[R] riding on the fumes that spark us (while igniting dreams) [EXO] (1/1)
Title: riding on the fumes that spark us (while igniting dreams)
Author: airplanewishes
Fandom: EXO
Characters: Luhan/Kai
Genre: Romance, Drama, a bit of smut
Rating: R
WC: 5,393
Summary: And then Jongin comes along with his gorgeous smile, beautiful brain and perfect everything that he thinks it's worth giving it a shot, even if, maybe, it is going too fast.
My beta, Chrys, khrysallis1106, made this so much better. Thank you, dear! :D
riding on the fumes that spark us (while igniting dreams)
Luhan rarely ever goes to church. He goes once in a while, whenever his parents remind him to go or when one of his friends decides he’s having a crisis and needs a friend to hold his hand as he renews his soul or when Kyuhyun, his school senior, fixates his attention on him and tells him that the Lord is calling upon him and his faith. He doesn’t go, not because he doesn’t believe in what the church stands for or not because he doesn’t believe in God, but because he just doesn’t. He believes, but he feels like the act of going to one is too much effort on his part, especially when he has other things to think about, like exams, how to feed himself when he has rent to pay, and the glaring absence of a man in his life.
But then, one summer day, when Kyuhyun comes up to him to tell him, once again, that he just needs to be present in order for God’s word to come alive in him (and that there is going to be unlimited buffet afterwards), he actually believes him and attends mass of his own free will.
He sits at the back, his eyes slightly drooping, when a small commotion a couple of rows in front catches his attention.
A dark-haired boy apparently had forgotten to turn his phone on silent mode, causing it to ring and interrupt the solemnity of the mass. Said boy’s curse carries over the quiet din and makes things worse for himself. His mother elbows him and sends him out of the sanctuary, his head hanging low, hands in his pockets.
Luhan smiles to himself and follows him outside.
“Hey,” Luhan greets him when he finds the boy, standing by the stairs’ railings, a cigarette in between his tan fingers. Dark eyes meet his and he quirks his eyebrows in greeting. “I thought smoking wasn’t allowed in church.”
He takes a long drag, the white stick in deep contrast with the plump redness of his lips, and breathes out the smoke right into Luhan’s face. “Yeah? Well, we’re not in church,” he drawls out, taking in another drag. Luhan smiles, the sides of his eyes crinkling, creating lines, and something in the boy’s eyes light up at this. “I’m Jongin,” he introduces himself.
“Luhan.”
“Luhan,” Jongin repeats, throwing out the stub of his cigarette and steps on it with the tip of his old sneakers. “What do you say we get out of here?”
Luhan glances back at the closed door of the revered hallowed hall, thinking for a second about Kyuhyun, how he will surely get upset at him leaving right in the middle, and at the unlimited food he’s going to miss. And then he thinks about this boy that he’s just met, Jongin. He looks at him and smiles with a slight tilt of his head.
“Where to?” he asks.
-
It’s pretty easy for him to talk to strangers. He’s always the one who cracks up a smile first at eye contact, gaze open and welcoming. He doesn’t mind striking up conversation with random people he meets on the sidewalk or on the bus. He likes people and enjoys being a part of their lives even just for a second. And, normally, that’s just what happens. He talks to people and they go their separate ways and forget.
But it’s surprisingly not like that with Jongin.
Because after that first meeting outside the church, they go to the park, sits down on one of the benches, and talk. Jongin tells him how he finds his brother annoying, how his mother thinks he’s annoying, and how he thinks the world is annoying with all the expectations and pressures it was showering down on him. Luhan tells him how he feels like there could be more he should be doing with his life, how he isn’t even sure if being in a business course is something that he really wants.
They talk more about lesser serious things than that afterwards and mostly just end up laughing, their arms brushing against each other’s the whole time.
It’s been two weeks of daily exchanges of SMS messages after that and Luhan knows that Jongin is interested in him as much as he’s interested in Jongin. There were the constant flirting signs that was usually something that makes Luhan’s eyes roll, but instead makes him giggle like a little girl.
And now, they’re on a date, in a nice restaurant. Luhan’s wearing his nicest shirt and jeans, while Jongin looks handsome in his long-sleeved red, blue and gray striped shirt. As Jongin orders the food for them, Luhan looks around and thinks that it’s been a long time since he’s been out on a date like this and with a man who seems, seems, like he put a check mark on all things he’s been looking for in a guy and in a relationship. But it’s probably too early to tell.
They talk all throughout the dinner, rarely having a dull or an awkward moment. When silences do come, Luhan smiles and then Jongin smiles, and the silence is filled with laughter because they’re both just happy to be there, happy to be in the company of someone who seems wonderful and simple and both in hopes that this could be something more.
Jongin makes Luhan laugh a lot and Luhan finds that as something to be desirable. He likes a man with a sense of humor, a man who didn’t fear to make a fool out of himself, someone who isn’t too serious about things and about life. But he likes a man with direction, too, and he finds that Jongin has that as well. He wants to be a lawyer someday and is actually currently taking up law, studying hard, in order to fulfill that dream. Jongin keeps saying that his family has had his life mapped out for him since he was born. But Luhan thinks that such is the life that Jongin wants for himself as well.
Luhan tries not to sigh as Jongin walks him to his car at the end of their evening. Their hands and arms side by side with each other’s drives him crazy because he wants Jongin to hold his hand, wants to feel his big tanned hands on his pale, daintier ones. He doesn’t care if it’s soon, that it’s just the first date. He knows he likes Jongin and that’s all that matters.
They reach his car and Luhan turns to face him. He knows there’s a big silly smile on his face and that it’s an obvious indication of how much he had fun, of how much he enjoyed his company, and he just doesn’t care. He knows that Jongin enjoyed the date, too. He only hopes that it’s enough for him to ask him for a second one.
The hug that they exchange just before he gets into his car sends tingles all over his body. And as he drives away, the memory of Jongin’s back as he walks away, makes him pray sincerely for the first time in a long time, thanking God for having met Jongin and praying to let him be the one.
-
“Be careful, Lu,” Sehun tells him very seriously. “You’ve only just met him.”
“I am being careful,” Luhan assures him.
Sehun pulls away and looks him in the eye. “Are you really? Or are you just saying that to pacify me?”
