When Chances Fade [Baekhyun/Chanyeol]
When Chances Fade
EXO | Baekhyun/Chanyeol | PG | 2010w
Romance, Angst, Post-disbandment
This is when Baekhyun makes the biggest mistake of his life.
When Chances Fade
The moment they touch down in China, Chanyeol doesn't get a moment alone with Baekhyun. He tries to make his way beside him, weeding in and out between the other members, but Baekhyun manages to slip away just when he's about to clamp his hand on his wrist. Instead, Baekhyun latches himself onto Lu Han's side with Lu Han winding his arm around Baekhyun's waist and never letting go.
Chanyeol tries and tries the whole time they're in China. In between performances and rehearsals and shows, he always makes it a point to seek Baekhyun out and stand beside him. But Baekhyun turns and leaves and never even looks at him. Baekhyun finds Lu Han and weaves his fingers with his.
Chanyeol turns the other way and finds Kris, sees Kris.
This is when Chanyeol finally agrees to go on that hot pot dinner with Kris.
This is when Baekhyun makes the biggest mistake of his life.
-
"You're really not going to ask me how they're doing, what they're up to?" Lu Han nudges Baekhyun out of his reverie.
Baekhyun shakes his head because no, he'd rather not know what the deal is with Chanyeol and Kris after all these years, after all the time he's tried to forget Chanyeol even after EXO was EXO no more. It's always been a futile attempt because Chanyeol is so bright even when he isn't actually around him. He can always see his smiles and the lights in his eyes and his deep laughter always resonates in him. But that doesn't mean Baekhyun can't try. He's been trying for years and years to stop thinking about him. He wonders when he'll stop and just not thinking about him.
"I think you should," Lu Han insists. "Because it's better that you find out now, from me, before--"
"Did you hear!" Jongdae suddenly comes sitting down at the table where Lu Han was desperately trying to talk to Baekhyun in private. "Chanyeol and Kris are engaged!"
Lu Han's eyes immediately shift to Baekhyun, who violently coughs in shock. "What?" he weakly asks.
Jongdae nods vigorously and ignorantly. "Chanyeol asked Kris last week and he said yes!"
"Chanyeol asked him?" Baekhyun dumbly repeats.
Jongdae beams and pats Baekhyun on the back. "Weird how things work out, huh? No one would have ever thought of Kris and Chanyeol ending up together back when we were still an active group. Everyone thought that it would be you Chanyeol would end up with. Chanyeol was always attached to you, you know." He winks and leaves the table to chat Yixing up, probably to share the same news.
"Baekhyun," Lu Han reaches out for his arm as Baekhyun stands up to leave when the room quiets.
There's another beat of silence as Chanyeol and Kris enter the room, hand-in-hand, before chaos erupts, lead by Jongdae, who is almost always too excited for his own good. Everyone gathers around the newly engaged couple and Baekhyun feels everything shift around him. He sits back down and closes his eyes, kneading his forehead with his hand.
"I'm sorry," Lu Han, ever his best friend and go-to person, quietly says, a hand on his back. "I'm so sorry, Baekhyun."
This must be what it's like when your whole world crumbles around you. It's soundless and everything moves in slow motion, the colors of things blending in together, all hazy. But there's pain that you're not sure where it's coming from, and you feel it in every bit of your body.
Baekhyun stands because he’d rather be anywhere else than here, rather be alone than be surrounded by people who-
“Hi.”
Baekhyun looks up and blinks. Chanyeol’s voice is like it had always been, deep, a bit rough, but there’s still that tone that Baekhyun knows is only there when Chanyeol talks to him. It reminds him of all those nights they spent lying on his bed, looking at the glow in the dark stars and planets that Chanyeol had taped on their ceiling. Back then Baekhyun thought it was like counting down to their futures. Who would have thought that they’d end up like this?
“Hi,” Baekhyun’s voice is hoarse and he clears his throat, barely noticing Lu Han slip away. “Hi,” he repeats and this time he says it more firmly.
“How are you?” Chanyeol asks and there’s sadness in his eyes.
He and Chanyeol hadn’t seen each other since the group officially disbanded. Baekhyun had decided to leave the company, go back home, finish university, help out with his family, before actually deciding to come back to a career he wasn’t sure he still had. Chanyeol had stayed, along with other members of the group, and with Kris.
