[PG-13] never believe, it's not so
Title: never believe, it's not so
Characters: Kyuhyun, Donghae, Zhou Mi, SJ
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, Life, Romance
Summary: AU. Life in the circus. Everything's just for show.
A/N: This is...weird. I don't know how else to put it, but this is a result of all the very real and very moving fics that I've read recently. I don't know if this is any good. I don't even know if this makes sense, but I guess I just have to put it out there and see what you guys think. It very random, cluttered and disconnected. Another new thing for me. Thank you for checking it out, at least? Hehe! /runs away
never believe, it’s not so
Finite Incantatem!
- Harry Potter Series
Kyuhyun supposed he shouldn’t have believed anything that he had read and had heard about the circus. He shouldn’t have believed that it was all glamour, magnificence and enchantment. He shouldn’t have reveled in its seeming perfection. After all, nothing was perfect.
But how could he not? When, in growing up, it was all he could see, smell and touch. He had practically lived in the magic and breathed it.
He should have known that there was more to its beauty and vogue.
Vaguely, he remembers something that his father always told him as he was tucked into bed as a child.
All that is gold does not glitter.
---
A blink was all it took for him to miss it. Another blink and he felt stupid. Rubbing his eyes with the heel of his palm, he frowned as he tried to remember what happened and how that rose could have appeared, replacing the red scarf that was originally in its place.
“Even if you keep your eyes open for the whole act, you’re still going to fail to see it,” the magician’s voice echoed in the empty tent.
Kyuhyun’s eyes shifted downward onto the gravelly ground, uncomfortably shifting into his stance as eyes bore into him.
There was a stifling silence. Kyuhyun didn’t know what to do, didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t sure if he was allowed to, being the newcomer that he was.
“You’re not going to make it in this business if you don’t even have the courage to talk,” he continued to speak as he made the rose disappear and the red scarf reappear. He lifted his pleased eyes to meet Kyuhyun’s, a smirk on his face.
“I didn’t know circuses had magicians,” Kyuhyun finally spoke, rather hoarsely.
“They don’t,” the magician answered abruptly.
Kyuhyun, feeling like he was overstepping his bounds, took a step back and jerked awkwardly as he turned to leave.
The magician tilted his head as if studying him. “Why are you here, Kyuhyun?”
Kyuhyun opened his mouth, then closed it again when nothing came out. Why was he there? He glanced around and tried to look for something that would remind him of what it was that attracted him to the business. But he came up with nothing.
“If you don’t even know why, or worse, if you don’t really want to be, then you shouldn’t be here.” The rose and the red scarf were now both gone, out of sight. He strode towards the tent entrance. Before he walked out, he turned to him, a hard look in his eyes. “The crowd hates fear because they want confidence and perfection. And, in this job, you can’t be perfect if you’re afraid. If they sense your fear, they’ll abhor you and kill you.”
---
“Staring is bad, you know.”
Kyuhyun averted his gaze from where the magician was talking to Heechul, the ringmaster, in time to see the two lion tamers slide down on the empty seats to his right. The taller one sat right beside him, his flaming red hair glinting under the light, while the shorter male, smiling cutely, sat on the farther seat.
“Like I said, staring is bad,” the taller male repeated, raising his eyebrows amusedly as Kyuhyun openly stared at him this time.
“Sorry,” Kyuhyun mumbled, turnings his attention back to the toast on the plate in front of him.
“Kyuhyun, right?” He nodded. “I’m Sungmin,” the shorter male introduced himself. “This is Zhou Mi.”
“So why were you staring at him?” Zhou Mi wanted to know, nodding towards where the magician was talking to the ringmaster.
Kyuhyun looked up. They weren’t there anymore. The space was empty. He shrugged without saying anything. He didn’t think anyone had any business to know why he liked watching the magician, although they could probably see right through him.
“You’ll get better at it soon enough,” Sungmin finally said after exchanging a knowing glance with Zhou Mi.
“Get better at what?” Kyuhyun asked.
“Putting up a mask,” Zhou Mi told him, almost sadly.