Luhan smiles and sits down beside Sehun on the couch, curling into him. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, appreciating the fact that he has a best friend who cares about him like Sehun does. But while he feels that Sehun’s concern is valid, he really just can’t contain all these feelings that Jongin invokes in him. He’s been single for quite some time now and feels like no one’s ever matched up to the ideal that he has in his head.
And then Jongin comes along with his gorgeous smile, beautiful brain and perfect everything that he thinks it’s worth giving it a shot, even if, maybe, it is going too fast.
He thinks about all the things that Jongin’s been telling him and sharing with him. They talk about their families, their friends, their schoolwork, their hopes and dreams and the future. There’s probably nothing they haven’t talked about and that kind of openness really attracts Luhan and makes him very hopeful about a possible future for them.
Jongin makes him giggle and makes him giddy like he’s never felt in a long, long time. It amuses and exasperates him at the same time because, really, he’s too old to act like a middle schoolgirl. And yet, he welcomes it, because Jongin makes him feel like he can be himself and be beautiful at the same time. He doesn’t need to pretend to be anything when he talks to him and when they’re together. He can be just Luhan and Jongin will like him for being just him.
How can he let such a wonderful opportunity pass?
-
Jongin’s car is clean, cleaner than his and cleaner than most guys’ cars. There are newspapers on the floor (“to make it easier to clean and dust off”) and there aren’t any papers or clothes or any type of trash that can be found anywhere. Jongin’s pretty much orderly with all of his things, like how he is with his life.
Luhan looks out of the window and takes a deep breath. It’s the first time he’s found himself with not much to say to Jongin. Granted that they haven’t known each other very long, it’s only been a little over a month after all. But the way they talk to each other…there are never these awkward silences because they’ve decided to be always open to each other, to always ask questions, to never hesitate to ask (“my life is an open book to you”).
But he also isn’t the type to rush into relationships. He’s been always about the romance and the courtship, the handholding and then the first kiss, and the more kisses before it completely mesh into sex. And so the thought of going to a motel, right into sex, on their second date makes Luhan freeze into his seat and his throat close up, locking the words down.
A hand reaches for one of those that’s clasped on his lap, squeezing it gently and Luhan throws his entire friend, Sehun’s, words of warning to him that this is too fast, too fast out into the wind, because Jongin would never hurt him. Jongin is open to him and is honest and knows his fears.
“Are you nervous?” Jongin’s voice reaches his ears.
Luhan merely laughs because there’s really not much he can say. He knows that Jongin knows he’s nervous just by the way he’s sitting and the way he keeps on looking out of the window.
Jongin chuckles quietly and then his hand is grabbed away. Luhan looks up to find Jongin looking at him as he kisses the knuckles of his hand. He kisses his hand again and again until the butterflies in his stomach feel like they’re going to burst out.
The kisses on his hand make him feel giddy because Jongin’s lips are soft and he bites his own, wondering what those lips would feel like on his.
Such kisses do nothing to calm down the wild beating of his heart.
-
The room is small, charming and smells of smoke. The ones who had probably used it before them were smoking, so Jongin opens the window as Luhan looks around. He takes in the small television hanging on the corner of the room, the vanity mirror on the side, and the mini refrigerator on the other side, coupled with a small table and some wooden chairs.
Jongin walks over to him and puts an arm around his shoulders as they laugh at the small flyer placed on the bedside table saying that they also had motel merchandise. But Luhan’s laugh is hollow because the fast and hard beating of his heart is choking him.
Jongin seems to sense this because his arm around him tightens and, very gently, he plants a kiss on the crown of his head. Luhan’s eyes flutter close as Jongin unwraps his arms from him and tugs him towards the bed.
Luhan swallows as Jongin sits on the edge of the bed, slowly backing up until he’s in the middle of it, with Luhan kneeling in front of him, practically hovering over him. There are a million thoughts in his head, a lot of them telling him that this is wrong because they don’t know each other that well, because this is only their second date, because, because, because. Right in the middle of it all, though, there’s the thought that says that Luhan wants this and Jongin wants this, too, because they want each other.
So he places his knees on either side of his thighs and receives Jongin’s kiss with a contented sigh.
-
Such kinds of meetings happen more regularly. They set a date and it’s secondhand to them that there’s going to be sex in store for them afterwards.
The sex is really good, Luhan thinks, because Jongin is vocal and asks him what he wants, what makes him feel good. At the same time, Jongin tells him what he wants from him, and Luhan does what he says and gives him what he desires because Luhan wants him to be happy and satisfied and never disappointed.
He learns that Jongin likes it when he moves his hand up and down with a slow rhythm. He learns that Jongin likes it when he goes down on him, starting with the tip of his cock and right down to his balls, that he likes it when he allows him to come in his mouth and swallow everything. He learns that Jongin likes to be ridden, hard, and to have him speak dirty things right into his ear as he bit them.
Luhan does it all for him, is willing to learn everything for him, because sex with Jongin means so much more to him because Jongin understands that he hasn’t had many sex partners in the past, that he’s pretty innocent because he is-was-the type never to have sex unless it was for love.
And when Jongin thrusts into him, making him keen and moan and feel all sorts of things that he’s never felt with his other boyfriends, he wonders if he is in love with Jongin.
-
Sometimes Luhan gets the courage to bring up whatever relationship they were currently in, what they were currently doing. He’s never been one for casual sex and is someone who doesn’t understand how anyone could have sex and not have feelings for that other person. He asks because there are moments where he can’t stand himself and can’t stand giving himself to someone, no matter whether he’s actually, maybe, in love with him or not, and not knowing where he stands.
Jongin would kiss him then, sometimes tells him that he’s living in the moment and right now he’s happy, and sometimes just gives him smile in response. There’s never a definite answer, never a promise of anything, and Luhan gets disappointed and, more recently, scared.
But then there are those days where Jongin talks about a future, their future, in which Jongin comes home from a long day in the law firm and Luhan is there ready with their dinner; a future where Luhan cooks for him, gives him massages and kisses him to relax.
There are those days where Jongin bravely tells him that he wants to introduce him to his mom and finally come out to her and admit to her that this is who he is and there’s such a person like Luhan in his life. Jongin tells him that his mother would probably like him, that she’s never really liked any of the girls he’s dated in the past but that I think she’ll like you more than she does the others, but I’ll be right here if she doesn’t.