“I’ve been good,” Baekhyun lies, because Chanyeol doesn’t need to know how much Baekhyun had cried on Lu Han’s shoulder throughout the years, how he broke and has always been broken the moment he found out that Chanyeol had started dating Kris. “You know… promoting by myself.” He manages a smile and he thinks that this is what SME’s trained him to do, to fake things like emotions even when he felt like dying. “How about you?”
“Oh,” Chanyeol chuckles awkwardly and scratches the back of his neck. He glances to his right where Kris is talking to Joonmyun and Jongin before looking back at Baekhyun, who smiles even wider.
“That’s right, I heard,” Baekhyun says through his teeth. “Congratulations!”
Baekhyun stands there, not sure what else he should say. There’s really nothing more he wants to say because, as much as it pains him to admit it, there’s nothing he could articulate that would mean anything. He’s not a part of Chanyeol’s life anymore. It’s been years of no communication, years of no updates, which is probably his fault, but that’s how things are. No matter what anyone might think, there’s no BaekYeol anymore in any shape, form or size.
“Can we talk?” Chanyeol suddenly says, glancing towards Kris again before looking back at him. “Can we?”
“We are talking, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun tries to pass it off nonchalantly, but he knows what Chanyeol is asking of him. It’s something he isn’t sure he’s ready to do, but when Chanyeol pleads again, he finds himself outside of the ballroom, out in the cold, leaning against the balcony.
There are strangely no stars out that night. The sky is an immeasurable depressing abyss that ironically reflects Baekhyun’s state. He takes a deep breath and waits because Chanyeol brought him out here and so Chanyeol should start whatever it is that he thinks Baekhyun’s agreed to talk about.
“Are you really okay?” Chanyeol then asks. Chanyeol is standing directly in front of Baekhyun, close but not too close.
“What are you talking about?” Baekhyun snaps. The fear surges inside him because if Chanyeol knows, he’s not sure if he can ever live it down. Chanyeol’s been his person for years when they were younger and he isn’t sure how Chanyeol would take it if he knew that-
“Lu Han talked to me and he said-“
“Whatever it is, it isn’t true.” Baekhyun turns around and faces the night sky. He quietly breathes in and out, in and out, in and out, until it calms him down. He clenches and unclenches his fist.
There was a time when Chanyeol had calmed him down. It was after rehearsal and Baekhyun had been told off because he’d gone off-key again and again. His throat was hurting and he was pushing it but their manager and vocal coach hadn’t been satisfied. Baekhyun always beats himself up with things like that because singing has always been important to him and if the experts think that he wasn’t good enough then, well… But Chanyeol had held him through his tears, tracing the tear tracks on his face with his callous fingers, telling him crazy stories, like how he’d been teaching Tao the craziest Korean just to make fun of him, or how the newest ice cream flavor in the shop across the street tastes awful, or how beautiful Baekhyun is inside and out no matter what everyone says. Baekhyun remembers that time as the one where he fell in love with Chanyeol.
“You know, sometimes, I think about how things could have happened differently,” Chanyeol speaks again. He’s standing beside Baekhyun, facing the starless night, face tilted up. He sighs and smiles. “Like what if I hadn’t been placed in EXO, or if I’d been in M instead of K or if I did something else, said something else, didn’t say something…”
“What are you talking about?” Baekhyun asks, a tiny bit amused.
“Just… do you ever think about what could have been?” Chanyeol whispers, looking away and staring at his hands instead. “Because sometimes I still do and it’s not that I’m unhappy with Kris because I’m very happy with Kris because-“
“Chanyeol, what are you saying?” Baekhyun’s voice is sharp, eyes trained on the man who was his best friend and still is the love of his life.
“I love Kris,” Chanyeol desperately tells him. “I really do, but I-“
Baekhyun blinks because Chanyeol’s lips are on his, hand behind his neck and another hand on his waist. He knows there’s some protocol over what to do when such things happen, but he doesn’t know and he’s not sure he can remember if there is. His eyes slide shut because this is Chanyeol who is kissing him. His hands gingerly find themselves on Chanyeol’s waist, tightly gripping the material of his dark expensive suit, and uncertainly kisses him back.