---
Make-up smudged, lipstick smeared, he took off the bands on his arms and threw them on the ground. He leaned his back against the wall, banging the back of his head.
The show had just ended in a disaster. He was a catcher in the flying trapeze act and he had failed to be one tremendously. On one of the major jumps, he had failed to catch the flyer, Ryeowook, sending him falling down to the net.
The boos reverberated in the circus tent.
He pushed himself off the wall and ran towards the dressing room. He wiped his make up off his face, bringing along the tears that had fallen on his cheeks. His eyes were empty and looked haunted as he stared at his reflection.
This was what he had been training for for months. This was what he wanted. To be under the bright lights and in the spotlight. How could he fail?
“You want the wrong thing.”
He lifted his head up and turned in his seat, startled.
It was the magician. He walked towards Kyuhyun and handed him the red scarf. “It’s not fame you want.”
Kyuhyun wiped his tears with the scarf and looked up at the magician, his hair glowing like the brightest star in the sky under the dressing room lights. Without a thought, he stood up and pressed his lips against his.
It was sweet. And short. As chance kisses were meant to be.
He gave Kyuhyun an amused smile. “You don’t even know me.”
“I know you,” Kyuhyun croakily corrected. “You’re the magician.”
“You can call me Donghae, too,” he introduced himself in a whisper, capturing the younger man’s lips once again.
---
“That’s how it is in this life, you know.” Ryeowook looked up at him through eyes, thick with dark and smoky make-up. He gave him a smile that bordered on condescending. “Sometimes, we think people will catch us, but they don’t. After a while, you just learn how to fall gracefully.”
“I’m really sorry,” Kyuhyun muttered. “It won’t happen again.”
Ryeowook gave him another smile, this time almost a motherly one. “They’re right about you,” he remarked.
“What do you mean?” Kyuhyun asked confusedly.
“You should be careful, Kyuhyun,” Ryeowook finally said, deciding to ignore his question. He turned his attention back to the make-up scattered on the vanity. “The first fall always hurts the most, as all firsts do.” He smiled at him through the mirror. “I hope you know what you’re doing.”
---
“You know, I wanted to become a movie actor,” Donghae shared randomly as they sat outside the tent, their backs resting on the soft wall, looking up at the stars in the night sky. He closed his eyes and sighed.
“So why didn’t you?” Kyuhyun asked, turning to look at him.
“It was easier to get into the circus,” Donghae responded with a soft sigh. He paused, opened his eyes and looked at him straight in the eye. “You know what I realized after being here some years?”
“What?”
“Being a movie actor and being in the circus is the same thing.” Donghae shifted in his seat and moved closer to Kyuhyun, leaning his head on his shoulder.
“How so?” Kyuhyun pressed, leaning his head on top of his and closing his eyes.
“They’re all about putting on a show. It’s show business,” Donghae elaborated sleepily. Kyuhyun opened his eyes, seemingly startled. “The only difference is it’s more obvious in the circus. But that’s a good thing, isn’t it?”
“Why?” Kyuhyun asked, his voice soft, tainted with disquiet.
“Because, even if we’re putting on a show, we don’t have to pretend,” Donghae continued with a yawn. “Everyone knows what we do is just bullshit, just something to please the crowd, to make them happy. We’re more obvious with the costumes and the heavy make-up. Just because we do it doesn’t mean it’s what we are. We put on masks and fly and test death for them. At the end of the day do they really care? Of course they don’t. They pay us to play parts. So yeah, it’s all bullshit. All smoky mirrors, fake.”
As Donghae’s breathing started to get even, his head heavy on his shoulder, Kyuhyun looked up at the stars.
(“What do you see when you look in the mirror?”
“A tall gangly guy, who’s too bony, and insecure and ignorant.”
Zhou Mi shook his head, slapping Kyuhyun’s arm. “You want to know what I see?”
“I’m sure you’ll tell me anyway,” Kyuhyun commented.
Zhou Mi leaned forward, his arms on Kyuhyun’s shoulders, their faces side by side as they looked at their reflections in the mirror.