Other times, Jongin talks about traveling everywhere and taking Luhan with him just because it would be fun to travel together. They would see the world together, hand-in-hand.
And each and every single time, the hope in Luhan’s heart grows bigger and bigger. He wants all of those things with Jongin. He wants to meet his family, hoping that he’s what they’re looking for for their son. He wants to travel with him and hold his hand as they marvel the world together. He wants to have that future where he greets him when he comes homes and says honey, I’m home. He wants all of those things and more because he’s Jongin.
Because Jongin is beautiful with his tanned skin, dark hair, dark eyes and red lips that always kiss him breathless. Because Jongin is all broad shoulders and chest and muscled arms and long legs. Because Jongin smiles like the sun, his teeth white and straight and perfect just like him. Because Jongin knows what his future looks like and he knows how to get there. Because Jongin knows what to do to achieve his dreams, because he works hard, and he loves what he does and does what he loves.
And because…because maybe, just maybe, Luhan’s already into him so deep that maybe, just maybe, he’s already in love.
-
When Jongin gets a free overnight stay at a fancy hotel in the city, he doesn’t hesitate to ask Luhan to stay with him.
Luhan’s just put his bags down when Jongin brings him into his arms, kissing him senseless, like they hadn’t just been together the week before. But Luhan gives in because Jongin kissing him is his favorite thing (aside from his smiles, his hand on his, and his laughter). Soon enough, their clothes are discarded and Luhan is hovering over him on the bed, a smile on his face. Jongin reaches up, caressing his cheek softly, before Jongin leans up to kiss him.
“I want you to suck me,” Jongin then whispers on his lips and Luhan is almost startled at how direct it sounds.
But he giggles and gives him kisses, moving from his neck, down to his chest, to his stomach and way down. Luhan sees Jongin’s cock twitch and he looks up, a smirk on his mouth. He puts his hand on the base and gives the tip and experimental lick. Jongin leans his head back and lets out a strangled groan. Smiling, he takes all of him in his mouth and sucks just like how he’s been taught, like how Jongin wants it, and soon Jongin comes into his mouth. He drinks him all in even if it still makes him gag because he wants Jongin to feel satisfied.
Jongin then sits up and pushes Luhan to the bed, kissing him in an agonizingly slow manner, but he circles his arms around his neck to bring him closer. Jongin knows that kisses are what turn Luhan on the most and so he takes his time as his hands wander all over his body. When his hand reaches his cock, Luhan’s hips cant up on their own and he could feel Jongin’s smirk on his lips. He strokes him with a rhythm that has him panting and screaming into Jongin’s mouth. He squeezes his eyes shut and lets out gasp after gasp as the pleasure shoots through him.
And then Jongin’s hand is gone, leaving him aching and so close, so close. He blinks up at him and bites back a groan when Jongin starts prepping him and himself and he writhes around on the bed because he can’t wait any longer.
Jongin’s thrusts are deep and hard, making the eyes in Luhan’s head roll back with pleasure. He grips his arms, his shoulders, his back, scratching his skin because oh god, this feels so good, there, right there. With every thrust, Jongin gives a kiss in any expanse of his skin that is closest. Sometimes he kisses him on the lips, lapping up his moans and groans, licking his tongue, biting on it.
When they come, Jongin collapses on top of him and Luhan wraps his arms tightly because it’s never been this good before, for the both of them and was never like this with anyone else. Luhan curls into Jongin’s arms and his eyes flutter shut because he’s happy and tired and think that this is a beautiful, beautiful thing.
-
Luhan rarely ever goes to church. He goes once in a while, whenever his parents remind him to go or when one of his friends decides he’s having a crisis and needs a friend to hold his hand as he renews his soul or when Kyuhyun, his school senior, fixates his attention on him and tells him that the Lord is calling upon him and his faith. He doesn’t go, not because he doesn’t believe in what the church stands for or not because he doesn’t believe in God, but because he just doesn’t. He believes, but he feels like the act of going to one is too much effort on his part.
But then, one day, when Jongin, the man who’s invaded every part of his life and his dreams, suddenly disappears from his life as if he was never really there, he attends mass of his own free will. It’s not like he can just ask Jongin what was going on because he still isn’t sure if they ever really did have a relationship. They never did have any exchange of feelings or exchange any form of promise to each other. What they had was what they had. There isn’t a name for it, no official tag to their relationship.
He learns then just how it is to pray, really pray, asking for answers and any sort of sign or any clue what was happening. He prays when he wakes up, prays every time he sees something that reminds him of Jongin, which is all the time, and prays before he goes to bed, just before he cries himself to sleep.
But praying doesn’t help him all the time. Most of the time it just makes him burst into tears because he’s reminded so much of how he met Jongin in church.
So he takes up running. Running helps. The sweat on his forehead and neck trickling down, the heat embracing his body, and the loud beating of his heart helps make him forget, even just a little bit, that his heart isn’t quite in the right place. And so he runs and runs and runs. Sometimes he thinks that if he could just run all the time, forever, then maybe the hurting of his heart would go away and then he would forget.
All in all it’s the little things that always get him, and he feels like throwing up whenever he’s reminded of him, and how he feels betrayed because he gave him everything, all of him, and now it feels like nothing’s left for himself. He’s tainted everything in his life, everything in his mind and body.
He bursts into tears and curls up by himself.
“I’m sorry,” Sehun whispers into his ear as he pulls him into his arms and Luhan gives in because he’s tired. “I’m sorry.”
Luhan just cries even more because Sehun’s always told him that things were moving far too fast between him and Jongin and that he should be careful. He wishes that he listened. He wishes that he didn’t give in so easily to such warm and beautiful smiles, light caresses and sweet kisses.
These days he prays that he wishes to go back to his old life, the life before he met Kim Jongin, because he thinks it’s better to feel empty than to feel so hurt, like his heart is being ripped into small, little pieces.
-
It takes a month for Luhan to grieve. He goes on with his life. He goes to school, goes home, meets with his friends and tries to salvage his whole life back. All of a sudden he’s fallen back into the old routine, except this time there’s a hole in his heart that he isn’t quite sure how to fill or fix. His friends try their hardest to cheer him up, to assure him, that maybe something’s just up, that maybe Jongin is just busy with certain things, and Luhan smiles and nods at all of these. But, deep inside, he knows that it’s over.