Kisses are always special, always important. There’s always that romantic dream that is always associated with them because they are one of the symbols of love and affection. Baekhyun doesn’t have any of those. He’s long squashed those dreams out of him even when he first found out that his feelings for his best friend were far from platonic. Kissing Chanyeol brings those back to him. Images of exchanges quiet kisses in the morning as soon as they wake up, kisses in the middle of the cereal and candy aisles as they shop for groceries, kisses by the door as they both leave for work, kisses, kisses, and more kisses.
When Chanyeol pushes him away, Baekhyun stumbles back and his eyes flutter open, gaze misty, lips red and throat dry. Chanyeol’s eyes are wide with the realization of what he’d done, what he’d revealed.
“I’m-,” Chanyeol starts.
“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun interrupts him instead because if anyone should own up to that kiss, it should be him. Chanyeol is getting married. To Kris, who was, once upon a time, also his friend. It wasn’t fair to him. This wasn’t fair to anyone.
“Baekhyun, I-,” Chanyeol tries again.
“Are you happy?” Baekhyun asks, pleading with him not to say anything else.
Chanyeol bites his lips and hesitates. Then, very slowly, he starts to nod. “Yes,” he whispers. Because he is happy with Kris. Kris holds him up, steadies him, and gives direction to his life that he didn’t think was ever possible for him.
Baekhyun nods, swallowing back the sob that was threatening to escape through his lips. Things would end up being messier if he cried in front of Chanyeol, almost like he was begging for him not to go through with it. But Baekhyun isn’t going to do that because he loves Chanyeol and a part of bearing that responsibility is seeing to Chanyeol’s happiness and not just his own.
“Well then,” Baekhyun says, voice rough, “I’m happy, too.”
When Chanyeol leaves and goes back to the ballroom into Kris’ arms, Baekhyun stands at the sidelines and closes his eyes.
And just then, EXO is arriving in China once again.
Chanyeol is making his way in between the other members, wanting to stand beside Baekhyun. He finds him standing beside Lu Han, looking through their schedules and Chanyeol reaches out for his hand. Baekhyun looks up and, this time, he interlaces their fingers together.
Author's Notes:
I honestly don't know what this is. I suddenly just remembered their interview in China, where Chanyeol says that Kris invited him for hot pot and Baekhyun's all, no everyone should go and then it became this. I was honestly very sad while writing this. :(( Because BaekYeol is like a happy couple to me and I don't know why I did this. But, um, enjoy?
EXO | Baekhyun/Chanyeol | PG | 2010w
Romance, Angst, Post-disbandment
This is when Baekhyun makes the biggest mistake of his life.
When Chances Fade
The moment they touch down in China, Chanyeol doesn't get a moment alone with Baekhyun. He tries to make his way beside him, weeding in and out between the other members, but Baekhyun manages to slip away just when he's about to clamp his hand on his wrist. Instead, Baekhyun latches himself onto Lu Han's side with Lu Han winding his arm around Baekhyun's waist and never letting go.
Chanyeol tries and tries the whole time they're in China. In between performances and rehearsals and shows, he always makes it a point to seek Baekhyun out and stand beside him. But Baekhyun turns and leaves and never even looks at him. Baekhyun finds Lu Han and weaves his fingers with his.
Chanyeol turns the other way and finds Kris, sees Kris.
This is when Chanyeol finally agrees to go on that hot pot dinner with Kris.
This is when Baekhyun makes the biggest mistake of his life.
-
"You're really not going to ask me how they're doing, what they're up to?" Lu Han nudges Baekhyun out of his reverie.
Baekhyun shakes his head because no, he'd rather not know what the deal is with Chanyeol and Kris after all these years, after all the time he's tried to forget Chanyeol even after EXO was EXO no more. It's always been a futile attempt because Chanyeol is so bright even when he isn't actually around him. He can always see his smiles and the lights in his eyes and his deep laughter always resonates in him. But that doesn't mean Baekhyun can't try. He's been trying for years and years to stop thinking about him. He wonders when he'll stop and just not thinking about him.
"I think you should," Lu Han insists. "Because it's better that you find out now, from me, before--"
"Did you hear!" Jongdae suddenly comes sitting down at the table where Lu Han was desperately trying to talk to Baekhyun in private. "Chanyeol and Kris are engaged!"
Lu Han's eyes immediately shift to Baekhyun, who violently coughs in shock. "What?" he weakly asks.
Jongdae nods vigorously and ignorantly. "Chanyeol asked Kris last week and he said yes!"
"Chanyeol asked him?" Baekhyun dumbly repeats.
