quarter life crisis
is there really such a thing as a quarter life crisis? or better yet, i should ask, what do you call when a 21-year old girl person experiences weird uncertain random confusion unknown shit in life? ... enough of that... it's summer. i'm a fresh graduate. i'm supposed to be enjoying this 'chapter' of my life considering that it could be one of my last summers after another couple of years. ideally, i should be on some roadtrip traveling to who-knows-where and sleeping in who-knows-what eating whatever-comes-my-way. no not really. haha. but yeah, my ideal vacation or getaway this summer would be traveling anywhere and everywhere. my batchmates have already gone to bora and although i envy everyone (facebook just won't stop updating me with bora pics!) who went, i actually don't mind and i'm still content with my decision not to go. i mean seriously. i'd like to go if i were with my really close friends or friends who really matter to me and seriously, it doesn't have to be bora. heck, i'm not really even up for bora. i'd rather palawan or hmm.. i'd even settle for batangas. why, batangas is great! it's not settling, it's just me picking batangas over bora. hmm. i guess i do have a boring life- i'm not one who can party and drink all night till the wee hours of the morning. i'm really just the chill kinda-girl who can have drinks while sitting on those beach chairs or whatever you call them, by the beach, while enjoying the night sky and the cool breeze. then maybe even just camp out or fall asleep under the stars. mmm... but then again partying all night with my friends would be just as great. i guess it's really just the timing but lately, i've just been out of it. my dear college friends are planning a trip to sagada- and honestly, that i would enjoy. or at least i'm really really up for that. i hope it pushes through. and when it does push through, i hope that i get to go. i'm sure asking for permission isn't a problem- i'd be allowed. i'm actually surprised i've been allowed to all these gimmicks and take the car halfway and park it so i can go home on my own without 1. having to commute or 2. having to get picked up. but the funny sad weird thing is mom's asking me to contribute to gas. WAHAH. seriously. i mean okay i understand i take the car to all these places and yeah right now i do have money but then it's going to run out. soon. hahaha and then what. i guess what i'm trying to say is that somehow, just a tiny wee bit of pressure coming from mi mudra to get a job. hmm. maybe not a tiny wee bit. but there's just this pressure. be it big or small, there just is. well okay it's not big and not small either. it's simply just pressure. pressure to get a job. i guess i understand i mean mom isn't working after all and right now i'm really just a hmm.. an additional expense? i mean i'm not really contributing anything and yet i'm up all night using the computer, eating food, driving here and there. hahaha. okay it sounds like i'm an unwanted daughter. maybe. ahaha i'm kidding. no it's just that i have this sense of urgency inside me of wanting to be able to contribute. i promised that to dad before that they could stop working already and do all these stuff because i'll be able to give it to them. i guess this is coming from the fact that my 2 siblings are 15/16 years older than me. my parents responsibilities to their children would have ended 16 years ago and by now they (or at least mom) could be living the life somewhere in... iunno. malibu or stockton (mom said that's where people like to retire) or fine maybe even just the province in pangasinan or anywhere really. or maybe still living here in our humble abode but practically out all the time travelling till there's no more room for more pasalubong. i want to give them (her) that. i do, i really do. and with brother, he's helped me and given me so much already i want to give him that freedom to use his extra cash on iunno camera gadgets or whatnot. but then again i just can't help but think that this IS my last summer. at least before i get a job. this is the summer where i don't have to ask for a month leave from my boss so that i can just figure out my shit and then do my shit. i seriously truly really super want to go to the states this may. and i can. my visa expires feb of next year and my passport the year after next. kuya has enough miles to get me to the states and back home. and he told me he'd finance my trip. and i soooo want that. i mean i just want to be able to go to the states- have a little fun, shop here there and travel. it's really funny how i've made all these plans of visiting den in LA and then meeting up with pat in SF. plans to the point that i'll be living with them for like a couple of days maybe 2 days max, kakahiya din kasi eh. and then maybe when i get to talk to her, meet up with sandy- find out where she will be. and i feel that i deserve it. everyone thinks so too. it's really just my mom who doesn't share the same sentiment. or at least enthusiasm as the other people who showed their support for me traveling to the US. can i enumerate? tita mia, tito junior, nanay (a bit), tita josie, ate, kuya, friends- they all think sayang yung opportunity. i guess i'm in no position to say that mom doesn't support me after all i haven't talked to her about it. properly. it's all parinig. i know it's not that she won't allow me because she will. i just really don't want her to feel bad like i'm leaving her and being like my siblings. just thinking about myself. maybe i am but isn't it justifiable? i know she needs this break too and she's really just been tied down because of me in college and a condo and all that but if she really wanted to she really could leave also. my family's a mess. :( and i'm also just scared to leave her here alone. before it was fine since she was with dad. but now, who'll she be with? people think it's fine because she's used to me not being around and i'm sure right now she's dying to get rid of me na rin since i've been home for like almost a month or 2 weeks as in officially just at home popping out of nowhere and disturbing her. but really i'm really truly seriously just concerned with her wellbeing? and i just want her to sincerely feel fine about me leaving. which i know is somewhat impossible. but i just really hope she won't think of me as being like my two other siblings. i know what she thinks of them and though it's not all true, i can't really change what she thinks. she's stubborn that way. but if i do leave, i've made plans already- i told tita mia to stay with her i told ate to have lance stay with her and she can stay with nanay and she's also leaving for camiguin for a week. so put that all together, that's one month of her with people and me in the states. and trust me, i know now what to get her for pasalubong. haha. but then again the job thing still comes up. i've decided that i'll give out my applications little by little or really just look for jobs which i think i'd really like. if i get an offer anytime before the day i'm supposed to leave, and if that offer can't be postponed till june, i'd probably take it. (oh and if pay is good). a really good job would be the only thing that would stop me from having a summer. but iunno. what do you think/ dad? i want this badly. a summer abroad at least. i really really want it. i've missed my chance to go with muy. but i'm hoping this will push through. really. i need a sign? and then maybe, just maybe this quarter life crisis or whatever you call this, will just disappear and it would be as though i'm having the perfect summer break a fresh grad should be experiencing. ( i do feel i really deserve it- i do. i swear i do. grad (except when i was in school for practice and actual grad) sucked big time. and.. well. yeah.