And it’s this realization that makes him confront Jongin. He wants to know what he already knows. He wants to hear it from Jongin and that hopefully he would be able to go on with his life. He thinks it’s better to already know and get it over with, than go on with life, constantly wondering what had happened.
Jongin stands before him, eyes everywhere but at Luhan’s face. Luhan watches as Jongin puts his hands in the pockets of his jeans, clears his throat and breathes out, puffing his cheeks in obvious discomfort. Jongin shifts in his seat uncomfortably and takes a deep breath before finally opening his mouth and telling Luhan that he was still hung over, still in love, with his ex-boyfriend.
Luhan blinks and he’s reminded of one of their conversations during their first date. Jongin’s just gotten out of a relationship then, but had assured him that they had broken up amicably and that their paths just weren’t intersecting anymore. Luhan remembers nodding his head and believing in him, even though they had only been broken up for a month. The thought that he was a rebound creeps into him so fast that he feels like throwing up.
Jongin continues speaking, telling him that he’s sorry, that he’s never meant to hurt him, that he thinks Luhan is sweet and beautiful and that he knows he will find someone wonderful, someone who will deserve him better than he does and one who doesn’t have any excess baggage. He goes on to say that he will remember what they had, that this summer romance would always be something that he will hold dear to his heart and treasure forever.
Luhan blinks back his tears, gets up without a word and goes to the bathroom. He vomits and vomits and vomits until he’s gasping and his stomach is hurting because there’s nothing left. He’s empty, so empty, that there’s nothing left to give and every bit of his being just hurts.
When he goes back out, Jongin is gone.
-
Luhan continues to search for answers because he still doesn’t understand. He seeks out Kyungsoo, who is Jongin’s best friend, with earnest eyes, trying to find some more clarity that maybe a best friend could give.
“I’m really sorry, Luhan. I’m sorry for what he did to you,” Kyungsoo sighs, looking truly apologetic. “I’ve… I’ve tried talking to him, but he’s not listening to me anymore.” He pauses and shakes his head, breathing deeply. “We’re not even talking right now. He’s… sorting things out by himself.”
And Luhan finds that he’s not satisfied.
-
Luhan walks to the park as he comes out from mass. He takes deep breaths, trying to ease the chest pains he’s been having ever since Jongin left him. Things have been slowly getting better, but it makes him wonder how three short months could have resulted into him being like this. It’s like they were together far longer than three months, like they made promises to each other, like Jongin actually told him he loves him. None of those ever happened, but Luhan’s heart just refused to stop being in pain.
He takes his phone out to call Sehun. He’s about to dial his number before he decides against it. Sehun’s always listening to him whine and cry and he’s probably tired of it. He puts his phone back in his pocket and continues to walk.
“Luhan!”
Luhan turns around and his eyes widen. Junmyeon is jogging up to him, trying to catch up.
“Hi,” Luhan hesitantly greets him. He glances around, like he expects Jongin to pop out any moment. Because Junmyeon is Jongin’s other best friend, one whom he hasn’t official met but has heard about from Jongin.
“I… we haven’t really met,” Junmyeon begins to speak. “I’m Junmyeon.”
“Luhan,” Luhan says in return. “Can I help you with something?”
“I just wanted to talk to you,” Junmyeon admits seeking him out. “About Jongin.” He takes a deep breath. “I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but I wanted to apologize. For what he did to you.”
Luhan blinks, his heart sinking even more. Because two friends apologizing to him for something they didn’t even do is interesting, to say the least. And it is a confirmation that Jongin is really just a jerk, who plays around.
-
Slowly, but surely, Luhan learns to put his life and the pieces of his heart back together. He takes things one day at a time, sometimes just going through the motions. But there are times when he feels a surge of excitement back in his life, when he realizes that there are other things to be happy about, other things to care about, other people to love.
Sehun barely leaves his side, their other friends making sure that he’s always okay. He appreciates the gesture and keeps on telling them that he’s fine and that he’ll be okay. He wants to learn to stand on his own two feet, wants to feel like he can help heal himself on his own. He doesn’t want to be a burden to them and he doesn’t want to keep on leaning on others anymore.
“It’s three months today,” Sehun announces as he flounces into his room.
Sehun’s told him about the three-month rule. It entails that in each broken relationship, there is a period of three months where both parties stay single, whether to heal the brokenness or to stay single out of respect, until they can properly start going out and dating again.
As Sehun claps excitedly for him, Luhan smiles, and for the first time, he feels like his heart is whole again.
-
Jongin barely ever crosses Luhan’s mind anymore. Four months later, as he goes through his schooling, takes care of his family and friends, things have gotten better for him and he is whole again.
Kyuhyun catches up with him and gives him a hug after service. “You look better each day,” he compliments him and Luhan tells Kyuhyun that he’s grateful, somehow, with everything that’s happened, that maybe it’s meant to be like this. “God works in mysterious ways,” Kyuhyun then says, baffling him.
But he shoots Kyuhyun a smile and then makes his way out of the church, through the crowd. He thinks about meeting Sehun and his boyfriend Tao, who was bringing his friend, Kris, later in the day. They plan to meet up for lunch and then maybe catch a movie.
He moves down the steps of the church, looks up and, almost immediately, stops in his tracks.
Jongin is standing there, hands in his pockets, every bit of him uncertain, the complete opposite of how he was when they had first met.
“Hi,” Jongin breathes, eyes flickering everywhere before finally resting on Luhan’s.
If this had been any other time before that day, if he saw Jongin in any other day in the four months prior to this, he knows that his heart would’ve cracked and would’ve ached. But, right now, there isn’t any of that. Surprisingly enough, he’s actually just genuinely happy to see Jongin, to know that he’s well. He takes the couple more steps down and meets Jongin face-to-face.
Then, just like all those months before, he prays, what the hell is this? Why is Jongin here? Then he remembers Kyuhyun’s words just before, God works in mysterious ways.
“Hi,” Luhan greets him back with a laugh, surprising Jongin.
Maybe, just maybe…
Author's Notes:
1. This is very close to my heart. So, it is what it is. :)
2. First LuKai/KaiLu? I hope you don't hate it. I just suddenly started writing it this morning and, surprisingly, it just kind of flowed. This story is pretty much overdue for over 3 months now. I've been trying to write this, but haven't been successful.