“I see beauty, poise and innocence,” Zhou Mi told him, a wistful smile on his face. “What you have, Kyuhyun, no one else around here has. You’re you and you’re beautiful.”)
Kyuhyun sighed, still in disbelief. “You’re right,” he whispered. “It’s all smoky mirrors, all pretend, all fake.”
---
Sometimes he thought that Donghae should have been a movie actor. His beauty was the kind that shouldn’t be kept a secret, the kind that shouldn’t be cooped up to circus audiences only.
When he performed, the crowd ate up every single thing he did. He really knew how to put on a show, how to have the audience crawling at the palm of his hand. He knew the right words, the right expressions and the right smiles.
“Everyone admires him for the same reason that you do,” Zhou Mi commented, coming up behind him. He watched as Donghae performed the corde lisse. “He’s the epitome of perfection.”
“There’s a ‘but’ somewhere, isn’t there?” Kyuhyun pressed, raising his eyebrows at him in expectation.
“Well,” Zhou Mi hesitated, “perfection isn’t always good.”
“Why not?” Kyuhyun wanted to know.
“Because no one’s perfect,” Zhou Mi explained hesitantly. “It isn’t real.”
“That’s the point, isn’t it?” Kyuhyun said, tilting his head as if studying him. “We’re not in this business to be real. We’re here to be perfect because it’s what the people want. No one really cares for who you really are.”
“Not everyone thinks that way,” Zhou Mi earnestly insisted, touching his arm.
“It’s what I see,” Kyuhyun countered with a shrug.
Zhou Mi was quiet for a second. “Your parents wouldn’t have wanted this for you,” he then said.
“What do you know of my parents and what they wanted for me?” Kyuhyun asked, his eyes flashing. He pushed Zhou Mi’s hand off of him. His parents had been circus performers in the past and he knew that people looked up to them. Still, he didn’t think anyone had the right to talk to him about them.
“All that is gold does not glitter.” He met Kyuhyun’s eyes, wide and stunned. “Your father told me the same thing some years ago.”
Kyuhyun pried his eyes away and watched as Donghae took a bow at the audience cheering and screaming his name.
---
Once, in between acts, he found himself in one of the dark corners backstage, pushed against a wall.
Almost blind, he clutched at his waist, as his face was cradled rather roughly, kisses planted on every inch of his face, jaw and neck. He leaned into those kisses and tried to take them for what they were. Stolen and fleeting.
But sometimes Donghae made it hard for him to do so.
As they kissed and fumbled about in the dark, with Donghae moaning his name, it was easy to believe that there was something more to it.
He wished that he wasn’t the only one who felt that way.
---
Rehearsals were always a pain. Every act was done half-heartedly because no one was watching anyway. Heechul was less energetic. Donghae just did half of his part. Zhou Mi and Sungmin didn’t even bring out the lion for theirs.
It was harder to put up a game face when there were no cheers, no applause.
“We all get in this for the same thing,” Sungmin said to him once.
“Fame?” Kyuhyun guessed.
“Why did you join the circus, Kyuhyun?” Sungmin pursed his lips and waited for his answer. “I’m asking for the truth.”
Kyuhyun stared at the empty bleachers. He closed his eyes and imagined the crowd screaming, clapping and yelling for more. He reveled in that. The crowd’s appreciation for what he performed for them, for what he showed effort for, that was what he yearned for. He opened his eyes and looked at Sungmin, realizing something.
“Everyone aches to be loved.” Sungmin smiled, watching as Ryeowook flew through the air, only to be caught by Siwon, one of the other catchers. “We all get disappointed in the end,” he then continued, “Because everything is secondary to that, even fame. But this is the wrong place to look for love. You won’t find it here.”
“What if you’re wrong?” Kyuhyun insisted.
Sungmin gave him a perceptive, but hard look. “I lied. You can find it here. But you’re looking in all the wrong places.”
---
“What are you doing?”
“What does it look like I’m doing, dimwit?”
“Aren’t you with Kyuhyun?”
“Are you being jealous?”
“Just answer the question, Donghae.”
“I’m with no one, Hyukjae. Not even you.”
“That’s good enough for me.”