Jongdae beams and pats Baekhyun on the back. "Weird how things work out, huh? No one would have ever thought of Kris and Chanyeol ending up together back when we were still an active group. Everyone thought that it would be you Chanyeol would end up with. Chanyeol was always attached to you, you know." He winks and leaves the table to chat Yixing up, probably to share the same news.
"Baekhyun," Lu Han reaches out for his arm as Baekhyun stands up to leave when the room quiets.
There's another beat of silence as Chanyeol and Kris enter the room, hand-in-hand, before chaos erupts, lead by Jongdae, who is almost always too excited for his own good. Everyone gathers around the newly engaged couple and Baekhyun feels everything shift around him. He sits back down and closes his eyes, kneading his forehead with his hand.
"I'm sorry," Lu Han, ever his best friend and go-to person, quietly says, a hand on his back. "I'm so sorry, Baekhyun."
This must be what it's like when your whole world crumbles around you. It's soundless and everything moves in slow motion, the colors of things blending in together, all hazy. But there's pain that you're not sure where it's coming from, and you feel it in every bit of your body.
Baekhyun stands because he’d rather be anywhere else than here, rather be alone than be surrounded by people who-
“Hi.”
Baekhyun looks up and blinks. Chanyeol’s voice is like it had always been, deep, a bit rough, but there’s still that tone that Baekhyun knows is only there when Chanyeol talks to him. It reminds him of all those nights they spent lying on his bed, looking at the glow in the dark stars and planets that Chanyeol had taped on their ceiling. Back then Baekhyun thought it was like counting down to their futures. Who would have thought that they’d end up like this?
“Hi,” Baekhyun’s voice is hoarse and he clears his throat, barely noticing Lu Han slip away. “Hi,” he repeats and this time he says it more firmly.
“How are you?” Chanyeol asks and there’s sadness in his eyes.
He and Chanyeol hadn’t seen each other since the group officially disbanded. Baekhyun had decided to leave the company, go back home, finish university, help out with his family, before actually deciding to come back to a career he wasn’t sure he still had. Chanyeol had stayed, along with other members of the group, and with Kris.
“I’ve been good,” Baekhyun lies, because Chanyeol doesn’t need to know how much Baekhyun had cried on Lu Han’s shoulder throughout the years, how he broke and has always been broken the moment he found out that Chanyeol had started dating Kris. “You know… promoting by myself.” He manages a smile and he thinks that this is what SME’s trained him to do, to fake things like emotions even when he felt like dying. “How about you?”
“Oh,” Chanyeol chuckles awkwardly and scratches the back of his neck. He glances to his right where Kris is talking to Joonmyun and Jongin before looking back at Baekhyun, who smiles even wider.
“That’s right, I heard,” Baekhyun says through his teeth. “Congratulations!”
Baekhyun stands there, not sure what else he should say. There’s really nothing more he wants to say because, as much as it pains him to admit it, there’s nothing he could articulate that would mean anything. He’s not a part of Chanyeol’s life anymore. It’s been years of no communication, years of no updates, which is probably his fault, but that’s how things are. No matter what anyone might think, there’s no BaekYeol anymore in any shape, form or size.
“Can we talk?” Chanyeol suddenly says, glancing towards Kris again before looking back at him. “Can we?”
“We are talking, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun tries to pass it off nonchalantly, but he knows what Chanyeol is asking of him. It’s something he isn’t sure he’s ready to do, but when Chanyeol pleads again, he finds himself outside of the ballroom, out in the cold, leaning against the balcony.
There are strangely no stars out that night. The sky is an immeasurable depressing abyss that ironically reflects Baekhyun’s state. He takes a deep breath and waits because Chanyeol brought him out here and so Chanyeol should start whatever it is that he thinks Baekhyun’s agreed to talk about.
“Are you really okay?” Chanyeol then asks. Chanyeol is standing directly in front of Baekhyun, close but not too close.
“What are you talking about?” Baekhyun snaps. The fear surges inside him because if Chanyeol knows, he’s not sure if he can ever live it down. Chanyeol’s been his person for years when they were younger and he isn’t sure how Chanyeol would take it if he knew that-
“Lu Han talked to me and he said-“
“Whatever it is, it isn’t true.” Baekhyun turns around and faces the night sky. He quietly breathes in and out, in and out, in and out, until it calms him down. He clenches and unclenches his fist.