3. Comments/questions/suggestions/violent reactions are welcome. :)
Author: airplanewishes
Fandom: EXO
Characters: Luhan/Kai
Genre: Romance, Drama, a bit of smut
Rating: R
WC: 5,393
Summary: And then Jongin comes along with his gorgeous smile, beautiful brain and perfect everything that he thinks it's worth giving it a shot, even if, maybe, it is going too fast.
My beta, Chrys, khrysallis1106, made this so much better. Thank you, dear! :D
riding on the fumes that spark us (while igniting dreams)
Luhan rarely ever goes to church. He goes once in a while, whenever his parents remind him to go or when one of his friends decides he’s having a crisis and needs a friend to hold his hand as he renews his soul or when Kyuhyun, his school senior, fixates his attention on him and tells him that the Lord is calling upon him and his faith. He doesn’t go, not because he doesn’t believe in what the church stands for or not because he doesn’t believe in God, but because he just doesn’t. He believes, but he feels like the act of going to one is too much effort on his part, especially when he has other things to think about, like exams, how to feed himself when he has rent to pay, and the glaring absence of a man in his life.
But then, one summer day, when Kyuhyun comes up to him to tell him, once again, that he just needs to be present in order for God’s word to come alive in him (and that there is going to be unlimited buffet afterwards), he actually believes him and attends mass of his own free will.
He sits at the back, his eyes slightly drooping, when a small commotion a couple of rows in front catches his attention.
A dark-haired boy apparently had forgotten to turn his phone on silent mode, causing it to ring and interrupt the solemnity of the mass. Said boy’s curse carries over the quiet din and makes things worse for himself. His mother elbows him and sends him out of the sanctuary, his head hanging low, hands in his pockets.
Luhan smiles to himself and follows him outside.
“Hey,” Luhan greets him when he finds the boy, standing by the stairs’ railings, a cigarette in between his tan fingers. Dark eyes meet his and he quirks his eyebrows in greeting. “I thought smoking wasn’t allowed in church.”
He takes a long drag, the white stick in deep contrast with the plump redness of his lips, and breathes out the smoke right into Luhan’s face. “Yeah? Well, we’re not in church,” he drawls out, taking in another drag. Luhan smiles, the sides of his eyes crinkling, creating lines, and something in the boy’s eyes light up at this. “I’m Jongin,” he introduces himself.
“Luhan.”
“Luhan,” Jongin repeats, throwing out the stub of his cigarette and steps on it with the tip of his old sneakers. “What do you say we get out of here?”
Luhan glances back at the closed door of the revered hallowed hall, thinking for a second about Kyuhyun, how he will surely get upset at him leaving right in the middle, and at the unlimited food he’s going to miss. And then he thinks about this boy that he’s just met, Jongin. He looks at him and smiles with a slight tilt of his head.
“Where to?” he asks.
-
It’s pretty easy for him to talk to strangers. He’s always the one who cracks up a smile first at eye contact, gaze open and welcoming. He doesn’t mind striking up conversation with random people he meets on the sidewalk or on the bus. He likes people and enjoys being a part of their lives even just for a second. And, normally, that’s just what happens. He talks to people and they go their separate ways and forget.
But it’s surprisingly not like that with Jongin.
Because after that first meeting outside the church, they go to the park, sits down on one of the benches, and talk. Jongin tells him how he finds his brother annoying, how his mother thinks he’s annoying, and how he thinks the world is annoying with all the expectations and pressures it was showering down on him. Luhan tells him how he feels like there could be more he should be doing with his life, how he isn’t even sure if being in a business course is something that he really wants.
They talk more about lesser serious things than that afterwards and mostly just end up laughing, their arms brushing against each other’s the whole time.
It’s been two weeks of daily exchanges of SMS messages after that and Luhan knows that Jongin is interested in him as much as he’s interested in Jongin. There were the constant flirting signs that was usually something that makes Luhan’s eyes roll, but instead makes him giggle like a little girl.
And now, they’re on a date, in a nice restaurant. Luhan’s wearing his nicest shirt and jeans, while Jongin looks handsome in his long-sleeved red, blue and gray striped shirt. As Jongin orders the food for them, Luhan looks around and thinks that it’s been a long time since he’s been out on a date like this and with a man who seems, seems, like he put a check mark on all things he’s been looking for in a guy and in a relationship. But it’s probably too early to tell.
They talk all throughout the dinner, rarely having a dull or an awkward moment. When silences do come, Luhan smiles and then Jongin smiles, and the silence is filled with laughter because they’re both just happy to be there, happy to be in the company of someone who seems wonderful and simple and both in hopes that this could be something more.
Jongin makes Luhan laugh a lot and Luhan finds that as something to be desirable. He likes a man with a sense of humor, a man who didn’t fear to make a fool out of himself, someone who isn’t too serious about things and about life. But he likes a man with direction, too, and he finds that Jongin has that as well. He wants to be a lawyer someday and is actually currently taking up law, studying hard, in order to fulfill that dream. Jongin keeps saying that his family has had his life mapped out for him since he was born. But Luhan thinks that such is the life that Jongin wants for himself as well.
Luhan tries not to sigh as Jongin walks him to his car at the end of their evening. Their hands and arms side by side with each other’s drives him crazy because he wants Jongin to hold his hand, wants to feel his big tanned hands on his pale, daintier ones. He doesn’t care if it’s soon, that it’s just the first date. He knows he likes Jongin and that’s all that matters.
They reach his car and Luhan turns to face him. He knows there’s a big silly smile on his face and that it’s an obvious indication of how much he had fun, of how much he enjoyed his company, and he just doesn’t care. He knows that Jongin enjoyed the date, too. He only hopes that it’s enough for him to ask him for a second one.
The hug that they exchange just before he gets into his car sends tingles all over his body. And as he drives away, the memory of Jongin’s back as he walks away, makes him pray sincerely for the first time in a long time, thanking God for having met Jongin and praying to let him be the one.
-
“Be careful, Lu,” Sehun tells him very seriously. “You’ve only just met him.”
“I am being careful,” Luhan assures him.
Sehun pulls away and looks him in the eye. “Are you really? Or are you just saying that to pacify me?”