---
“Do you ever regret this?” he asked, as they got ready for the hard day ahead.
“Do you?” Zhou Mi asked, staring at him.
Kyuhyun shrugged. “I keep thinking that maybe there’s something else out there. Something that’s more real.”
“Nothing stays real,” Zhou Mi remarked dispassionately.
“You’re real,” Kyuhyun said before he could stop himself. “I mean, after all this time you’re-.”
“Save yourself the trouble, Kyuhyun,” Zhou Mi interrupted him as nicely as he could.
Zhou Mi turned to leave, but Kyuhyun pulled him by the collar and kissed him. Zhou Mi pulled away for a second, shock written all over his face. Kyuhyun looked back, want and anticipation written all over his. In a seemingly quick decision, Zhou Mi grabbed his neck and kissed him, this time harder and harsher.
Kyuhyun wrapped his arms around Zhou Mi’s slim waist, pulling him closer, trying to taste and feel all of him. He’d always thought he was beautiful the moment he laid his eyes on him, the red hair, the wide smile, the twinkling eyes. Being able to be with him like this, to get to know him like this, was more than he bargained for.
Suddenly, he was being pushed away. He blinked his eyes open. The first thing he sees is Zhou Mi’s overly red lips and then his glazed eyes.
He smiles lazily, raising a hand to the back of his neck, playing with his hair.
Zhou Mi grabs his hand and returns it to him. “Don’t ever do this again,” he directed softly but sternly. “You’re better than this. And no one deserves this, not me, not even you.”
When Zhou Mi walked away, all Kyuhyun could do was stare after him.
---
“What’s wrong with you?” Donghae asked.
They had been kissing but Kyuhyun kept on getting distracted. His head was filled with reds, wide smiles and bright eyes.
He blinked and looked at Donghae. He was what he wanted. What he’s wanted and what he’s wanted to become. But why did those wishes all seem so phony?
“I don’t think I can do this anymore,” Kyuhyun finally admitted.
“Do what? You don’t think you can do me anymore?” Donghae bit back, his eyes flashing with anger.
“Donghae-.”
“Screw you, Kyuhyun,” Donghae growled. “You think I don’t know what goes on in your head every time we’re together these past few months? You think I don’t know who you’ve been thinking of?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kyuhyun honestly responded, surprised at his outburst.
Donghae stared at him and saw for the first time how innocent, how he still was, after all this time. He smirked. “I feel sorry for you,” he announced.
---
Of course Kyuhyun would never admit to anyone what had happened. He couldn’t and wouldn’t admit, even to himself, that Zhou Mi was right. It shamed him and hurt him that he had hurt Zhou Mi that way, the one person who seemed to still believe, the person who saw him differently than how he saw himself.
He looked up at the sky as a plane passed by.
Zhou Mi had left the circus. No one really knew why. Just, one day, he packed his bags and said he was done. Then he walked away without looking back.
“No one’s brave enough to do what Seasoning did,” Heechul stated, inhaling smoke from the cigarette in his hand. “When you stay in one place long enough, you start to accept things and become resigned. He’s different. He couldn’t and wouldn’t accept things. I always knew he wasn’t going to stay. He dared not believe and dared not to be cooped up in a place where everything is plastic and becomes plastic after time.”
“He doesn’t seem like the type,” Kyuhyun agreed, not knowing what else to say.
“Are you the type?” Heechul questioned straightforwardly.
Kyuhyun shrugged. “Zhou Mi didn’t seem to think so,” he then said after a second.
Heechul gave him a sad smile.
---
“Where do you plan to go?” Sungmin asked, helping him with his bags.
“I don’t know,” Kyuhyun confessed with a shrug. “I think I just need to go out there and find out.”
All his life was confined in the glamour, magnificence and enchantment of circus life. But it wasn’t all of those things. It was harsh, raw, and cold. Maybe in leaving, he could find true beauty.
“You won’t find him,” Sungmin stated flatly.
“I knew you think I wouldn’t,” Kyuhyun replied, smiling a little.
“Well, you won’t,” Sungmin grounded out. “He left because of you.”