There was a time when Chanyeol had calmed him down. It was after rehearsal and Baekhyun had been told off because he’d gone off-key again and again. His throat was hurting and he was pushing it but their manager and vocal coach hadn’t been satisfied. Baekhyun always beats himself up with things like that because singing has always been important to him and if the experts think that he wasn’t good enough then, well… But Chanyeol had held him through his tears, tracing the tear tracks on his face with his callous fingers, telling him crazy stories, like how he’d been teaching Tao the craziest Korean just to make fun of him, or how the newest ice cream flavor in the shop across the street tastes awful, or how beautiful Baekhyun is inside and out no matter what everyone says. Baekhyun remembers that time as the one where he fell in love with Chanyeol.
“You know, sometimes, I think about how things could have happened differently,” Chanyeol speaks again. He’s standing beside Baekhyun, facing the starless night, face tilted up. He sighs and smiles. “Like what if I hadn’t been placed in EXO, or if I’d been in M instead of K or if I did something else, said something else, didn’t say something…”
“What are you talking about?” Baekhyun asks, a tiny bit amused.
“Just… do you ever think about what could have been?” Chanyeol whispers, looking away and staring at his hands instead. “Because sometimes I still do and it’s not that I’m unhappy with Kris because I’m very happy with Kris because-“
“Chanyeol, what are you saying?” Baekhyun’s voice is sharp, eyes trained on the man who was his best friend and still is the love of his life.
“I love Kris,” Chanyeol desperately tells him. “I really do, but I-“
Baekhyun blinks because Chanyeol’s lips are on his, hand behind his neck and another hand on his waist. He knows there’s some protocol over what to do when such things happen, but he doesn’t know and he’s not sure he can remember if there is. His eyes slide shut because this is Chanyeol who is kissing him. His hands gingerly find themselves on Chanyeol’s waist, tightly gripping the material of his dark expensive suit, and uncertainly kisses him back.
Kisses are always special, always important. There’s always that romantic dream that is always associated with them because they are one of the symbols of love and affection. Baekhyun doesn’t have any of those. He’s long squashed those dreams out of him even when he first found out that his feelings for his best friend were far from platonic. Kissing Chanyeol brings those back to him. Images of exchanges quiet kisses in the morning as soon as they wake up, kisses in the middle of the cereal and candy aisles as they shop for groceries, kisses by the door as they both leave for work, kisses, kisses, and more kisses.
When Chanyeol pushes him away, Baekhyun stumbles back and his eyes flutter open, gaze misty, lips red and throat dry. Chanyeol’s eyes are wide with the realization of what he’d done, what he’d revealed.
“I’m-,” Chanyeol starts.
“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun interrupts him instead because if anyone should own up to that kiss, it should be him. Chanyeol is getting married. To Kris, who was, once upon a time, also his friend. It wasn’t fair to him. This wasn’t fair to anyone.
“Baekhyun, I-,” Chanyeol tries again.
“Are you happy?” Baekhyun asks, pleading with him not to say anything else.
Chanyeol bites his lips and hesitates. Then, very slowly, he starts to nod. “Yes,” he whispers. Because he is happy with Kris. Kris holds him up, steadies him, and gives direction to his life that he didn’t think was ever possible for him.
Baekhyun nods, swallowing back the sob that was threatening to escape through his lips. Things would end up being messier if he cried in front of Chanyeol, almost like he was begging for him not to go through with it. But Baekhyun isn’t going to do that because he loves Chanyeol and a part of bearing that responsibility is seeing to Chanyeol’s happiness and not just his own.
“Well then,” Baekhyun says, voice rough, “I’m happy, too.”
When Chanyeol leaves and goes back to the ballroom into Kris’ arms, Baekhyun stands at the sidelines and closes his eyes.
And just then, EXO is arriving in China once again.
Chanyeol is making his way in between the other members, wanting to stand beside Baekhyun. He finds him standing beside Lu Han, looking through their schedules and Chanyeol reaches out for his hand. Baekhyun looks up and, this time, he interlaces their fingers together.
Author's Notes:
I honestly don't know what this is. I suddenly just remembered their interview in China, where Chanyeol says that Kris invited him for hot pot and Baekhyun's all, no everyone should go and then it became this. I was honestly very sad while writing this. :(( Because BaekYeol is like a happy couple to me and I don't know why I did this. But, um, enjoy?