Luhan smiles and sits down beside Sehun on the couch, curling into him. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, appreciating the fact that he has a best friend who cares about him like Sehun does. But while he feels that Sehun’s concern is valid, he really just can’t contain all these feelings that Jongin invokes in him. He’s been single for quite some time now and feels like no one’s ever matched up to the ideal that he has in his head.
And then Jongin comes along with his gorgeous smile, beautiful brain and perfect everything that he thinks it’s worth giving it a shot, even if, maybe, it is going too fast.
He thinks about all the things that Jongin’s been telling him and sharing with him. They talk about their families, their friends, their schoolwork, their hopes and dreams and the future. There’s probably nothing they haven’t talked about and that kind of openness really attracts Luhan and makes him very hopeful about a possible future for them.
Jongin makes him giggle and makes him giddy like he’s never felt in a long, long time. It amuses and exasperates him at the same time because, really, he’s too old to act like a middle schoolgirl. And yet, he welcomes it, because Jongin makes him feel like he can be himself and be beautiful at the same time. He doesn’t need to pretend to be anything when he talks to him and when they’re together. He can be just Luhan and Jongin will like him for being just him.
How can he let such a wonderful opportunity pass?
-
Jongin’s car is clean, cleaner than his and cleaner than most guys’ cars. There are newspapers on the floor (“to make it easier to clean and dust off”) and there aren’t any papers or clothes or any type of trash that can be found anywhere. Jongin’s pretty much orderly with all of his things, like how he is with his life.
Luhan looks out of the window and takes a deep breath. It’s the first time he’s found himself with not much to say to Jongin. Granted that they haven’t known each other very long, it’s only been a little over a month after all. But the way they talk to each other…there are never these awkward silences because they’ve decided to be always open to each other, to always ask questions, to never hesitate to ask (“my life is an open book to you”).
But he also isn’t the type to rush into relationships. He’s been always about the romance and the courtship, the handholding and then the first kiss, and the more kisses before it completely mesh into sex. And so the thought of going to a motel, right into sex, on their second date makes Luhan freeze into his seat and his throat close up, locking the words down.
A hand reaches for one of those that’s clasped on his lap, squeezing it gently and Luhan throws his entire friend, Sehun’s, words of warning to him that this is too fast, too fast out into the wind, because Jongin would never hurt him. Jongin is open to him and is honest and knows his fears.
“Are you nervous?” Jongin’s voice reaches his ears.
Luhan merely laughs because there’s really not much he can say. He knows that Jongin knows he’s nervous just by the way he’s sitting and the way he keeps on looking out of the window.
Jongin chuckles quietly and then his hand is grabbed away. Luhan looks up to find Jongin looking at him as he kisses the knuckles of his hand. He kisses his hand again and again until the butterflies in his stomach feel like they’re going to burst out.
The kisses on his hand make him feel giddy because Jongin’s lips are soft and he bites his own, wondering what those lips would feel like on his.
Such kisses do nothing to calm down the wild beating of his heart.
-
The room is small, charming and smells of smoke. The ones who had probably used it before them were smoking, so Jongin opens the window as Luhan looks around. He takes in the small television hanging on the corner of the room, the vanity mirror on the side, and the mini refrigerator on the other side, coupled with a small table and some wooden chairs.
Jongin walks over to him and puts an arm around his shoulders as they laugh at the small flyer placed on the bedside table saying that they also had motel merchandise. But Luhan’s laugh is hollow because the fast and hard beating of his heart is choking him.
Jongin seems to sense this because his arm around him tightens and, very gently, he plants a kiss on the crown of his head. Luhan’s eyes flutter close as Jongin unwraps his arms from him and tugs him towards the bed.
Luhan swallows as Jongin sits on the edge of the bed, slowly backing up until he’s in the middle of it, with Luhan kneeling in front of him, practically hovering over him. There are a million thoughts in his head, a lot of them telling him that this is wrong because they don’t know each other that well, because this is only their second date, because, because, because. Right in the middle of it all, though, there’s the thought that says that Luhan wants this and Jongin wants this, too, because they want each other.
So he places his knees on either side of his thighs and receives Jongin’s kiss with a contented sigh.
-
Such kinds of meetings happen more regularly. They set a date and it’s secondhand to them that there’s going to be sex in store for them afterwards.
The sex is really good, Luhan thinks, because Jongin is vocal and asks him what he wants, what makes him feel good. At the same time, Jongin tells him what he wants from him, and Luhan does what he says and gives him what he desires because Luhan wants him to be happy and satisfied and never disappointed.
He learns that Jongin likes it when he moves his hand up and down with a slow rhythm. He learns that Jongin likes it when he goes down on him, starting with the tip of his cock and right down to his balls, that he likes it when he allows him to come in his mouth and swallow everything. He learns that Jongin likes to be ridden, hard, and to have him speak dirty things right into his ear as he bit them.
Luhan does it all for him, is willing to learn everything for him, because sex with Jongin means so much more to him because Jongin understands that he hasn’t had many sex partners in the past, that he’s pretty innocent because he is-was-the type never to have sex unless it was for love.
And when Jongin thrusts into him, making him keen and moan and feel all sorts of things that he’s never felt with his other boyfriends, he wonders if he is in love with Jongin.
-
Sometimes Luhan gets the courage to bring up whatever relationship they were currently in, what they were currently doing. He’s never been one for casual sex and is someone who doesn’t understand how anyone could have sex and not have feelings for that other person. He asks because there are moments where he can’t stand himself and can’t stand giving himself to someone, no matter whether he’s actually, maybe, in love with him or not, and not knowing where he stands.
Jongin would kiss him then, sometimes tells him that he’s living in the moment and right now he’s happy, and sometimes just gives him smile in response. There’s never a definite answer, never a promise of anything, and Luhan gets disappointed and, more recently, scared.
But then there are those days where Jongin talks about a future, their future, in which Jongin comes home from a long day in the law firm and Luhan is there ready with their dinner; a future where Luhan cooks for him, gives him massages and kisses him to relax.
There are those days where Jongin bravely tells him that he wants to introduce him to his mom and finally come out to her and admit to her that this is who he is and there’s such a person like Luhan in his life. Jongin tells him that his mother would probably like him, that she’s never really liked any of the girls he’s dated in the past but that I think she’ll like you more than she does the others, but I’ll be right here if she doesn’t.
Other times, Jongin talks about traveling everywhere and taking Luhan with him just because it would be fun to travel together. They would see the world together, hand-in-hand.