---
end.
Characters: Kyuhyun, Donghae, Zhou Mi, SJ
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, Life, Romance
Summary: AU. Life in the circus. Everything's just for show.
A/N: This is...weird. I don't know how else to put it, but this is a result of all the very real and very moving fics that I've read recently. I don't know if this is any good. I don't even know if this makes sense, but I guess I just have to put it out there and see what you guys think. It very random, cluttered and disconnected. Another new thing for me. Thank you for checking it out, at least? Hehe! /runs away
never believe, it’s not so
Finite Incantatem!
- Harry Potter Series
Kyuhyun supposed he shouldn’t have believed anything that he had read and had heard about the circus. He shouldn’t have believed that it was all glamour, magnificence and enchantment. He shouldn’t have reveled in its seeming perfection. After all, nothing was perfect.
But how could he not? When, in growing up, it was all he could see, smell and touch. He had practically lived in the magic and breathed it.
He should have known that there was more to its beauty and vogue.
Vaguely, he remembers something that his father always told him as he was tucked into bed as a child.
All that is gold does not glitter.
---
A blink was all it took for him to miss it. Another blink and he felt stupid. Rubbing his eyes with the heel of his palm, he frowned as he tried to remember what happened and how that rose could have appeared, replacing the red scarf that was originally in its place.
“Even if you keep your eyes open for the whole act, you’re still going to fail to see it,” the magician’s voice echoed in the empty tent.
Kyuhyun’s eyes shifted downward onto the gravelly ground, uncomfortably shifting into his stance as eyes bore into him.
There was a stifling silence. Kyuhyun didn’t know what to do, didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t sure if he was allowed to, being the newcomer that he was.
“You’re not going to make it in this business if you don’t even have the courage to talk,” he continued to speak as he made the rose disappear and the red scarf reappear. He lifted his pleased eyes to meet Kyuhyun’s, a smirk on his face.
“I didn’t know circuses had magicians,” Kyuhyun finally spoke, rather hoarsely.
“They don’t,” the magician answered abruptly.
Kyuhyun, feeling like he was overstepping his bounds, took a step back and jerked awkwardly as he turned to leave.
The magician tilted his head as if studying him. “Why are you here, Kyuhyun?”
Kyuhyun opened his mouth, then closed it again when nothing came out. Why was he there? He glanced around and tried to look for something that would remind him of what it was that attracted him to the business. But he came up with nothing.
“If you don’t even know why, or worse, if you don’t really want to be, then you shouldn’t be here.” The rose and the red scarf were now both gone, out of sight. He strode towards the tent entrance. Before he walked out, he turned to him, a hard look in his eyes. “The crowd hates fear because they want confidence and perfection. And, in this job, you can’t be perfect if you’re afraid. If they sense your fear, they’ll abhor you and kill you.”
---
“Staring is bad, you know.”
Kyuhyun averted his gaze from where the magician was talking to Heechul, the ringmaster, in time to see the two lion tamers slide down on the empty seats to his right. The taller one sat right beside him, his flaming red hair glinting under the light, while the shorter male, smiling cutely, sat on the farther seat.
“Like I said, staring is bad,” the taller male repeated, raising his eyebrows amusedly as Kyuhyun openly stared at him this time.
“Sorry,” Kyuhyun mumbled, turnings his attention back to the toast on the plate in front of him.
“Kyuhyun, right?” He nodded. “I’m Sungmin,” the shorter male introduced himself. “This is Zhou Mi.”
“So why were you staring at him?” Zhou Mi wanted to know, nodding towards where the magician was talking to the ringmaster.
Kyuhyun looked up. They weren’t there anymore. The space was empty. He shrugged without saying anything. He didn’t think anyone had any business to know why he liked watching the magician, although they could probably see right through him.
“You’ll get better at it soon enough,” Sungmin finally said after exchanging a knowing glance with Zhou Mi.
“Get better at what?” Kyuhyun asked.
“Putting up a mask,” Zhou Mi told him, almost sadly.
