him, one that he’d tried over and over to bury underneath the huge mess that was his heart. He knew what he should do, knew that it was something he had to do, but ignored it anyway. He didn’t think he was ready. He wasn’t sure whether he’d ever be ready.
Sehun opened his eyes and took another drag of his smoke.
-
Spring passed without much fanfare. Sehun didn’t care much for spring. It was a season he normally just let fade back because he was always looking forward to summer. Or Zitao was always looking forward to summer and he just did the same. He took a deep breath and turned around, watching as his friends scrambled everywhere.
Chanyeol, stopping in the middle of stuffing another pair of board shorts in his already-full bag, turned to him. “Are you sure you don’t want to come with us?” he asked again.
“Chanyeol, stop forcing him,” Jongin berated him as he crossed the living room to grab the pair of goggles he had placed on the mantle earlier. Chanyeol pouted at being told off.
Joonmyun stood beside Sehun, taking a deep breath. “You’ve always loved the beach,” he quietly reminded him, hoping that he would come with them. It had been so long, too long, since Sehun did anything out of his routine life. There had been sparks of hope when Lu Han wedged himself into Sehun’s life, but Lu Han was gone and Sehun had reverted back even further into his shell.
“No, Zitao’s always loved the beach,” Sehun corrected him, swallowing. He blew out a breath. “I don’t even really know if I like it.”
“Well, don’t you think it’s time that you find out whether you do?” Joonmyun asked.
-
Sehun stood at the edge of the beach, the water teasing the tips of his toes as he contemplated whether to go for a walk or not. The sun was shining brightly in the sky, its beams slathering itself on Sehun’s face and arms. Taking a deep breath, he looked up and saw a memorable someone with honey blond hair, bright eyes and pink lips walking along the shore, feet submerged into the waters.
Unmoving, he waited with bated breath for those wide doe eyes to see him. When it did, Sehun moved his feet, slowly, one step at a time.
The water was cool on his feet and Sehun decided that he might just come to actually like the beach, even a little.
Author's Note:
I don't think this is angsty enough, honestly. EXO fluff has seriously ruined me and all my angsty feelsBut I hope this is still readable and that it isn't confusing, though. There was a moment where I thought of scrapping the whole thing because, well, that's how I am. LOL. If you have questions, let me know? Comments are very welcome. :)
I want to thank Chrys for all the beta work, Flora for all her smut because it makes me laugh haha, to Annie and Maia for help with the summary (because I suck at it) and to Irisy, and my tlist, for the support. <3