And each and every single time, the hope in Luhan’s heart grows bigger and bigger. He wants all of those things with Jongin. He wants to meet his family, hoping that he’s what they’re looking for for their son. He wants to travel with him and hold his hand as they marvel the world together. He wants to have that future where he greets him when he comes homes and says honey, I’m home. He wants all of those things and more because he’s Jongin.
Because Jongin is beautiful with his tanned skin, dark hair, dark eyes and red lips that always kiss him breathless. Because Jongin is all broad shoulders and chest and muscled arms and long legs. Because Jongin smiles like the sun, his teeth white and straight and perfect just like him. Because Jongin knows what his future looks like and he knows how to get there. Because Jongin knows what to do to achieve his dreams, because he works hard, and he loves what he does and does what he loves.
And because…because maybe, just maybe, Luhan’s already into him so deep that maybe, just maybe, he’s already in love.
-
When Jongin gets a free overnight stay at a fancy hotel in the city, he doesn’t hesitate to ask Luhan to stay with him.
Luhan’s just put his bags down when Jongin brings him into his arms, kissing him senseless, like they hadn’t just been together the week before. But Luhan gives in because Jongin kissing him is his favorite thing (aside from his smiles, his hand on his, and his laughter). Soon enough, their clothes are discarded and Luhan is hovering over him on the bed, a smile on his face. Jongin reaches up, caressing his cheek softly, before Jongin leans up to kiss him.
“I want you to suck me,” Jongin then whispers on his lips and Luhan is almost startled at how direct it sounds.
But he giggles and gives him kisses, moving from his neck, down to his chest, to his stomach and way down. Luhan sees Jongin’s cock twitch and he looks up, a smirk on his mouth. He puts his hand on the base and gives the tip and experimental lick. Jongin leans his head back and lets out a strangled groan. Smiling, he takes all of him in his mouth and sucks just like how he’s been taught, like how Jongin wants it, and soon Jongin comes into his mouth. He drinks him all in even if it still makes him gag because he wants Jongin to feel satisfied.
Jongin then sits up and pushes Luhan to the bed, kissing him in an agonizingly slow manner, but he circles his arms around his neck to bring him closer. Jongin knows that kisses are what turn Luhan on the most and so he takes his time as his hands wander all over his body. When his hand reaches his cock, Luhan’s hips cant up on their own and he could feel Jongin’s smirk on his lips. He strokes him with a rhythm that has him panting and screaming into Jongin’s mouth. He squeezes his eyes shut and lets out gasp after gasp as the pleasure shoots through him.
And then Jongin’s hand is gone, leaving him aching and so close, so close. He blinks up at him and bites back a groan when Jongin starts prepping him and himself and he writhes around on the bed because he can’t wait any longer.
Jongin’s thrusts are deep and hard, making the eyes in Luhan’s head roll back with pleasure. He grips his arms, his shoulders, his back, scratching his skin because oh god, this feels so good, there, right there. With every thrust, Jongin gives a kiss in any expanse of his skin that is closest. Sometimes he kisses him on the lips, lapping up his moans and groans, licking his tongue, biting on it.
When they come, Jongin collapses on top of him and Luhan wraps his arms tightly because it’s never been this good before, for the both of them and was never like this with anyone else. Luhan curls into Jongin’s arms and his eyes flutter shut because he’s happy and tired and think that this is a beautiful, beautiful thing.
-
Luhan rarely ever goes to church. He goes once in a while, whenever his parents remind him to go or when one of his friends decides he’s having a crisis and needs a friend to hold his hand as he renews his soul or when Kyuhyun, his school senior, fixates his attention on him and tells him that the Lord is calling upon him and his faith. He doesn’t go, not because he doesn’t believe in what the church stands for or not because he doesn’t believe in God, but because he just doesn’t. He believes, but he feels like the act of going to one is too much effort on his part.
But then, one day, when Jongin, the man who’s invaded every part of his life and his dreams, suddenly disappears from his life as if he was never really there, he attends mass of his own free will. It’s not like he can just ask Jongin what was going on because he still isn’t sure if they ever really did have a relationship. They never did have any exchange of feelings or exchange any form of promise to each other. What they had was what they had. There isn’t a name for it, no official tag to their relationship.
He learns then just how it is to pray, really pray, asking for answers and any sort of sign or any clue what was happening. He prays when he wakes up, prays every time he sees something that reminds him of Jongin, which is all the time, and prays before he goes to bed, just before he cries himself to sleep.
But praying doesn’t help him all the time. Most of the time it just makes him burst into tears because he’s reminded so much of how he met Jongin in church.
So he takes up running. Running helps. The sweat on his forehead and neck trickling down, the heat embracing his body, and the loud beating of his heart helps make him forget, even just a little bit, that his heart isn’t quite in the right place. And so he runs and runs and runs. Sometimes he thinks that if he could just run all the time, forever, then maybe the hurting of his heart would go away and then he would forget.
All in all it’s the little things that always get him, and he feels like throwing up whenever he’s reminded of him, and how he feels betrayed because he gave him everything, all of him, and now it feels like nothing’s left for himself. He’s tainted everything in his life, everything in his mind and body.
He bursts into tears and curls up by himself.
“I’m sorry,” Sehun whispers into his ear as he pulls him into his arms and Luhan gives in because he’s tired. “I’m sorry.”
Luhan just cries even more because Sehun’s always told him that things were moving far too fast between him and Jongin and that he should be careful. He wishes that he listened. He wishes that he didn’t give in so easily to such warm and beautiful smiles, light caresses and sweet kisses.
These days he prays that he wishes to go back to his old life, the life before he met Kim Jongin, because he thinks it’s better to feel empty than to feel so hurt, like his heart is being ripped into small, little pieces.
-
It takes a month for Luhan to grieve. He goes on with his life. He goes to school, goes home, meets with his friends and tries to salvage his whole life back. All of a sudden he’s fallen back into the old routine, except this time there’s a hole in his heart that he isn’t quite sure how to fill or fix. His friends try their hardest to cheer him up, to assure him, that maybe something’s just up, that maybe Jongin is just busy with certain things, and Luhan smiles and nods at all of these. But, deep inside, he knows that it’s over.