---
Make-up smudged, lipstick smeared, he took off the bands on his arms and threw them on the ground. He leaned his back against the wall, banging the back of his head.
The show had just ended in a disaster. He was a catcher in the flying trapeze act and he had failed to be one tremendously. On one of the major jumps, he had failed to catch the flyer, Ryeowook, sending him falling down to the net.
The boos reverberated in the circus tent.
He pushed himself off the wall and ran towards the dressing room. He wiped his make up off his face, bringing along the tears that had fallen on his cheeks. His eyes were empty and looked haunted as he stared at his reflection.
This was what he had been training for for months. This was what he wanted. To be under the bright lights and in the spotlight. How could he fail?
“You want the wrong thing.”
He lifted his head up and turned in his seat, startled.
It was the magician. He walked towards Kyuhyun and handed him the red scarf. “It’s not fame you want.”
Kyuhyun wiped his tears with the scarf and looked up at the magician, his hair glowing like the brightest star in the sky under the dressing room lights. Without a thought, he stood up and pressed his lips against his.
It was sweet. And short. As chance kisses were meant to be.
He gave Kyuhyun an amused smile. “You don’t even know me.”
“I know you,” Kyuhyun croakily corrected. “You’re the magician.”
“You can call me Donghae, too,” he introduced himself in a whisper, capturing the younger man’s lips once again.
---
“That’s how it is in this life, you know.” Ryeowook looked up at him through eyes, thick with dark and smoky make-up. He gave him a smile that bordered on condescending. “Sometimes, we think people will catch us, but they don’t. After a while, you just learn how to fall gracefully.”
“I’m really sorry,” Kyuhyun muttered. “It won’t happen again.”
Ryeowook gave him another smile, this time almost a motherly one. “They’re right about you,” he remarked.
“What do you mean?” Kyuhyun asked confusedly.
“You should be careful, Kyuhyun,” Ryeowook finally said, deciding to ignore his question. He turned his attention back to the make-up scattered on the vanity. “The first fall always hurts the most, as all firsts do.” He smiled at him through the mirror. “I hope you know what you’re doing.”
---
“You know, I wanted to become a movie actor,” Donghae shared randomly as they sat outside the tent, their backs resting on the soft wall, looking up at the stars in the night sky. He closed his eyes and sighed.
“So why didn’t you?” Kyuhyun asked, turning to look at him.
“It was easier to get into the circus,” Donghae responded with a soft sigh. He paused, opened his eyes and looked at him straight in the eye. “You know what I realized after being here some years?”
“What?”
“Being a movie actor and being in the circus is the same thing.” Donghae shifted in his seat and moved closer to Kyuhyun, leaning his head on his shoulder.
“How so?” Kyuhyun pressed, leaning his head on top of his and closing his eyes.
“They’re all about putting on a show. It’s show business,” Donghae elaborated sleepily. Kyuhyun opened his eyes, seemingly startled. “The only difference is it’s more obvious in the circus. But that’s a good thing, isn’t it?”
“Why?” Kyuhyun asked, his voice soft, tainted with disquiet.
“Because, even if we’re putting on a show, we don’t have to pretend,” Donghae continued with a yawn. “Everyone knows what we do is just bullshit, just something to please the crowd, to make them happy. We’re more obvious with the costumes and the heavy make-up. Just because we do it doesn’t mean it’s what we are. We put on masks and fly and test death for them. At the end of the day do they really care? Of course they don’t. They pay us to play parts. So yeah, it’s all bullshit. All smoky mirrors, fake.”
As Donghae’s breathing started to get even, his head heavy on his shoulder, Kyuhyun looked up at the stars.
(“What do you see when you look in the mirror?”
“A tall gangly guy, who’s too bony, and insecure and ignorant.”
Zhou Mi shook his head, slapping Kyuhyun’s arm. “You want to know what I see?”
“I’m sure you’ll tell me anyway,” Kyuhyun commented.
Zhou Mi leaned forward, his arms on Kyuhyun’s shoulders, their faces side by side as they looked at their reflections in the mirror.