And it’s this realization that makes him confront Jongin. He wants to know what he already knows. He wants to hear it from Jongin and that hopefully he would be able to go on with his life. He thinks it’s better to already know and get it over with, than go on with life, constantly wondering what had happened.
Jongin stands before him, eyes everywhere but at Luhan’s face. Luhan watches as Jongin puts his hands in the pockets of his jeans, clears his throat and breathes out, puffing his cheeks in obvious discomfort. Jongin shifts in his seat uncomfortably and takes a deep breath before finally opening his mouth and telling Luhan that he was still hung over, still in love, with his ex-boyfriend.
Luhan blinks and he’s reminded of one of their conversations during their first date. Jongin’s just gotten out of a relationship then, but had assured him that they had broken up amicably and that their paths just weren’t intersecting anymore. Luhan remembers nodding his head and believing in him, even though they had only been broken up for a month. The thought that he was a rebound creeps into him so fast that he feels like throwing up.
Jongin continues speaking, telling him that he’s sorry, that he’s never meant to hurt him, that he thinks Luhan is sweet and beautiful and that he knows he will find someone wonderful, someone who will deserve him better than he does and one who doesn’t have any excess baggage. He goes on to say that he will remember what they had, that this summer romance would always be something that he will hold dear to his heart and treasure forever.
Luhan blinks back his tears, gets up without a word and goes to the bathroom. He vomits and vomits and vomits until he’s gasping and his stomach is hurting because there’s nothing left. He’s empty, so empty, that there’s nothing left to give and every bit of his being just hurts.
When he goes back out, Jongin is gone.
-
Luhan continues to search for answers because he still doesn’t understand. He seeks out Kyungsoo, who is Jongin’s best friend, with earnest eyes, trying to find some more clarity that maybe a best friend could give.
“I’m really sorry, Luhan. I’m sorry for what he did to you,” Kyungsoo sighs, looking truly apologetic. “I’ve… I’ve tried talking to him, but he’s not listening to me anymore.” He pauses and shakes his head, breathing deeply. “We’re not even talking right now. He’s… sorting things out by himself.”
And Luhan finds that he’s not satisfied.
-
Luhan walks to the park as he comes out from mass. He takes deep breaths, trying to ease the chest pains he’s been having ever since Jongin left him. Things have been slowly getting better, but it makes him wonder how three short months could have resulted into him being like this. It’s like they were together far longer than three months, like they made promises to each other, like Jongin actually told him he loves him. None of those ever happened, but Luhan’s heart just refused to stop being in pain.
He takes his phone out to call Sehun. He’s about to dial his number before he decides against it. Sehun’s always listening to him whine and cry and he’s probably tired of it. He puts his phone back in his pocket and continues to walk.
“Luhan!”
Luhan turns around and his eyes widen. Junmyeon is jogging up to him, trying to catch up.
“Hi,” Luhan hesitantly greets him. He glances around, like he expects Jongin to pop out any moment. Because Junmyeon is Jongin’s other best friend, one whom he hasn’t official met but has heard about from Jongin.
“I… we haven’t really met,” Junmyeon begins to speak. “I’m Junmyeon.”
“Luhan,” Luhan says in return. “Can I help you with something?”
“I just wanted to talk to you,” Junmyeon admits seeking him out. “About Jongin.” He takes a deep breath. “I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but I wanted to apologize. For what he did to you.”
Luhan blinks, his heart sinking even more. Because two friends apologizing to him for something they didn’t even do is interesting, to say the least. And it is a confirmation that Jongin is really just a jerk, who plays around.
-
Slowly, but surely, Luhan learns to put his life and the pieces of his heart back together. He takes things one day at a time, sometimes just going through the motions. But there are times when he feels a surge of excitement back in his life, when he realizes that there are other things to be happy about, other things to care about, other people to love.
Sehun barely leaves his side, their other friends making sure that he’s always okay. He appreciates the gesture and keeps on telling them that he’s fine and that he’ll be okay. He wants to learn to stand on his own two feet, wants to feel like he can help heal himself on his own. He doesn’t want to be a burden to them and he doesn’t want to keep on leaning on others anymore.
“It’s three months today,” Sehun announces as he flounces into his room.
Sehun’s told him about the three-month rule. It entails that in each broken relationship, there is a period of three months where both parties stay single, whether to heal the brokenness or to stay single out of respect, until they can properly start going out and dating again.
As Sehun claps excitedly for him, Luhan smiles, and for the first time, he feels like his heart is whole again.
-
Jongin barely ever crosses Luhan’s mind anymore. Four months later, as he goes through his schooling, takes care of his family and friends, things have gotten better for him and he is whole again.
Kyuhyun catches up with him and gives him a hug after service. “You look better each day,” he compliments him and Luhan tells Kyuhyun that he’s grateful, somehow, with everything that’s happened, that maybe it’s meant to be like this. “God works in mysterious ways,” Kyuhyun then says, baffling him.
But he shoots Kyuhyun a smile and then makes his way out of the church, through the crowd. He thinks about meeting Sehun and his boyfriend Tao, who was bringing his friend, Kris, later in the day. They plan to meet up for lunch and then maybe catch a movie.
He moves down the steps of the church, looks up and, almost immediately, stops in his tracks.
Jongin is standing there, hands in his pockets, every bit of him uncertain, the complete opposite of how he was when they had first met.
“Hi,” Jongin breathes, eyes flickering everywhere before finally resting on Luhan’s.
If this had been any other time before that day, if he saw Jongin in any other day in the four months prior to this, he knows that his heart would’ve cracked and would’ve ached. But, right now, there isn’t any of that. Surprisingly enough, he’s actually just genuinely happy to see Jongin, to know that he’s well. He takes the couple more steps down and meets Jongin face-to-face.
Then, just like all those months before, he prays, what the hell is this? Why is Jongin here? Then he remembers Kyuhyun’s words just before, God works in mysterious ways.
“Hi,” Luhan greets him back with a laugh, surprising Jongin.
Maybe, just maybe…
Author's Notes:
1. This is very close to my heart. So, it is what it is. :)
2. First LuKai/KaiLu? I hope you don't hate it. I just suddenly started writing it this morning and, surprisingly, it just kind of flowed. This story is pretty much overdue for over 3 months now. I've been trying to write this, but haven't been successful.
3. Comments/questions/suggestions/violent reactions are welcome. :)