“I see beauty, poise and innocence,” Zhou Mi told him, a wistful smile on his face. “What you have, Kyuhyun, no one else around here has. You’re you and you’re beautiful.”)
Kyuhyun sighed, still in disbelief. “You’re right,” he whispered. “It’s all smoky mirrors, all pretend, all fake.”
---
Sometimes he thought that Donghae should have been a movie actor. His beauty was the kind that shouldn’t be kept a secret, the kind that shouldn’t be cooped up to circus audiences only.
When he performed, the crowd ate up every single thing he did. He really knew how to put on a show, how to have the audience crawling at the palm of his hand. He knew the right words, the right expressions and the right smiles.
“Everyone admires him for the same reason that you do,” Zhou Mi commented, coming up behind him. He watched as Donghae performed the corde lisse. “He’s the epitome of perfection.”
“There’s a ‘but’ somewhere, isn’t there?” Kyuhyun pressed, raising his eyebrows at him in expectation.
“Well,” Zhou Mi hesitated, “perfection isn’t always good.”
“Why not?” Kyuhyun wanted to know.
“Because no one’s perfect,” Zhou Mi explained hesitantly. “It isn’t real.”
“That’s the point, isn’t it?” Kyuhyun said, tilting his head as if studying him. “We’re not in this business to be real. We’re here to be perfect because it’s what the people want. No one really cares for who you really are.”
“Not everyone thinks that way,” Zhou Mi earnestly insisted, touching his arm.
“It’s what I see,” Kyuhyun countered with a shrug.
Zhou Mi was quiet for a second. “Your parents wouldn’t have wanted this for you,” he then said.
“What do you know of my parents and what they wanted for me?” Kyuhyun asked, his eyes flashing. He pushed Zhou Mi’s hand off of him. His parents had been circus performers in the past and he knew that people looked up to them. Still, he didn’t think anyone had the right to talk to him about them.
“All that is gold does not glitter.” He met Kyuhyun’s eyes, wide and stunned. “Your father told me the same thing some years ago.”
Kyuhyun pried his eyes away and watched as Donghae took a bow at the audience cheering and screaming his name.
---
Once, in between acts, he found himself in one of the dark corners backstage, pushed against a wall.
Almost blind, he clutched at his waist, as his face was cradled rather roughly, kisses planted on every inch of his face, jaw and neck. He leaned into those kisses and tried to take them for what they were. Stolen and fleeting.
But sometimes Donghae made it hard for him to do so.
As they kissed and fumbled about in the dark, with Donghae moaning his name, it was easy to believe that there was something more to it.
He wished that he wasn’t the only one who felt that way.
---
Rehearsals were always a pain. Every act was done half-heartedly because no one was watching anyway. Heechul was less energetic. Donghae just did half of his part. Zhou Mi and Sungmin didn’t even bring out the lion for theirs.
It was harder to put up a game face when there were no cheers, no applause.
“We all get in this for the same thing,” Sungmin said to him once.
“Fame?” Kyuhyun guessed.
“Why did you join the circus, Kyuhyun?” Sungmin pursed his lips and waited for his answer. “I’m asking for the truth.”
Kyuhyun stared at the empty bleachers. He closed his eyes and imagined the crowd screaming, clapping and yelling for more. He reveled in that. The crowd’s appreciation for what he performed for them, for what he showed effort for, that was what he yearned for. He opened his eyes and looked at Sungmin, realizing something.
“Everyone aches to be loved.” Sungmin smiled, watching as Ryeowook flew through the air, only to be caught by Siwon, one of the other catchers. “We all get disappointed in the end,” he then continued, “Because everything is secondary to that, even fame. But this is the wrong place to look for love. You won’t find it here.”
“What if you’re wrong?” Kyuhyun insisted.
Sungmin gave him a perceptive, but hard look. “I lied. You can find it here. But you’re looking in all the wrong places.”
---
“What are you doing?”
“What does it look like I’m doing, dimwit?”
“Aren’t you with Kyuhyun?”
“Are you being jealous?”
“Just answer the question, Donghae.”
“I’m with no one, Hyukjae. Not even you.”
“That’s good enough for me.”
---
“Do you ever regret this?” he asked, as they got ready for the hard day ahead.
“Do you?” Zhou Mi asked, staring at him.
Kyuhyun shrugged. “I keep thinking that maybe there’s something else out there. Something that’s more real.”
“Nothing stays real,” Zhou Mi remarked dispassionately.
“You’re real,” Kyuhyun said before he could stop himself. “I mean, after all this time you’re-.”
“Save yourself the trouble, Kyuhyun,” Zhou Mi interrupted him as nicely as he could.
Zhou Mi turned to leave, but Kyuhyun pulled him by the collar and kissed him. Zhou Mi pulled away for a second, shock written all over his face. Kyuhyun looked back, want and anticipation written all over his. In a seemingly quick decision, Zhou Mi grabbed his neck and kissed him, this time harder and harsher.
Kyuhyun wrapped his arms around Zhou Mi’s slim waist, pulling him closer, trying to taste and feel all of him. He’d always thought he was beautiful the moment he laid his eyes on him, the red hair, the wide smile, the twinkling eyes. Being able to be with him like this, to get to know him like this, was more than he bargained for.
Suddenly, he was being pushed away. He blinked his eyes open. The first thing he sees is Zhou Mi’s overly red lips and then his glazed eyes.
He smiles lazily, raising a hand to the back of his neck, playing with his hair.
Zhou Mi grabs his hand and returns it to him. “Don’t ever do this again,” he directed softly but sternly. “You’re better than this. And no one deserves this, not me, not even you.”
When Zhou Mi walked away, all Kyuhyun could do was stare after him.
---
“What’s wrong with you?” Donghae asked.
They had been kissing but Kyuhyun kept on getting distracted. His head was filled with reds, wide smiles and bright eyes.
He blinked and looked at Donghae. He was what he wanted. What he’s wanted and what he’s wanted to become. But why did those wishes all seem so phony?
“I don’t think I can do this anymore,” Kyuhyun finally admitted.
“Do what? You don’t think you can do me anymore?” Donghae bit back, his eyes flashing with anger.
“Donghae-.”
“Screw you, Kyuhyun,” Donghae growled. “You think I don’t know what goes on in your head every time we’re together these past few months? You think I don’t know who you’ve been thinking of?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kyuhyun honestly responded, surprised at his outburst.
Donghae stared at him and saw for the first time how innocent, how he still was, after all this time. He smirked. “I feel sorry for you,” he announced.
---
Of course Kyuhyun would never admit to anyone what had happened. He couldn’t and wouldn’t admit, even to himself, that Zhou Mi was right. It shamed him and hurt him that he had hurt Zhou Mi that way, the one person who seemed to still believe, the person who saw him differently than how he saw himself.
He looked up at the sky as a plane passed by.
Zhou Mi had left the circus. No one really knew why. Just, one day, he packed his bags and said he was done. Then he walked away without looking back.
“No one’s brave enough to do what Seasoning did,” Heechul stated, inhaling smoke from the cigarette in his hand. “When you stay in one place long enough, you start to accept things and become resigned. He’s different. He couldn’t and wouldn’t accept things. I always knew he wasn’t going to stay. He dared not believe and dared not to be cooped up in a place where everything is plastic and becomes plastic after time.”
“He doesn’t seem like the type,” Kyuhyun agreed, not knowing what else to say.
“Are you the type?” Heechul questioned straightforwardly.
Kyuhyun shrugged. “Zhou Mi didn’t seem to think so,” he then said after a second.
Heechul gave him a sad smile.
---
“Where do you plan to go?” Sungmin asked, helping him with his bags.
“I don’t know,” Kyuhyun confessed with a shrug. “I think I just need to go out there and find out.”
All his life was confined in the glamour, magnificence and enchantment of circus life. But it wasn’t all of those things. It was harsh, raw, and cold. Maybe in leaving, he could find true beauty.
“You won’t find him,” Sungmin stated flatly.
“I knew you think I wouldn’t,” Kyuhyun replied, smiling a little.
“Well, you won’t,” Sungmin grounded out. “He left because of you.”
---
end.